Weakness and strength

The strongest warrior is the one who shows their weakness, knows about their weakness, but still live with it.

The strongest warrior knows, that being strong means to have a big heart, especially in times, when everyone just fights for themselves. Or just to survive and “win” or whatever they are fighting for.

The strongest warrior usually holds others lives higher than their own. Although they should also know that their life is important. Because without them, the others would fall apart and without the others they could fall apart. And a strong warrior knows, that not everyone is their friend, but that their could be a friend in everyone. Even an old and well-known enemy.

The need to survive often changes people and makes them worse than animals. Because even animals, at least some, have a bigger heart than some humans. Even animals don’t follow the so called “natural” selection and even animals who would have eaten each other, sometimes helped, sometimes willingly, sometimes unknowning.

So if even animals, wild animals, sometimes have a bigger heart and understanding of weakness and grace and love, why do the humans hold up theirs so high? Or if not theirs, then the grace and love of their Gods or leaders?

A warrior is not heartless, not the kind of warrior I am talking about. Some warriors might not be able to hold a pen, some might not be able to defend themselves. But still their heart beats strong, sometimes very low and almost unheard or felt. Why are they stronger, while being weak or thought to be weak? They are strong because they are willing to give love and life and not just take it or “protect” it.

You can safe lives, you can just survive, you can think you can trust no one and there are damn many reasons to believe that.

What is weakness?

Depending on the context, I would say, weakness is to fake strength where is none. Depending on the context, I would say it is weak to harm, control and manipulate others, because you can’t live without that or think there is no other way. Depending on the context, I would say, that it is weak to scare others and make others hate someone, so you can get rid of them. This is weakness, when I should describe people who think they are strong.

When I should describe weakness for people who are considered weak, then weakness is only a word, used to describe something. But when it comes to something I have heard and probably read, even in the bible, then that God is strong in the weak. Depending on the context, you could, what I used to do, replace “God” with “love” and then you know who the warrior is.

So it doesn’t mean, that “weak” people are weak or “strong” people are strong. Or that it has to be this way all the time.

If it would come to me, then I would say, that some people are just better with muscles in their arms, some better with their brain muscles and some just have a big beating heart. And some might have a heart which is almost dead, but they have a strong will to fight for life anyway. So, it isn’t really about what you see with the eyes, or what you hear or maybe think. It is more about what you feel and actually want or need.

Usually a warrior wants to provide safety, help and care for others because they didn’t have that for themselves or had to stand their ground alone. And a warrior shouldn’t have to do that because it is a hard fight. It is a critical fight because it might change them into what they once fought or still want to fight. The good thing about a warriors heart is, that it can always find back to its origin, to kindness, love and strength. Strength to defend and fight for what is “holy” for them, for the children, the family and also everyone who could be part of it at some point.

Often the enemy could be just another lost warrior who forgot or never really knew, who they were or what they were fighting for. They just fought or survived or sometimes even fought against themselves. Sometimes they might not even be an enemy after all, just scared, like a wild animal, so they bite back.

In the context of stories, of wars and dark times, or just on chess boards, a warrior is just someone who is seen as “strong”. Someone who fights with violence to keep safety. Fights with weapons to conquer and secure. Or takes whatever they want, in order to survive.

It really depends on the context, when you use words. Because in some context, every good word can be used in a bad way and every bad word, might even be usable for good things after all. And if it is just for a movie or story, to show how to NOT do it, to teach and understand.

A word is a word and without them, many humans wouldn’t be able to communicate. But there are so many more ways to communicate. Some speak through their music, some just use their heart. Others create games or simply listen to someone on the streets. Sometimes not a single word, could say more than all of them together. Because if you can listen to someone or something, you also give something back. You give time, but most important, you are willing to take the time and therefor you really want to understand what you are listening to or maybe observing, watching, experiencing. You want to really know, although you might not know what to say about it. Some people also need someone who just listens for the most part. Because they have no one to talk to. Sadly, these people who then listen, would also often talk to someone or share something, but are then unheard.

Some people can’t even speak with words because they might not be able to speak for different reasons, others can’t hear, some are blind. But somehow, these people also found ways to communicate. We have so many different forms of communication these days, sometimes even ways others wouldn’t even think to be possible, like telepathy.

Some of the strongest warriors feel like shit, like a burden, to the people around them and then also to themselves. Often because people around them or even the parents, didn’t really value them. Often because they also were treated in a bad way. A “never” ending cycle.

And medication can’t help with that. At least not when it comes to what I call natural. If you really feel the power, the warmth and freedom of love, then no medication can replace that. Some can assist, I don’t want to say that they can’t, but a lot of medicine is only trying to replace, what we already have inside us. Or at least used to have and should have.

If we would live in an honest, friendly and kind world, then medicine would always just be for the better. Science could (the good scientists) long have found or improved ways to live free, with free energy and such things and people maybe wouldn’t even need too much medicine after all.

The need for such things comes from the lack of love and care for one another. I personally don’t know how all life came to life. It could have been here forever, until something or someone, maybe not even from this planet, decided that this can’t be. As if they know everything…

I am a warrior, but when you would see me walking down the street, you would probably see a weak guy. A lost case. Or maybe you would be scared, when you see a dark shadow walking outside or inside the forest without a light. Maybe you would think that I am a freak, if you would see me, maybe just a little child. Maybe you would laugh about me, how I could say or write what I did. That I would never be good or never be changing things. And maybe you would be right. But trust me, that I have done all that to myself already, thought about it, felt it, saw it, dreamed it, said it. Maybe not everything in detail, but enough to be able to say, that I have seen it all.

The only thing which I haven’t seen yet, that the good side wins at last.

Usually I just see, what some people present you and me. I see, that things never really changed, if even, then only temporarily. And I see, that right now, the world is going into a darkness, it had not see in a long time. And I am not talking about the world wars here. Some of you probably know what I mean. So I say, be strong, be weak, be love my friends.

And I learned, that in order to beat evil, you fearst have to become bigger than it. Because if evil can scare you, then why can’t you scare it as well?

The biggest fear of evil or fear itself, is that things work without it.

As long as there is the need for fear and evil, then it will grow and grow until it either had destroyed everything or at least controls everything.

Love doesn’t do that. Love can wait many years, can give space, can give and give, without anything in return. But love itself might be endless, but not the love in our hearts, when there comes none of it back.

When a warrior (the ones in the stories) fights battle after battle, they also need food, warmth and rest to regain their strength. Otherwise their will to fight won’t be enough anymore at some point and all their strength and training are pointless. Not because they wouldn’t try to fight until the bitter end, they would, at least if they would still know for what they are fighting. But when the energy is gone, then the energy is gone. And where I come from and where I want to be, there the energy is never lost.

Sadly we live in a society, in a world which wants us to believe that everything has an end. That it is necessary to produce cheap batteries and rechargeables and expensive devices, which should maintain energy and progress or whatever. But this only supports the believe, that we are nothing more like rechargable throwaways and sometimes just single-use plastic bags or a cheese burger or whatever.

And hey, I have nothing against a cheese burger, but I think you know what I am talking about.

We live in a world in which weakness has to be cured or hidden or overcome. And I am not talking about a trauma you have to process and heal. I am talking about the things which cause these things and that it still seems to be normal to take pills, to only spare a little time to people who need support. Everyone can heal themselves and in the end only they themselves can really know best, what is best for them and therefor heal themselves. But we should assist them, support them and give them the possibility.

Instead we live in a world, in which you give them maybe some pills, a few hours with a therapist and done. Then you send them back into school, to work or if not possible into a clinic or whatever. And if that all doesn’t work, then you simply say: “Sorry, we can’t help you.”

In other words: “Please die, because we have enough other problems, even without you.”

In other words: “Can’t you just die already. Life is hard enough without people like you.”

In other words: “I also hate my life and could need some help, but I guess this is life now.”

In other words: “Everything is broken and no one knows how to fix it, so you can’t do it as well.”

In other words: “You claim to have a big heart, but no one has such a thing. Because I have studied or read it in a book and so it must be true.”

In other words: “All my knowledge comes from others or what others considered as reasonable and logical. So you can’t know or understand more than me.”

In other words: “Here are too many words, why not just quit that part and just hand out pills. Words will only confuse you.”

Did I say something? – okay, yes obviously, but you know….

Oh and again for some people who like bibles. There is also a story in it about, I think it was King David (sorry in case I mixed something). At least an important man in the bible, who people know. Once he ran away and went to the enemies. But when they discovered him, he played a crazy one. And do you know what they did? They said, that they already had enough of those on their own, so they simply threw him out of the town / city. And so he survived and probably learned a few lessons.

So if the enemies had a lot of people who were crazy, insane and such things. Then what the hell is going on right now? I mean even doctors take pills / medicine to keep calm. A lot of people drink, others have other addictions and many are just ignorant and egoistic or whatever, or scared.

Because it is scary, really scary. More scary than all the horror in movies, stories and games. Because this horror is real and it grows and grows.

Warriors, don’t give in and especially don’t give up.

And for those who already lost and don’t know what to do, I was there as well. You can always get up again. But as I said, we need to share, we need to care and be there for each other. Because even the strongest warrior needs the basic things and usually they are the ones who have it the least.

Probably it is that, which made them fight this hard.

Which made their heart (love) grow so immense. And all who fight against themselves, feeling unworthy, miserable, evil or just like shit. You are all worthy of love, because we are all still living beings and we can’t survive without it. Many try to replace it with work, with taking the love and joy from others because they couldn’t have it on their own. Trust me, I did these things and it didn’t give me what I wanted. I always knew what I wanted, deep down. But at some point, it just wasn’t possible anymore for me too keep up. I stopped crying in secondary school. Not because I wanted to, but because it was just too much. I stopped caring because it seemed that everything will always go the same way. You get born, get forced to do what others want, you break and then you die. But something inside me always survived, this need to protect others nonetheless, although I sometimes couldn’t and even harmed others myself.

And I couldn’t defend myself because each time I tried, it only got worse for me. So I was better of keeping quiet, dying inside, waiting for a soon death.

This is the worst thing which can happen to a warrior, to lose love, hope, will, reason and therefor life. Many didn’t return after they reached this point, at least from what I have experienced and seen. Because it is a hard battle to get out of there again. It is totally worth it, but when you are fighting out of it again, you don’t know that. You sometimes don’t even know anymore what you did yesterday or why you are here. You lost all and everything and so you might just fight this battle because there is nothing else left. Maybe you even fight it for the wrong reason because you think that this way you might be able to die sooner. In my case it felt like this. The more I fought, the nearer I felt towards death. And on one side it scared the shit out of me, not because of death, but because of what I discovered inside and around of me. And yes, at the end of the hardest battle, I was left with the decision: Life or Death.

And although I fought so hard for death, I actually decided for life. Not because I thought it was possible, but because I thought, that if death, then at least I would try something else first. Or whatever I thought. But for me it was clear, that at this moment, I had nothing to lose anymore. Because everything was irrelevant, at least for myself. The only thing I wanted, was this warm feeling in my chest.

And the fighting continues each day. But only when you know why you fight, for what you fight, it is worth the fight. In my case, I am fighting for you or at least all the people out there who are suffering. Usually most people are in some form. So I will just count you in.

If I would fight for myself, then I would only be alone. And I can be on my own, I always was in a way. Don’t get it wrong, sometimes it was really good to be just alone. No one who wanted to harm me, no one who wanted me to do something. No one who knew better than me or wanted to tell me what to do and what not to do. But I never really wanted to be alone. I actually always wanted to be with others, but I never saw in them, what I hope to find. My problem was, that I let myself get dragged down by that because I thought that they wanted it this way. After all I went through, I couldn’t imagine anymore, that someone would care about me, the actual me or listen to me. Why would someone, because whatever is important, comes from people with important titles, jobs and positions. So why would anyone care for me.

I haven’t found you.

Well, okay, this is basically a “fourth wall” trick, because anyone who reads this would be the “you”, but still. It still is true because if you really read all this and maybe more what I wrote, you give me more than I felt I was worthy of. Not because I didn’t know that I was worthy of life and love, when I was younger, but after I completely broke down.

I am still often not sure what to do, what to say and make mistakes, feel guilty, bad and just retreat. While around here I feel pretty strong and even immortal sometimes, where I actually live, I often still feel like an unwanted broken robot. I mean, I fought almost all my fears and am fighting the last one(s) by doing what I do here. But I still feel, as if I might not going to make it.

From your perspective this might seem, as if the big Statue of Liberty tells you, I am too weak to carry the torch, can you please hold it for me?

And you be like:

I am good.

Or you are like:

Or you feel like this:

And in case (like almost everyone following this blog) you don’t understand german or at least are not from Germany. Well, good for you… eh or bad?

I don’t know. It is just, that I would have used an english version, but I found this and it sounded very … great?

You: Nein!

Me: Doch!

You: Ohh!!

Eh… yea… warrior … we were talking about weakness and strength.

And I just hope, that what I am doing here helps.

I know that many things could make things worse or out of context cause a lot of additional trouble, for me or maybe even you. I just have to finally let out what I was holding back my whole life. And that is what happens here on this blog.

Maybe we will never meet each other, maybe you wouldn’t regocnise me, would we meet. I just wish, that things would finally be different and that my mind wouldn’t have to keep up with all of this. And that I could finally let go of this weight and finally just enjoy things. Alone, with others, maybe with you. But so far we are not where we actually would want to be. So far our home is invaded, is separated, divided and conqered. Not free, not safe not really what I would call home. But it can be one day and it will be.

And if instead of words, I could simply show you, I would. I am really trying, but it is probably easier for most of you to read for now. Maybe already enough to handle all of this. And I also am not as strong with dreams as I was before. Since I usually felt similar in my dreams as I do here. Nothing, numb, cold, scared, lost, hopeless. But now also love, hope, joy, sadness and happiness. At least in some few dreams and at some days or some moments. I mean you are talking for someone who doesn’t care when the feet are cold and burn because they are freezing. Because this is normal for me and usually has been this way. Even right now it is like this. Not even blankets can warm them because it has to do with my heart. Like my hands also get cold often.

It is, when the heart can’t keep up anymore.

And it had to keep up with so much….

I really hope, that my dreams and deepest wishes come true.

For all of us.

And it is a fact, that people work better with music. But for me the “work” part means, that the people can live better with music. Music unites us, although some things which are considered music, are still a little sick for me. Like listening to a few electronic beats over and over again. But well, I can also do that sometimes. The mixture of things make life worth living for. So why do some people try to make everything work similar so badly?

But we will do this and if I won’t do it, what I hope, but can’t say for sure, then at least you. ❤

Because life feels kinda strange because most people are far away from life. So it indeed is strange for them because they are “life-strange” or “lebensfremd”, which makes more sense.

And I am having a lot of Deja Vus lately again.

Just wanted to let you know.

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