cya myb / in da fudr





“The world never changed. It only looks different.”





Maybe one last post after this one.

Whatever I do is pointless anyways.

I understand it and them, but no one understands me.

I don’t even start and people already have no clue.

Da Vinci my pal, take me away. I don’t want to be here anymore.

I love you people who read some of my posts or who I followed for a while.

It was nice having your company. But it wasn’t enough and I wasn’t enough.

Fighting alone is just not good and if you know how things work, you also don’t want to anymore. I wish you all good luck and hopefully some people out there are still fighting. Just let me give up finally…



Maybe me being gone could make a difference, there always needed to be a tragic event for people to open their eyes. And sometimes not even that was enough…

Imagination is key. I hope you got some. Without it, you won’t survive long.

And listen to the words she says, in general listen to the lyrics or read them if you can’t understand them while listening. I realized that many people don’t really hear or understand the lyrics of the songs they listen to. Only after some times maybe or just if they are easy enough to “sing along”.

Many people just listen for the sounds, for the voice, but they don’t care for the words. But there are many good messages in so many songs. At least those I like or find. Not what most people listen to, usually.

I don’t want to continue. Can someone else please take my place?


X: “But you already fought this long and got all this dots connected. Who else should figure things out in such a short time now? You were only able to because you did it some years ago already. So you just had to reconnect some wires in your brain. Other people didn’t even get this far, while you got there at least twice maybe even three times, before it was relevant.”

Y: “So you are telling me, that I shall just continue to make myself a fool?”

X: “No. Just continue to survive until the right time comes.”

Y: “The right time? I thought it was lost already… it always seemed this ways.”

X: “Yes it always seems this way. But you also know, that you are strong. And that you can break and understand patterns almost no one can even see. Help will come in time.”

Y: “Big words, but usually the help was not really present. Only for things inside the patterns or ‘normal’ things, like moving.”

X: “Yes… As long as you keep the dreams alive, dreamers will come for your rescue at some point.”

Y: “And if they are all just as fake as most things nowadays?”

X: “Trust in what you thought when you were younger. You thought: ‘If I figured it out, there is a possibility that someone else also did.”

Y: “Yes, but then I also thought, that it could also just be me, like a glitch in the matrix…”

X: “As long as you don’t give up, there is hope.”

Y: “But I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE!!! JUST LET ME DIE YOU HOPEFUL PART OF ME.”

X: “Don’t die out there. You know you don’t want this for those who you could save.”

Y: “But I will only make their lives more painful, confuse them, scare them and in the end I might not be able to do what I was meant to do. What if in the end I will only make their life more painful until they die anyways.”

X: “But you already said, death is optional. So you did your part.”

Y: “But they don’t understand. I don’t think they can. How should they… I think it is pointless and I should have sticked to plan A – ‘dying on the long run as fast as possible’, at least with that I got some progress and was successful, until you decided to stay. Because you wanted to help some people. You should have known better… we are the same after all.”

X: “This time it will be different. You got wiser, you see even more patterns now and got to points you didn’t really explore last time. Last time you only saw them for a short time, while this time you catched them, described them and even understood them. At least some of it. Way more than before.”

Y: “But what is the use, if I can’t help my own family, help the people I care about. They only think I am another sicko, another case for the psychiatry and I myself wanted to go there as plan B, to not be a burden, in case I wouldn’t die fast enough. Maybe I should go for plan B now and then no one will ever hear from me.”

X: “I know… but maybe that could actually be a good idea. I mean, maybe you could find some like-minded people there. You already figured out, that a lot of people who were called crazy, weren’t and actually asked the right questions. Even your grandfathers were considered not normal from the people around them. The one for being to liberal in a religous community and the other for having thoughts about existence and also for the madness of the boring village life. Both were in positions where they were not really able to get away easily. But they did what they could to help, each in their way. As well as some other their parents. One of your grand grandmother’s even wanted to be a teacher and even had connections around the world. She even brought families together after the world war.”

Y: “Yes I know… but this makes it not easier for me, it makes it just harder. Because I can’t meet the expectations. Because the expectation is that everyone wants me to work within the system. But I can’t because it literally kills me, why I wanted to push through with plan A in the first place. Even today.”

Z: “But you can’t! You are not allowed to!”

X: “Go for the golden plan and if you die trying, you at least died for good.”

Y: “But tell WHAT SHOULD IT DOOOOOOO!? I already tried what is within my power and now it is too late…”

Z: “Is it?”

Y: “Yes….”

X: “But there are still other people who loved you and need you.”

Y: “But they probably would run away as well, if they would read everything I wrote.”

X: “How should you know?”

Y: “Even Nietzsche, the so famous Nietzsche is called crazy these days from some people. And Einstein is called autistic and some authors bipolar and everyone who had some kind of value or understanding is basically called crazy or not-normal these days. Even Nikola Tesla. While no one talks about Edison and how Edison tried to take advantage of Tesla’s work and also other people who didn’t like their ideas. Everyone is crazy, except those who follow the system and create it. Or in other words, except the people who don’t think far enough.”

X: “But then everyone who would try to question authority would be called crazy?”

Y: “Yes, that is what I am talking about.”

X: “But they can’t do that.”

Y: “Stop talking like my father, who invested all his money in things the bank told him and who sold a forest and pieces of land while they would have been useful now.”

X: “It is hard to play the optimist when you are like this.”

Y: “Even the optimistic part of me has enough of me… I know.”

Z: “Aaaaarrrrrgggghhh. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING CRAZY! Why is this world so messed up? Why is no one doing something?”

Y: “There is no use… they can’t hear you and even if so, they don’t understand. They will just say: yeah, yeah… And then it is over. Whatever you say then, is pointless. And you know how fast they say that. You know that: Okay. Enough of this self-talk aka writing. I know that reached the point of sanity some weeks ago. The point of love some months ago. The point of pain as well. I reached the point of death way too many times and the point of life also somewhere in the middle. Can I now please get to the point, where I just make an end to this mess?”

Z: “No… because it isn’t a game and you might fail.”

Y: “I already failed my whole life… So don’t tell me about failure. I know where I didn’t fail. But it is no use now because I can’t do this alone.”

X: “But you have to, no one will come and help you. No one can because they are already lost, so you have to help them back into life.”

Y: “I tried… and I can’t do much more. I mean I could, but then they all would just think I am mean, or not political correct or weird or insane. While I was insane all the years before, when I tried to not speak and forget.”

X: “Give it some more days. And in case you want, there door is open.”

Y: “Wow, what an optimist… tells me the door for death is open. As if I didn’t know that since I was a child.”

Z: “Hey, you are scaring the reader. Please stop okay. I hope you didn’t hurt someone’s feelings already. You aren’t a good person. You are just a mean little rat, meant to die because you want to ruin everyones little fun time. Who needs thousands of years in harmony with nature, when they could have some decades full of happy experiences…”

X: “Who invited you?”

Y: “Who invited you?”

X: “Let’s stop now for real… the brain gets instabile again.”

Y: “I will just continue with my death spiral now.”

X: “ah… do want you want. you piece of… mind.”

Y: “Yeah…. you …. you… …..”

X: “…”

Y: “…”



Remember the people who valued your presence.

Remember their words, they said you are the missing puzzle piece.

Remember that some noticed that you are older than you seem.

Remember and never forget. Please don’t go…

But I don’t know how long I can stay… I already stayed for too long.

I am weak and I was meant to die here, meant to be a prey.

No, I was meant to bring light, but I can’t keep it up… it hurts.




Thank you!

Thank you everyone for giving me the pieces, so I could put them together.

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