Shining lights

What am I doing with this blog?

Do you still know what this is all about?


I am not sure who the people are who created this, bzt I can agree in so many ways. The thing is, that questions indeed have to be asked and feelings have to be valued too. But there is a difference between people being different and accepting it and not being able to speak your mind.

So for example, if everyone would say what they really feel and want etc. and then maybe at first hurt each others feelings, it could get better.

This means, that if you don’t allow yourself to be free, if you let others shape how you are supposed to think, how should you actually find solutions together?

For myself, I would say that everyone should have a right to be, but people need proper education and also different education. If you look at how school still works in most cases, teacher in front telling you what to do and think, then this is actually a problem.

Going back to Ip Man, he also did hurt the feelings of others who thought they were strong or smart. But usually he taught them a lesson and later even helped some of his opponents, when they learned their lesson. He wanted to help them and didn’t mean to break them.

We people have different ways to see the world, to interact with the world and so on. But if we don’t face some things and never fight for actual freedom and justice, we end up as mindless machines.

Sexuality, religion and other topics shouldn’t be part of education, at least when it comes to things like maths, as shown in this crazy example.

The reality usually looks different, at least as far as I know. I personally think that instead of focusing so much on who is more different or equal, we should focus on more important things. While many people fight in wild fights for their sexuality and other things, I personally would just say, let the people be, but also let us work together. Because if the whole world burned down, countries maybe start to fight wars again and the economy is down, what helps your sexuality, religion etc.? If you can’t make food out in the wild, build a house, make fire and help other people who really need help, what does the whole education help?

Not everyone has to accept everyones opinion. Otherwise we would have a deadlock situation. The point of equality for me, is that we are all living beings, all human (as far as I know) and all have the right to live. But there are still a lot of people who take advantage of others. Who take advantage of whole countries and people living there. Who burn down forests to get space for other things. Who kill or manipulate people. These are things we are dealing with. People who rape others, who hurt others.

So if people in the “civilized” world don’t understand that there are more important things, than I don’t see much hope.

I often saw that people who already had priviledge, get more priviledge and people who didn’t, were left out. But I also saw people who had nothing and did develop nonetheless into intelligent, caring and amazing people.

There is a difference between caring for others and caring about those who actually need help. A narcississt for example, can’t get enough attention, can’t get enough support. They feed on it. So they usually portrait themselves as good people, vulnerable people and also weak. But in secret they are pretty strong, manipulative and want to have an easy ride. For example my father. He also had problems in his youth, but he could have gotten out of with when he met my mother. Instead he stayed with his parents, even quit his job and did manipulate everyone, as if he was the poor and helpless man. Who of course can’t do things. But then when no one watched, he broke things, messed around with me and my mothers minds and other things. While other people after 20 years still think he goes to work… Almost everyone thinks he is a nice guy, needs help and is so helpless. But when he wants something, he always gets it and if not he can get really pissed.

My mother usually is the opposite. At first she did what he wanted, although she felt weird with him. And whenever she tried to escape, she got put back. The poor man… yes very poor… got money from his father and does almost nothing useful or productive while having all the time.

And then he complains that I don’t do things in my garden or with my house, while he so often does things here and almost forces me to do things he wants, but I don’t want, while it is my house. And he has his own property to look after. But when then I or my mother start talking about what he could do with his property, he goes into defend mode, as if we were the evil people. Usually when we are outside and there could be neighbors or other people around, who (in his way of thinking) hopefully hear it and hear how “good” he is and how “evil” we are.

I so often tried to tell him that he could start painting, my mother even wanted to give him some colors and things. Or I said, that he could maybe make things out of wood, or do other things. Then he always blocks of, refuses and says, that he can’t do it. But then of course, we have to do everything…

So, to get to the point, if there is someone who is smart, really wants to help and do things in the world, I don’t ask about their sexuality or such things.

Because the people who really suffer, usually don’t speak about things out of fear of judgement. They fear that they could say something wrong, they fear to be called crazy and other things. So if you like to be dressed like an animal, I have no problem with it, as long as you are not trying to get everyone to accept it.

What is equality for you?

I think that we have so many unsolved problems which obviously show how unequal many people are to this day, that we should first face and fight these things, instead of over-focusing on other topics.

It is good that we have rainbows, but if the rainbows only shine for whatever they shine and not face, that there are horrible truths, like war, horrible abuse usually children and women, they won’t shine long.

A hello kitty warrior of justice might be better than an ISIS fighter for whatever they are fighting for (they say God, but yea….).

I hope you see what I try to say. Because what does it help if we fear to say a word, while others tell whole stories, just to feel good.

Hurt feelings can be healed, memories usually stay, but we should stop letting us get devided. At the end of the day, I am still a man.

It is not about how unique or equal people are. For me personally, many if not all people have the chance to have a unique role, but most people just want to have an important role. Usually people who have no idea or want to control others. And people who are usually quiet, who are so confused (like me so often) and just want all of this mess to end, they are forgotten.

So instead of going on the streets and marchining either against or for equality based on genders or other things, we should go united for freedom, love and peace.

If we finally got actual freedom for everyone, no wars anymore, no military anymore and such things, then we could think about these things.

If you got hit by a bullet, the bullet doesn’t ask for what you think or how others see you, it just wants to kill you. And if someone rapes you, they also don’t ask you.

I am not against diversity, but we should set priorities.

Like Ellen Page for example. She suffered because of her being different. She supported rights for people with different sexuality, but also tried to fight for climate and other things. She had to suffer because of her being different. I also was different and I didn’t ask for it. At first I always thought I was like other people, until they started to bully me, fool me and such things. Just because I was a nice person, had a higher voice and maybe acted a little feminine sometimes. But I didn’t think about it, didn’t even notice it that much myself. I just tried to survive. And would all this activists go into areas who people actually suffer, like in some Arabic countries or in so many other areas of the world… But no, it is important to get a * symbol for diverse people.

Did it help all these women, young children and who else, who were raped, tortured and killed? Not as far as I know.

What happened to woman rights activits in some arabic countries? Some of them stood alone on the streets waving a white flag and got sentenced for decades in prison, if they couldn’t escape. These people really have something to tell, these people had the courage to fight. And they really had to fear consequences, like death and punishments. Some of them might even be scared to this day, while being at a safe place because their families are still there, from where they escaped.

And there are also so many other things wrong in society. What really is lacking, is love and actual freedom. No matter who you are, if I would see that you are in danger and I could in some way help, I would help. But if there always is this fear, people do nothing. Or they even support the fear system, in fear to otherwise get threatened as well. Like some women in arabic countries or even in some slavic communities and other countries around the world. They sometimes even support the way they get treated and what they got told is right. But for example, the burka is not even in the koran nor was it necessary. There is only something about women who got raped and then asked for help. And because they didn’t came up with a better solution back then, they decided that the women should equally cover themselves up. So that the men wouldn’t attack those who they knew were without a rich family supporting them. And nowadays it is used to harm women and control them… or in some slavic areas, men even think of women as their property as well. As if they were objects without a right to speak. So if you want to fight for rights, then go there. I would like to see all these protesters get faced with ultra conservative people. (No I don’t want to see this… but I just want to say how messed up things are.)

Everyone who really fought for their lives, really had to go through a lot of pain and injustice, my heart goes to you. And I am open, but only if other people are open too. I can’t deal with people who think that they are always right, that they always have to get everything and such things…

I hated myself for just wanting to help people. I hated myself for wishing to start a programming company or do something on my own. I almost always gave up and I hate, when people think that I want attention, that I need someone to tell me: “Oh, I am sorry what you went through.” because it doesn’t help me. I need change, not for me, but for those who still suffer, for those who are not heard, unspoken words and forgotten cases.

And I know, I probably want to much, but all I wanted since my childhood was to be gone, so that I wouldn’t have to pretend and please people. At some point I even became what I hated, a narcissist. But I guess this happens with an empath who got sucked empty. Who feels useless, broken, unwanted and forgotten. In case you understand what I am talking about, I am here for you, if you need someone to talk. And for people who think I am attacking the LGBTQ+ community or others, you have no idea. I go with nature and nature doesn’t care about these things. But I care for people who suffer. No one should suffer, although pain makes you stronger. When we could reach a point in which people could experience pain only through games or simulations, I would be happy, should I still exist. But at the moment, it actually seems more that many people already seem to be in some kind of Matrix, while the rest of us tries to survive.

I don’t know…

In the end, I will probably just write such things over and over again, until one day I think it was enough and leave… It is scary how I can be actually happy at one point and then feel like dying only minutes later. It shows how messed up everything is.

And yes, before you do it, I usually point the negative things on to me. I got used to it because other people made me think this way. Whenever I thought, that I had the right to be, I got told that it can’t be. While others could just do it. Strange world… strange world… and now I am doing something. I just hope I am not annoying you more than I annoy myself most of the time when I write something.

I think that my thought about being there for broken souls, is probably my actual purpose and to make the whole again and strong. But then I am confronted with the injustice again and that I will probably never be able to really make a difference. Luckily I see people out there hugging policeman, see soldiers saving people trapped on an island, see kurdish woman fighting ISIS. And such things. It gives me hope. And still… I hate myself for “just” sharing things here or whatever this is, what I am doing on this blog.

I just know it is a lot, that I sometimes am in a flow and that I am confronted with so much content which messes with my head. But I know, that would I be gone, the world wouldn’t be better. But I fear, that it might be worse with me.

If I would just ignore everything, what I could, than I would probably not be better as all these assholes ruling the world. A human without fear, is a human without a brain. But don’t get confused, fear should be seen as a warning and maybe a guide, but not worshiped. So people who are fearless, are actually out of their mind or they know their path and are sure about it.

So if you are faced with death, if you do nothing, or the possibility to die, if you do something, while it could get better – then you are fearless. Because you know that you have to fight and then you fight.

Fear should be controlled and not used to control us.

At some point I hope that fear won’t be a thing anymore because I know how it will feel like, to be without it. Magical times, wonderful times, should we get there.



I hope you understand what these videos are about. If not, than maybe you are already affected by it. When I talk about such topics, I personally go into very different directions. Common sense tells you that you have to defend yourself. Other people defend themselves, by attacking you. Which is actually paradox because attacking is not defending.

And I have no problem with people who are the way they are, if they are not doing it for the sake of it.

The corporations which are the real profitting ones, they don’t give a damn. And some vegan found isn’t even healthy nor good for the environment. Which doesn’t mean that you can’t eat it or I am against vegan food. But you must say, that it is pretty crazy to label an apple juice as vegan or such things. I mean, what is this? Are we now going to eat stones and dirt?

Because you do realize that forests get burned down to serve vegan food?

And I mean, vegetarians are probably more like it. But only if it is out of their own will. I still eat meat, but I can reduce it and also live without it.

Maybe not without fish though, we will see.

So, the thing is, that I just think, that many people just search for topics to fight about, while there are so many real problems, which no one really cares about. I mean, there are some people who plant new forests, who try to get dry land green again and such things. These are the real heros, while I am just a messed up loser writing things.

I don’t want anything, I want that other people who actually do things which really help everyone, that they get more support. And also that more people start thinking for themselves, ask questions (but please no unimportant questions, like: “How many cows are in Southern Germany?”) Ask questions, give people a hug and maybe let others speak who have something to say. Not only those who scream the loudest or have the best appearance.

I can die, if I know that the system didn’t win. And that the oppressors didn’t make us into mindless machines, thinking there is freedom, while all there is, is passive control.



And I mean, about the reality of the videos above, someone I know just wrote “I don’t support LGBTQ+” and then got banned from some website/network. Luckily they later realized what they did and apologized. Because she just said her opinion, but didn’t say she was against people supporting it or the whole thing in general. Nor am I against it, but it is fuel for so much hate and unnecessary problems, while others who might actually suffer from being different, still suffer in silent. So the videos are sadly more realistic these days. Sadly. At it makes me go crazy… because I just wanted that people stop the wars and instead we are fighting even more… progress… progress…. pro aggressive? I don’t know…

I just want that those who work hard and get little, those who are fogotten, that they are cared about. Those who suffer in silent for whatever reason, that they are not forgotten. They need people who build them up, give them time and love and help them to find a way to live. What does it help to scream at people… attack people… it only causes more hate and problems.

Please flower people… please make it stop.


The love I am talking about is something you can’t find while walking through colorful gardens. The love I found is only found through a walk through hell. I don’t let people down who aren’t let themselves down. But I won’t wait for people who just don’t want to think for themselves or wake up.

So when I would have the chance to get away from my father, I wouldn’t wait. Because he had over 20 years and didn’t really change. My mother instead got weaker and weaker and more broken. She doesn’t deserve this and she knows better. But we are trapped for now.

So I am not sorry for my father and other people who maybe wanted me to be a cetain way. I was way too long trapped inside my own mind. Because when I was me, it was not okay. And I didn’t even know why.

Right now I just want to delete my blog again… because I feel as if I am still not really able to be me and I hate to write, that I hate to write. And I hate to write that I write about wanting to delete this blog. Because I know how it could seem. I know too many things… it breaks me. It doesn’t help me because I can’t change the world I guess. While it tries to change me and always tried. Be it people, media or situations. No wonder I feel like a burden… and writing more about it makes me think it even more. Because this way I am creating an even bigger burden for both you and me.

It is as if I am complaining, while I know that it doesn’t help.

And then doing things also doesn’t help. And so I am stuck again.

So I continue writing because there is not much left to do instead.

Because most other things are either too complicated nowadays or feel this way now.

It kills me, I want it to kill me, but I know that this time I have to stay strong. Because I am not meant to die yet. And then how should I know, right? It just is a feeling… but again, if I would know for sure, that my existence would make the world worse, I would leave. But it seems to be the opposite.

I am just me… and who are you?


Smart people who struggle are never enough for me.

But people who just want to talk about the weather or people… I can’t stand it, sorry.

I want to talk about serious things and when I want to help someone, then with all I got. This is why it hurts so much, when it often seemed unimportant in the end or no big deal, while I put my heart into it.

The more it happened, the less I wanted to help.

But the problem was, that I wanted to help people who had enough help already. Or that if not, I did myself down for them.

It is not good to let yourself down, for others.

This is why I am here. To show those who are silent, that there is someone who would probably do anything, would I just know what it is, what I need to do. At some point I might just do something, like driving down a road and then helping a man who needed a ride home. Such random things.

Intuitive and instrinctive actions. Using my senses and mind instead of what others would do or think is normal or okay.

No matter who comes to me or maybe needs help, I will try my best to help, but only if I feel that it is okay for me as well. And usually it is, but if someone just wants a free help or easy solution, without caring for how I feel inside, then I can’t help. But I usually feel it in the first seconds or minutes. And most people weren’t people who wanted to take advantage of me.

I think if people would train together, for example martial arts, like Wing Chun, because theywant to survive, this actually is love. But not if it is under pressure or judgement. You really should watch Ip Man, at least the first three parts.

It should be serious, but also fun and give you strength. So that you and those you want to defend and love won’t be lost. And look at the people there, they were working together, fighting side-by-side and training together as well as having a good time. This is what we need and not this pressure, control and fear systems we got.

This is the good stuff. But when you get into these things, usually there is a lot of pressure and such things. But with this man, it is an honor, it is fun and also cool. And the humor, as well of the tragic of these movies. Just masterpieces.




2 Comments

    • I never have a problem with that. 😀
      That is why I sometimes have to joke about things myself, so me and my mother can laugh a little.

      Liked by 2 people

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