Inwards the inner wards








A heart never learns to stop learning.

It only dies or continues to beat.

A brain usually learns to stop learning.

But then it also learns to think it still learns.

A repeated sound can alter the brain into shutting down.

A repeating beat of the heart keeps one living.

Several times hearing the same words makes you either rage or give up about them. And then you either believe and accept them or feel hurt.

Hearing some birds sing, makes you feel better.

Watching the water on she shore, while listening to the repeated sound of the waves hitting the land, eases the mind and heart beat.

Electronical devices, sounds, colors and products give a cold, unease feeling. Natural devices like gloves of wool, a wooden guitar, a wooden bow, they give a feeling of freedom. Almost as if you were directly in touch with nature.

Unnatural devices slowly break with human interaction, at least some.

Natural things sometimes also break and sometimes they just exist, even longer than the humans who created them.

In the end both can be and should be, but maybe on a level which is good for everyone.

If there is no actual fun and joy which people can have, then it is pointless what, how and when they do or use something. Because without fun, even the best is just below average. And with fun and love and friendship, even the worst guitar sound in history could be a total success in the end.

Why is it, that only “perfect” things are worshiped or wanted?

Why is it, that people don’t want to do things on their own?

No time, no energy, no will.

Where does it comes from?

Well… you learn it in kindergarten, in school, at work.

Things could be dangerous, so better not do them. And if something happens, better blame others.

Or better blame those who usually never do something wrong, since when they once do something wrong, they are out of their “natural” pattern.

I am really pissed… why can’t we finally accept, that most things in life are out of hands, out of our hands. But that we are here and should be able to change them.

I mean, like with school. Why is it important, that there are some people in high seats who decide what is necessary for people to learn? Because then they obviously have no time to learn for themselves and think about things out of own consciousness.

The children know, that they have to learn on their own. It is natural and others can help, by answering questions, showing examples and give inspiration.

It is no coincidence, that most things are opposite from natural things.

Otherwise I wouldn’t be here writing, posting and feeling so powerless. Because usally when I say something, then it gets ripped apart. Gets ignored or when I can’t do things because I am just done, then it is my own fault.

It just shows, we are still among cavemen, pretending to be intelligent beings. I bet even the cavemen had more sense for humour and creativity. Since they had to live in different kinds of caves and had to defend themselves against different kinds of enemies and animals. Not like it is today, when things are more or less the same. You even took away their fire, so now what? No caves, no fire, no enemies, no tools, no fun?

Well, no wonder everyone is so depressed, crazy and getting dumber.

When you don’t have to use your brain, you will lose it.

And you don’t use it, when you do something which is easy for it to do.

But a big brain is not necessary to live and do great things, when the heart is beating for others.

People are all slowly killing themselves, but that is normal.

People like me, might not want to live like this at all, but that is insane.

Everyone breaks apart, works for something which isn’t even there.

I want to work for something which is or was here, but I do wrong.

Why is having a single child a lot different from having two children?

Why is it completely different to have a more than a handful of them?

A single child has to fulfill everything on its own, at worst. So it has to grow beyond itself.

Two children might be in a close relationship helping each other or they just are in constant conflict, make each other grow or break.

A house full of children could be helpful for the parents, but often is a lot of additional chaos, when they have no real base to live on. The older siblings often have a hard time looking after the younger ones, often have to work and grow beyond, especially the second or third child because they don’t have the “first born” bonus.

The youngest often have a hard time with getting enough love because there already were so many before them. Depending on the parents it also could be, that the older ones don’t get enough attention. If they all care for each other and have a healthy relationship, a big family can be a very great thing to have. Because the chances are high that you will get a sibling in each of the important areas. So you wouldn’t have to search for other people to fix, build, get or repair certain things, since someone in the family would be able to do it at some point.

The single child in a way has to keep up with all of it and often breaks, especially when the parents addionally have high expectations or put a lot of pressure and fear (or other unhealthy things) on top of them. Because there is enough to handle for a single child. Depending on the child it could either become bully or get bullied. The chances to be in the need to feel accepted is very high and the need to not be alone.

In my case it turned out to be that I was the loser kind, the one who wants to learn everything, help everyone, but because no one understands is lost and breaks. And well, I just had to keep up with everything and had nothing to really rely on or compare myself to. So I first thought, that I must be like everyone else, only to see that I was far from that.

A single child can be very intelligent, but also have trouble with connection, trust and hope. Because there usually was no sibling to ask for help, no one to blame and also no one to talk to. A single child often lives more with the extremes, as there aren’t much boundaries and also sometimes a lot of expectations and weird things to discover.

Could be very successful, but also very pushy on themselves which then could lead to health problems.

But you can’t take me and say, this is how it usually is like. I am one of the worst case scenarios, I would say.

Abusive parenting, depressed parents, depressed relatives, depressed village, partially strict teachers, no real connection with people, even with so called friends, high intelligence resulting in high depression from a young age on. I still don’t know how I am still here, but you know, that sometimes my dreams and reality fade, so that I don’t really know sometimes.

I mean, my memory sometimes tricked me and so I thought I already did something, but I just had dreamed about it or thought about it. Because my thoughts sometimes are highly visual and so I could imagine something and when I forget, that it was just imagine, then I could remember the imagination and therefor think it already happened. So it is useless to have all the cool abilites, if on the otherside they are useless because you can’t ues them really. At least not alone, but when you are alone for the most part, it is hard to trust.

In my case, I just had to lose the resistance that people would judge me, since they always did anyways. And while it still and always will hurt when people I know do that, here I at least have the safe distance. And I don’t care if people who know me personally find this, I also showed it to a few.

Because I just had to be able to somehow get in touch with other people and maybe some who have either some understanding. Like I have a lot of understanding, although I wish I wouldn’t have…

Or just people who make my day a little brighter and maybe give me some inspiration or other things to think about.

In a way I can write about anything, know something about everything, but sadly never enough to change it or if so, then I have not enough power to really think it through and make it happen. Everything is just pretty hard to do most of the time. Why? Because I have to always take a lot of time to calm myself down after unnecessary drama, stress and unwanted problems.

And then the neverending nightmare, the hopeless depression related with it and the knowledge, that there is only a very small chance, that things will actually get better. I mean, I really am just still here because I didn’t want to leave others alone, break their hearts (even more) and because I usually ignored myself. And when I didn’t I almost had to feel bad because I was not doing enough……………

And for my mother it is similar, although she probably hadn’t the chance to develop the explorative will I have, since she was the second of eight siblings and never really were allowed to have a free will. She was just too kind and justice seeking, in some ways maybe too idealistic or hopeless.

But she had a strong will, took things serious and whereever she works, she makes it really good. Now she is just done.

I mean my computer was basically my parents for me. Since it was logical in a way, didn’t hurt me and usually worked as expected. But well, I also had to take care of it because usually there was no one who knew how it worked. Only a few times at first.

It is good to know so many things, if I would be able to then really help others to make things different, better, good. But I have almost no power besides the survival mode. And if I have power, then only to do things which I enjoy. Otherwise I would break down pretty fast.

Why? Because I had ignored myself most of my life, fought against myself, hated myself and forced myself to do things I knew wouldn’t help me, would hurt me. But I had to, since no one was there to give me better options. I knew they existed, but I also knew, that no one would offer them to me and I simply couldn’t get them just like that.

This blog here, my (weird) music and such things, this is my last attempt, last chance to make things right. Even if not for myself, then maybe for the others or the children. So that they won’t break like me and all before them.

The heart knows more than the mind can ever come up with.

So without a heart, you are open to believe whatever is put into your mind.

A heart should have everyone who still is among the living, but most don’t use it, just see it as a pump, a “mechanical” part to make the body work.

And without it, nothing works, but they don’t understand, that you can still have it beating, but without “fire” it won’t give you live. Just continue until it is completely burned out.

Like a car and a hill. With energy the car can drive up the hill and depending on the car then can roll down, without the need for energy. So the car would still be rolling. It could seem as if there is still energy making it roll, but actually it just didn’t stop rolling for now and since it goes down, it could even go faster. But as soon as the next hill comes or it just goes up a little for some time, it will stop or even roll backwards after some time.

And most people are like this car, only that the hill is the education system, family situation and youth. So when they finally got up that hill, they just let it roll, not realizing, that their tank is empty or at least pretty low.

Some refill when they got down, but many just continue and continue, since the car is still running. But when it doesn’t anymore, they are done.

And well, I knew, that I wouldn’t get any refill in the first place. I knew that I could have taken the other paths around the mountain, the hill, but I wasn’t allowed. Everyone around blocked the roads and so I had to drive up there. But because I knew I wouldn’t get the refill, since they would be blocked as well for me, I just thought, maybe just drive even faster and then crash somewhere, since I wouldn’t want to roll out and endup braindead.

The better rushing down a cliff or burning the motor, while having a little something other than just pure pointless waste of time. And so I didn’t even made it across the hill most of the others passed. I stopped on top of it and just before it went down on the other side I rolled backwards.

One of the best experiences, since I always wanted to know where I actually came from. And those who passed the mountain can’t really go back, since there is no way for them to drive backwards and even if they try, the reverse mode of the car is usually not strong enough to get back up that hill. And usually they don’t want to turn around, since you only go forwards in life, right? Wrong… but most people believe that.

And while I was rolling backwards, I noticed this and that. I also rolled sideways with the car, breaking it into a state in which I won’t be able to drive that thing, even with a refill / recharge.

It is just broken and can’t drive anymore.

And usually I would say, well, then let’s just walk, since my legs are still intact. But no one does that. And even if I would try, the hill is so high up and eventhough the legs still work, doesn’t mean they aren’t injurged from all the rolling over, hitting rocks and whatelse. I can stand with them, walk on solid, flat ground, but that is it I guess. Maybe a few smaller ups and downs. But nothing big. Sadly there is a mob of people on the starting point and they don’t look as if they would help me around the hill. It actually seems as if they would push me up that hill until I jump from that cliff myself.

But hey, as long as I stay here, stand here, I am still alive.

Oh… oh what? There are others which also want to drive up that hill right now?

Oh… eh I am blocking the way with my broken car?

Oh… they… they want ME to get it out of their way?

Eh yeah… I can’t do that…

Oh… and now they are hooting and shouting at me….

Right… right. Eh I better get that car out of the way.

Man that thing is heavy.

Then I looked closer to the cars and people and noticed, that they were just standing there having a good time. Well, good for them. I mean really. But still, I never wanted up that hill, wasn’t supposed to get up that hill and now there is still the broken car. And my legs might be broken after all, I just ignored it like usual, still walking with them, although there shouldn’t be able to anymore.

I guess I am just waiting her until one of the cars drives me over or another one rolls down backwards. Maybe I should just lie down and roll down backwards just like that.

Oh, there are the other cars…

Dam it… they missed me.

You: Are you sure you are okay?

My response to that:

After I discovered, that it could be misleading:

When I look into the “other” world mirror:


And then just …

again with …


Post No.: 778

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