In case you think that I just put out random soundtracks of movies, games and so on. You are wrong. I usually watched, played or heard about them. And this is why put them here. To collect it all, share it with the world and make sense of it. Maybe together with you.
I personally have my answers, I had them as I was a child.
But maybe you will find yours this way. Or find them again, like I did, after I forgot all about myself. After all this madness I live in got a hold of me, or how they say.
And sometimes I just like the music, since it reflects my feelings or sometimes eases them.
Sometimes I don’t know whether the actors is playing a role while in real life and being honest while pretending to playing a movie role. Or whether it is how it used to be. Or maybe just always a play, like some want it to be.
But Ad Vitam was the series I was watching last year, when I really started to feel again. It felt as if my heart was bursting on getting a heartattack. But all what happened was, that my heart started to really beat again.
And AD VITAM means something like “towards life” or “to life”.
I wrote about it and other things in the beginning of this year. Or at least could have written. But I wrote about it with my trusted friend. Not long before I tried to strangle myself, cut myself and other things. And even afterwards I tried to kill myself with cleaning liquid. But this series was the first big breakthrough towards feeling again or at all. Because some things I probably haven’t felt at all since my early childhood or even birth.
And I still sometimes not feel everything. But no wonder, but the state of the madness in the world and which surrounds me.
It really was a long process and hard fight to get to myself again, but it is even harder to stay myself, since I wanted to die in the first place because of what I knew and know while being myself.
But I do that… for whatever, for whoever. Maybe for you or someone out there. And especially for some young people I found throughout the year. I don’t want them to die and live through all of what I went through. But I fear that some of them already did or do. And I know that some of them also don’t want to live.
All thanks to these “nice” gentlemen who proclaim to be working for us, while they just want to use us and our planet, our life and nature (or what is left of it) for their profit and benefit. As if it was nothing.
And it was more of the break through which finally “revived” me and my heart, while I also made a lot of progress and work towards it before. So it somehow gave me hope. Because I felt less alone with it and got hope again. But it also made me believe that I would be one of the bad guys in the end. At least after some time. And together with other things it then let to my suicide decision, which I was never able to do before. I mean, I thought about it almost every day, but always knew it wouldn’t happen. But this series together with this actress and her other work and also all the other music, series etc. I watched last year, they were like anti-depressants. And in case you don’t know.
They activate feelings again, I mean that is what they should do, but the bad part about it is, that you then are able to follow the feeling. And in case you have no one to hold you, give you hope and especially see why you wanted to die in the first place, well then you do it. And that is what almost happened to me. Even a man in my village died this way because he took actual anti-depressants and noone really was there for him and then he killed himself. And others also killed themselves in my village or accidents happen. You know, that in my village are so many people dead because of such things, that it really isn’t okay. Like nothing in general.
And since last year almost everything now is either an anti-depressant for me or just makes me disstract myself or calm down. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore. Because given my feelings, my knowledge, intelligence, imagination and loneliness factor, I shouldn’t even exist. But hey… I am still breathing, while having pain in my belly, frozen feet sometimes and sometimes cold hands. A hurting head sometimes and dry eyes, while my heart hurts like hell sometimes and beats or gets cold like ice.
The part where the super heros come in and safe the day can be cancelled I guess…. Since I am or was or should be one of them. And so I do what my condition allows me to do.
This… this blog, my music and me collecting memories, old games, stories, videos, explaining things or trying to figure things out. And no, I am not always right and also would wish to be totally wrong. But you know how it is… or you started to understand. Either way. We are still here, so let’s make the best out of it. Or try dying or die trying or just do something.
And not do what everyone else does.
And I have heard that it is common that intelligent people have a heard time to love or find love. Well, I was born with it, but tried to kill it, so that I could kill myself because I knew that it wouldn’t let me, if I would continue to hold onto it. And guess what, it almost worked, as you have read by now. But love didn’t want to let go of me. Since I had such a big heart from the start on. And now after all, I have even a bigger heart, but a very instable one. Because I can love everyone who can’t love themselves, as long as they let me love them or find common ground.
I don’t know what exactly I am, but I know that I am a walking paradox, a walking glitch in the Matrix and therefor natural, but by science or religion, a thing which can’t be. So welcome in the club of ghosts, non-existing beings and basically real life.
And I can hate, have hate inside me. I can punch someone to death. But love is holding me back because I know that this hate will only kill me and kill you and everyone else. Like it used to do. So I hold it all against me, but I can’t win this way, so I write with all my love and hate combined.
And when it should hit you… then I am sorry. But I can’t stop now. Because this is my last chance to fight back. Otherwise I shouldn’t have even started. And just know, that (in case you aren’t a machine mind) you aren’t my enemy. So I don’t want to hurt you although I know, that I probably do all the time. Or maybe not, like I also don’t get hurt by people who are hurt themselves. Because I know that too well.
And a lion I am, but a lion with an arrow in the chest.
How am I supposed to fight like this. And especially when I don’t know where to start? Or so I thought.
But I am here and we will see. And remember, I know how to throw an axe, although I might not want to use it.
I know how to break some bones, some musles, but I don’t want to do that.
And don’t forget, I know that I can do more than a human should be able to, according to some people. But what do they know… all they know is that they want to rule, want to kill us or manipulate us.
So how should they know, whether it is possible for me to raise up a storm, to lead an army of crows, an army of boar or people. How should they know? All they know is fear, hate, anger and destruction. And they use it to manipulate us, to make us weak and think like they want us to be. Machines, drones, slaves. Without our knowledge. Or so they thought.
But they don’t know what nature is capable of.
But I am weak, I am alone for the most part. But you know the old saying: “Beware of an animal which is in a trap.” (or something like that)
Because the more you hurt it, the more you scare it, the stronger it fights back. The more aggressive it gets. And like my cat, I can bite you, but when it isn’t necessary, why should I? Not like those who rule, who don’t care whether they should or not. They just do because they can, because it always seemed to work and because it is getting so easy lately.
I really slept too long and I am really not feeling all that tough and strong. As I said, I feel more like dying as if my body is burning inside. Maybe it actually is burning again, like two years ago, inflamed, quite literally.
But I hope, that I am not the only lion in the house. And even if I should be, that there are other wild animals fighting by my side.
And since the words “Amen” mean “so it be” (at least as far as I know). It will be. And I know that there are people out there, some of which are like me burning. Holding themselves back. I know.
But the problem is, should I really be the one to give a signal, then we have a problem here. But since I know where we can meet and that I am the weakspot, it will all work out. And even if not. Then we at least won’t die without a good fight.
By the way, when I woke up after being in hospital, I actually saw a loading screen through my inner eye. As if I was rebooting. No shit. And then I laughed, while other people were crying or whatever in the wake up room. Even the nurses were confused, since I didn’t go into surgery with a sleepy pill, fell asleep with narcotics before anyone started to count and then also laughed while I should have felt pain. But again, it was the loading screen and I still don’t know whether it was just what I imagined, since it made sense at that point or whether they might have actually been one. You never know these days… RIGHT?
And this was the movie I watched after I wanted to kill myself.
It blew my mind because it actually reflected the fight inside me during the day long fight.
And after I went to bed that day, I could sleep well and went to work with a smile. Knowing, that I made the right choice, by not ending my life that day.
But at work I was as if nothing happened, just happier. The whole week actually. But I also felt pain the whole week. Partially from the bit of cleaning liquid which reached my blood cycle, partially because of work. And I could taste this cleaning liquid probably two weeks afterwards, as if it was still in my mouth. Probably because it was still in my mouth and also because it did kill some of the cells. And on the companies christmas party I even hugged my collegues, what I never did before. And really got out of my skin. Even had a good time with them. But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue like this.
By the way I wanted to kill myself on the 8th December 2019, the Christmas party was at the 16th, I think and the after my holidays started. Because I had taken long ones. Knowing that I might not return. Since I wanted to have some last calming days without stress until I would finally leave forever. At least that was the plan before I tried it even before. And before I realized that I was dead already and would die no matter what.
But hey, at least I then had a wonderful christmas with my trusted cousin and two of his siblings of which I all love to the core. These few days were so rich on love for me, that I can’t describe it.
And so when this time was over and I knew that work would start again, I tried to, went there again for one week, I think, but then I had to quit. After working there and going to the pointless professional school for 2,5 years. I just give a shit about the certificate I could have got. Because I knew that I would never ever do this job again, no job, nothing related to paid work or things related to what I did before. Not like this.
So I first just layed down in my bed for some weeks. I really just was only in my bed or for some time on my notebook or computer. I listened to music and thought, that I actually should have killed myself.
While my parents then tried to get me to go to a doctor again. They tried to make me do the exam and think about it again. About continuing to work. Because I said that I would, to make them happy. But I knew that none of it would help and only make everything worse. Would make me want to kill myself even more. And so I started to do dangerous things, like walking through the night alone. And such things. And guess what, it actually helped.
I felt so much more alive out there alone in the woods at night and even found some animals there who were more scared of me, than I of them. Since I didn’t care about death. Because guess what, I wanted to die anyways. I mean I even layed down there during cold winter time, with just a normal jacket. Right there on the cold floor, while it was snowing. Watching the night sky, listening to some weird noises (probably foxes) and owls and alike.
I started to cry in that forest and feel alive again. And I started to fight and train myself in that forest. Even walked there during night with shut eyes, shut ears, only my feet an basic sense to guide me. And yep, I once or twice almost fell down. And I realize how numb my feet are because I almost felt nothing on the floor. But it changed over time. Sometimes it got better, sometimes it was worse. But I felt more comfortable in the night and the dark forest, even called “Black Forest” because it is so dark, than with houses, lights and in general people. But I never felt comfortable with people, except some I loved and who were a little like-minded, of course.
I also paid more attention to people online and didn’t just ignore everything. Sometimes I either went too far or not far enough and once or twice I came too late. Or at least it could have been, since someone wanted to kill themselves and afterwards there wasn’t a response anymore.
I actually see that it is normal for young people these days to feel numb, pain and to write or talk about things like dying and all. And that other people call them faker and attention seaker. And it scares me because it shows that most people have no heart and so it is no wonder, when they later say: “I don’t know why they killed themselves. That is stupid. Why do people do that.”
Yeah… because of you, because you have no heart or ignore it.
At least that is what I always want to say to such people, but I can’t and when I would do, then I am the crazy one. Obviously.
Since calling someone crazy is another way to say: “Go die already, we just want to have some fun and you are making it hard to have fun.”
And although it doesn’t seem like it. This movie actually has a good ending. At least when you realize that good endings in reality would look something like this. Although it was pretty brutal. But hey… isn’t that normal….
And again, this movie felt like an approval towards me, that I actually made the right choice. I don’t know what you think. But really, I watched that after coming home from my suicide fight. And it made me want to live again. I hope the people who made this movie are okay and actually the same goes for almost everything and everyone who gave me some support, who helped me with their movies, songs, games and stories and basically their existence.
All of you are priceless beings. Meant to live free, joyful and have adventures together. Live in peace and harmony. But sadly our lives were made to work in the opposite direction. Not because we wanted that, but because someone benefits from it. And this someone, these someones, they have to pay.
And you know the price for altering God’s word.
You know what happens when you go against God’s people.
You know that. And since love is God, and nature is God.
Then you know what we are talking about here.
…a dying one… but it makes me stronger.
Although I sometimes feel like shit.
And always want to end it all.
The gender is irrelevant, what matters is the heart.