Ours is more …

… of a platonic love

Or is it not just platonic?

I think, it is so much more!

It feels not only like a friendship.

It feels as if I have found family.

Family, only to leave it alone…

Family, only to break it apart again…

After all we have been through.

Maybe it is inevitable.

But I give it a chance.

It is the only thing I can hope for.

That there is a chance for us to be.

To be a family, friends.

Just us, just free.

But we had so many role models to follow after and when we realized it was all just models, just show, just meant to be followed, we lost it.

And I just feel that it really might be too late for me, I just always see what should be, what could be and what we have now…

And it literally kills me, not only inside.

After so many years of hoping, of fighting to survive and trying this and that, I just went against myself for too long because when I didn’t everyone else did. Or at least most people and the others couldn’t help either.

Man, I just want to be with the people again, who just made my day brighter. So many people from school time, just seeing them. Or people I met online, just listening to their voice. But I couldn’t really be myself.

And now it probably is too late after all.

Given by my own believes this is of course not true, but given by my experience and what people around me make me believe, I am almost convinced that there is no way for me to survive the next year. Maybe not even until then. A few months might seem a lot for some, but for me they are actually just like a few days sometimes. One day I was in school, hoping that I wouldn’t have so much pressure, an in the next one, I am at work, hoping for the pressure to either stop or kill me. And then I am running through a forest, hoping to freeze in the winter cold. Only to lie down in my bed and never wake up.

And I just can’t stand it anymore, when people who have no idea, say that video games are not good for children…

This bullshit life is not good for children and many games try to at least give a space to be, give hope, try to fix this life and want to help. They try to show what is possible, give you hope, when there is none and show what some people go or went through. And also what happens everyday and what is wrong in general.

People who say video games teach people wrong things or cause violence, are the real problems. Or they simply have no idea what they are talking about. Without video games I wouldn’t be alive anymore and also would feel way, way, way more alone than I still feel. Not completely alone, because of some of you out there and a few people I met here and there and some old friends and that.. but in general there is this deep hopeless void.

And everyone tries to fill it, while I saw the potential in it, had no problem to work my way out of it or find great things within it. It just usually seemed unwanted, ignored or even hated by others. And I can’t live from that. Because I sadly can’t do everything on my own, although I often had to for the most part. And I sadly can’t make things I would want to do because there always is a barrier, a problem, just for me. While people around me somehow don’t get these or don’t even think they are there.

I am just exhausted and can’t do that.

It seems pointless to do things. I know I am repeating myself a lot, but this is what in general happens. Everything is repeating itself in a way. Only in a weirder way.

Inner, neverending scream…

And then we escape into our fairy tales again:

By the way, I think the pyro is female. But you never know.

At least it was a rumor. But I mean, I can relate to it as well.

I just wish that things would be different. Neither the burning part nor the insane magical part. It is both just weird and I would wish things to also not be “normal”. What do I want? Well… freeeeeeeeedoooooom.

Or in russian: свободный-дом.

But then you talk to other people about it and you get:

And then it is just all …

again and again and again…

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