Music, (I am) still pointless…

I listened to these two and played one of my favorites video games of all time. Mount&Blade Warband… after thousands of hours played, it is still giving me peace, safety and a feeling of freedom and that there is a chance to make everything right. Although not in the way of the game, of course.

Last night I cried, weeped and felt my heart burning in a good way.

It lasted throughout the day until evening. I thought and hoped, that it could be a good day after all. But I was wrong… I just had to talk about some people I care about and about some topics again… I just had to ruin it all again. Making my mother angry again at me… because she was working while I was not… and yes it is my fault. I shouldn’t have felt safe and positive… how could I think that this evening was a good moment to talk about hope and helping some people… I should have just eaten my foodd and went straight back into my room. Like the piece of shit that I am. Although my mother doesn’t see that in me and loves me. But I can’t stand it, that she never really get on common ground with me.

As if I was trying to rob her future or something, while I never had one in the first place. And it isn’t her fault, but I don’t want to always feel bad for being the way I am. Knowing that she is also not feeling good.

But instead of feeling better, when I try to tell her, that things can work out and be better. She has to stick to the things which are pointless and make her feel bad and exhausted. As if it was helping…

I know that I am pointless. But I also know that some people out there feel similar, think similar and don’t want to continue like this either.

But today I just had to ruin this day again… while all I wanted was to … I don’t know. I shouldn’t have mentioned the people I care about. I know that each time when I do that or when I talk about what I do, that it ends like this.

Why do I even try……………….

Don’t try.

Charles Bukowski (written on his grave stone)

And after that I listened to these…

And now we are here again…



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