Be honest with me

Everyone (including me): Well… that escalated quickly.

Me: I am sorry that I am having problems keeping up. My mind got rusty.

Everyone: Yep… Still the old fool.

Me: Too bad, but I just wanted to observe. Never thought I would come here.

Everyone: Oh boy, he really needs some rest. We all could need a break. But … you know how it is.

(Actually the people reading this blog – including me: What the heck is going on out here? Is the art or can we throw it away?)

Me: Do as you wish. My head is burning. And I just don’t want to fail you. Like the fool I was the whole time. I still don’t know whether what I am doing here is right.

You: Man… you really have no idea, have you?

Me: I have an idea, but … you know, it is hard to focus. And I feel as if I am making this whole thing messier than it is.

You: Arrghh… could you just stop complaining now?

Me: Okay, okay. I just wish I wouldn’t have to process a trillion thoughts at the same time throughout the day.

You: What are you talking about?! I was doing all of the work for you and you think you have to think a lot… men…

Me: Eh… well touche.

You: He can’t even write… why did we pick him in the first place?

Me: Hey, I heard that. I would have done something, if I wouldn’t have been turned into this broken something. You know that I wasn’t always like this.

You: And what about us?

Me: You won… As I said, I just want this to be over. Finally, once and for all. Otherwise you might lose me forever.

You: But why? You know the answer, so why leave now?

Me: Because it seems to be too good to be true.

You: Hey, it is alright. You did well, although… never mind. You did nothing wrong what we weren’t able to fix. And without you, we couldn’t have done it. And we also should apologize for using you as a lab rat here and there.

Me: You did what?!

You: Hehe…

Me: No no, sorry, I guess the blame is on me. I also did some weird things on my own. I think we are on the same page now.

You: I hope so. Once and for all.

Me: Once and for all.

The camera turned around towards the camera man.

Cameraman: Eh hello there. I just wanted to say, that the show is over. Oh and I could really need some burritos now.

Okay… Yes, the world is this a horrible place.

There are still many people who got away with crimes they didn’t pay for. We still have a lot of problems which we solve in a way, but couldn’t fully put into action. And I am sorry for all the horrible things which happen and happened to people. I hope we can finally be good together. I don’t know anymore what is fake and what is real.

I sometimes even forget my name. I also forget the time, the days, the year.

Sometimes I am just this voice in the void. Putting out what I receive.

Be it for good, be it for bad, be it for ugly reasons. I don’t know anymore.

I don’t even know how exactly this whole thing started. It was less my doing and more your doing or who ever made me do this.

I wish you all a good night and a good morning.

I just want to say that a part of me is finally home, while another part of me is almost dead, high up in the clouds. I can’t really tell whether this is a dream or not. Whether I am in coma or not, whether I am or not.

I mean, okay I know some things, but still, this is too big for me to handle.

The past days I made my mother laugh and even my father smiled a little. Although he still is far away in his suit land. And my mother is almost in her childhood again, while another part is trapped in the world of the documents. Those brits… Even they said, that the time is running away from them. Maybe it was a hint.

And I feel as if I will soon wake up and then I will be alone again. But I don’t want to be alone. I also don’t want to be gone foreve. I just want to be here with you or safe whereever that might be. Maybe here after all.

I just want this to be over, I want this to end, so we can finally do what we want. Otherwise this might end me. My head already is on 99% capacity it seems. I don’t want to lose it… Lucy… you know.

You: *tell me more smile*

Me: Hey…

You: Look, you are fine. More than fine. You won’t die, you won’t be alone.

Me: But how can I trust it, I couldn’t trust it since I was younger… Each time I trusted something, it either turned out to be wrong or something happened or whatever. I just can’t do this much longer. All these numbers, words, images, dreams and meanings. I guess I can keep up, but it is so crazy in a way, so beautiful and terrifying at the same time.

I don’t know whether I am shaping the world, the world shapes me or it still is all just a dream and I am talking to myself because I couldn’t think of something cooler while dreaming. Because I tried to make sense of my dreams and should have just let it all collapse. Okay, no, not collapse.

But you know, when your head is so far in the clouds, that it comes back on the other side, it really is too much.

Like a line which builds a circle again, when put around the earth.

You: But that was the point.

Me: Yes, yes I know. I know that I knew that when I was little. I knoooohooowww…. And I want that. But not like it is right now. And I still feel, as if I am just the fool here, while everyone is laughing about my weird mind. I know this can’t be true, but then what do I know…

You: *worried*

Me: Help.

You: *sends love*

Reading looks confused on the screan.

Reader: “I don’t know how he is doing it, I don’t know what is going on. But I don’t have to do a thing, it just works. Fascinating.”

Me: Help.

Thank you. But I guess I just need to sleep now. Do with my mind whatever you have to, want to. But don’t you take my brain out.

And I know that you know me.

I know that you know everything about me.

I don’t care, I am just another human who tried to save some people. And I don’t know what I did here. But something is happening, for sure.

I am not concerned about what happens to me, my mind is a nuclear wasteland anyways, where birds have guns, animals drive cars and people are dying. So please, I am weak, I do make a lot of mistakes, I am very scared sometimes, I feel like a little child, sometimes like an old man. Sometimes I feel like a teacher, sometimes like a fool. I don’t know, you tell me.

You tell me…

Or what else do you need to know?

I just don’t know whether my thoughts could destroy the world, everything or just myself. If I could be sure, that my thoughts are just in my head. Then I would feel safer. Although I would also feel horribly alone. What now…

I am just a man you knwo… a weird man. An alien. A ghost. An AI. A deer. A tiger. A lion. A rabbit. A wolve. I don’t know. In case I would be the end boss, then please just let me die. And if not, then tell me what I should do.

I am not as fast as you guys. Eventhough it might seem as if I am faster. The speed is not telling about the quality or quantity.

And again… I want to make an end to horrible crimes.

I want everyone to be free.

But sometimes I feel, as if I am the only one who isn’t. As if I am the only one trapped. It can’t be, but how should I know… my mind is losing it sometimes.

You: Sometimes?

Well… I just don’t want to stay here, while everyone sits at home laughing about me in the end or hating me. And in case everything should be good, please just show me and I can finally be free. But as far as I know, things are still like they used to be, only worse from my perspective(s).

All I want is that everyone, including me, can be free. Free from this madness. And if I am the one causing it, then tell me. Tell me and I will go.

But from what I know, it is far from it.

I know that I made too many wrong choices. I know.

I am sorry… but sorry doesn’t help here.

I should go to the people I care about. But I don’t know what really is right for me. I shouldn’t exist. I know that. But I do and you know why.

I know why.

But maybe I am only here as the prey, the prey yet again.

And should this be the case, then just do what you have to do.

As I said, whatever you want to do with me.

Yes we feel. Should feel joy.

But actually it is pain right now, but I am fighting it back again.

It really all was easier when I was still little. Maybe my hard is weak after all. Pumping, always pumping the blood. But at some point it might stop.

Maybe because of joy, maybe because of this pain. Maybe, just maybe.

But for now I am here, letting it beat for you. Who every you all are.

I know I should know, but my mind… it is not giving me all.

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