The End(?)… OF THE END!


“Kill” ’em with love, with music, with kindness, with art.

And if you still think it is all “just” a game, well I hope time will give you the answers. 🙂

Because the answers are there, everywhere. Even you hold parts of them. Until you see everything.



We always just could do it together, but only with beating hearts. What discipline, rules against freedom and fun don’t give. What the need for death will never give you. You don’t come to live, just to die again. So why do you want to, do you want to? The rich try to find ways to live forever anyways… but they don’t know, that all it needs is a heart. A beating heart in the name of love. Do you know? No one can give you this heart, because you already have it, if you let it be free. I as many others, can only show you that it is possible and meant to be. Otherwise there is no reason for life at all.








Something like this actually happened to me once when I was in hospital and just needed to get a date for a surgery. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken it in the first place, but you are always smarter afterwards. But I am still, aren’t I? 😀 After I went to “the place that sends you mad”, where I got mad, but now I am finally more sane than ever. Actually sane the way I was when I was a child. It is good to have working memory and feelings. 🙂

And guess where the room / door / window where I should have gone was at? Right next to the exit, the front door. Where I probably should have run out, but back then I still was almost dead like a zombie. So I instead of running out, after I got well again, I searched this room. At least I didn’t die, right? 😀 That is all what matters. Sadly in my case I was walking there alone, so no one told me the truth back then. But that is why I am here now for you to make sense to it all. I mean, I already did, but now it is up to you to walk the stairs up and down, in case you haven’t done it up until now.

Man, this video clip really represents how the world works and I felt like Asterix and Obelix together and now even Miraculix.








When I was younger and people actually still played the card game (the younger ones) I remember some of them asking something like: “Why do the people in the TV show don’t play by the rules” And I just thought: “Since when do you need to play by the rules, if you can make them?”

Actually the way I lived as a child, until these adulteric adults made me think their way. How could I let them do this. I should have known better.

But I stood alone on the stage or so I thought and now you were handing me all your cards, to finally make an end to this madness. At least for us. If the rest wants to go mad, okay, but at least we shouldn’t. Am I right?


I think we know by now, what “I’m fine” actually means.

But most importantly, don’t you give up now!

Not after I made you see or at least gave you the opportunity.


Yep. We make the rules. Fighting them with their own. Or even ones they haven’t known about. Like love and dreams and jokes.


Okay, okay… without any further ado, here you have it.

Your boy John Peter the Crook… I mean Cook:

(Me, already training the fake smile)

Yes, yes I know, he looks promising.

And his names mean:

John = Graced by God / God is Gracious

Peter = Stone / Rock / Strong like a rock

Cook = … well it’s obvious, but I actually don’t like this one, so I replace it with the name of my grandfather from whom I got this surname.

(Grandfather) Walter = Ruler of the army / Power / Brightness

Some of my old friends actually called me “Koche Walter” sometimes, which meant “Walter of the Cook family” while “Koch” is the german equivalent for “Cook” and the “e” is something like “from” or “of the” when it comes to family names in the Swabian dialect. (At least as far as I know, not really being a true Swabian because I wasn’t meant to be born in the first place. At least when it was up to my father or his mother.).

This actually leads me to “Ruler of the army Cook”, which then would be a one man army. Given that my father is a crook or chose to be one and my mother simply being not a man (which doesn’t make her less, she simply isn’t a man) and she also is not originally from this family (to safe my ass from all these mindless feminists who don’t understand that we can only win together). So I am the only one from the family “Koch” or in english “Cook” who still stands and fights. Or who stood up again, I should say, after they thought I was dead. Almost got me.

And to make it the strongest deck I have ever played, I play out the hidden third name Henry or as you might would preffer it: Harry.

Henry/Harry = Home leader / Power / Ruler

Joining all my mother’s brothers names together: John, Peter, Henry.

And together with my mother’s father (2nd Grandfather) we get Kornelius or Cornelius for the meaning.

Kornelius = War horn

And if you have seen the golden photo, you know who he was.

I will use his name as a backer.

Putting all of these names together, we get:

John, Peter, Walter, Harry, (Cook, just in case), (Kornelius).

Graced by God, God is gracious, strong like a rock, ruler of the army, power, brightness, home leader, (cook, for cooking purposes), (war horn).

Did you expect that? I looked these up some time ago and my own names John and Peter I got told when I was little. But even I didn’t see the whole value in these names up until now. Majestic, marvelous, bombastic.

And I am supported by my mother, although we sometimes had our struggles together because of my father or other people and things.

My mother is called Maria. Her name often is reffered to negative things, like “Sea of bitterness” or “Sea of sorrow”, while there are also positive ones, which I preffer. Like “rebellion”, “wished-for child” and “lady of the sea” or even “love”. So “love” literally gave me life and showed me the way of life. While my mother prayed for me, to be a blessing. Her love and rebellion made me survive, made me see, together with all the other names and meanings.

Oh and I almost forgot my cats, who sadly died due to cars killing them.

Maximilian = Greatest

He truely was the greatest, he even learned some words or at least tried to form them and understood what we said. He was a great friend, had a lot of intelligence, love and will power. But was also gentle and gracious. He also had another cat from the neighbour which was named Fridolin or from the origin Friedrich.

Friedrich = peaceful ruler / peace-keeper / friendship / mighty / royal etc.

And after his original owner (or the crazy cat lady who gave food to him) wasn’t there anymore, he became also part of the family in some way. After Maxi (as we called him) or Maximilian had died already. Fridolin never really got happy after his death. But he really was peaceful, was kind to the female cats and usually didn’t fight that much. He got old, but died from some kind of tumor. Poor old man… one of his queens also got hit by a car and the other one got blind and sick and so died as well.

For me, these cats were the actual rulers.

After most of the many cats (many more than just the ones I told you about) either died, got taken away or whatever happened to them, there were only some neighbor cats left.

Until the next one came in. Who was called Adolf by the people. But although the meaning “noble” or “wolf” was fitting, I didn’t like this name. Because I then had to think about Adolf Hitler and it also sounded not nice because of this. Also given, that he was a white cat with blue eyes or one blue and one red? So I called him Снежок, which means snowball in russian. But because I couldn’t really pronounce it correct, I ended up calling him Schneesock (Schnee german for snow), sometimes. Something like snow-sock. And so he had these two names. But oh boy, could he bite. My mother probably still has some scars from him biting her legs and arms. He never harmed me and when he tried to, he always only got my clothes.

He got killed by a car where also Maxi got killed.

After that we at first had no cats present (except for some neighbor cats sometimes passing by).

Until our current one came, the first female cat on the throne.

Her previous name was Diva. Poor cat lady. Her previous owners (or where ever she originally came from) must have hurt her pure soul. She couldn’t stand other cats it seemed at first and also was aggressive. But it was only in self-defense I soon found out. We got her from a an animal care taker who searched for a new home for her. When we brought her home, she was very careful with all our things and wanted to stay with me. Sleep near me or even in my bed. I gave her the name Xenia which I found out to mean “a guest” or “stranger“, but also “guest-friendship“. And some weeks or months later, out of the messed up, scared, aggressive cat a kind, gentle and love spreading cat emerged. Probably her true nature. She still sometimes doesn’t like to eat everything we give her to eat, but only if she doesn’t really need something.

And because I originally wanted a different sounding name, we actually came to Xenia through a nickname version of it being Xusha (or other written forms). So we call her Xusha, which also means natural leader.

And also one noble woman in russia once was named Xenia. I call my cat sometimes the Tsar or Queen. Given that the previous cats were emperor, king and noble man. So she really owns and deserves her title. Because she even gave shelter to a young male cat who at first seemed homeless and helpless. But after a while, this young cat turned up against her and tried to attack her. Because he wanted the house for himself. Which did hurt her pure heart again and made her hurt and scared again. I knew he wasn’t good, months before my mother noticed it as well. I saw it in his eyes. The same my father has. Ironically this cat now gets food from my father.

I called him Murry, which means “bitter”, but I actually just meant the sound he made. Some kind of grumble, which in german is “murren”. And so I called him after this sound Murrie (which leads to clever and funny) or Murry. But he only had this nice facade like my father. Just today this Murry attacked my beloved Xusha. While my father called it being natural… Probably for him and his nature… thanks dad… thanks for nothing. Sometimes I still think that he isn’t really my dad. That I might be a child without a human father. Even his own mother didn’t think he could get a child. So yeah… I am still here… woooo.

And no, I won’t tell my father’s name for now. Because he didn’t have a role in my life for the most part. Well, except for his torture, physically, mentally, psychologically. And I don’t want to call this name for now. It is enough to know, that I sometimes saw the devil in person when I saw him.

Given that he is sadly my neighbor, the devil is my neighbor, it seems.

Today he did cut one branch of my last fully alive tree. He had no right, but he thought that the branch was in the way. The branch was there the last decade if not longer and no one had a problem with it. And it is my property after all. If I (being now bigger in height than my father) had no problem walking under it, then why should it be a problem. Poor cherry tree, what did he do to you… The other tree he completely killed, is only a bare tree trunk. Given its form, I called it “finger of God”, as some kind of sign.

And before you say something. I tried to talk with my dad so many times, tried to hug him, even today. Told him what good things he could do with his life and what I saw in him, his artist side. But instead he always tries to control me and my mother. Tries to destroy all we have and break our spirits and did many times. Each time I thought, I might be able to help him, I got hit back and hurt hard. He wants to be this way, but he is my neighbor and doesn’t understand what it means. He always does everything in the excuse of “helping” us. While he just makes things more difficult or simply destroys and manipulates. What a mess…


Okay, so I never was completely alone, but stood alone in battle for the most part. Because around me, everyone seemed to go mad or dead (inside). Only the animals I could trust or my imagination or my computer.

And well, I didn’t show you my current form. But maybe soon. Given that the later pictures usually showed me being ugly, with fake smiles or dumb masks. If I want to show me how I am now, I will probably have to take a new picture soon. We will see.

The further I go, the better it gets. Also scary from time to time, but the love and magical things I see and experience, are far greater. Thank you for your time, I hope you are safe and you weren’t too bored or exhausted reading all of these things. (I know it is a lot, meaning, a big big pile of words on words on top of essays in a blog full of all kinds of meaning)

Love you guys! May the love be with you! 💓💛




(By the way, did you know that “Donald” actually means “Ruler of the world”? Just think about it.)



There is a war to fight, a war on going since the beginning of time.

And you started fighting it, while you didn’t even know it or knew the impact of your actions. What could be and what we will make, do and be.

We are so much more.

We thought we had to obey the rules, but at some point we forgot that we didn’t want to follow them forever, didn’t want to follow them for real.

We forgot who we are. So fight your battles, within, to win the war without.

Let us help you, let me show you, what you are fighting for.

It is life, you are literally fighting for your life and it is love. Because without love there is no life. Never will be, not real life.



I knew I couldn’t win alone. But where many flames live, a fire will burn. No fire to destroy, but a fire to burn evil and set free the souls. Your body is only a cage, if you let others control it. But you are the master of your senses, master of your cells, thoughts and powers. I don’t know all your powers, for I am just like you, in a way. I don’t know all there is, I don’t have all the answers. But I know together we will find them all. But it never stopped me from getting the result. Eventhough I didn’t have all the answers, I knew the answer I needed. And it was love, it always was.


It doesn’t matter whether you are great or small. Wheather you are the great grand master of all time or just a small student drawing circles. If you have no heart, no love, then it all is worth nothing. But if instead you do it all with love in your heart. Even the circle could become a victory greater than anything you imagined. Love opens doors, fear closes them.

Sometimes I think, I might conquer the world, before my father will learn to love and see the love surrounding him. We will see…



Some melodies only make sense when put together. Like words build sentences. Like sentences make books, page after page.




“… but love is old.” And so this won’t be the end. Wasn’t meant to be the end.



TO BE CONTINUED