When you just want to live your life, but everyone else also wants to live their lives and yours is in the way.

Basically me almost all the time.

The typical human wants to live long, wants to have a lot of things or at least do a lot of things. So they will die because they want to do as much as they can before they die.

Since I always want to die, but can’t somehow, I understood, that as soon as you don’t care about life, death is also pointless.

Because whenever I cared for myself, other people and their life was obviously more important. Since they always have all the answers and know how to live. Because everyone knows, that everyone knows everything… yea about that.

So my mother for example also found out, that when her siblings wanted to play games with her and she wanted to win, she lost. But whenever she just played because they wanted her to play, but she actually didn’t care, she sometimes even won. While not really paying attention or caring about the game.

And for me it was more like: I don’t care whether I die, since I die anyway. (Or at least that is what everyone thinks, wants and gets told.)

And hurray… I thought that I could die earlier this way, but nope, I lived longer. Painfully exhausted, done, frustrated etc. because other people almost force me to care for my life, since they want me to die.

This is actually paradox, because I want to die, so why don’t I just do what they want?

Well, because then I would most likely die by suicide, if not just anyway, since everyone “just wants to help me”, while forcing me to do, believe or think their way.

And now you might think: But wait, then you would also get what you want.

And ding, ding, you would be right. But guess what, then they would think it was my own will, thought and therefor they couldn’t have done anything about it. And since even the doctors these days say such things, it must be okay and therefor normal. Since normal is what the current norm says. (All are equal… or whatever, and those who can’t be, it is their fault)

Not to forget, that as a very little kid I thought that I could explore the world, learn new things, help to do new things and whatever and thought that we could live a long and interesting life. But nope, that is just natural and nature, but since we are in a computer / robot / labour camp society and almost the whole world supports it, this (nature) is wrong.

And so I thought, well, then I must just wish to die soon and I wouldn’t have to wait decades of more and more pain and dying brain cells. But also wrong, because that is egoistic and not normal. Because everyone wants to suffer and that is normal. Wait what?

But no no, the best part is, that people don’t even care or notice it, since it is said to be normal. Perfect!

And everyone who isn’t like that is a weirdo.

I mean, it is even said that no one is perfect and everyone is broken and that this is normal. Eh okay… so the next time I see a bird or tree (in case these things still exist, which they do where I live), I will tell them this as well. Since nature creates broken things and humans just want to help by killing them. Wait what?

And the best part is, the more I wanted to die, the longer I lived. But when I wanted to live, I died. Cool…

So basically whatever I do, it is wrong. And I mean I know what should be normal and natural, but these days no one really knows what this so called “nature” actually is. Because some people told them what natural is.

For example that it is natural for humans and animals to harm each other and such things.

But what if someone or something made them do that?

Noone asks these questions or at least noone who is in important positions or gets heard by people.

But hey, I am just a human and humans are animals which like to have the same things over and over again.

Me: looking through my browser and youtube history

About being human and same things…

So I am an alien after all. Oh wait, they don’t exist… I forgot.

And the doctor always knows the answer or the president or the scientist or the engineer. Because they know everything and you know nothing. Well, at least they technically know more, but then only know that and can’t think much further. But hey, that is normal, since we are all robots with computers in our heads. So we can’t even think different even if we would want to. Oh wait… I must have a bug. Since in nature a tree which has one more branch than another must also be broken.

And this whole “we have to save the planet” people. They either do this because they think that this is what is necessary or someone told them.

The reality is, that corporations give a dam about the environment, while of course fullfilling the laws or just hiding things away. Since the law is usually on their side anyways. But behold if a normal citizen like me or maybe you do something which is against the law. Oh boy. But when a corporation did something, they pay a little money and continue or tell the law makers that they can’t work under these conditions, so the laws get adjusted. Perfect.

So whoever thinks that laws will save the planet, I am sorry, but you will be the only one who will believe in that. And the politicians… yeah… take some apes, tell them they are important and get bananas and done.

And climate change… if you want to really save the earth with all its life, you should just stop being a machine. But since people are working and thinking like biological machines / drones / NPCs, they even think what they do is right. Because they get supported in their believes, after they got told what to think.

I mean did you know that after WWII the allies handed out checklists or something to see who is a nazi and who is not? And believe me or not, they even got a question like: “Are you a nazi? (Yes / No)” And guess what, obviously almost noone was a nazi. Who saw that coming.

And since they all needed work force, they called it a day and so the war crimes were ignored. Many people even stayed in their positions.

So much for justice. But then calling a single human who really wants justice a criminal. Because such a thing is then vigilantism. And of course it is, but the rest is as well. It is all vigilantism (at least for the most part) and everyone is like: Yeah, that is normal. Life is good.

This is how injustice looks like:

But is called justice, worldwide.

Because in this movie there is the story of a woman who couldn’t read. And who was actually pretty kind and not like the others. After the war she got sentenced for war crimes because all others who could read, went obviously against her and could convince the judge that she was the evil one.

Justice my friends is just another illusion. And I bet the judge was also a nazi and if not, then very naive.

And hey, in case you didn’t know, one of the heroes during WWII, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, he died just a couple of weeks before the war ended. He got executed.

And do you know what the law people said, when some people asked to remove his (and probably other) state as a criminal and make him the hero he was? They said, that it was lawful what happened to him by the given time. Wow… and they were right. But then I could also say that raping women is legal in my country and that it is the woman’s fault. Oh wait…

I mean justice is just something you make people believe, so they follow your rules. Since these rules are said to bring justice, when all they do is to control you. Or at least make you do what others want in a very smart way.

So when I have a deathwish, I know that I have no escape. Because whatever I do will be wrong. Whatever, no matter what. Because having a deathwish, is not normal. But everyone else ignores theirs or can’t even think far enough to get one.

Thanks for reading and please don’t die out there.

But what am I asking for…

Today I was about to … myself again.

But isn’t this life beautiful. Hey look, people are falling from the heavens. It must be suicide monday…

But really, I don’t want you to die.

You are probably some of the last people who think a little.

But what am I asking for… I know that I am alone with this.

At least with most of what I know and found out.

And next year someone will probably make a great story out of my life or whatever and sells it to get some of this money.

When I sit here and write some things it is called laziness. It is called being crazy, sick and wasting time.

When a famous author publishes a book, it is called art, it is called innovation and inspiration.

When I try to explain that basically everything is broken, fake and somehow manipulated. And that basically everything is possible, then I am just sick, a psycho or whatever.

When Stephen Hawking says something about a theory, that there maybe something like this weird “everything” could exist, everyone is like: WOW! That is interesting.

But hey, I mean, maybe Hawking wasn’t even talking himself, since he couldn’t even move in the end. So basically anyone could have controlled him / his device and told the world whatever they wanted. But hey… I am just a human who will be ignored until he finally is dead.

So what am I to say something…. right?

I mean did anyone question it, that it is possible to manipulate people with Hawking? No? And just when it was about time, he somehow died and left this master piece of work behind. Even if it really was all just him, then why does it need one person to come up with that?

Oh wait…. I forgot…. because almost no one can think for themselves.

Did you know that one of my history teachers was in the GBR / DDR when they were younger? So she knew about the ways of mass control. And they got controlled most of the time, whenever possible. Back then it was still harder, because the government often had to place little microphones and cameras in apartments. These days the corporations do that with their computers, smart home, smart phone, cars, trains, planes etc. And some people even have security cameras in their house. I mean, the people set up technology in their own home because they think it will protect them, while it could, but actually could be used against them as well.

I mean, if I would be evil and really would have wanted to get on information. Then I could have hacked you the second you entered this website. All automatically. And people can do the same with basically any device. Since it is just a device which executes code. Sometimes even more than intended because of the underlying systems.

When I would see an ape the next time (playing a typical human):

Me: Hey ape dude, I got something for you. It will protect you from dangerous people and harm.

Ape dude: Oh thanks, how nice of you.

What I didn’t tell him, that this thing actually tracks him, so that I can rob him whenever I want to. And later tell him, that the device wasn’t secure enough, so that he buys a new one. Which then will be able to do even more. And hey, this ape dude also wins, because in case he dies he can be found easily, so that his ape family can burry him appropriately. Since otherwise it isn’t lawful. And who would want that, right? I mean if you don’t burry a human in an expensive wood coffin, with expensive clothes and an expensive ceremeony, the whole world would stand still.. eh ape, I meant ape.

But these days there are ways to burn dead bodies easily (I wonder how they found out about it). Oh wait…

Did you know that some of the people they put in there weren’t even dead?

NO?! Well… who cares at that point. Since we are all in a big concentration / labour camp anyways. And the best part. Most people play by the rules, since they got forced or convinced to believe in them. Like back then in the U.S, Germany or USSR or Great Brittain etc.

And yes, they all did similar things, but not as obvious.

The USSR for example sent children or young people like me, into camps just for singing some songs. And they were never seen again. Others got sent there just for their believe. Sounds familiar?

And hey, america, we don’t have to start there. Since they killed native americans, africans and in general any other people or used them as slaves.

I have one of two choices — stay in the post office and go crazy … or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve.

Charles Bukowski (1920-1994)

Slavery was never abolished, it was only extended to include all the colors.

Charles Bukowski (1920-1994)

By the way a man who grew up in Germany and then moved to the U.S. while his father previously was an american soldier who came to Germany after WWI. At least according to Wikipedia. But yeah… the truth is, in theory he also could have never existed. At least in a few years it won’t matter anymore. Because you already can create non-existing human faces with AI and then make movies with them. So you could basically create a life for a non-existing being. And no one would realize it, question it or understand it. Since no one even knows how the devices work, they use to read my blog.

Which I by the way do, at least to a point which gives me the chills because noone else, not even experts know these things anymore. Or they ignore it willingly, I don’t know. Because these days noone really has to understand how it works. And so noone takes the time, since time is / or got limited.

And therefor you push the time faster and faster until people give up, kill themselves or obey and then someone can jump in, just in the right time (how convinient) and save the day. Or whatever, or just kill them all, since they don’t question a thing anyways.

Man, I hope these history teachers I learned from still live. One of them even had a close relative of Himmler as their own history teacher, when I remember it correct. At least some well-known nazi. And I mean, this woman really knew things, since she questioned some things.

But I mean, since one year ago I accepted myself as dead. So I can do whatever I want, since you can’t kill something which is already dead. In case you understand what I mean with that.

And for me “doing whatever I want” is to write about all of this. About everything what I hate, can’t stand and how everyone is nuts and thinks that it is me. Welcome to the 21st century, where truth is a question and ants are smarter than humans.

I am John… and this is my blog.

And hey, in case I die or end my life one day because I finally think that it was enough suffering. Then maybe some people at least had something to read.

Oh wait… no, probably this blog will be taken down and all ideas will be lost. And hey, since your devices will then tell you, that I did it because I was egoistic, crazy or just a loser. Well then you will think, that it was my will. Or maybe you will just not even think about it after a few days.

Or the best part. Maybe someone would just use my blog and continue in my name and noone will notice. Because they already have no idea what I am talking about. So they will think that it is still me, talking nonsense.

Or maybe I would finally talk no nonsense, since these machine minds could then use my blog to manipulate all of you. 😀

And hey, I mean how do you know that this doesn’t already happen? Since TV, YouTube, Google any basically most well-known things are already connected?

But who am I talking to…

And I just hope that someone important hits the brakes because noone will listen to me. At least noone who could change that.

But the reality is, that this won’t happen and that we are soon all mindless machines, while some people already are since early childhood.

Before, parents got told to break the childrens will.

Now the children get supported, with information someone else gives them.

And then they think it is what they want, but it is just another way of manipulation. But psychologically better because it is proofen that people don’t think about or remember people or events which went out positive for them. This is why many bad people use this psychological trick and then convince people that they’re doing everything in their favor.

And because most people do this willingly these days, because it is normal, people who actually are honest and real, will be called rude, egocentric, crazy and sick. But hey, this is reality since my childhood and way before.

But these days we are all smarter… and yeah that is right.

Because the smarter a brain gets, the dumber the human is.

You: Huh?

Yeah… because a smart brain works like a computer. It has almost no free room for extraordinary thoughts or creativity beyond a certain needed level. And then like a computer is very fast with some subjects they got trained on (which got burned into it).

And while a human like me is still creative, thinks free about things and therefor can always learn new things, find new solutions and ways, most people can’t. And it isn’t their nature, it is what others made with them.

School isn’t good for people, it destroys them. And this is why it is by law forced to go to school until you are 18. At least in Germany. And if you don’t, then the police comes to your house, or the “Jugendamt” (youth wellfare office) and brings you there.

Because it is thought to be effective to break a humans free spirit until this age. Okay that was speculation, but given my own experience, it was like this and even worked way before this age.

And the best part is, that now the schools will of coure be reformed or already are. But now social media, news and scientists (or so called ones) are teaching children at home. And because most of them also just repeat what others told them or convinced them to think. It is easy to give the children the illusion of freedom, the parents that something improved and so on. While the old people are too tired, broken or already dead. And who listens to dead or old people anyways these days… right?

But if you understood that life is endless and therefor a human wouldn’t die, or at least not quick (~ 16-70 years), then you know what we have now.

I mean even the bible said, that in the beginning people lived up to thousand or at least several hundred years, but the following generations died earlier and earlier.

And since everyone who speaks about the bible is considered religious, conservative and stupid, no one listens to me. And ignores, that the bible is just a collection of random books and papers some people wrote down in the past. Of which some might actually have historical value. But hey, the winners write / rewrite history anways…

So if you just think about it for a second and also that trees (before they all got burned, cut down and vanished – the original ones) could live hundreds or thousands of years as well, you understand.

This once was a normal tree. But these days such trees are seen as rare or exceptional. And people wonder how a tree could grow that big… well guess what. No one did cut it down.

As I said, these trees were normal size or at least in rainforest and in general old untouched nature.

Do you see how many people are sitting and standing around this one big fallen tree?

To compare it with “modern” and now “normal” trees:

A human can often even wrap their arms around them and if that doesn’t work, a tree already is said to be old or big.

Well… they clearly haven’t seen any real trees. Trees which grew in nature.

By the way, did you know that most of the Black Forest (Germany), if not all (where I live), got cut down during or after wars? To either pay restaurations (The “You have to give me resources because I am the winner” card the victors usually play) or countries do for their own usage.

So the big famous Black Forest, is also just fake. At least since WWII or WWI. Because most of the trees in there are just modern normal size. And they also often get used to get wood to either burn or build things. And I mean that is considered normal, which to me also was normal when I was little. But yea… so much for the teaching. And if someone would have asked the native americans about that, they could have told you how to live and care for nature. But oh wait… they either got killed, reeducated or scared to death. And called uncivilized people. Which isn’t true, but if civilized stands for ignorant, diabolic and stupid, then yes, then they actually weren’t civilized because they were better than that. They were free and new that nature belongs to nature (or earth). At least some of the tribes.

They of course had their own perspectives from tribe to tribe, but in general they were more peaceful and in harmony with nature.

Until the europeans came or in general people from these civilized continents. It was even said that an african king once sailed to america way, way before everyone else. And that he had a lot of gold. It was also said by historians that the vikings were there and some greeks or something. So basically everyone, but then around 1500 it was said to be discovered… by Columbus. yeah no shit. He actually heard from all these stories and wanted to get famous. And since the people who went there either didn’t come back or at least noone had heard of them since, none of them claimed the discovery.

But the people who went there probably just experienced this paradise like new world and never wanted to go back. Or they got into conflict with the natives.

But then the europeans came there with their soldiers and priests and made an end to this “diabolic” natural paradies. While they killed the natives in search for gold and treasure and maybe women. All in the name of God of course… of course.

Did you know that the native americans made art out of gold and gave it to their gods (or what they believed in), since they didn’t need it and it had no value for them? It just was shiny and looked interesting for them.

Did you know that native americans were also called “Rothaut” (german for: “red skin”) before? While this could now be seen as an insult and also was used like this later on, the meaning got lost. Because noone has a red skin, right?

But maybe that is the problem. Since the native americans lived with nature and therefor healthy, their bodies usually had a good blood flow and also general strength and all. So they knew their strength and all. So why couldn’t it have been that their skin actually was kind of red? Red because of the blood or whatever.

If you think about it, then it actually is pretty unnatural to have white skin. It only makes sense when you realize that plants who grow without light also often get white. And hey… in case you think I am a racist then I don’t know where you have been or what you believe in. But basically everyone can say something these days, when it is what most people say. But of course people like me are the bad guys.

I hate racism, but since racism is normal because actually almost everony is already not natural anymore and the original people, like native americans, old african tribes, asian people etc. got wiped out or reeducated etc.

So that it looks like as if we still have a colorful world and so no one can say that it is a racist, national socialistic world we live in. Because the bad guys are of course people like me. And I mean given that most people can’t think anymore, it must be right. Because thoughts are from the devil or whatever.

But how did rich get rich?

People: They worked hard and saved money.

Other people: They were more intelligent.

Other other people: They were blessed by God.

Other other other people: They were lucky.


But hey, the last one made a little sense.

Because I as a secondary school kid knew, that it was easy to get rich, since most people are already turned into fools (without their knowledge, since they got none) when they are grown ups. So then you can just come up on the stage and tell them that you have a new invention and that it will be “revolutionary” and everyone will follow you. In case you pay enough people and make a good marketing campaign.

I mean I could even sell you dirty laundry. Oh wait… some people actually do that and people pay a lot of money for it.


And in case you didn’t watch it. It represents our society right now.

But more in a global scale and in general. So there is no happy ending because it is even worse in reality.

So in case this trailer or the whole series scares you, makes you feel angry or alone. Then this is just part of the tip of the iceberg. As you might have realized after reading some of my other posts.

And yes, sorry that I sometimes get very angry or toxic in my posts. At least what some people consider that, but hey, I just had to handle other people and their stupid opinions my whole F***ING LIFE and no one cared. Instead they call me crazy because I finally speak up about all the pain I ignored.

This year I finally started to feel my body and it screams, burns and sometimes doesn’t even let me breath. But hey… that is normal, since it did that my whole life, I just ignored it. Because I thought it was normal. 😀 xD


I mean, I burned myself with hot soup, hot water and all, because people said to me that it was normal temperature. And when I tried to explain that it was too hot for me, they ignored it until I ignored it as well.

So when I now am fully myself again (+ all the nonsense people did place into my head), I am called crazy, sick and rude. Thanks humanity for killing yourself while believing it is the best. Thanks for …. nothing.

And hey, this 2 hour playlist made me feel a little better, but it isn’t me who should feel better. It is my father and my mother and the other relatives or people in my life (except some rare few who don’t want to change me, probably because they are scared themselves or are deeply broken).

The thing is, that most people are broken these days, but since that is considered normal, someone who isn’t (or isn’t anymore for the most part), is considered the broken one. Since they are not normal.

Therefor it makes sense that people would kill healthy, good and peaceful people because they either think they are not like them and therefor must be bad or are jealous and therefor do it.

And well…. if someone is jealous about how much I write in short time or about (some) of my (whatever) music. Then keep in mind, that I am living in a psychological hell, that I would consider myself similar to the woman who plays the major role in Stateless (the woman on the video thumbnail).

But hey, people actually say things to me, like the people in the series said to her. So it must be normal I guess. This is why I said, that it is a global thing and not just Australia. The whole civilized world is in critique here.

But I guess noone understands that anymore… as long as someone comes along the way and says: “Everything is fine.” or “Everything will be alright.”

I bet these are the words they say to the animals before they bring them to the slaughtery. Oh wait…

And Zone Blanche or Black Spot actually shows how the fight for the environment looks like in real life. At least pretty similar to what I have experienced. Since I as an elementary school kid, together with a friend, collected around 20-30 glass bottles in the small area of trees (maybe 20 m²) next to one of the roads in my village. Because I thought that it would be good to do that. Okay, I later wanted to destroy the bottles with stones and partially did that, together with my friend. But what I have seen from adults was even worse. (Throwing glass bottles on the street, forest etc. and don’t care about other people).

And guess who was a bad kid in the end? Yes me… because I did what the adults did. And later had to clean everything up. What I did and what was in that case right, but noone cared about the WHY. And since I was a kid, they just thought that I must have been stupid or evil or whatever.

THANK YOU HUMANITY!!! .. that a little kid knows more than all of you together and has to do everything right, while you can all mess up, break everything and noone cares. THAAAAAAANKKKK YOUUU!!!

By the way, in Black Spot / Zone Blanche, I consider myself as the woman who runs through the forest and takes a bath in the lake. And also as her daughter and partially the city guy (when I take my time in, in which I have lost my mind and forgot that nature actually is a thing).

I haven’t studied anything, have no certificates (except the ones I got from [forced] school of course).

So noone will believe me.

Because noone really learns all for themselves. According to leading people.

Do you know that it actually is normal for a child to eat dirt and stick things into the mouth? Because this is how a child usually learns for themselves.

But these days this usually is not normal and seen dangerous… yeah no shit, since the whole ground is intoxicated and in houses are toxic things everywhere. In actual nature this would be no problem, since this is how beings learn, grow and take advantage of their surroundings. This is why some animals are similar, but have different abilities etc.

But these days this is almost not possible anymore because almost everything is not natural. I mean people even blame the animals for being animals these days…

Don’t forget what Orwell said in 1984. They will make the people hate the former leader of the then still ruling party. I think he even described him as being a jew. If you know that Hitler was partially jew (according to how nazis decided who is and who is not) and …. well a nazi. Then you know what Orwell was talking about.

How I understand people, when they try to explain to me, why I should work for companies:

(or people I can’t and don’t want to work for in general)

Welcome to your present and future.

Here are the concentration… I mean labour camp instructions.

Governments and corporations put people into school and education facilities when they are still babies

Thanks for your service. Your country needs you.

Between the teeth: And in case you don’t agree, we call you pedophile, crazy, a terrorist or whatever we want. And then you will kill yourself. In case you don’t, we will make others do the job for us. We will publish information about you, at best out of context and things you actually said or did. Then we will raise hate against you and some people will then either throw you into jail, kill you “by accident” or whatever we like or they.

Isn’t it fun? Look, we just want to help you.

And the best part is, you can help us as well. Just do what we say and everything will be fine. Hihi. Have a good day IN HELL!

Did I say something? Did someone say a word?

It must have been the weather…

I mean yes, we are meant to die, so that some crazy lunatics can live or maybe even other beings. You never know these days….

And this is the horrible reality. But you only see it, when you already were in hell all your life, like me. A psychological hell because this is the actual hell. Pain is nothing compared to psychological torture. And I know a lot about it, since our society is based around it.

Usually the opposite is true or none of it. Because no one really cares for the actual truth. Which is nature. But nature these days might also just be an illusion, since they had enough time to alter animals in their labs, like they did with humans as well.

Do your research people, really… and maybe not only online, but in actual old books or by asking some old people. Because these days within seconds you can wipe out someones whole existence and most people won’t notice. Maybe not even the family, until it is too late. Or maybe not at all, since families are already successfully separated for the most part. So the own family might even say: “Finally they are gone.” instead of wondering and asking questions… THIS IS REALITY!!! But no one cares because they can’t anymore.

Let’s see how long it will take until someone gets rid of me or I do it myself.

And how long it will take to get rid of my data or alter it, so noone will see a difference, but the data will represent the story which then will be set up.

So that the website would represent that I was a bad person and it was good that I am dead. But hey…


No? Well…. now you know why.

Stay safe people and friends.

I love you and hope that we will somehow survive.

But I gave up when I was in elementary school. So I am just doing this as some kind of interactive “Good Bye letter”, so some people might be able to safe themselves or others. Or just don’t die in believe that they were the problem.

Because the problems sit in our parlaments, in the corporations and donation campaigns etc.

I mean I have seen people with golden ear amulets and more things and expensive cars, computers etc. working in charity organisations. And the leaders of such “companies” even claim to have the right to earn 100,000€ or more a year. Since they are the boss.

And I just thought, wait, wasn’t this supposed to be a charity, wasn’t this supposed to be for the people?

And yes, the best part is, that they buy garbage for people and make them depended on them, like UNICEF. While they don’t really care for the people. Because the governments are all corrupt and work with corporations to steal the water and food from people in Africa for example. So they can make them work for it and pay later, while the water was free in a river before. And these charities usually don’t really make longterm helps. They just send some packages and when they don’t then the people die.


And if you think that I am angry… then you really should start to think for yourself fast. Because I am pretty calm, compared to my knowledge, understanding and situation. I am more than calm, I am one step in the grave since I was little because I knew, that the world worked like this.

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