Things are far from okay

(And what am I doing here?)

I think in general, that at the end of the day, we are our best health advocate. So instead of getting people all productive, pumping them up with medication and things, it should be more about what people actually need.

Of course there are good reasons for medication at some points and in some cases I of course also got medicine. So I am not one of these, it is all bad people. I just think, that medication should, if even, only be used as support or some kind of helping hand. And then actual “help” or support would be given. For me this support would be in form of: Not scaring, pressuring and generalizing young people.

So many people, especially during this year, discovered that there were so many things wrong. Or that they also knew a lot better about some things than others, who should actually know about these things.

Mental health and the brain are some serious things. But alone this whole diagnose process and then the medication and other things… I mean, how does someone know what is inside you, without really knowing what actually is inside you?

Sometimes I think that (of course not all, but way too many) doctors and people in the health care system, decide on typical behavior or data. So as if people were machines with a specific set of possible bugs. And that they could fix them, by simply looking at them.

But I as someone who is also into programming know, that it isn’t this simple. Sometimes there are bugs which are so random, that you have to understand the hardware you are using. Because some bugs only appear on some hardware or only on specific events etc.

So you sit there, look at the code and think: “What the heck is going on here? I simply wanted to do xyz…” only to find out that the code you were using was pretty old and not working properly on new hardware or only on some of them.

The same goes for us humans, only that we are even more complex, way more complex. And so the thing is, that we are not intended to all work in the same way, which doesn’t mean, that some people are meant to suffer. But sadly, even with all this so called “help” they still do or at least partially.

So why not start searching for different solutions?

Some medicine could help maybe, with processing some things without getting too stressed out, but medication is not the solution for mental health. Medication in my eyes is only a way to block or partially lower problems, while actually ignoring them. Like turning off the alarm, pretending that the problem is fixed.

What actually should happen in my eyes, is – what she also said – some form of guidance. So that people would have someone to talk to and explore themselves in a save way. That they would know, they are save, no matter what happens. Not everyone is meant to be productive all the time and in general these days it would be way more useful to actually reduce productivity. What do I mean with this? I mean, we often hear from people without jobs and such things. So, why not make everyones lives easier and reduce work time per person or even the whole concept of traditional working times and instead give everyone the possibility to work where they want.

Trusting in people and showing people that you trust them is very important. Giving people a second or maybe third chance is also important. And giving them love and showing empathy.

If people will mental health problems or in general health problems, would get this kind of support, I bet most people would get actually comfortable with themselves again. Maybe even heal better or completely.

It is like with head ache as well, if you take a pill or other forms of pain killer medicine, you don’t feel the pain anymore (if lucky). But the actual problems gets ignored, while you might think “Oh great, now I can do my work!” (I know there is sometimes necessarry things to do, but it is not about that). And if some people do this almost every day, it might ends them up getting addicted to the medication. Because at some point the brain might actually want the medicine and at worst could instead of healing, develop stronger routes towards receiving medicine.

This is of course not always the case and there are many different things. I simply thing that at the end of the day, way too many people are left alone in some way. Or left in some way dependent on someone or something, which usually costs a lot of money as well.

Would it actually be a fair world, these kind of things would be free or at least common “resource”, so that no one would have to be scared to be left out or maybe not get needed medicine. Because in general (not only mental health) there are many people around the world and also in the western world who have problems getting their medicine paid.

It is like a circle, you have a serious problem, in order to “hopefully” get help, you need money. For money you usually need to work. Work usually makes the problem worse. Then you get the medicine and have to continue working, while you should also take care of yourself. And so on…

What do we have in the end? Usually more problems than before and the original problem was maybe not even understood nor solved.

This is how health care and especially mental health seems to work in many cases. And we are talking about well known things, or at least in my eyes well known things, most of the time. Of course, if you have a rare type of cancer or any other sickness, there can’t be a quick and easy solution. But with things millions of people have to deal with daily, you should think we would be better than that.

The thing is, that constant productivity or the need for productivity is actually bad. And a lot of people know or at least experienced that. So why don’t we lower this need for productivity and instead try to relax more and maybe find through daydreaming or other joyful activities solutions for problems.

Of course, for example nurses and doctors working right now, are very busy. But we have so many people around the world, why do they all have to focus on the optimization of toys, can food and marketing (to oversimplify it)?

Who said, an engineer can’t help with mental health problems?

Who said, that people with basic paper work jobs, can’t solve complex problems, when given the opportunity?

I mean, Albert Einstein was also “just” a lazy man who was bored of paper work. No one expected him to do great things nor that he was in some way highly intellectual. So you have to wonder, whether you might also be able to do similar things. If everyone would try to help solve real problems and important problems, like psychological warfare, to get people motivated and strong, instead of lonely and pessimisitc. Man, this earth would be the best planet in the whole galaxy. 😀

This is how I usually feel about my life. Except for the killing others part.

It is more that I wish that I would just be sure that I am wrong and could just give in. But sadly I know, that I can’t be wrong with everything. And that sadly, maybe too many things are actually the way I see them.

It is so painful, that I can’t really trust myself or at least be sure when I really know something. The only I thing I know for sure, that I was smarter than most people when I was a kid. And that, I ended up stupid and broken.

Too a point where I believed that I must be wrong about anything.

It held me back from speaking in school, from talking in general with people. Because I was too smart for it all and sadly to broken to be sure about things. Even when I knew the right answer or knew better than someone else, I would either agree with the other one or say nothing.

Because I thought, what does it matter… everyone knows better anyways.

And the thing is, that now it could actually be right in some cases, but I am so far gone sometimes, that I don’t even know whether something is a joke or not. These days people joke about their death, while inside it might be serious and in the end they all laugh and continue their daily work.

This is not a world I want to live in, not a world in which I can exist. And still I am here… my mother shouldn’t have wished me to be a blessing for everyone around me. Because in a way it seems to be true. At least for those who feel alone or incomplete in some way. I know it is worth it, when through me things will change for the better.

But I am so powerless myself because I am overwhelmed by the pain of the world and that my father is the way he is. Whenever I get a good day, when I released all collected pain and processed it into positive things, even he seems to get better, as well as my mother. She always has to get up and work, eventhough she also is very powerless and I couldn’t do that anymore. While my father sits at home and does nothing most of the time (except for useless or unnecessary things).

Writing here especially during the last week made me again feel bad about myself. I thought that I must seem stupid, act stupid and or crazy. That people who like me here, wouldn’t really like me, would they see all of my life. That it might was right to not talk because I might actually just be a lost case. And that no one really thinks that I mean things serious. And then I also think that people probably think, I don’t take serious topics serious, while I sometimes cry my heart out because of these things. Sometimes feel like a ticking time bomb because of the injustice…

And each time when I read, that everything is alright and everything will work out fine, I think… I know. I know. But until then, could I please play dead? Because whenever I can’t fight through the pain, I feel like a sword or needle is stuck in my stomach. As if skin would be so thin and fragile, that just accidentally hitting against the table or door could cause me to bleed.

And I know, that I could handle all of this so far, without any medication. And I also know, that the medication, should I take some, wouldn’t take away daily problems. So I could simply take any kind of legal drug and would get a similar effect. Knowing this, I never consider it and also don’t want to go to any kind of therapy etc. (but these things are just for me personally). If even the psychologist says that I am basically doing his job, when I described my situation and people around me, 2015 in the rehab clinic.

They all obviously couldn’t help me and I knew that they couldn’t.

I was too smart of all of this and the thing is, that I figured out what actually was wrong because of all these weird things. But yes… no one seems to listen or understand. And even if so, then people probably expect me to fix it. But how should I alone do that? (And then people say, that I am not supposed to save the world. As if I wanted to do it alone… I never wanted that and always wanted that there would be others who would do it or maybe together with others) But then it always seems this ways at last… that I am actually alone. And then I say to myself, that this can’t be, but everything points towards it. Everything says, you are the only one who understands these things. And then I say to myself, that I must actually be crazy, insane, stupid and just someone who can’t admit that he is a burden and out of his mind. Not doing much, just wriing and trying to help people, by letting them know that they are not alone.

Everyone who wants to help me personally, won’t be able to, because the problems which would be necessary to be fixed in order to help me, are outside of me. And would they be fixed, I wouldn’t need any help because I am not all that broken after all. Would I know for sure, that what I do is really important, really helpful and not the opposite, I would probably get up each day with good mood. Knowing I am an important part.

But because no one is there who can really say that, I have to say it to myself, but it doesn’t always work.

It feels so horrible, knowing that each decision I make, could cost someone’s life, could make people feel good or bad. It is horrible because I know, it is true. And if someone would say, that it isn’t, then I would say: “If you want to change with me, take it, but take it all. I am most willing to give it all to you.” And I bet, people would refuse.

I also think, that I must be an interesting case to study because I don’t think that I could be easily put into any kind of category. I personally tried and found some things to be possible and likely to be true. But I don’t really believe all that much in diagnosing people for disabilities. I would say, that people have different ways of perceiving the world and therefor could need different ways to support them, but not to make them all work similar in a way.

We are born different for reasons. Not everyone has to be a productive worker. We also need creative thinkers and peaceful decision makers. Not everyone is born for full-time jobs and all these things. Not where I come from, not where my mind went.

And so I do what I do here because this is what I seem to be able to do, besides making weird music, programming (should I find the motivation again) and many other things.

I do this because it was said, that if one notices a problem, the one might be the one to find a solution. Sadly I found this:

And almost each time when I write something, in the back of my head I think things like: “I hope I don’t hurt anyone. I hope it was not stupid what I did. I hope I didn’t make things worse. I hope, I gave hope and not more despair.”

And then I want to vomit or just delete it or run away.

At least, when I couldn’t find my strength that day.

On days when I have my strength, all things seem to turn out good and I have no doubts nor fears or whatsoever.

Life thought me, to always expect more pain to come.

And when then someone says: “Life is what you make it.”

Go tell this all the people who got tortured, abused, hurt and forgotten. Go tell them, life is what you make it. Because they sure didn’t want to make it this way.

You can always try to turn things into something positive and I am actually a master of this kind, when I am myself. But then I might actually be so optimistic, that people could again think that I might be out of my mind. And then I probably am because I am not sure whether one mind alone can actually think about all these things, mine sometimes does, at the same time.

And again, I don’t want to kill anyone or anyone to die. At least not die like this, not like it happens way too often.

And usualy I take songs personally, especially when there is something in them, which makes me feel bad about myself. For example the last one.

It gives me the feeling, that I am “just like everyone else” and then even worse because “everyone” else at least works or does something useful. At least what is seen as such, not like writing things without getting money.

And I even point things on me, which in the end probably aren’t even true. As long as there is something which could in some way mean me.

But on the other hand I know, that not all of it, maybe most of it, isn’t me and isn’t true about me. And still I do it, so that I could feel good about the death wish I got. So that I could make it reasonable to feel this way.

And on the other hand, this music helps me. It is complicated. I should probably say, that the people singing, hearing their voice, seeing their eyes and appearance. Feeling what they must feel, it helps me.

It is like healing myself some day and hurting myself another day.

Sometimes I enjoy listening, sometimes I listen to bring myself down.

In many of my posts I for sure did have some mistakes, for sure wrote something not fully correct or sometimes maybe even totally wrong.

But would everyone be so strict, then we should probably all stop living because each day we could make a mistake. And if one mistake would be the end, then all of what we do is a failure. But it isn’t and so we all should love each other. Mistakes are possible, but without making mistakes in the trial to find a solution, we will never find it.

I heard the word job way too many times. But what about simply starting a business? We all probably should have done that. I mean, I tried to sell self-made ladders for chicken and a crapy bird house when I was in elementary school. Wasn’t the right things, but I sure had the spirit to motivate people into doing things and also doing things on my own. Knwoing that I wouldn’t be able to survive as an employe, because I was a freethinker and creative inventor, I gave up because I couldn’t do it all on my own.

And well, I am 22 and knew at least around 10 years ago, that the system is rigged, not really working and that I for sure won’t want to trust those controlling it. For me it was clear, in elementary school, that life would only get harder and more painful, the older I get. And while I hoped to be wrong, here I am. Almost died because I couldn’t take the pain any longer. This partially numb and partially feeling all kind of thing.

This year was in a weird way, the best year so far. Because finally, I didn’t feel so alone with all the misery and pessimism about the future. And again, I myself am probably one of the optimistic beings you will every find. Sadly so optimistic, that I started to didn’t care about anything. But really, I am optimistic. It is only hard to be optimistic, when there is no one you can share the optimism with. I have always a solution and when I don’t have one, I am open for suggestions. Because everyone can come up with suggestions and maybe get a solution themselves.

This year is the best time to find these lost or maybe never developed abilities.

(And when can I finally shut my damn mouth / writing? …)

(It is all a set game… don’t try to win.)

But I can’t give in again now, might be the last time. If I give in or up again this time, I guess I am lost forever.

Interestingly, when 2008 economic crisis happened, I was still in elementary school and I guess it also was one of the factors why I knew how my future would look like. But not only because of it, but also for all these other reasons. All these corrupt people, systems and corporations, trying to get us into worker slaves.

School of course told me about the possibility to start a business, but it never really was promoted I think. And if even, was said to be a hard thing to do. But work was also hard… so game over I thought. And I knew, that those who had businesses, real estate etc. that they weren’t doing all that much hard work in the end. I knew that by making others pay the price, I could get rich. But I just wanted to be me and live. Make cool things, help people and just be able to do it. Without the need for all this paper work, money, pressure and certificates etc.

Everyone said I needed those… I gave up.

Why am I still going this time? I think only because I know that I already got in contact with too many people and that I helped them in some way. At least some. So would I stop what I am doing here now, I might actually have no reason anymore to go on. Because there is not much I need or want. If I would know that some people would accept me the way I am and I would maybe have to make food for them all day or something like that. I guess, I would do that. Or something else.

All I wanted was to help the way I wanted (without payment, without papers, just whenever something was needed) and being able to be me and do what I want, with the rest of the time. And both was cancelled, said to be wrong or impossible.

I guess that I probably won’t survive too long, when this pain gets stronger and stronger. I fight it, but it keeps coming back. At least I feel it again because before I didn’t even feel it anymore. It was so on drug because of masturbation, porn and playing games. I am easily intoxinated, sometimes I am even intoxinated just by staying with people who actually had alcohol or something.

I am so highly sensitive sometimes, that I even started to hear frequencies no one recognizes. But not always. Sometimes I even feel less, not even when something should hurt or whatever. So it is as if I even feel electricity and such things. Where really is the limit of a HSP? And what am I really? Sometimes I think, that I am a collection of everything, at least everything problematic, hard and painful, as well as creative, powerful and magical.

But then I say to myself, no, it can’t be, you can’t be this smart or powerful, you must be crazy, you must be imagining these things. Must be telling yourself lies, so you can feel a little better. What do I know… sadly too much. And what can I do, I fear also way more than I thought when I was younger.

It scares me, but also gives me hope, if only I would know that it is real. That I will be able to laugh about all this mess I went through one day and say it was worth it. So far it was only for it for others who hopefully feel better because of me. For me, it wasn’t worth so far. Because the older I got, the more painful things got, the less intelligent I felt and probably got and the harder life seemed to be. I of course didn’t do enough because I played games to distract myself from the future I saw coming. But I guess, you can’t hide forever. I hope I will at least give others the light I never really saw. Well I saw it, but thought it was impossible.

And yes… I am writing this again and again…

I hate it. I hate that it needed to be this way because it made me so self-destrctive.

While this year my optimism came out again. It doesn’t mean that I am well or a happy person now.

It means, that I finally feel almost everything and sometimes even way more than I should. It means that I hope for a better future again, but I know it will first go worse.

And it sadly also means, that I still think about dying at least once a week, if not still most of the days. But this year I can say to myself, that people out there actually need me. That I am actually needed for who I am and not just for what others want me to be.

Still, I have to fight it each time and would all people I found this year go against me. I think it would be my end. Because I live because of them and for them. If they wouldn’t be, why should I be? So far no one really understood me anyways (I mean at least before I started to write open.)

It is pretty weird, but way too often this year I felt like every failure, as well as every super hero. And then I stood there in the dark forest, knowing that I will probably never be fully recognuzed, fully known or understood.

That others might be searching for answers, for solutions I already found, others before me already found. All long forgotten, never spoken about or only from a few. Until everyone laughed about it, laughed it off and continued business as usual. One soul less under the living. One soul less.

What do people want, what do they believe, what do they really want?

Had they ever a chance? Had I ever a chance? I give it another try.

Because if I let others down, I am guilty when they die. And then… what do I do? All I am doing is writing with them, maybe talking. And sometimes I try to help with a problem. But in the end, I seem to be the biggest problem, sitting here, while everyone could need, what positive is in my mind or whereever it comes from. But I can’t give it to them. Even my music seems to be hurting. So much pain…

Maybe I am just the one for all of you who can’t speak for themselves. To give you power, to give you a voice. Because otherwise we all won’t survive.

I guess that it will be alright after all.

In order to not be alone, I am there for everyone. So I won’t be alone because I could be there for everyone who needs someone.

And all of this is way beyond myself. Would you have asked me about this last year, I would have probably thought, that you must be talking about someone else. Because I would have felt ashamed for myself, scared to death for sharing what is on my mind. And also to harm others, get confused about wrong or right and other things.

I would have never done such a thing. So maybe it isn’t all me, after all.

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