Warrior – training, shame, motivation and understanding

(Cool title? I don’t know… I should probably hire someone to give me titles because I think the titles don’t really reflect the content. And then the content is so random or weird… I don’t know. It is my brain processing things and getting things out which need to be said. At least it feels this way.) Hehe… Oh man…

I personally wouldn’t support military, like weapons and such things.

Because it could cause problems. Soldiers, if just willing to defend their country and helping people, are not a problem. The problem is, when they don’t think for themselves. For example, when a command doesn’t make sense or goes against laws or morality, a soldier should be able to think and not just act. Otherwise, in a good military team, where people are actually brothers and sisters in arms, people can build up a lot of self-esteem and confidence. But I don’t think it would be necessary to go to the military for this. I personally think it is good to know how weapons work, how physical training works and also to learn to trust a team, a real team (and not something like these school project teams or work groups).

In an ideal world we wouldn’t need military, at least not in a way we have it now, but because so far it isn’t ideal, I won’t say it is completely wrong.

As with everything there should be a responsible behavior. So when I hear about Japan and other countries promoting military, in my ears it doesn’t sound all that good.

But what she said about, that even she survived and that it wasn’t too bad, is a good thing. It should be actually taken for most things. Maybe not nuclear plants (you know… radiation and stuff), but that in general people should know that some things might be hard, but worth it. Or at least that these things will pay off and that most people could do it. In many things, mostly work related, people nowadays get graded and valued by things which don’t always reflect their abilities. For example people like me, I can work best alone or maybe with a partner. I usually work good at night, because then it is usually quiet outside and also a lot calmer. And it should also be easier for people to make their own thing. Setting up an only shop isn’t too hard, it is pretty easy, wouldn’t there be all these paper works.

It would be great to teach such things in school, instead of topics which are either outdated, not really necessary or in the end pointless because most people forget about it anyways after they leave school. At least what usually happens, as far as I have noticed from other people.

When I want to understand something, I mean really understand, I do my research and try the things out (in case there is something to try). So instead of giving people things they have to repeat or match, it should be more like giving them the ability and show possibility of what they could do.

Usually it is more like this: “These are your grades, this is your possible outcome and here is a list of possible jobs. Take one, be happy and do it for the rest of your life. Have fun!” And then everyone gets bored, depressed or overstressed and pressured. While on the other hand, even a young boy in India did surgery after reading some medicine books. I mean think about this contrast… It just shows how the whole civilized systems are more and more broken. Don’t get it wrong, you can’t let someone who has no idea what they are doing, give control over important things. But in a way it happens all the time… and then others have to clean up the mess. You know what I mean… governments, managers, … you know…

It is so crazy that a manager can control a bunch of people, tell them what and when to work, while they themselves often have no idea what the people working are actually doing. As long as it gets done. Wow.

So, there was a reason why Napoleon (it was him, right?) changed the traditional military hirarchy for commands and such things. And this involved thinking. More people got the opportunity to think and therefor also got better results. A “mindless” (just following orders) military unit isn’t always that good. If you have clear enemy and clear goal, there shouldn’t be too much mindless people and instead it should be clear what to do. And that each or at least most people could do their part. But when necessary to do things together. For example getting across a river or building a camp and such things.

This doesn’t mean that everyone should do crap, because they felt like it, but instead do their best to help eachother out. If you first have to tell someone what to do, it might already be too late. But when it comes to things like killing people, this is a more serious thing. And no one should simply kill, if there is a better way. In case of ISIS, there usually isn’t. But when it comes to Japan, China, USA etc. there are way better ways. So a war would be the worst thing to do. We all know, it wouldn’t help nor end well. So I hope it is more about power and less about an actual preparation for war. Sadly a lot of things point towards an actually rising possibility for a world war. I still hope it won’t happen, besides all the other wars or conflicts, still open.

I actually watched this video and some other videos from him last year I think or before, but I thought it might be helpful for understanding. Because a lot of things are fake or in some way not real. It doesn’t meant that there can’t be something behind it, but yea…

So, I for myself know, that a lot of things I experienced and wrote down here were sometimes not real, while others could have been, but lack details or deeper understanding. And I know that I could seem like an idiot for many of you, trust me, I would be the first one to agree. Sadly though… because it isn’t really true, but how should I know… right?

I personally know, that I probably can’t do much against someone who really has training. But I think, that usually people don’t have such a training or understanding. And I know that some of the things I taught myself, might actually come in handy, should I get in real trouble. I would at least not go down without a fight. I personally think, that technics are great and true masters can have theirs and be great. Also like basic self-defense things, like shown in previous posts, these are useful. But if there is no will, no confidence and strength inside, these things are useless. In some cases basic-reflex might do the thing and while not really being trained, you could still get out of a terrible situation. I for myself know that usually I lose, when I think that I already lost. But when I don’t care, I sometimes won, without really noticing. Be it playing a game or doing something in school.

I had moments in school, where I had no real motivation, just wrote something because we had to write about a topic and then at the end, the teacher wanted to read what I wrote. I usually felt awkward, but the teacher was interested. Probably it was interesting, but I thought it was nothing special or even crap.

Or with programming. I thought some other people I knew, were better than me because they were talking about computer things and seemed confident. But whenever I showed some basic things I knew, they were impressed. And then I realized, that I actually knew and could do way more than them.

The imposter syndrom, the depression, the self-doubt, the image other people have when they see me. What I started to believe about myself…

I am not perfect and never really thought of it this way. I just wanted to be able to be myself, but had not much chance until I kinda lost it.

But be sure, should you sneak up on me at night or when I don’t expect it, you might end up getting hurt. I know where it hurts and it isn’t always where you maybe first expect it. So far I never was in a situation, in which I had to fully give my basic survival skills in terms of self-defense, a try, but I think it wouldn’t be funny. I have immense strength, although I never really work out nor exercise. So would I do that, I might end up even stronger. The reason for this is, that when necessary I just use all my strength. People in dangerous situations also often are way stronger than usual because then they use all their muscles and what they got. It really is a mind thing and about will. Because if you think the other one is stronger, you might lost before you started. And so I usually did put my strengths down and made myself a fool. Pretty bad for myself, but so far I am still here.

When there would be someone trying to kill me, I would probably not think all that long and simply take some action. Probably unexpected things.

It depends on the situation I would say.

If it would be just for myself, I could either run away or just go into a fight full force. Because I have nothing to lose then. I also have some fast-switch muscles, probably more than other people, but I am not sure. These are as far as I know given by birth or through genes. So some people naturally have more fast-switch muscles. This is good for runners or also good martial arts. Because if the opponent is stronger, but slower, you can out-run him or hit him faster, than he can hit back.

There are also technics to hit the enemy in the eyes or other body parts with both hands, real quick. I personally have no real technic, but I can hit fast with both my arms. Multiple hits per second. A benefit of this is, that I can also use it for massage 😀 of course without using all strength. Because my mother sometimes has a tension in her spine / back and then it seems to help. But it is a very power consuming thing to do (as you probably assumed). So after some time I have to stop because otherwise my arms want to fall off. In an actual fight, this would come in handy, if the enemy either is to slow to realize the action or already is on the ground. The slow part could actually be pretty common from my perspective. But it is risky and could be deadly. So while under low strength and also slower movement for massage purposes, with full strength and speed it could probably break bones, take the breath (targeting the lunge region) or even a heart attack (targetting the heart).

Using this kind of attack could be an all-in situation, but with adrenaline there could also be more attacks afterwards. The down side is the defense, because the defense is to attack strong and fast enough before the enemy can take harmful or any action.

You might think, that this attack could be useful and if the enemy is prepared, it might be, but still it is just an ability I got. So I just tried it out of fun when I was little (and probably hurt a friend by accident… sorry).

I mean, I also was a kid who threw two meter spears in the air, trying to catch them or hit a specific area. But before you think, wow, how did a 10 year old (I suppose I was 10 or at least something around that) throw spears? No… it weren’t actual spears and I also didn’t throw them like in the movies or how it usually is done / seen. I actually took them pointing upwards and pushing them up. Why? I don’t know, it seemed fun. It actually were some poles with a more or less sharp end, originally meant for planting beans or other plants.

At some point I also took some small axes from my grandpa (I don’t know why, but he had more than a handful of axes). Then I did place some poles in the grass ground and tried to know them down while throwing the axes. I sometimes even hit them, to my own surprise. And before you freak out, I was small and young, but I knew the risk. So whether I was 10 or 12 whatever, but I knew that it was dangerous. But I had fast reflexes back then. At least when needed.

When I was little I sometimes had to help my mother look for road signs when we were driving to relatives farther away. And I also often had to hide or sneak away from my father. So my senses were usually pretty sharp, when I felt unsafe. This means, that most people and especially children shouldn’t do something like this at home. Because there are probably some people like me out there, but most people aren’t and shouldn’t be like this. So they would probably end up getting hit by an axe, sharp wood pole or worse.

And yes, these poles sometimes hit me on the head, when I didn’t throw them right or they ended up “jumping” backwards. Sometimes it was pretty funny. And I usually imagined myself to be in some kind of battle or game, while doing these things. To motivate myself.

When I was even younger, maybe just entered elementary school, I sometimes played with ballons or these small bouncy balls. And then I challenged myself to either keep it in the air or hit keep a rythm and such things. And I rewarded myself with thought money or points. So I usually rewarded myself for doing these things. I mean, I didn’t have others to do so, so…. yea..

Because if not already (what should have been the case), you should ask, what about the parents, what about adults? Well, my mother had to go to work when I turned three and my father usually was busy doing nothing, sitting with his parents or doing “important” things, like filling rifts in the pavement… or whatever he did. I mean I could go for a walk in the forest alone, go for a drive with my bike to the town or throw axes. So he didn’t really care that much for me. And I also tried to escape as often as I could. Because each time when he catched me throwing these wooden poles or doing other things, he either punished me, yelled at me or at least it wasn’t fun. And before you think that it was mainly because of my safety… no, usually it was more about that I don’t break things. Because these poles were useful things (as if I wasn’t), not meant to play around with.

And when I wanted to cut the grass, I wasn’t allowed because of the dangerous blade on the bottom… as if I was that dumb to hold my hand inside and look what happens. Even other children my age at that point had to cut the grass and they hated it, while I wanted to.

All this nonsense. In the end it made some kind of monster, master, warrior, freak whatever person out of me, but I am still here and usually know that is okay and what isn’t. Although it sometimes wanted to flip and sometimes did for some time, so I had to sit things out and calm down again.

Nothing really shocks me, but I am sometimes weaker, sometimes stronger and sometimes just deeply broken and depressive.

Tonight I couldn’t hold myself back again from my addiction, it is still a weak spot. But I know that I can get away from it. Because I already accomplished so much. It is also less a classical addiction anymore and more an escape, when my mind gets too much negative input. Because last year and the years before I would have watched porn almost each day, probably even several times. Now it is more an optional thing, although there of course still is an attraction from all these days. It is now not a need or necessary thing, but sadly still a thing I sometimes fall back to.

It also has to do with a lack of serotonin (if I didn’t mix something up). Because if I remember correct, serotonin is necessary to make you feel happier in general and also relaxed. And as far as I know it is released during sex. This is, why it is a problem. And usually I would go for a walk now, play music, listen to music and such things to get some serotonin flowing, but sometimes it just doesn’t seem to be enough. And maybe also dopamin, I don’t know, I hope I didn’t confuse things.

But I know, that each time I do it, it is negative afterwards, but I don’t punish myself anymore or at least try to stop it, when it comes up. Because it usually was also related to guilt for several reasons. I personally think that by forcing myself to stop, it would only get worse again because I tried in the past. This year it got better, simply because I started to be more myself again and therefor not so much focused on guilt and my problems and more about how I could do something good with all of what I experienced so far.

My goal is to not fall back on it automatically and it usually works already.

Because it isn’t a habit anymore and also not a need for the most part. At least I can usually live without it, except for when my brain gets too pressured or triggered by something. Then I sometimes still get back to it.

Would I then punish myself for it, then it would only get worse again, so instead I just feel a little ashamed at first, a little frustrated, but then I say, at least it was this and nothing worse. Or I just try to relax and don’t think too much about it, because it doesn’t help.

But I sure sometimes think, how disgusting it is, at least for myself. And then I imagine how others must think about it and this at some points made me feel pretty bad. But again, compared to other people who hurt other people or risk other people’s lives by drinking alcohol while driving and such things, I should actually feel good about myself. I don’t know… At least it is a natural drug and not something toxic by nature. Still it isn’t too good.

It means, that I for example noticed that my feet get ice cold whenever I did it and I also felt kinda numb and warth. This feeling would then stay for the rest of the day or at least until I go shower and then sleep.

While I was complete addicted I didn’t even recognise it sometimes and also didn’t pay too much attention to my body in general. But it usually must have been this way.

In the past my feet and legs were often pretty cold, bad blood circulation, as well as my hands and sometimes even arms. But now it got better and if I am not intoxicated, I often even feel the normal warmth of my body in every cell. When I was little I used to think that I have the ability of an oven. Because in winter I sometimes was outside only with a t-shirt or an undershirt and wasn’t freezing. While my mother of course always wanted to give me a jacket. Sometimes I of course also was freezing, but not always.

Other people even noticed my extreme body temperatures. I sometimes had ice cold hands, so other people even were shocked. And then I had so hot hands, than I thought they were freezing.

But guess what… I know what it was or had theories, but I didn’t want to talk about it. Because when I once (probably because my mother wanted it), went to a doctor and said, that I often got felt stitches in my heart, it was said to be the growing process. well… if it was the growing process then it sure felt like knifes. But I was never really taken serious, so yea… me and doctors. I don’t really trust most of them and most of them don’t really care about me (I guess). And I also had problems to speak for several reason.

(And yes… all of this was already written several times in different forms.)

Why is it important to write it again? For me, to revalidate and also process it again. Because I really am not the typical human being. I feel more like a character of a movie or weird psychadelic horror trip roman. Or whatever.

Because I really sometimes thinks, that my life can’t be possible and my brain can’t be possible. I usually think, that I shouldn’t write about things. But this year I thought, fuck it… if it helps others, then it helps and if not… what do I have left to lose. And I mean, after having situations in which I thought I was dreaming all of this and none of you or this was real… yeah… what should I say. It can only get better for me. 😀 And maybe you as well.

And if you don’t like me… it is okay.

So far not many people did get to know my real me, all of it, be it broken bits or whatever the rest is. So people here on the blog probably know more about me than anyone who knows me in real life. Except for those of the people who now maybe also follow my blog or at least read some of it.

I just assume that they don’t like it, don’t understand or maybe are just weirded out. If not, great, but from my experience in life, I usually was the one who was the problem. Annoying, breaking a lot of things by accident, too motivated, too creative and interested. Yep… just too much to handle for basic human beings. And then I thought I was the problem. That I actually was wrong and not good.

We will see where it goes. But I hope that I can one day be with other people and don’t feel too weird and just have a good time, maybe work together, train together, play games, go for adventures, I don’t know.

But one thing is for sure, that I am so out of the norm that I don’t know.

So I am just me and I know, that I don’t know all the facts or possible solutions for given problems, but I also know, that I can’t be as stupid as other people usually saw and maybe still see me. I just kept most things in my head and tried to act normal, so that I wouldn’t get in trouble.

Sometimes I even considered myself the dumbest person in the room, so that I could calm down and forget about the nonsense. It was easier to accept that I probably must be stupid, instead of facing the stupidity of other people. But sometimes I also didn’t know anymore what really was smart and what was stupid, when in the end nothing really seemed to be important for life.

Sorry, I know these posts are long and probably annoying.

But you don’t have to read or listen. 🙂

And should you consume them, like all of it, let me know.

And should you need someone to talk, let me know as wel. ❤

Thank you for your time. I know it is a lot to ask, to ask for time these days.

💜 Love you!

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