Stories about winter and dispair

The Walking Dead – S9

I just finished the 9th season of The Walking Dead.

How “coincidence” happens, I just needed it.


I can’t remember ever crying while watching this series in the past. Or in general having any kind of emotions or reactions.

And now, especially towards the end, I had to cry several times and sometimes just a small tear dropped out. Even while not watching. It touched me how it again reflected my inner feelings, what I fear and have seen. But it also represented the hope and love I missed. I even had to cry and felt so happy to see Negan. After all this time even he became a good guy, whatever that means after all. For me it just means, that he found his heart.

He is still an asshole and things happened, horrible things, but he cared for Judith as if it was his daughter, since her brother was dead and her father not seen anymore. He wanted to save, what he could. After all what he did and how pointless his life was, he wanted that this girl doesn’t go where he went. And so he listened to her, tried to help her with school stuff and also played some mind games with her. She always was better than him and also could have shot him easily. But she didn’t, eventhough she knew what he did or at least knew that he was a very bad man.

Still he listened, since he had not much to do, except for rotting in a cage. And she had not really someone to talk to. This friendship really made me cry and also the one with Lydia and the Prince and Queen. Just so many things to cry about. And how all of this was just another mirror of reality.

And I again cry while writing about it.

It is just how this little girl was stronger than most, if not all of the others. And she even taimed the once so evil Negan. Even made him rescue and protect her. And the key was love because she cared for the little Negan deep down somewhere. She knew that he was dangerous and all, but she also knew that she was stronger and more dangerous. But also still just a girl and also she sometimes just wanted to be this little girl. This scene when Negan found her together with the dog. I think he would have got out of his clother except for the underwear in this cold winter storm. But the jackets and whatelse he had was enough. Because one thing was for sure, he didn’t want to lose her. She was the only one who really cared for him and tried to build up a connection. And she didn’t try to change him or blame him like the others. Although she for sure wanted him to change and she did.

And then with Lydia, she felt guilty for being weak, while she actually had a strong heart and went through a lot because of her mum and what she did.

She felt guilty that because of her so many died, even the one who cared for her. It made her feel even more gulty, so that she wanted to die, but couldn’t do it. Even wanted a dead one to bite her arm or that the queen should kill her, because it was her son who died as well.

But the queen was there for her both times and didn’t want her to feel this way. Lydia even thought that she can’t be good and that basically everyone is in danger with and because of her. But it just wasn’t true, she has such a kind heart and just was in the wrong place for too long.

I also was touched that Judith gave the hand to the woman who had a prison tattoo and hidden blades. Trusting her because she had seen, that she had a good heart after all, just a broken one.

And these things were very intense for me because I found a part of me in many of these characters. How they all had different stories, of course, but in the end fought together side-by-side. And into the winter.

Always the winter and the storm….

Because it is the winter and the storm of hearts of fear, frozen hearts.

We are talking about a winter inside, but maybe we will also talk about a winter outside and storms outside.

I once said, that the winter will soon be over. And I meant what I said because together we can survive in it. No matter whether it is inside or outside or both. Everyone has something to give, to make a hearts a little warmer. Without these hearts we are just machines, biological androids working, talking and dying, like products in the dumbster.

I don’t know how long this winter was and how long it will last. And I guess it will get even colder each day, not only outside, since it soon is winter time again. I just know that it has to end soon altogether and give spaces for something new, something magical, majestic and wonderful. Otherwise I will die for sure and maybe most of you as well. At least those who still got a warm heart or are discovering it these days.

And I sure know, not everyone who smiles is happy. But sometimes might be, at least for some time. It was good writing this down and watching the 9th season like this.

It also showed how the writer(s) and people there felt and that they also were sick of how things still are and used to be. That always some “strong” or I should say cold and ignorant people are getting in the way. Playing king of the hill or the world or whatever. And that they just care for themselves and to be the “best” or strongest and hardest. Or just the one with the most power.

And that many people are having wounds deeper than skin. That they often feel like they don’t belong or that they should do more or just can’t handle it. It is also interesting how the good ones at some point turned into gray or even darkness and instead some from the gray or dark side turned towards the good one. I liked how these street gang turned from threatening the kingdom into heart burning defenders of the very same, after they got invited to the festival and a cinema. That not everything has to be the way it used to be, but still so many just want it to be this way. Or simply can’t let go or understand what could be.

And Carol’s words about dreamers were also very important and deep. She meant, that there should be more dreamers like the Prince (sorry I have a problem with names sometimes). But Hezekiel meant, that there should be also people to get them down on the ground again. I for my part thought, that we already have way too many of the “grounders”. I see so few dreamers and often they get stopped or blocked, at least where I am. As if there is a secret code or rule which only allows a certain amount of creativity, dreams and all.

But I also heard, that dreamers change the world. And it is true, if others would let them or would listen to them. Without dreamers, you can forget everything because only with dreamers and hearts you can get there. With the child in you and not by playing or always pretending to be grown up, wise or strong or whatever. Just because someone expects that or things that it has to be this way. A child can really be much stronger than all these wanna be strong ones, who have no heart. But sadly they can still harm, torture or even kill these hearts, these girls and children in general.

All because they can’t except that they are happier, more intelligent, kinder, have love and all. So they make them do bad things or think bad things or just harm them until they do it themselves or can’t take it anymore.

And when Henry (the prince) once got injured, he also said, that he was sick of this all and hope that it would be over. After he was dead, the queen was in deep sorrow and blamed herself for believing in this dream of a wonderland, a peaceful and kind future. At least for those in the kingdom and other communities.

And things seemed to fall apart. But when they reached the castle and the storm was settled for a while, they started to play with the snow. Hugged each other and enjoyed the time together and were happy, that they survived the hard, cold and dangerous march they had gone through.

Although it was still winter and things still seemed very hopeless, they at least still had each other. But also still had some of the problems they carried. Michonne said the good ones would come together, when faced with or surrounded by evil. But Negan then said, that no one wants to be the bad guy. And that is right. No one should be the bad guy, but we still have too many.

And then, when I consider myself as such, I do the same as Lydia. Blaming herself for what had happened to her and what others did and she had to do, in order to survive.

But for my part, I would really like to play or be the bad guy, because if I would be your worst enemy, you could finally beat it. Beat your worst fears, fight everything you hate and be free afterwards. And from my knowledge and experience I could have been “the bad guy” very easily. But not when it comes to my heart. My heart only allowed things which were only harming myself for the most part. At least as good as I could. Sadly it not always worked and sometimes I did hurt others, sometimes probably more than I thought I would. And I sure didn’t want that.

But just from my knowledge and experience, I could read people, manipulate people, trick people, trap people, torture people, control people. And if I would have wanted to, I could have learned how to hack basically anything, since it is possible. But I only learned enough to know, that it is and that it often is easier then thought. But compared to real hackers, I am just someone who discovered fire, as you could say. And still it seems that I sometimes have a deeper understanding of things than those who control these things. Or think they know it all.

If I really would have wanted to be an evil villain, then I sure would have had everything necessary to do so. All except a completely ice cold heart and machine mind. But even I almost fell for it and many times wanted to die because of all this. The good thing is, I did the least harm, out of the worst possibility and can use it to make things better now. The bad thing is, that, while I can somehow sometimes live with it, I am not sure when it comes to the people who know me since I was little. Because almost all of them never really knew me, only parts of me, if not just my bag full of masks. Masks I had to wear because otherwise I would have been hurt even more and also hurt others more. To a point where I couldn’t really tell the difference between myself, the masks, reality and dream. All the same…

Each time I cry I know for sure who I am, at least for myself I know it.

I just wish I could cry all day, but it doesn’t work like this. Especially not, when you weren’t able to cry for a decade or more. Of course a few times here and there. But usually it had to be “surprises” which made me cry without the ability for my brain to prepare for it. Eventhough I didn’t want it to do that, but since I usually had to hold things back it learned this over time.

No one should have to go the paths I walked. You will lose yourself walking them. You will die many times. You will scream inside, but nothing gets out. You cry inside, but there is just a blank stare or even a smile. You will hate yourself, break yourself and harm yourself and maybe others. And at some point you might die completely. And the worst part is, that when it is like in my case, then it wasn’t even your fault. At least not that you really wanted it, but it happened nonetheless. It is as if you would say: “I want to live.” Then someone tells you: “But you can’t live, at least not like that.” And then you say: “Okay, then I don’t want to live, so I want to die.” Only to get told: “This was your decision, you wanted that, so it is your fault what happens and happened to you. It is stupid to say such a thing.”

In case you such find yourself in all of it or just a few things, then I am here and I really have nothing better to do than read things, write things, listen to stuff and watch. My only problem might be language, since when it comes to words it would be best to use english or german. Because other languages are also interesting for me and I would love to speak them all, but I just don’t have to power to learn them right now…

Luckily we have translator tools, so I could at least understand most things.

And the reason why I say, that I am here is, becase most people usually blend in a help hotline or website or whatever. But I know, that in my case they could not help, so why should I tell you to go there, when it didn’t help me either? Which doesn’t mean that it couldn’t help in your case, but even if they wanted to understand, it simply is not possible in my case.

It is almost as understanding why everything is how it is, most people don’t even realize what is possible right now, so how should they understand me then?

Depending on the way you are, I might be your Negan. Or maybe I am your Judith. I could also play many others because I have a whole set of parts. But all I actually want is to be safe. I want to know when I wake up, that I can just live, without any conditions. No one who says, that I have to do this or that. No one who harns ne, tries to manipulate me or just hurt me. I would just want to wake up and see my mother happy, my father finally giving up on his destructive, depressing insanity trip, in which he destroys my plants, me and my mothers life and tries to control everything and everyone in it.

I would like to wake up and know, that only a majority of people don’t care for others and that they might also one day at least have the chance to change. But all I see is the same like all the years before, even before I was born. Always the same show. Only that the people sometimes realize it more or less. Sometimes wear this, sometimes that and in the end all died. Or maybe did hide away.

And I know that I should have talked about some of the things I did, especially the things I did when others were involved or probably got harmed. Because I would want to apologize for it, but I simply can’t. It is like inside I am telling everything, kneeling down, begging and all, but when I have the chance, I am just quiet. As if I couldn’t speak at all.

While I write a whole Almanac (quite literally) around here, out there I often not even say more than a few sentences. I mean I had days with other people where I just said hello and goodbye and maybe a few sounds to make them understand, that I was still there or listening.

Sometimes with my mum or my cousin friend brother, I talked for hours. But usually I felt bad for doing so afterwards. Just because it was a lot of time it took, didn’t really seem to help them or they just didn’t understand everything. And yeah…. But sometimes they did. I mean, it is almost unimaginable for me, that someone really understands me, knows what I am talking about or actually wants to know something.

It is like: “Hey, I know basically everything or at least a little about every topic and can go very deep in from there. Wanna learn and explore with me?”

And then the answer usually is: “Well, I don’t know.”

And I would think: “Ok, I am here waiting. I am really good with waiting.”

Only to find myself waiting, just waiting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.