Okay…

I have to delete this blog.

It only supports people who think in a certain way about me.

I can only hope it somehow helped someone. But I think the music probably helped more than a single word I wrote. If even anything helped at all.

I always was right when I thought, that I shouldn’t speak or share what I think. It would either be misunderstood, thought to be crazy or something like that. So far I was right about it and therefor I should have done this in the first place. I should have stayed with stories, with poems or just silence.

Understanding others (at least I hope I did) only helps for some time it seems and so there isn’t much use for me after all.

I hope you are all doing okay out there, I really have to force myself to stop with this. It is pointless after all. I know what I know, I know what I don’t know and I know that I sometimes was fast with a conclusion. But because you don’t know what I know and you can’t think my way, I guess it is not important after all.

If my existence would be erased, it wouldn’t be noticed because there isn’t really much people would remember anyways. All they know about me is a fake smile, a silence and maybe some stories they believe about me. For example the story that I wanted to be an IT specialist. I never wanted that, but because I had no other choice, I told that I wanted it, so people would think that everything is okay. I actually always wanted to do my own think. My own company, supporting others like me or who are also not heard, to reform the world. But instead I got weaker, got more depressed and gave up. I probably would have been thrown into a mental hospital anyways.

So I thought, why is it that some people are called genius now and others are crazy? Then I found out that these people also were called crazy, dumb or else when they actually lived or at least for a long time. And then who knows who is crazy and who is not?

Serial killers usually are thought to be good people by everyone else who sees them, while they do whatever do they in secret an no one notices a thing. At least often not or not in a long time. But someone who just can’t stand it that everyone is out to push them around, bully them and let’s them down, is “obviously” a bigger threat. Because they are unwanted, not always positive and therefor no use. While the serial killer usually is a good citizen, maybe helps the neighbors out, gives everyone a big smile and maybe even donates some money. Whatever helps to keep up a good image. So the serial killer must be a great being, a need being and everyone likes them. But I bet people like me who are not able to really be part of society because society only hurt them most of the time, we are the actual problem. So we have to change, get medication, get therapy until we accept that we can’t have our own will. While the serial killers (and alike) are smiling, laughing taking whatever they want, while others think that they are so good people. What a wonderful messed up world.

I can’t support society because I am here for those who are also not part of it or can’t seem to fit in. So whoever wants me to be part of society of the system or whatever, I can’t really help them. Because they wouldn’t help me. I would only be told to get help, but I can’t help for something which I helped myself with. I realized myself that I wouldn’t want to be a monster. I realized myself that I wasn’t a monster, but could have become one. I realized myself as a child that there was so much color in the world, as well as darkness devoring it. I need no one to tell me that everything is bright, when I see people getting raped, tortured and killed in other places or even here.

I am crazy just for thinking that money is causing pain.

So then call me crazy, for thinking too far, for knowing too much.

If someone would tell you that you should buy gold, you would probably buy gold. And if someone would tell you that cheese is the best when you have cancer, you would probably believe them. I mean if they seem real and honest of course. And then how should you know? Most people just want to sell you something in order to get power. Some people then maybe actually want to help, but yea…

Most people get fooled, until they fool themselves. And then people like me are called crazy because I know that most people in the end are either not thinking far enough or take advantage of these people. One way or another.

For example these days it is very common to find a lot of therapists, psychiatrists or such people. There might be some who actually want to help and then actually help. But a lot of them either have no idea themselves about what they are doing or just want your money.

This is why I can’t work for money because I know that it is not about the money, but the people and actually caring for them. The therapist with the highest degree, highest price, how should you know that they will actually help you in the end? In a world in which we would just have good people, of course everyone would be trustworthy and would then help you. And then I would also not have too much problems with money because everyone would actually have control over the system. But because we are not in such a world, I know that there is a higher chance to get tricked than actually an honest interaction. But there of course is the chance to find people who are honest and then help them or they could find you. It is possible, luckily. Sadly it is more common that you will find people who are either confused themselves or even just want to suck up your last energy, convincing you that it was your own fault. I have seen enough…

Did this blog really help anyone or is now even the last human on the planet thinking that I am just a crazy idiot who believes what he says?

I guess it is easier to accept that people think I am a crazy idiot, than to believe that there could be people who don’t think this way. Because from my experience I can’t really trust people, only when it feels right and even then it could be wrong.

The good thing is, that I have nothing to lose, but I also don’t want to help people who want to take advantage over others. Sadly a lot of what I wrote could be used for this purposes because of the various ways in which you could interpret my words. Therefor I might actually supporting the people I warned you about. I guess it makes no difference, whether I write or not write. So I prefer to not write because it would not help my enemy.

With each word you say, the enemy knows more about you.

Can learn from you and therefor get stronger and find more arguments against you and ways to eliminate or discredit you. To make you do whatever they want. I know how it happens from my experience with my father. He is such an “image” person. Giving everyone presents, plays the nice guy who either needs help or helps. But then when people actually want his help, he often refuses because of his “imporant” things to do or his health. While he usually just does things on my property no one asked for and actually I said him thousands of times to not do anything. Still he does what he wants… and because he already has control over these things and there also is my mother between the fronts, I usually just give up now. As always. Because whenever I try to tell him what he does wrong and what he could do instead, he tries to convince me that he only wants to help. Or even says: “Would you do it?” about things he actually started to do and now wants to be done. And I obviously wouldn’t do it. So he wins either way. Because would I say “No.” he could say others that I refuse to do something. When I say nothing, he also thinks he is in the right. When I say “I would”, but then wouldn’t he would later tell me that I lied. When in reality I just had no power and also felt it to be pointless because many of these things are. Like cutting the grass for no reason. I mean you can sometimes cut it, but not each week, not to a point where it burns brown or yellow. And I mean I don’t even enjoy my garden because of him almost always being present. Because he doesn’t go to work. Would I at least be safe inside, but sadly he has a key for this house. And would I change the locks, he would probably find a way in anyways or convince other people again that his “evil” son just wants everything for himself while not doing anything. The same father who didn’t allow me to do anything as a child and actually wants himself everything. Otherwise he would have let me alone, me and my property. But instead he always talks outside that I got the better house, that I make let the house go down, that he has to do everything and such bullshit. It consumes me and my mothers energy and so he then can convince people that he is right, while he actually made us want nothing. My mother sometimes even supports him, because she also can’t fight back all the time. And sometimes I even fight with her sadly…

But then people will probably only read that I fight with my parents and think, that I am crazy. And they don’t remember or understand the situation. That my mother is the one who had to carry the most burden since she married my father. That whenever she tried to escaped her family and other people pushed her back. That her “holy” man (as he himself at first presented himself) is a narcississtic monster. Because he could just chill at home, drive away whereever he goes as usual. I wouldn’t care and he could do whatever he wants on his property. But instead he almost every day has to walk around my house, change something or investigate things…

But other people think that we are the monsters, that we are the sick people… thank you society. Thanks for your “care”.

One day, these people will see what they have done. Maybe one day me and my mother will be free. Until then I am probably better off hiding again. Opening my mouth usually brought my trouble, at least when I actually said what I wanted to say.

Whenever I tried to talk to my father open, explain him something and have some kind of real talk, he sometimes seemed to understand, only to some time later attack me again with whatever I said. So each time I only gave him fuel to hurt me more. I knew why I stopped talking to him when I was little. Should have stayed true to myself on this one. But instead I actually thought I could now maybe talk to him. I was way smarter when I was younger. Although I did know less. But knowing something, doesn’t mean that you are smart or intelligent or whatever. Everyone can know something. But for one it might be a basic fact and for someone else the starting point for a whole new world.



If you can make people believe that a certain behavior is crazy or sick, than you can control the world. If everyone who says something which is not part of a pattern, will be called crazy, then people would think or believe it is crazy. Therefor the one who are actually kind of crazy, could do whatever they want because their behavior would be okay according to their own rules. But like in games, there is always a way to cheat. So they at best won’t even have to cheat because they create the rules.

Therefor I have to stop writing because I will only help such people or maybe even AI at last.

I often wrote that I should probably stop, but I never succeeded. I always wanted to continue after some time. But was it my decision or not?

Because so far I didn’t really benefit from writing, which also wouldn’t be important, as long as I could help. But it feels as if both is not the case and therefor it only helps those who already have enough.



Would I not somehow forced myself to start writing, I would have never started to write these things. Share such things or at least give sources to question about. Not everything I shared has to be the way it was presented, but it gave reason to ask questions.

I trust individuals, I love individuals, but I don’t love, support or like systems which are not really made for the people. Only to a point in which they accept it to be necessary. So these things are as liberal as necessary, as conservative as necessary. Just enough to please the people or make them believe that they have freedom. When those who actually can do whatever they want, long laugh about how silly most people are. How easy it is to control whole continents, while pretending to give people a choice. It doesn’t matter who is in charge of a government because the government also needs food. If you control the banks, the corporations and therefor the market, you control the world.

You can be the best politician in the world, the best president in the world (although I usually don’t see much of them, at least not alive), but at one point you will have to follow their rules. And if you don’t think for yourself and think it is necessary what they say, you are just another puppet in the game of cards, of dollars, of yen, of euro and gold and houses and people.

A game of chess, where always the board wins because those who play, never consider the board as player. They think the board is just a map, a system in which the game takes place. But that this system might be the flaw itself wasn’t really questioned. And if so, the people either got killed, silenced, called crazy or simply convinced to think in another direction.

It is a believe system, it only works because people believe in it. As soon as all people would start understanding that it is all a big shit game, a big trick, they would probably get angry, or whatever, and wake up. But the great idea behind it, is that most people already learn early how it has to work, so that most people don’t even question it anymore. And if they do, they also only do it to some extend. And those who might really question it in an obvious and clear way, get called names, as if they were sick or dumb or weird. Easy play, easy win. As the board, you don’t even have to do much, because the other players will handle the rest for you. Once the board is assembled, the lines and fields are set, the board can just relax (meaning the ones behind the board).



People often think that a dystopic government has to look obvious. That it has to have big walls, big troops and such things. And maybe it could have at one point and had in the past. But the best dystopic government(s) are those who look as if they are not. As if everything is possible, until you reach the alpha wall and hit your face, while the developers laugh.

We are still talking about the future, but maybe we are already talking about the present. It depends on how you see it. How far you see.



As long as there are good people in every sector we still are alive. Scientists, teachers, doctors, even police. Did you know that for example in many cases in Germany police arrives from bigger stations or cities, while there even is a small police station in the town? For example in my home town, there once was an accident and me and my mother saw it happen. And instead of the local police which also had one or even two police cars at that time and at least 6 people, police from elsewhere arrived. Did it make sense, was it more efficient? I don’t know, tell me.



The same goes for handling of refugees because in my village for example we have two refugee familes. My mother sometimes talked with them and also tried to help them with some things. Then one day police came and took them away, it wasn’t the local police or if even at least only one of them I think. And then they just drove them away. Didn’t even let them finish their meal because they were just eating. And afterwards also no one cared about it. At some point someone from the town had to look after it and still found the meal on the table as well as the other things.

People in my village also gave them some things, like furniture and maybe even clothes and other things. Then a container arrived, everything was put inside it and drove away. Then two new families arrived. But people in the village then were less willing to give things away because they thought, if soon after they would all be thrown away anyways, what would be the point?

And I mean the children even helped an old man in the village with his rabbits or maybe even other things. Nice people, as well as the current families. It doesn’t matter to me from where they are because I like them anyways. And I don’t want to hear or see the current families get dragged away as well. But it will probably happen at some point.

One of the women even asked my mother whether she might know where she could get work. Because she didn’t get work so far, either because she couldn’t really speak or understand german so far or because of her headscraf. What a shame… my mother enjoyed talking with her and to my mother this woman seem very kind and helpful.

And then others say that they don’t work… wow… and others say that they are dangerous…

I know what I know. And would it be up to me, I would give everyone something to do or try to help them to get what they can and want to do. But sadly this world is cruel, bad and unfair. Sadly this world is far from good and made for fear and hate. It starts with the word illegal immigrant and ends with calling people psycho. Thank you for your honesty society, now I know what you really think about freedom.



I am lucky that we still have some kind of freedom, that we are still able to do some things. But it gets harder. When the system is in your head you are already trapped and believe it. This doesn’t mean that you have to be for the current political system, it doesn’t mean that you have to support banks or alike. As long as you simply believe some people and ignore others, you are in the system. Being left or right or in the center on the political spectrum doesn’t really matter anymore. Of course I would not support the right, but in the end I mean, it doesn’t matter because not the ruling political system is in charge. So things would maybe change, but the board stays the same. Or why did Hitler succeed for such a long time or Stalin and KGB? Or the CIA in the U.S.? Was it because they were strong or intelligent? Maybe in some way, but at some point they needed support. And so they were either working together or getting help from banks and corporations.

I am not hundred percent sure, but I think that Nazigermany probably would have failed, if they wouldn’t have gotten enough oil for their tanks and cars. Given that Germany never really was a country with a lot of oil or gas as far as I know. And german tanks even trained in soviet russia before WWII. So oil companies from the U.S. and tank training in the USSR. Interesting allies you got there Third Reich.

Do you still think that much changed?



I mean of course it looks different. The world never changes, it only looks different. – My old saying.




2 Comments

  1. No. Just no.

    Deleting is not allowed.

    Who cares what people think.

    Who cares if anyone reads.

    Do it for you.

    This is your platform. No one can take that away.

    My favorite quote is “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent .” Eleanor Roosevelt. You have not given your consent.

    Yell from the mountain tops.

    You matter

    Your voice matters

    Keep going

    You have got this!!!

    Signed your fan club

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Just thought about you, how your surgery wents and how you might feel.

      I just feel so weak, so inferior because in the world outside of my internet appearance I seem to be just a guy who sits at home most of the time. Who isn’t doing much because all feels pointless. And even if I do something, it seems wrong or when others get involved…

      And thanks for signing my fan club. 😀

      But sadly people can disappear and I don’t want to be the cause of it.

      It means a lot to read this comment of yours! 🤗💛❤️

      But life and people messed so much with my head, that I don’t know sometimes whether anything I do will make a difference for the better. It is then when I don’t even know whether I can believe my own words or whether they are even mine.

      And I have to mark “Deleting is not allowed.” It indeed shouldn’t be possible to erase a human out of existence. At least a trace should always stay. Sadly it usually will not reflect all of them, maybe nothing at all.
      I think this blog and my music, is all what at least partially expresses me. And all of it could be gone within seconds. Erased, deleted to never be seen again. And then no one would ever know who I was or what I could have made or what I wished, hoped, dreamed and wanted for everyone.

      It is scary how easy it is to forget someone.
      And also scary how often you know nothing about someone although you might have known them for decades.

      Thank you for making my dry eyes wet. ❤

      Like

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