Don’t read this.

When I was in secondary school, we and the teachers sometimes laughed about how incompetent they americans are. And I mean yeah it really isn’t their fault, but back then the teachers and others didn’t know that either. I just know that one of the younger teachers I had, an english teacher, she was once a year in the U.S.. And she was shocked about how weird people were. Well. And now people in Germany are pretty the same.

But I wanted to write about some critical things related to suicide, depression or pessimistic optimism and realization of reality itself.


Don’t continue reading, if you are instable, have a high reaction on painful and emotional content and also critial content which isn’t meant to be read by anyone.

Given that my blog is full of such things, you should really take it serious when I write such a warning.


Okay. So now that everyone has me on the watchlist, we can continue.

I already wrote, that my wish to die, made me actually live longer. And I am not alone with it, sadly. But this is how it is, in a fucked up world which is ruled by hidden and visible madmen or women or machines or whatever.

This is more meant as a motivation to fight for your life and not to support suicide. But it could be confused.

Because, when you are someone who cut yourself, burn yourself, hunger willingly (or just don’t or can’t eat) and so on. Then you know that it usually doesn’t kill you, but is not good.

When I now tell you, that this is evolution, then some people probably jump up and hit me in the face or stomach or whatever.

But what do I mean with this. I mean, that your body forcefully has to find a way to survive the damage you are causing to yourself. Or in case you don’t do that to yourself and others do that to torture you.

So your body learns from that as well, as it – at least usually should – always learn from experience. Which doesn’t mean that you then would not do the same mistake or whatever. It just means that something gets stronger.

When you cut yourself, the body (and all the cells which are part of it), have to find a way to stop the wound from getting bigger. Also stop possible infections, like bacteria etc. from invading the body. It also has to find a way to stop the bleeding, in case you really cut until it bleeds. I personally have not much experience with that, but sadly enough, to talk about it.

So the more you do it, the more the body responds towards it. Which could on one side mean, that you get addicted to it, for example when you started doing it just sometimes, it could become a habit after some time. And on the other side, it would be able to heal or at least stop you from bleeding out.

Of course if you cut deeper each time and more and faster, then the body also is not able to stop it at some point, which then would actually lead to you bleeding to death or getting into coma and so on.

The same goes for things like alcohol, drugs of any kind in general and also starving etc.

An addict usually can consume way more and sometimes even don’t get really intoxicated anymore, while someone who never had done that before, would mostlikely die from the same thing.

This is because the body adjusts itself and learns. So when you often starve, or vomit out what you eat and such things, then the body tries to find ways to get along with less and less. Until you also die at some point because there are just a little skin and bones left.

This is what happened to people in the actual active concentration camps as well, by the way. Since they were forced to work, didn’t get much food or food at all and were living in conditions sometimes even animals wouldn’t have survived. Why? Because some of them had a strong will to survive or at least their body. And so many died a long and painful death until someone gave them a bullet or simply put them into a gas chamber or an oven or alltogether…

And they also made experiments with people, tried substances on them and things you better not think about that much. Like merging several bodies together and look whether it works… or simply psychological manipulation etc.

And I mean, they even produced soup or whatever made out of humans they killed in these camps. Some people probably have a completely different perspective on life and health all of a sudden. Am I right?

So instead of doing less and consuming basically garbage or whatever… you should fight for people like me, like yourself. Because even if we will get killed nonetheless, maybe there could be a point of luck and there might actually could happen a zombie outbreak or a deadly virus…. okay about that. And then most people might die, while you could live.

Because you only die by an infection or basically anything, when you give up or believe what doctors say or whatever. Basically people who have no imagination, no sense of fighting and living.

My uncle had several motor cycle accidents, one time they even wanted to cut off one of his legs. This leg is not really working that good, but he still has it. He also had blood cancer once and the doctors gave him two weeks, only one was on his side. And they said, that when he and his wife give up the fight, then it really is over. And he is still alive, while this cancer thing was around 15-20 years ago (don’t remember exactly when). He later got another kind of cancer in this damaged leg, an exotic form which is not really known. And this man is still walking and living, even bakes things for other people. Not long ago, I think before the exotic cancer, he even started to drive motor cycle again, because he wanted to help some people in the biker scene. He had an accident again and when I remember correct, had an open belly, but managed to somehow get to a nearby house and call for help. I mean this man is a machine.

But most young people these days already cry when they hurt their knee a little or something. And then they get medicine or whatever. I mean… yeah,… thats normal… NORMAL.

I wonder how the people in medieval times did it, when they got a sword stuck in their their arm. They probably called for an ambulance as well and then were flown into a hospital. I am SURE that is what happened. Okay, to be fair, many would obviously died from a sword stuck in the arm, but an arrow would be another thing. And back then people survive such things. When even my uncle survives at least three motor cycle accidents, at least two kind of cancer and whatelse. And still is doing things normal people do.

But yeah… keep believing in science, in medicine in corporations, in future, in progress and that we are going forward and evolve. While it actually is more like devolving, dying and destroying the last bit of nature and hope.

So the next time you harm yourself because you can’t stand this madness, like I can’t, remember, that you are a fighter. And that even if harming yourself is not good, it still could make you stronger after all. Which doesn’t mean you should do it, but that in case you can’t stop doing it and think that you are lost, you might actually be stronger than you think.

I hope it makes somehow sense. And wounds can heal, so in case you think that your cut wounds will stay forever, they can heal, if you want them to. And most importantly, when you would finally be safe and actually feel good because somehow the earth was safed.

But I personally see a zombie outbreak as one of the best outcomes, since it would mean that there would be chaos all over the world and even those who rule the world now, would have no chance to fight back against it. Unless the somehow already have a space station or underground facilities, in which they are totally safe and can just wait, until the problems solve themselves. Oh wait… that is what they always do.

Well, yeah. But at least it could give some people the chance to finally show all their power and actually fight for their lives and forget about suicide.

Because the best medicine against suicide is a good portion of adrenalin, euphoria and to look death in the eye and survive. But of course only, if there would be something good to go back to. Not like now, where almost everything is corrupted, manipulated and broken. While pretending that everything is fine. But hey, “It’s fine” or “I’m fine.” is also a common fraise used by people who are depressed. Since almost everyone says that or something similar, it can’t be that bad. Right? …..

So yeah, I mean I don’t want more people to die, but if those who caused all of this won’t die and stop, then we will be next. And I don’t even know who exactly is to blame, since most people probably actually have no idea what they are doing. Believing that it is right or by the laws correct or whatever.

Like they said back in WWII, that killing millions of innocent people was the right thing to do, since it was the law which supported it….

Yea… like cutting down trees, bombing hospitals, killing and raping women and little children… and so on. It is always God, the law or just human nature. Of course……… There are always excuses.

But who will be blamed? You and me.

We will be blamed. Not the governments, not the corporations or the people in the shadows with their secrets labs and stuff. No. they are doing what is right, at least in their eyes, of course. So you must be the one who is wrong.

So in case you are still feeling the need to die, like I do, at least now you know why and maybe have a hope, that you could someday soon be able to play video games (in case you play or played some) in real life. Since at some point things like Resident Evil or Namalsk etc. are or Half-Life are real in a way. And then you would be the hero or one of the last survivors.

Like I said, this world is an illusion for the most part. Earth is dying and everyone of course has solutions, but none of them will really help. They will only seem as if they do. Because yeah… the original nature is almost wiped out, if not already. Since they got enough time now, during this stupid pandemic.

But I mean, when you shot yourself, you could also survive. There have been people who actually survive that or others who survive getting shot by others. There even was a man who survive the electric chair, I think two times or something. But I think he wasn’t in a good condition afterwards… obviously. Not to forget all the people who survived actually crazy experiments by weird nazi doctors during and after WWII. Yes after, when they continued in the USSR or U.S. (or maybe other countries).

Since most people are naive because being naive actually isn’t bad, but makes you easily manipulateable, they could be everywhere.

But hey… we are living in such a beautiful, colorful world. No worries, no pain, since all of it gets ignored, wiped out by weird medicine, helping bombs and guns. Man what a wonderful world.

But keep one thing in mind, when you jump from a building, make sure it is high enough. Since people even survived that or falling down from an airplane while being several hundred meters in the air. To be fair, there were some trees to land on, but yeah… And some people survived jumping into a river and such things, but some afterwards weren’t able to move or only with an arm or something. So don’t do that.

And no, you shouldn’t do that. I want that you stay with me and that before we die like this (although I deeply wish to, since I can’t stand the madness of the world), we could at least try to fight for good and maybe die trying. Better than dying anyways or just dying, don’t you think?

This is why I am writing here, since otherwise I would have finished what I as a kid. My plan A, my master plan to die as soon as possible no matter what.

I mean, I willingly heard way too loud music because I wanted to make my ears break. I always had a very good hearing and so I wanted to not hear at all. In the end I can still hear pretty good and sometimes I even hear more than I should hear. Like electronic frequencies my speakers send out, while actually turned off. I know that they do that because when I remove the power source, the noise stops.

And hey, when I ate a lot of unhealthy things, I got fat, but somehow still survived. And the “funny” (funny usually means the opposite for me) thing is that after I went to a clinic because of the whole, my mother wanted to help me because of my depression, which was actually the result of seeing clear,… thing. I only got there because of my overweight problem. Oh right, the funny thing was, that half a year later I started to feel pain after eating. At least sometimes. And sometimes it felt as if I was dying as if something inside my belly was broken. It did hurt as if someone stabs you with a knife. And that sometimes for one hour, while I was sitting on a toilet, moving my belly, changing positions and tried everything, until it somehow stopped.

Turned out to be gall stones which were getting more and more and they blocked the tunnel for the gall liquid, which then obviously hurt like hell. But hey, I lived with that for three years and even went to a doctor, but couldn’t speak about it. And so I almost died from it for real once. (The hospital story with Silvester and Christmas. I think it might actually be almost three years ago now and actually was in 2017. I mixed some things. Because I think I wrote Christmas 2018, but I was thinking about the hospital. Since it was all between Christmas and New Year and all that…

My uncle survived a lot and also other people in my family in general. I survived things which a human, according to science isn’t able to survive. So yeah, they either really are that naive / incompenet or really want to make you believe that everything they do and say is right and the only truth there is. Like the religious people do with their stuff. Or these Yoga and esotheric or whatever people. I mean there is so much bullshit out there…

I just know that I can review movies or at least parts of movies in my imagination, as if I was watching it on a screen. I can visualize whole buildings from inside and outside, while they don’t even exist anymore (from childhood memory) and I can calculate complex things without a calculator. Okay not that good anymore, since I didn’t have to and also think it is pretty painful to do that. But I could, if I would want to.

And all these things. But guess what…. I am nothing and useless for people. Because I can’t work for others because it makes me want to die.

And I am useless and crazy because I say that money is garbage. And that the whole world is a nut house and shitshow and whatever.

Good luck out there… I mean, again, I knew that if I would rip out my heart and give a shit about other people. That I could build up big companies or maybe even rule the world myself, in case I would have wanted to and work hand in hand with the evil people who do it. But I knew that it wouldn’t give me love, wouldn’t give me peace and satisfaction. Only despair, hate and the need for more pain, destruction and probably would have made me laugh about people suffering.

But now look at me, I am in love with death, I am trying to help people and give them hope, while on the same time I tell them that everything is lost. Look at me, I am writing things which probably noone can understand anymore and are considered crazy, while the crazy ones are those who tell you that they are. I mean they sure know what they are talking about, since it was them who didn’t decide that a heart was worth more than the money, using people or even ruling the whole world.

But hey… who am I talking to… just another memory hole which will soon be closed. To be either forgotten or stored for eternity, to either be never seen again or reused when necessary.



Maybe I should print all what I have written here, make it a book and hide it somewhere or whatever. The sad part is, that the videos and music won’t be able to be put there. But maybe I could place some QR-Codes there instead. Because I mean, putting the links there is really not helpful and most people don’t even watch the videos or read my posts or listen to the music. So why would they type in a long link, since there are several thousand on this blog….

But yeah, maybe in 10 years people won’t even know anymore what a smartphone is or that QR codes are a thing.

Oh you made it this far. Well obviously you were cheating and just scrolled down to see the end. Well… anyways, the s e c… ret word is: “magnificent”

Since everything in this wonderful world is…. magnificent.


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