Since it’s Octobaer again

People1: Wait, I thought he is God.

People2: No, he is clearly crazy, that’s what is going on.


Hey, eh I don’t want to break any hearts. I want to put them together again with you. Because sometimes it seems that my heart is in the core of the earth. In case there isn’t just a hollow ballon flying around here, soon to pop and then all is air or void.

Meanwhile, somewhere else:

(I actually thought about this game some time ago, but I couldn’t remember the name. Thanks anonymous trouble maker… eh hero… I mean human.

Do you know, why usually zombies are meant to shot in the head?

No? Well, because they are not running on blood and a beating heart, but thoughts of “more” and more. Whatever more is. Some of them want to eat other brains because their own isn’t enough. Others want to eat your insides or suck your blood out. You know what I mean. And then I tell you, that it is a mirror of society and that usually life comes from the heart.

When I then add Half-Life – the game – to the equation, then it makes sense, why the camera was not where the head was. Was it? At least in my memory it wasn’t, but actually where the heart should be. Why? Well, because your eyes are just sensors, placed on the top, because otherwise it could be heart to overlook the whole scenery. But the brain processes it and the heart gives it power. The heart, gives the power. So then how the hell are zombies still walking around? Questions above questions…

Still they continue to walk Among Us, another game, by the way.

So in case you need some more for halloween, you know where to find me.

Oh right… I am a ghost. Well…

They are “just” furious. Why? Because usually you say fallen angel or bad angel and good angel. But why not just say “furious”? Because that is what I am. But only about those who still think they own something which doesn’t exist.

People: You mean God?

Me: Exactly……


People: Ah come on… now it really gets old. Don’t you have some new jokes?

Me: stares on the screen with pure fascination how the people are always reacting in the same way

I must be insane.

But now I am allowed to, because it is October. 😀

And by the way. The more you work against me, the more you help me.

Thanks for asking.

You know what he believes in, right?

Evil, bigger, smaller, all the same. 😀

Evil is one, loveable are many. Able to love and deserving love and life.

I mean the actual thing, not the thing with the roses, the war of the roses...

And in case you forgot:

You know my name. Hehe. Because John and Johnny, it’s all the same.

And all of a sudden this scene is almost comedy. Because this is what happened here. Am I right?

The sad part is, that I sometimes wished to be the one on the other side, but insetad of cutting Johnny with the hand, I wished him to split my head into half. Would have been much easier for me to live. Sadly it didn’t happen, so I had to do it myself.

And now you could also see this scene in a psychological way. If you take it out of context, if it is out of context. Because many people these days are kind of hiding in their bath or bedrooms (or in my case, the living room).

And sadly some are even sitting in there with a knife or similar things.

They try to escape, but there seems to be no way out. So they cut themselves. Only that in this scene it was Johnny, luckily, because otherwise I would have had to cry. And the thing is, that I just wanted to make you want to live and fight your way out. While I made it very scary, painful and hard, as it seemed. With that big axe, the words and face. But as soon as you hit me with that knife a little, I was like: “Dude, that hurts.”

And I didn’t want to scare you, but I am actually scared of you people. At least some people. Probably not you, you who is reading this. Since you must already be a friend of mine and even if not, consider yourself as such.

Everyone could be my friend, if they would just know what I should help them with. Instead they want help with things, even I have problems with and which makes me want to scream and run away.

But enough of this for the moment and I really don’t want people to hurt themselves, then better hurt me… I am used to it anyway.

And what would be the perfect way to teach children a lesson, without killing them? With a simulation. Because otherwise, they would actually die and no one wants that. At least not me. Sadly it seems, as if way too many people are still dying. Sometimes I imagined waking up in a room where other people are and then I get rid of the wires and some friendly engineers and scientists greet me and tell me that I am finally free to be.

But then I just see this bitter black void or the bitter bright white light of the walls in my rooms. Luckily there are dreams I have. But my dreams are sometimes like reality. The end, when I wake up. Sometimes multiple times. And then I am here again. Waiting… waiting for someone to pull me out, to press a button or knock on my door: “FBI OPEN UP!”

But no one comes. And in case I didn’t say the key word. I am terrorist.

FBI: Okay, now we will get him.

Me: Because Terror-ist, like terror is, but just in your head.

People: Oh, I see what you did there.


‘Cause dead can dance.

And ’cause the world actually ended in the year 2000.

Some people: Where can I hire this guy?


But I am still scared that I will wake up all alone at some point. And that you are all my imaginative friends because I am actually God and so you are all just in my head. And because even I lost creativity, I can’t even enjoy my own dream anymore.

I don’t care what happens to me. I just want to have us all together, be happy, do what we want and then help each other with what we might need. I don’t know. There are so many creative and cool people out there and some of them are also going crazy sometimes or just feel lost in this broken world.

In case this is a simulation, then I never want to be in it again.

And in case I am alone, then I don’t know how long I will be able to handle this shit.

People: But this makes no sense. Look there are so many people.

Me: You haven’t been where I was and you haven’t seen what I have seen. This is why I have to consider this all a nightmare. But I have the hope that at least half of what I wrote in this blog is true, if not all or most of it.

I don’t say that I have all the knowledge and please, I don’t want all knowledge. I just thought everything through and it was horrible because each time when the thought process stopped and I came out of the tunnel on the other side, I just woke up like a baby after it was born. And then each time I wanted to scream inside. Screaming because I felt so alone, because I felt all this hate, pain, fake and destruction. It made me want to destroy myself. I don’t want to be God nor the devil. Nor do I want to know all I know. But sadly I do and I don’t know what else I should say or do.

And if you really ask a burning man to cook a pair of eggs or bacon, then I can’t help you. All I want is cold water, a warm towel and people who understand me.

And in case you don’t understand me, it isn’t your fault, trust me, I also was on such a level, that I didn’t even knew the difference between home, prison, work and hell. So in case you don’t understand me, I have been there too. Feeling stupid… but then everyone is and noone is.

And because I always got told, that destiny is death, I thought, what is the point of it all. But no one understood me.

Instead they said things like: If one thing is for sure, then death.

And I was like: HEEEEEEELLLLLLP!!!! Please let this be a bad dream and please let there be people smarter than me. Please let this not be an endless cycle. Please HELP!

But all I got was: And now go to secondary school.

And I was like: Okay…. knowing that I can’t run from my destinry.

And then that happened:

And before you ask, yes I felt like all of them.

And now it also makes sense, why the series stopped, why I was not in the capsle (meaning Eli) and why they never woke up again. Because I actually fell asleep, while they all weren’t. At least if you consider it this way.

And I was left there alone… just like Eli in the show. And it was open to whether he would survive or not.

They even got almost the perfect character for me, given the details about him, my past and his past and his dream. And these words are pretty accurate, if you listen to them closely. Especially one word.

People: You mean destiny.

Me: Yes….

But I am still scared, but willing to make sense of it all. It is just, I still don’t know where I am. Whether I am on the moon, in my head, in a dream, in a horrible nightmare someone invented to make me suffer. Or all of us.

I am not joking here. I often really don’t know anymore what all of this is.

Maybe I am just lost in my own creation… hehe *cries internally*

And because it is my creation, it can’t help me… because I couldn’t help it or them or you. Because I was just too naive and tried to enter into my own game, while I had no idea what I was doing. I don’t know.

In case I am really the problem here, then you know what happened in Black Mirror, with the guy who… made his own game. And the woman came to late to his rescue. At least if I remember right.

If even God loses his memory, then …

I would like to merry you all!

People are like: Eyyy, that is sick, strange and illegal. What kind of pervert are you?

Me: Since the word merry sounds like Mary and mary could also mean love, it is innocent and legal. Or do you want to say that people should hate each other and I should hate you all?

People: But that doesn’t even make sense.

People1: I don’t know what this guy had taken, but he clearly isn’t joking.

People2: And this music is actually dope, why did I never find it?

People3: And now that I am thinking about it, I really had some bad months lately.

People2: Yeah….

People1: Guys, you know what I just thought?

People2: No?

People1: If this guy is just a random guy on the internet, why has no one stopped him or found him yet? I mean in real life. Because he already gave us a name, a birthday, a country, a region and maybe even more.

People2: Wow, you know more than me, I just “read” one of his posts. If he really is a he and no she or they or…

People3: … an AI after all.

People1: Guys… guys. Okay. So maybe because noone tried to find him yet.

People2: But I mean, someone clearly must have thought, that there must be more too it, right?

People3: Well, now that I think about it. I lately didn’t have much time because of covid-19 or corona or how they call it these days. So maybe noone really had time for it.

People2: Yep. I know what you mean. These zoom calls and remote workplace tools often have problems and don’t work properly.

People1: I don’t know what you are talking about, I am using Manjaro and Skype or TeamViewer.

People2: Who in the world uses Skype these days? Isn’t that from the early 2000s?

People1: I don’t know, but so far it did the job for me.

People3: And what the hell is TeamViewer? Is that a new Microsoft tool?

Questions above or below questions…

But you know… one has to do, what one has to do.


*Screams internally*

And you know the old saying: “If you don’t come to God, then God comes to you!”

People1: Never heard of it.

People2: Wasn’t it with the mountain and the prophet?

Me (inside):

More how I actually look from your perspective:

People3: Wait, he is asian?


People2: Wait, he is a she?


People1: Wait, he is a drawing? A speaking drawing?


People4 enters the room.

People4: Wait, he is Hitler?!


People1: Man, this guy must have had a bad day.

People2: I think he just wants our attention.

People3: Okay, I am out. This is stupid.

All I want is peace, freedom and love.

All I want….

I really could need this love in the well. And this whole blog is some kind of weird love letter anyways…

But when people “read” it, they could be like:

By the way, my arms felt almost as if they were bleeding in the last song. And now they feel numb. But I am still typing.

So you have seen the signs, you have seen the times.

And you know what people say about how things in Soviet Russia work?

For example Halloween?


Well, usually you enjoy Halloween, but in Soviet Russia, Halloween enjoys you.

Someone: Nope, nope, nope. I am out of here.

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