Not dead yet?

The reason for this might be, that it is either easier to ignore me and wait until I put enough useful information out there for them (secret agencies, governments, corporations, etc.) to harvest.

Or I targeted enough conflicting parties, so they have no clue who should do the job. But I am going for the first one, that they wait until I gave them all they needed to create some new propaganda.

And do you know that at the moment the only way to get at least a little something out of the news, is to watch the news from different countries?

Because while they would of course not target themselves or their current allies, they would tell things about the other parties. So you can for example get some information from the Indians about Russia, China and maybe the EU. And from Russia you get something about the U.S. From China maybe about India etc.

The problem is, that when at some point all regions fully emerge into one big super state or they finally reveal their true faces.

Then you wouldn’t have the possibility to do this anymore, since then everything would be coordinated by one big pile of shit.

This is why a world government will mean end to humanity and the environment, since then all control would be in the hands of a few. I mean technically it is already and always has been. At least for the most part, when at some point it started to happen.

So really guys, if you don’t do anything to save the earth, then noone will because they are all pretending, playing games and waiting for the next generation to clean up or don’t give a damn.

And I mean even Greta Thunberg said something like: “I don’t want to believe that you are all evil, so do something.”

But hey, she was naive, if she really was speaking for herself.

Because these days even climate activists could be coordinated by coporations to support their new (scam) environment friendly tech.

Don’t get this wrong, there is environment friendly technology available and possible. There are a few people who really care, but since the majority still follows the system(s) there is not much hope. Because the children look to their parents and governments and ask them for help. The older people rely fully on money (for the most part) and therefor the system and so yeah… good luck convincing people that money is not necessary to help the earth. Since everyone believes the following about money:

(meaning that money or something like it always existed)

As if previously there wasn’t a paradise on earth where you could have just gotten fruits from actual trees and such things….

So the more we try to work within the system, the more time they have to make everyone believe that they are working in our favor.

When I was little I knew that ads were basically fake and just there to make you buy something. But I realized that a lot of people don’t even got that anymore back then. In Germany the young people still got that partially, when I grew up. But in the U.S. it was worse.

And again, this is nothing against indiviual people and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or stupid. I try to explain how it is possible that noone does a thing, but people are talking for decades if not centuries.

You should also know, that I have a sense for naive people or not knowing ones. Whenever I have seen americans, then I have seen naive people, while in the movies the actors played roles in which the often should seem tough. Until I realized that they had no idea what they were playing or doing there and someone told them how to behave and look.

Back then I still saw that some germans were getting behind it and actually had a will to survive. But these days I also see the naivity rising and almost noone who really understands anything for real, while in the movies it still gets presented as if people are strong and know something.

So I can tell by looking someone in the eyes and the overall appearance whether they understand something or not. In other words, whether they are intelligent or not (anymore). Since it is a dynamic thing.

Most people I know aren’t intelligent (anymore) and I personally wasn’t for some years as well. I even turned out to help corporations to develop worker control further, even for a german company owned my chinese bosses. For those who don’t know, a lot of german companies, if not all, are owned by foreigners. A lot went into chinese hands, others into U.S. and some even to Saudia Arabia I think. At least when it comes to investors.

In the companies are still mostly germans working, but the companies are controlled from outside. So in case you thought that technology from Germany still is quality, ask China. 😀 …

And I mean I even developed on techology which monitors produced device by human and such things for a german company own by chinese.

I also almost helped with a project for a company producing military parts for tanks etc.

So much for the not doing much more harm by doing what my parents and everyone else around me expected of me…. But to my defense I wasn’t myself, I simply gave up on myself and just waited for the next train to hit me. Like literally everyday when I went to work or school by train.

One time I even almost automatically walked towards the tracks, but the held myself back because I didn’t want to ruin everyones day and most of all not leave a mess and traumatized people, like myself. So I didn’t do that.

But last December I wanted to finally end my life.

And now I am probably helping the “enemy” again, since I am writing all of this down. But again, I died nonetheless last year. Because I decided to go this road. And from last year to this year I discovered more and more and remembered more and more what I “forgot”.

So my blog starts with me fighting with deep confusion and depression and me who found feelings again. Only to end up where I started in the first place, with the realization that it is already too late, like Orwell wrote.

I wouldn’t wonder if he might have written this book as some kind of apology or warning, since he was also in the military before and it was released soon after WWII.

I have even seen how people took the three counries serious and probably tried to show that this isn’t what happened. But they don’t think far enough, that it would of course have been obvious if he would have written it in detail. So 1984 is real for me, although the year really has nothing much to say. At least not for me personally, since it is a more or less timeless book.

I mean if he would have written 1948, then everyone would have thought, wait, that is the year in which he had written it.

And I personally wouldn’t wonder if Orwell might have actually helped to develop some of these plans and because of that wrote his book(s).

I don’t know, this is speculation, but science these days is also speculation or speculation is science. So I guess I am good, thanks.

And again, I am for science, but most of it is scam because it always has to be dependent work. Group work, controlled work and usually someone who tells you the rules. But how this someone knows about the rules, no one asks. Or they all believe that the people wanted that. And the best thing is, that it is true. Because the people get convinced first and then they will support it. So that later the leading party can say: “Hey, you wanted that and we just helped you make it possible.” Between the teeth: We can’t do much about your own stupidity. thi hi. Did we say something?

I mean a teacher I had in technical highschool who also has a doctor in maths and was teaching IT, told us that he had worked on software to scan streets for cars etc. by color, number plate and such things.

Guess what governments now use for some years? Exactly… and I think China started first with that, but I guess it is everywhere already.

So the IT guys are so “smart” that they help killing us all.

Because they think it is fun (which it actually is and should be) to play around with computers, AI and develop new programs. And it should be. But they don’t realize that these technologies will later get stolen or simply bought or used without knowledge and then used for other things.

I mean even Edward Snowden got told that he should develop a software to defend and secure data in a fast way, when he was still working for the secret agencies. Only to later find out that his software was a little altered and later used to control killer drones and people had fun killing people. And he made it possible.

I have found some people who developed AI to generate music, voices, images, videos etc. and they all had fun and back then, after I gave up, I also had fun (since I denied my own existence). But now I know that all of this software will and probably already is used against us.

So this is why it is good to give people the illusion of free will, because then they will help you (corporations, governments, secret world leaders) out of their own will. Because they already convinced the people that they are on their side. As if that had been the case since ever….

And currently there is a lot of hate placed against nazis, against islam and some other things. But do you know why? Because it will later help to create new laws because when the people are angry enough, they want to see solutions. And well, then the governments and corporations will greet them with open hands. Since it has been their plan all along.

If you still don’t understand why I don’t want to live on this planet, but still stay since there is nowhere I can go to, then I hope you will understand. But hopefully not alone. I hope you have someone else you can trust.

The problem is, that the children have to save the planet. And so those who demonstrated or what they did, they have to do the work by themselves, while not going nuts and getting manipulated. Good luck with that… since it already happened.

This is why demonstrations don’t help with anything because at the end you will be the only one who really does something. But everyone else will of course feel good and think they did something by demonstration, voting or whatever is “in” / “trending”. And then some “geniuses” come along the way or corporations make some ads, buy some people to promote them and done. Then most people think: “Look, they are doing something, our efforts weren’t for nothing.”

But in reality they had planned it before and made you help them, while you think, that they helped you. Or whatever you people believe.

And again, it isn’t your or the peoples fault. Since manipulation shouldn’t be a thing. But sadly it is and always has been, since something or someone started to use it for their advantage.

And hey, in case you have read in the bible now, not because of religion (religions are dead), then you might have stumbled over some weird sentences in the Revelation.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.

Revelation 21,1 BSB

And if you realize, that it could mean, that there is just sand or land, then hey, we are doing a good job on this one alone.

Since he could be speaking about this earth actually and that it will be terraformed, after we had done our purpose. Or whatever.

I read things in the bible mainly to understand how it is possible that some things developed over time, while people don’t question them. And sometimes you find things like this and just think: FUUU

Because I am a sci-fi fan since early childhood. Since religion never gave me what I wanted.

And when you find YouTube Channels like DUST

Then you really understand why so many people are depressed, while the rest is blind or pretends to not see or are too busy to realize a thing.

Because when you understand that earth could indeed turn out to become something similar like Mars, the moon, Merkur or other dead (or almost dead) planets. Then yeah… the sea was no more for real.

(this video basically describes my early childhood)

Because if we continue like this, then our planet will soon look like this as well. Or if not, then is just a big farm for some people.

Oh wait, it is already…

By watching videos on DUST you maybe educate yourself a little bit on what is actually possible and could be a sad but pretty soon future. Like Black Mirror is also more or less something which is showing what is already present, but not available for the public or is not fully developed yet.

And things like Neuralink are just another step to control people, if not the final one. Because even if Elon Musk doesn’t or didn’t intend to use it for this way, who said that noone could hack these devices or later just buy them or whatever. Because everything is hackable and therefor manipulatable. Especially your brain and body. Since it is also mainly a biological machine. But has the ability to evolve, adjust and all that. But most people already have no idea about it, since they always do what others tell or told them. For example like wearing jackets in winter, drinking health juices or whatever. But how should you then develop an immune system? Good question…. you don’t.

And therefor a lot of people die these days or actually need medicine because they always took some or never really developed a natural defense for themselves.

“First create a problem, then serve a solution” or however this sentence goes.

I really hope you have someone to talk to, who you really trust and who also gives you back thes same trust. I have only one of my cousins who I trust in this way. And some of you could be as well, but I don’t know you well enough to say that.

I also don’t give much about anything because since my childhood I knew that at everything is already lost. The only hope I got left was, that I could die trying to tell about it and maybe wake some people up. But I actually have not much hope about this. It is just that nothing really matters to me since I am little. As long as at some point I am either dead and stay dead or this madness is finally over in a good way.

So yes, the last hope is in those who question everything, like literally EVERYTHING for themselves. Because as long as you stick to something other people told you, you will never know the truth. Which also goes for books etc. You should investigate everything, but on your own or maybe with friends (or family) you really trust. But this is hard these days because of all the wanted illusion, confusion etc.

When even the history teacher told me, that the nazis won’t be able to take over like in the past, but I think, they already did, but don’t say a word.

I hope you understand why it is not possible to help me in anyway, since my suicidal thoughts are based on reality, on how things are and what people do and not realize. So if someone wants to help me, then please get rid of this fake illusional world and finally let nature take over again, if that actually still is possible. Since everything is in the hands of a few.

So yes, I knew that if the children and youth doesn’t change something, that we will be doomed. And they are (obviously) searching help by the adults and governments. But they won’t be able to help since they are already trapped in their way of thinking. So instead of more technology we should be happy about what we have now. We should finally get rid of the corporations and plants forests and other plants everywhere. A few people do. But do you know what politicians do when they have no solutions, but pretend to do something? They for example take some pieces of land and try to declare them as “national park” or whatever. And then that is done… But that elsewhere whole rainforests get burned down or cut down is then not important anymore, since that is in another country.

It is ALL scam, at least for the most part. And the naive people who got taught that democracy is good and doing everything for and through the peoples… well good luck with that. Democracy (greek / roman?) failed 2000 years ago (in case that actually is the truth, like national socialism (roman). Or did it? Who knows… who knows… maybe for some it didn’t like always. like the kings said their working in gods name or whatever.

If at least one of the books in the bible is just inspired by free thought, then what in there would be God, would just be love or the natural way of things.

So when it says that a king is given by God, this would mean, given by love. And like in nature animals live in swarms, herds, etc., some humans could do as well. At least in a similar way. But then without force, since the king or queen would actually be serving the people and not the other way around. (Investigate F. Nietzsche)

And about swarms and humans. If you ever have been in a religious sect / cult, you know what I am talking about. Because my mother was. And while she started to see things, got depressed and all, the leader was somehow controlling everything and everyone (even had microphones hidden in rooms and such things). But noone questioned it or went against him. They obeyed and even hurt, punished and drilled their own children until their will was broken or at least very damaged. All in the name of God, … of course. Religions….

And this is why science is for me just another religion these days or maybe always because there again are some people who decide about many and somehow tell that they know everything or people even except them to.

A true scientist just wants to explore, try to find answers and maybe proof and invent this or that. So basically I am a scientist and maybe you. But no, you of course need a certificate because otherwise you are just an idiot telling lies. As if scientists couldn’t do that, either because someone puts a gun on their head or they actually believe in what they are told and doing.

The honest scientists should have realized by now, that we are actually F***ed. But hey… that is consuming necessary oxygen, am I right?! XDDD


I personally really have no hope when it comes to people in important positions because they are either evil, too naive or simply incompetent.

So all bad overall. Because you can only start thinking freely when you eradicate the necessity of money or any kind of currency (like gold, diamonds etc.) out of your mind. But yeah… good luck with that.

I hope only for the young generations and some people my age (22-28), while I am 22. Those who still think there is much of a chance for actual freedom, a green planet and all that, please start to think and if you want, ask me whatever you want. But do your thinking because most of things I write here were only possible because I at least tried to think for myself.

And if only I could come up with these things… then we are screwed since I am a 22 year old guy who wants to die since elementary school because he knew that the whole planet was manipulated, stupid and therefor lost.

And if we would live in a free world then this would not be the case.

The trees have eyes, but the devices have more.

I know that I am repeating myself… but isn’t everyone?

I mean my parents talk about the same things for 20 decades and still make a drama out of it as if it is the first time. Probably to them it feels this way. Like everyone else also forgets most of what they were thinking after a few seconds or hours.

When I was younger and now again, knew, that if I would want to do some things, I had to keep them in mind all the time, like the computer saves things in the RAM (Random Access Memory) to always get while running. So it doesn’t have to read it all again and again from the disks.

And so I usually had ideas and projects in my head for weeks, visual. So I sometimes programmed in my thoughts / imagination while driving to school or work for example. And I am a guy who read some university papers about assembly and C/C++ code and optimization for fun on the way home from school or work. FOR FUN! And I actually learned things, since it was interesting. But now all I want is finally die, after I had come this far, only to realize that everything this is pretty similar to how it used to be when I “fell asleep” the first time. Or in other words, activated the autopilot.

If there would be a group of people actually interested in how computers work, how things in general work or at least want to find out together with me, then I would be ready at any time.

But only private people for the most part, since I don’t trust official things for reasons…

But even an older cousin of mine wanted to do great things and help, he first tried to become a scientist I think, but got rejected because of not enough points. Then he studied as teacher, only to realize as well, that young people either don’t want to learn or don’t understand things (for the most part). To then break up this study and go into historic and tried to study as historian, only to fail the exam as well. And guess what, now he is driving packages to people’s home for a transport company.

I saw that coming before I even was in secondary school. So I thought, no need to try. But he still did and out of a genius became a broken soul who serves like the others. At least what I last heard. He actually gave me his old computer with The Settler II game and also is similar to myself. But we have almost no contact, since he is around 10 years older than me. He still plays computer games like I myself and is a good guy and now even is father and has a lovely wife. They two were first good friends for some time, studied together and then at some point married, since they had noone else.

She is a very happy and encouraging woman and even climbed on one of my trees when they once helped painting the walls in my house. After I moved in with my mother.

But well, I didn’t even tried to study since I knew it was pointless because it would only make me more depressed. And like this one 8 year old boy said in a TED(x) talk, that maybe some people should go to school but many actually would be better of learning on their own. Or at least in a similar meaning. He also got depressed in school by the way.

But sadly 16 years too late for me.

I knew that there was no hope for me, so yea… why am I here.

I guess to wait until someone finally fullfills my deepest with, to stop existing. Or maybe someone finally activates their mind and understands that old people can’t solve things, since they are almost dead. Which is not a fact and not meant for everyone. But the U.S. election just represents this again. And no… again, if a young president would then take the place, this also wouldn’t solve anything. The whole concept of politics, states, military, governments, etc. is a flaw. But I know that no one will understand this, no matter how much I scream with the words I put out there.

Do you know why I didn’t kill myself up until now? Because I feared to be reborn into this world and then would have to do it all again to come to the same or an even worse result, since I would then be still a baby. At least in case such a thing as rebirth is actually possible. So I decided to slowly waste away and hope until everything is dust or green or I am gone….

If I would have know for sure, that after death there is nothing, which I still don’t know. Then I would have probably killed myself with 8 or 9. And I think I still wanted to, but couldn’t do it because I knew it would be painful. And back then I didn’t come up with a peaceful solution, like freezing to death. At least for me personally this turned out to be a peaceful solution or simply stop the heartbeat. Because I actually can do that. Or at least slowdown my heartbeat to a level in which I am almost not active anymore. No body movement, slow heartbeat, like a frog in winter. And I tried to die this way, but first slow down my heart and then try to stand up fast… hoping for a heart attack or something. And sometimes this actually almost happened. Sometimes even unwanted, when I just relaxed naturally and then had to stand up for other reasons.

So yeah…. please don’t try to help me, try to get rid of all this madness in the world. All these greedy, machine people who try to destroy us all.

You can only save me, if you fight against them. I can’t do all that much anymore, at least not alone. Because I alone am too weak and it really takes a lot of energy to survive each day, listening to my father and his same old problems as well as my mother and all these other “busy” people. Or whatever they call a life.

The only reason why I want to die, is because (almost) everyone else is either mad, crazy or secretly depressed or just evil or careless. And it HURTS! It literally hurts in the heart, but most people don’t feel anything at all anymore or only little… so about that. If there would be a single soul who would want to work with me, then I would do anything. But not when only I would have to do all the work… since that is how things usually have been in my life, whenever I tried to do something. Or I already was too down and deadinside, when someone was finally available.

But maybe there is hope after all…

But people don’t even get that these things are political or at least could and in my eyes should be seen this way. Even people I considered intelligent….

(not just these scenes, but the whole series Kingdom for example.)

Even a child psychiatrist said in a TED talk that horror movies and such things are also good for asking or presenting problems with society and the world in general. So if even a child psychiatrist says that… but hey I just knew since I was little. And really, I don’t have much hope.

My hope lies in you reader and in some other young people, who also are depressed or at least hopeless. Who feel numb, alone, don’t trust their parents, like I can’t trust mine or my relatives (for the most part).

So yeah… hello darkness my old friend…

People try to solve depression with medication, therapy and more pressure. When the whole thing just exists because some few or many benefit from forced labour sold as freedom. Even the words sold and freedom together are an insult towards nature and freedom itself.

But America did a good job selling freedom as a dream with money, lots of things and all this nonsense. AND the others did the same.


Get rid of money and alike and most problems would solve themselves. At least when you then can “uneducate” the people afterwards and let them finally be themselves. But I guess it is too late for that, is it?

Can you think without the need of money or gold etc.?

I can, but I have never met someone like me. Only some rich knew that as well, but they profited from it, since they did what people do when I find out that most people aren’t intelligent (anymore).

Movies, tv shows, theatre, comics, video games, books etc. should all educate and often even show critique or at least it seems like it for me. But people don’t get it anymore and those who do, like me, know that those who could actually do something, either don’t want to or simply don’t understand it.

Like in Kingdom (this korean netflix series, the two video clips), first a “zombie” plague had to kill a lot of people and with it the former rulers, so that the remaining survivers who really just wanted to live free, could make something new. Or at least that was the plan.

Good luck out there…

I really wish I would be pretending here.

Trust me on that. But I am so sick of pretending to be alright, when I see how the world works since I am little. And with me countless other children and people in general. And it goes on and on… and all they do is trying to make depressed people forget about their thoughts, feelings and why they are depressed.

As I said, teenage or child depression is considered as normal….

I wonder how many trees and foxes would have a word on that.

But yeah… it is normal that children want to die because they feel the pain and nonsense of the world.

Happy …. hoppy…. dead.

Stay safe! And please don’t die.

I try my best to stay, as well….

Depression and mental health issues are the result of world problems and not the other way around. So stop treating us like kettle and machines.

But it is pointless, I know…

Because no one can imagine that their own body could regenerate cells and maybe even live forever or at least a very, very long time.

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