Verônica, Verônica …


Tonight I was out for a walk again. My feet got warm during the walk and my whole body, except for the thumbs and finger tails felt very warm.

I think that it usually just should have this temperature, since it felt very good and I remember it being this way, even without the cold fingers.

I started to watch “Good Morning, Verônica” this week. Just another series which shows the reality everyone tries to forget or hide or ignore.

While this story plays in Brasil and except for an aunt who lives there, I don’t really know anyone there. At least not personally. It still is a story which has to be taken serious.

Because I remember a story similar to this one, but in my own country, Germany. It probably was a little different and I don’t have enough details, but the dots are connecting again, since this series reminded me of it.

Do you remember that I wrote, that at some point around 10 years ago or something, the police here (for the most part) changed from green to blue? And that I said, that blue is said to be calming, while I personally think it is cold, at least the blue they use? And that green is actually representing hope, nature and in my eyes was more calming?

Well, there were some things which happened, besides cases which probably didn’t reach the media or anyone at all. There once was a case in which a young female police officer got killed and I think her collegue as well. They said, that they found DNA related to the case, but later it was said to be DNA of a worker of a company for cotton sticks they used or whatever.

But there was also something about an uncle who also worked for the police. And it was said, that he warned her, but that she didn’t listen.

And a while a few years, maybe, there was an accident in which a high ranking police officer (captain or something higher) got killed. As far as I know. In my reality these things are no coincidence. The accident of course could have been one, but the other stuff wasn’t.

And there were rumours and some investigations about some kind of police related group which was doing things on their own, basically using their police job to cover things up. Maybe even kill people and such things. A big organisation or group, not just a few people.

I also remember, that maybe around the same time or a little before, some people were complaining that the police was getting not enough money. That some police officers even had to get a second job, depending on the area they were living in. Some cities have very high prices and I am not sure whether back then the payments for police officers were equal in all states (Bundesländer). I also don’t remember in which one the female officer got killed, but the high ranking one died in mine, as far as I know.

And we are talking about Germany here, probably 8-12 years ago.

As far as I know, they didn’t get anyone for the killed female officers. I mean obviously, when she was investigating police itself or basically authority.

I mean, I personally only trusted my local police officers, the handful of them. But as I said before, they are not really allowed to do much anymore, even in their own town. And I think some of them maybe retired, changed location or stopped because of health reasons. I just know for sure that there are at least still two working there which already have been there since my childhood. Maybe another one. But I only trust this one guy.

And again, we are talking about Germany here, not Columbia, not Africa, not China or the U.S. or whatever (and don’t start with Russia). Germany…

And no, I am not proud of my country, but I actually hoped, that there would be more people here fighting for justice, after all what happened. Instead my country only plays a major role from the outside, while inside it probably already is way more corrupt, infiltrated and insane, than most people living here or also elsewhere realize.

I remember, that people from the U.S. once took Germany as an example because of the few bullets which were fired here and the lower crime rate. Well, it might be still true depending from the perspective, but only because the real criminals are already running the show.

It is usually like this: The easy cases get caught, the hard cases get cold and the important cases get archived.

I mean, again, this is Germany we are talking about. For many it was a symbol of progress, peace and justice, at least after the reunion and all the changes. At least from what I have heard. It was believed to go upwards now, although actually soon after the wall had fallen, the real shit started.

The Deutsche Post (german post organisation), which was a state institution before, got private and the workers had to either sell or simply leave their high salery and civil servant status behind. The same was for the garbage collectors and probably some other similar jobs. They all got private. The DB (Deutsche Bahn) major german train organisation also got private and even an AG (Aktiengesellschaft) and therefor went on the stock market.

Even the Autobahn (german highway) was said to be privatized and probably already is? I don’t know, haven’t checked it since, but I wouldn’t wonder. So basically almost every major and important insitution, service and property of Germany is not in the hands of the people anymore. And also the people working there get less money, at least when you take inflation, pressure and other things into account. And since they have no civil servant status anymore, they can pay these people what they want. Of course there are other organisations which should secure fair payments, but I mean, in the end they all work together anyway. Even if not, it still is all bullshit because it wasn’t necessary in the first place.

If they would have wanted to make Germany a future oriented, smart, growing and stable country, they should have done the opposite. Since having a civil servant status was a good thing back then. You had secured income, usually got more and also were important or at least it felt important. I mean, of course not everything was perfect, but at least there was some kind of security. Now it is actually far from that, since these things are all in private hands. And the rest might taken as well or controlled through other things, like black-mailing, corruption, basic fear and pressure and by manipulation the masses into believing certain stories. Because today it is easy to manipulate people, you can fake phone calls, video conferences, let cars drive on their own, such things are just a thing. And probably even look into your bed room via satillite. I mean, why not? Right?

I mean if they can see galaxies far away, why shouldn’t it be possible to look into the other direction, like you, walking to the supermarket?

When it goes for my grandfather, then this is old, decades old stuff and even movies when I was little already showed such things. Of course a little fake and with action and all, but it doesn’t mean, that it isn’t real. But yeah… people want to believe whatever they want.

You know, me and my mother sometimes were sometimes joking (not because it was funny) that my father might be a secret agent. Because he can make you say things, if you have no strong will. He can keep quiet about what he does, people he knows and such things. Always finds ways to hide or change subjects. I mean, I still don’t want to believe that he is actually working for someone. But you never know. I mean this guy doesn’t work for 20 years, but somehow lives a life, still is able to pay things, often drives around with his car, pays for repairments and unnecessary checkups for vacuum cleaners, heatings and all that. While he doesn’t work. But my mother works the whole time and has just enough for us to eat and meet the basic payments, garbage, water, oil, power, food, ensurance (and such things).

I mean, it is enough that he is some kind of sociopathic monster asshole, ruined my mothers life and broke me as well. At least partially, although in the end it was everything together. I survived his torture, but yea… when it comes from all sides it is just too much at some point.

Again, I don’t know why I am still alive for so many reasons. I just bet, it is because I am still useful for some people. And again, I am not alive because I want to be alive, I am still alive because I know what could happen to me. So I do things because I know that. Especially because I know that. It is almost as if I am asking for it, because I am sick of knowing and not really being able to change a thing. That these bastards just continue like that and people let it happen. Since, the democracy is just making a cross. As if that is all a human being is capable of. And then the rest is done by people who claim to be our representatives. Well, I never knew, that adults need such things, but hey… I am just thinking out LOUD!

And yes, I am dead since last December.

You know, when I have seen Verônica, I just thought, man this woman is tough. And then I have seen what she went through and thought. Yep, I can feel that. Because I literally felt my vains on the arm, as if it happened to me. Because in a way it did, although not like this.

There also was another series, called “Paranoid” which also had a similar scenario. And if you search, you will find more and more.

But usually people call it a day and say: “Well, luckily this is just a TV or Netflix show. In real life things are a lot better.”

But I know and also my uncle said: “In reality it is much worse.”

And maybe this box you see on the thumbnail, is actually symbolic for the average viewer, not only the victim. Because most people put these boxes around them or get them to “wear” them. But they actually could take them off at any moment, they are just to scared, too afraid (or naive?).

And people usually are like: “And what about your life? What about yourself? Take care of yourself, don’t risk your life for that.”

And I am like: “What life? What risk? Man, I died when I was a kid… don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.”



And hey, when my father makes a million things wrong, hurts me psychologically, or back in the days physically as well as my mother. When he threatens us, tells us we are scum or whatever and he could have better. Then it is all “forgiven” because he apologized for it. But when I or my mother do a single small thing wrong, then we are the evil ones, because we didn’t apologize for it. As if I should apologize for telling the truth………

Oh sorry that I called you an asshole, insane and the devil…….

But hey, for me the nightmare will never end, I guess. I can just try to make something for others. So they maybe have a better chance than me?

And you probably know what I said about these police vans dragging away refugees who are on some lists and stayed too long or are unwanted. Given my beard, maybe I could also be on such a list soon and people would believe I am a terrorist or Afghan refugee who should go home… you never know these days. I mean people can just hack and manipulate some data, write a great and believable criminal report or psychological profile (which wouldn’t be necessary in my case, since I gave them everything first hand) and then hand it to some police officers and boooom. Then even you could be a well-known most wanted drug baron, serial killer, child abuser or maybe even a jew… wait wrong century…. eh yea….

People say, 1933-45 won’t happen again.

I say, of course not, it will get worse because it already is.

And what better way to get rid of people than in a world wide pandemic, heh? I mean, you can basically just kill people, say they died of COVID-19 or maybe even give it to them in advance, since they know who could die from it easily. And I mean really, who would later check whether someone actually died from the virus, by an heartattack or something completely different.

I mean, are you a scientist, are you a doctor, are you a police officer or working for some secret agency, the military?

Probably not because these people know, that they shouldn’t do what I am doing. And some of them are involved in all this mess. Obviously, because it is just enough to keep quiet. Like in old times, like always. And some want to speak, but others try to silence them. As always…



And obviously I can tell a lot when the day is long.

But I am just telling what I know, what I would have done and what is possible. It is up to you to make your own research and basically either ignore this or investigate on your own. Probably you shouldn’t because usually the people here are not out for a suicide mission, like I myself for most of my life.

I mean I basically was born for this, but then on the other hand I also don’t know whether I will actually do it. But hey, maybe I actually can do what I think I can do. But really, protect yourself, be careful and don’t take this on the easy shoulder (take this serious). It is a warning. And I didn’t really have another way than telling it here. I mean it is a global topic, it is an important topic and no one really talks about it. Because people never really talk about these things. They either don’t believe they exist, are scared or simply don’t want to get involved in it. But then again, what are you living for? A life in a box, in a prison cell?

I sure lived there mentally most of my life, I don’t have to wait until I get into one for real or end up dead in a back yard. Will probably happen soon enough, but I have nothing to lose. There is just nothing because everything is already gone for me. If I don’t say something, then who would? Would you?

It is a shame that we need books, tv shows and satire or even comedy and child tv shows to bring up solid, serious topics. Because to speak open about them is like holding or having a gun on your head.

Free speech my ass… I mean basically it exists, but most people don’t even know what to speak about, since they never really looked behind the curtains or were afraid of what they might find. And some people simply were scared and anxious or resignated like me. I mean come on, this is no freedom, this is advanced slavery and people often don’t even get it. Because they get taught from a young age that these things are either normal or just happen and that they can’t do something about it.

Like telling a cow or pig in a farm, that they can live for a while, but there is no chance or point in trying to run away. You wouldn’t get far anyway, would die anyway, so why not have a little chit-chat with your cow or pig friends, while wasting away until the slaughter guy comes or it is time for milking or whatever….

Arrrhhgghhgg…. what am I doing here… its pointless, am I right?



But fear is what you can’t give them because this is what they need in order to work, control and win. Without fear, there is a chance.

I want to wake up from this dream, but it won’t happen because this sadly is a nightmare, but not a dream. At least not in a way in which dreams work.

In case things happen the way I expect them to happen, next year will already be a new era. But not ours, but theirs. And I won’t be here anymore. At least this is how it usually was in my dreams and predictions.

Maybe by doing this here I did the change, I didn’t think about back then?

But probably I just wasted time and basically gave away our last chance for final victory. I don’t know for sure. I mean I gave up as a little child and thought it was pointless because people just won’t get it. A perfect illusion…

I still hope I am wrong and that there are more like me. Don’t have to know as much as me and I also don’t know enough. But enough to know enough and understand how things work. And no, I don’t always know what is best, I mean you are talking to an optimist who thought the best way would be to die fast. What kind of optimism is that?

Well, obviously optimism of a resignated, depressed, hopeless and intelligent child. But I can’t let this happen, as long as there is a small chance. I just don’t know exactly what to do. I am not in any position of importance. I can’t really do much because I didn’t learn all the cool things because I was too scared. Otherwise I would now be able to simply hack my way into important services. But well… then they probably already would have caught me and jailed me away forever. Wouldn’t be the first time that happened. There are or were many people in the past going to jail just for hacking. Not even destroying things or something, just because they got their hands on classified data or used things for the advantage of the people.



But as long as we breath, as long as our hearts are beating, we can win this fight. Even if we might not survive the war. I am sure I won’t survive. But there is always a little hope. 🙂

And like Bukowski, I also wouldn’t want you to weep at my grave, in case I really should die and never wake up. Instead I would wish the war to be over and people laugh when they see my grave or think about me. Since they made it and I was part of it. Or maybe I would have a tree with fruits on my grave, like one guy in a poem I had to learn in school. A poem about a guy from the Havelland.

But I don’t need any attention, any respect, honor or alike and I would also feel bad and weird about it. All I want is, that this madness of a world stops to exist and people are finally free, actually free and actually care for each other. Defend each other and themselves, help each other with things and simply let people be, just be. Not make them do things or force them to learn bullshit and do bullshit. Children usually know what is best for them, if the environment would be healthy and give them the possibilities. Sadly in most cases it is not healthy and not much possible. Because some people of course want everything for themselves and control everything. Probably even want to know when or whether you take a shit.

And people really wonder about people back then in the 20s, 30s and 40s?

Or like the 50s and 60s when presidents got shot and no one did something about it? People and their naive thinking or ignorance…


And we don’t like such empires, do we? I don’t.

What am I doing here… basically telling a bunch of people things they shouldn’t know… I really must be insane and egoistic.

Maybe would have been better without me, at least then they wouldn’t know what is going on or going to happen soon….

But no, I just can’t keep my mouth shut… I just can’t because I always had to… It is enough……………

EEEENNNOOOUUUUUGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! 😦

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