How I would visualize my life
But my drawing skills are limited and my handwriting has clearly seen better days…
I bet you can’t read anything…
And it probably looks like shit. Like everything I do.
But yeah… wooo…. I am still here.
As if I had much of a choice………..
Sorry that you had to meet me like this.
But if I would actually be allowed to do whatever I want and you as well, then I wouldn’t be sitting here doing all of this and trying to stay, while I wanted to be gone as a child.
And well, the evil faces aren’t mine.
They represent society, as well as mean and ignorant people.
And also evil and diabolic beings in general.
While I am trapped there on the left (the little man in chains).
And also where I would be and see myself, without the chains (the guy holding up the “freedom” target thingy).
Most other things are explained with words and symbols, I hope.
And there is basically a bow with an arrow, trying to shoot through this endless madness evil ones created. To somehow through the wide unknown, which isn’t all that unknown to me, I hit the target. While obviously first hitting through the endless loop, this bowtie. Yeah wow, without my knowing I drew an english word joke, since I am german.
Bow + tie = bowtie
And this arrow with feathers and a star at the end, will hit right through it.
But it feels more like this most of the time:
(Screenshot taken from the quest The war within – Warframe)
And yeah, this is how I usually looked like in school or when with other people. Because I knew that they didn’t want me the way I was. It was a fact and not a thought. Because whenever I started to open up, it got weird.
So I was silent most of my life, but not only silent, but talking stupid things to make other people feel comfortable. And to justify their behavior towards me. So that I could accept it, to believe that it must be my fault.
I am very good in adjusting my level of presented intelligence in a way, that I will always seem less competent than the other people around me. Because I also had to do that in order to not freak out and smash everything into pieces or simply cry or scream.
This is basically how the whole world seems to work.
One nazi guy sitting on top, telling the children what to think, to do and how to react. And out of fear they do what is expected of them. Then they cry and the others get tortured and in the end all are suffering in some way, while others simply shut their eyes, ears and mouths.
Only because someone really wanted a perfect perfection or whatever hell.
If someone asks who I am. Tell them I am a ghost.
Otherwise they would think that I am crazy.
But the whole world is mad and so the ones who aren’t are dying, get called crazy and even blame themselves. Or just can’t do it any more.
What a paradise, a paradise in which everyone is kind of numb, feels pain and it is even normal or accepted that life is pain. But I know that life isn’t meant this way. Love is meant to be in life, this warm feeling filling your chest and then the whole body. Giving you an immense amount of joy and also the ability to cry about the pain which is out there. And if most people would feel this warmth instead of pain or just numb, then we wouldn’t think that what we have now is good or even the best what humans have to offer. If you ask me, it is the worst.
I am just happy that there are some people out there, still fighting for good, maybe even untouched by evil. With hope, warmth and love in their lives. Spreading it all around them. But where I am, it isn’t possible. Because all the love I have already has to manage the pain, sorrow and problems others throw at me. So I can’t really give much of this warmth because I often can’t even light it up for myself. Because the negativity I absorb to make others happy is just unbearable. Whereever I go, at least when I just let it happen, the people get happier or at least less pessimistic. But guess who has to carry it all? And when they then also expect me to do what they do or want… it is just impossible.
All what I am here for is giving warmth in hearts, but I weren’t allowed to do that until there was only hate and anger. And now I just hope, that I am not making your heart colder than it might feel or even take your “flame” away. I don’t want that, I want to help someone out there, maybe you.
And sorry for all these confusing things. But as I wrote recently, this is like an interactive “good bye letter”. Not because I wanted it to be nor because I want to leave. But because this world wouldn’t let me be and because I could be gone soon. If it would be for myself and maybe you, then I would be watching some amazing movies, walk through the night and across mountains on high noon. If it would have been the life which was intended for us to have. A life in which we could develop technologies actually environment friendly and not all this scam. We would be using our own energy or potatoes or something to light up our houses.
We would have more and more potatoes and other food and plants. Because in nature it actually is always growing. Maybe expotential or even more than that. Out of one seed in nature usually a lot of new seeds appear. So that a farmer after planting a field full of potatoes, wheat or any other food, would have enough seeds for some following years. Maybe a decade. Instead our so called science produced seeds which may produce food a little bigger than natural. But it also taste bad, has (most-likely intended) no or only broken seeds and therefor the farmer has to buy new ones each time. And maybe even gets less and less out of them.
So if you really want science, the science which is lead my mad people, save this planet. The take a shovel and dig your grave, because soon enough you will die with their help.
A real explorer investigates everything, all perspectives and has friends around the world. A real explorer has a heart open for everyone and even for their enemy. Especially the enemy, since the enemy needs a heart to live. But no one wants to take this burden and so it gets even heavier for those few who do because they still want to believe in good.
If everyone would instead of helping the systems, the machine minds, just help each other and refuse to follow their rules. Then this burden wouldn’t be all that heavy.
“Shared pain is half of the pain.” or how the saying goes.
But almost noone wants to share and if they do, the others act like Bruno in this last video (with the boy in the striped pajama and this nazi guy).
As if it was crazy to just be there for another human being or being in general. My mother even feeds hedgehogs, other cats and even foxes and other animals which sometimes find their way to our house. A garden full of all kinds of plants and in summer the bees are flying around there.
But instead of being happy about it, my father has to cut down branches of my trees, cut down roses and other plants. Tries to convince us that it is for our best or necessary. Even started to feed the animals instead of us, while he then put in way too much and so most of it attracted flies. And then my mother had to throw it away. What a nice father… and I still love him.
Because I know deep down he also has a broken heart and I know why.
But I can’t help him because each time I tried I got even more pain, got blamed more and often was colled bad, possesed by evil spirits and whatelse. While clearly he was destroying everything around him and especially what wasn’t his.
And when I just showed him that I can’t stand it anymore, by cutting down the old swing which was still hanging down on this old sad tree. My father again called me evil. And when I explained to him, that it was remembering me of my broken, hellish, not really existing childhood. He said: “When it reminds you of your childhood, then you can have it. I even give it you as present.”…… Basically telling me, that he likes to see me suffer.
And my mother is just lost somewhere in her russian stories, movies and animals.
While I am in my room most of the time. Writing here, making msuic, listening to music, watching videos of other people who are suffering or try to make some sense out of their existence.
And then I also program a little, hoping to make some creative things. But actually I think that in the end it will not really be noticed. Should I be dead at some point, then it would just be another dead body going to the cemetary.
People would be talking about who will get the house and stuff. And maybe my trusted friend would be even more falling into his deep sorrow. And all of you as well, if you would even notice it.
And after a few days or weeks most people would move on, forget about all I have done. What good I did, how much it cost me to stay alive. And what I did to survive because I didn’t want to let them down.
And they will look at my music and think, that it must be crap or sadly a lost talent or whatever. Not knowing that my heart went into it and my life. And that I wanted to play music since I was 2 years old. But I didn’t really have a chance at home. And my mother wanted me to go to a music school or teacher. But I just wanted to learn and play in the way of nature. Learning for myself as I always did and do with things.
But everyone gets taught that dependencies are normal, that everyone has to suffer and only this way life is possible. While the truth is, that we act like lone trees, wandering around without connection. While everyone convinces you that there can’t be a forest. Because it can’t be that easy.
Children know that life can be that easy and is that easy. But luckily childish adults or incompetent youth is leading the way. Already brainwashed, to think without a heart. To do whatever people who can talk smart say. And they are smart… smart without the ability to think free. Be creative, peaceful, loving and just there to be.
The ones highest on the ledder of career, world and power. They will fall at some point and the day they started to climb up, was the day they died. Taking everyone around them with them into the grave. While all they should have done was being themselves. Finding solutions with friends or family (in case they got a supporting one). Instead they all put their problems on the children, on people like me and maybe you.
They make us suffer even more then they had suffered, while pretending that now everything is better. So that everyone who shows the pain must be crazy, sick and therefor not normal. And I hate normality because it is the brother of “gleichschaltung” / forcible-coordination.
But everyone thinks we are in a free world, a world of hope and freedom and peace. While it is a world of madness, destruction and torture. Torture for the hearts, the minds and souls. Until people die or go themselves…
In my village and area died way too many people because of accidents, suicide and such things. A small village with a few hundred people. They even started building black, gray, white block houses here as well. While before houses here were a little more colorful.
And the town made a new market place, which took a coupple of years, only to end up having a big gray place. Gray stone, lanterns, some sand and more gray, next to a big gray town hall. And they said they would do it for the country thing called “Landesgartenschau” (“state horticultural show” or something like that). To be fair, the town park looks more colorful now. But still. The whole town seems a lot darker now than when I was little. The streets seemed brighter, the people a little more cheerful. We even got these international events, there were different kinds of food from other countries. Maybe they still do that, I don’t know. … it doesn’t matter anymore.
They try to get rid of the village administration (basically a handful of farmers and an elderly man who is doing some office work). They totally ignored their wish to make the kindergarten bigger. And now all of a sudden there is a big group of people who collected signings to get the room of the village administration to be used for this purpose. As if the village administration was the problem. And guess what, there already were plans ready to build new buildings or at least add parts to the existing ones. So probably this horde of people was just there to make the young people or villagers in general believe that they had achieved something. But actually it was all long planned. And even if not, it still is all bullshit and no one cares. No one thinks, but everyone thinks they do something good. Everyone thinks that all is good, but no one really cares for the children. Or maybe they just want them to be happy, stupid worker drones, as I said.
Why am I still here… Why….
I only show you what is behind the curtain.
And then you suffer even more or maybe start to.
If it would make you wake up from the illusion and then do something against it. I can only hope for it. But you probably already tried, like me.
I am still doing things, still trying to give people hope, when I can.
But I don’t know if this blog is actually giving hope and not just taking the last bit of it away.
I don’t want that, but then what kind of hope is there in not telling the bitter truth, when knowing the truth could actually give people the chance to act upon it. That the world is a mass illusion, controlled by a few lunatics or whoever, whatever is sitting in secret thrones. Devils… if you ask me.
But no one asks me. And so I must assume that you are either not able to write or talk, which I could understand. I was there as well up until last year. So don’t worry, you don’t have to write. I also couldn’t before.
And in case you just don’t know what to say, it is enough to know that you really wanted to know me. Since no one ever wanted that. Or at least as soon as I started to open up, it seemed to be wrong. I had and have some people who I still consider as friends. And who were good to me for the most part. But I couldn’t really talk with them because they were in other worlds. And so I only got one friend who is also one of my cousins, who knows all about me. At least all I could put into words or visualize. And most of it is now also on this blog and in my music on YouTube.
But really, what does it matter, when everyone simply accepts death as the norm. Accepts that there is nothing they can do, while there always is something you can do. Love… nothing else matters.
But instead even this one guy from the band who had this song, shot himself. I don’t know what he did in private or who he was. But I bet it wasn’t because he had fun living.
Edit: I actually mixed Nirvana with Metallica… well… thanks brain. But still, love, nothing else matters.
A teenager, a boy who was in highschool in the town, he hanged himself I think two years ago or last year. In the forest next to my village.
And people were going against the towns preacher family, because their daughter wanted to be a boy and they agreed. As if it was any of their business. I personally can understand this girl pretty well, because I also often feel more like in the wrong body or in general wrong time and world.
I also sometimes imagined myself as a woman, even sometimes forgot that I was a man, at least from the first look. And I really don’t care about genders anymore, about all this crap. If there would be love in the hearts, these things would be not so much of a drama. And whether someone changes their appearance or gender or whatever, or not. What matters is the heart and who they really are.
But no one cares about love, about all that. Everyone just wants to forget the pain, the misery and broken dreams.
My only dream is to be able to just live and love. Give people love, see what they can do with what they got. Give them courage and motivation to change the world (or get rid of it, depending on how you see it). But I think I can’t do that like this. The way I am now. I waited too long. I don’t know…
I just know, when I went down, everything around me also went more down with me. But I did what everyone wanted me to do… and that was the problem because I knew it wasn’t right. But I had noone who supported me. Noone who saw what I could do, my heart, my intelligence, my artistic side, my creativity, will to give and live through love. All they saw the mask or my depressing poems, my sad moods, my stupid reactions because I was sick of it all. All they saw was the loser until I only saw the loser, while some might actually still saw a hero in me. But I wasn’t and whatever I do here, I can just hope, that it doesn’t make things worse. But usually when I do something, it is this way.
“Schlimmer geht immer.” (“It can always get worse.”), what I usually see and think.
“The world never changed, it only looks different.”, like I used to say.
If I would know that someone would really want to work together with me, then I can see something good in whatever there might be. I was born as a loving, optimistic wonderchild. With abilities most humans don’t even get, as it seems. And what am I now…
All I can do is putting my last heart power into all of this, hoping it will lead to something good, expecting it to be not worth the effort, since it would just be ignored. And fearing, that it will only make everything worse, than it already is. Like it used to be. I only know that it wasn’t my fault, because of some good experiences with people who felt better when they were with me.
But I let them alone. Because I still felt alone, like always.
Because the amount of people doesn’t matter, when there is noone who really wants to know your true self.
I usually felt less alone, while actually being all by myself because I then could just let my heart decide. And so I created some crapy mods for some games. Tried everything related to computers, did write, draw, and analyse. Learned more about the world I was living in. And enjoyed listening to conversations while driving with the bus or by train. Often pretending to be asleep because I didn’t want to seem noisy or whatever.
And I also usually felt tired, dry and deadinside. I even fell asleep like this sometimes in the middle of the day. Sometimes hitting my head only to wake up to laughing people. Who made fun of me or while half awake hearing them talk about me and what a wreckage I must be, sleeping in public during day time…..
Probably because I couldn’t sleep well at night…..
But who cares, it is way funnier when someone else is in pain, then when it is your own life. I remember everything, at least everything important for myself. What did hurt me, what helped me and what I find interesting or sad.
And it tears me apart to see teenagers or at least younger people than me see suffer the same way or even worse than me. People who also have love in their hearts, who want to give others love and make their life better. But other just want them to work, earn money and not let them be.
Some of them are my friends as well, but I let them down now I guess….
And some of them don’t want to live anymore, even tried to take their own life or at least thought about it most of the time.
This is the world we live in. A bright fried world… in which everyone is faking and some are just the pigs they are, feeling good about it. While everyone else dies one way or another.
I have no escape. I can only try to fight the pain with love and music and what I am doing here. I could be all joyful and fully me from one moment to the next, when with someone who I love and who gives me love back.
Like the trees communicate.
But no… we humans are smarter, we only blink twice for “help” and once for “kill me please”…….
And while I see myself a little Fiona, while I would say, that I am probably just a garbage can compared to that, my mother actually did all she could do, like her. Only to get blamed by her husband for whatever he wants to complain about. While she not only once saved his father’s life after he came home drunk and fell down the stairs or wanted to sleep on the street or fell in a bush or whatever. And cleaned his mother, cared for her and also saved her life probably not only once. When she almost died because something got stuck in her throat. And then he claims to had taken care of his mother and that he had done important and hard things, while all he did was sitting around, standing in the way, complaining and driving around. While my mother went to work for him and in general her whol life, since she was a teenager. For her family, for a weird religious sect and all that without anyone really appreaciating it. And now she is just done…
And I am done… and my father acts like a king and everyone just thinks that we should get help… but her own family blaimed her for things to. Out is misunderstandings they projected all the problems they were bottling up onto my mother.
I can’t hear it anymore when my parents argue about pointless things.
I can’t make my father stop being an asshole. I can’t make my mother happy. Because I am done as well…. and my mother even took the keys to my room who I was before, so I couldn’t lock the door and be along. And this room I am in right now, also had a key and even a second key which could open and close (while this second one was originally from another door). But they are also gone. Either my father took them at some point in the past (before the house was given to me) or I don’t know… and the other key is probably still in my child room in his house. Which by the way still looks as if someone is still living there. At least the last time I was there.
And so I have nowhere to look myself in. Everyone can basically just walk in my room, or look through the window from outside….
In my own fucking house…………………….
I know why I wanted to burn it all down before I even moved in against my will.
I know why I wanted to drink that acid and almost did.
And before someone says, let the past be the past.
Good luck. I always do that and tried that. But people never let me be, let me forget the past and almost each day I get more problems from my parents or sometimes even other people.
I HATE IT! I feels like swords in my belly and knifes in my heart.
Feels like acid on my head and sand in my eyes….
But noone comes and saves me. Instead they all just want me to go take pills, go into a clinic or whatever. ME, while I am actually the only sane one in this family…. or at least was. And now of course I have to get “help” because my father makes my life a living help… THIS IS MADNESS. This makes no sense.
Why can he stay at home, tyranize us and play a king, while my mothers works instead of him, even helped him with his parents and his stuff, while we weren’t even living with him anymore. Why is her family against her, telling her to also go into a clinic, while she often helped some of her siblings when they felt alone and needed someone. Only to get blamed for something again and again, while she just did what they wanted her to do.
Why is everyone allowed to do what they want except for people like us?
…. because they need someone to throw their pain at.
And then they expect us to be like them, while we carry this pain and even do things besides that.
BUT I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.
And my mother had to do this almost three times my lifetime.
I will only leave broken hearts and empty eyes.
But then again… it always has been this way, no?
Where is death when you need him?
Oh right… I am not allowed to die, I forgot.
Well… please leave me.
Because since elementary school I tried to make myself feel bad. Imagined horrible things to make myself keep quiet, so I won’t annoy people. I made myself hate myself so everyone else could live their life. And now it is my fault because because… because because…..
Or as they said in old times: “Burn the witch!”
And I would probably not even feel the fire at first, since my feet don’t really feel anything, since I was little. Only sometimes, but usually not.
So when I shower hot, I often have red feet, but I don’t feel anything. At best it is just a little warm, since usually they feel cold.
And I need warm water because otherwise my heart would probably stop beating.
In summer I of course shower cold as well, when it is hot outside. And when I was younger I liked to swim in cold water, even ice water. And I didn’t like warmth all that much. But it depends.
Sometimes when I am full of love, my whole body is warm and I can even walk outside with summer cloths in winter. Only to freeze in summer with warm cloths. My heart really isn’t alright. But a doctor can’t help with that, since it was like this since I was in kindergarten. And back then noone cared and even later the doc didn’t cared. It was all said to be normal. Like always everything which happens to me or around me is normal.
And the best part, they all forget everything they did wrong and we did good. But when it comes to remembering bad things, they can tell you everything from your childhood on… but when we do that, we are evil.