Seco|ird class

What do a black man, a woman in a wheel chair, someone with mental illness and an old tired man have in common?

… Did you expect a joke or something funny?

They are all human beings, oh… and they are allowed to work.

You heard it, they are FREE to work. Life, safety, love and all that shit… no, no, freedom means WORK! And everyone can work and so they should, like the labouring people they are. Except for some people, because someone of course has to give them the possibility to work. So nice and god-hearted beings, what would we do without you.

I hope you know that this was critic on the system or how it seems to be in most areas of the world. You can call it communistic, capitalistic, monarchy, you name it. But if the people in charge, or the people having those cool things called corporations, money and an army of people supporting them, well… you know what I mean.

Because we are indeed all human and sorry for speaking up like this in the beginning. It is a little more difficult in reality, but the message is overall the same. Working people usually lose, especially those who care and take things seriously.

My mother watched an old episode of a german talk show, where they have different topics or themes each time and then different people share their stories. Nothing too special, I guess.

And there was this one man who told a story about him simply doing his job and what happened to him because of it. This man worked for a weapon producer here in Germany, so it is a serious story already. And it happened around 2007/08. This man knows that weapons are produced to kill, but he personally believed in the protection or simply didn’t think too much about it when he worked for the company. He even made some inventions for them and worked around 25 years in this sector. So he knew what he was doing. Then he got a new position as a quality validator.

He checked the GS36 modell they had prepared and was serious about the safety. When he checked the parts he found out, one of the parts wasn’t legal / valid because it wouldn’t have withstand the heat after some shots.

He then of course let all of it check and made a proper report and all, but when the company he worked for found out, they didn’t pay attention and collect all the already produced weapons. No, they actually called this man crazy, threw him out and wanted him to be checked by a psychiatrist.

But this man did not go there and instead called his lawyer and some other people, to support him. And this was a serious thing.

Because at some point there was an accident with one of these weapons, which where not taken back. Some german soldiers had an accident, I think while training in winter. And then they tried to get these people blaimed for not following the rules and that probably a mistake on the soldiers side caused the incident. And told something about snow in the gun and such things. At least this man who knew what was going on, could somehow contact the unit and tell them that it really wasn’t their fault.

I mean, the court was involved, probably some politicians because they know about the weapon exports and production and support it (by not doing something against it at least) and of course the corporation producing. And who should have been blaimed? A long working, honest man and a bunch of soldiers who had no idea what they had in their hands.

This is Germany my people. A state where everything is possible indeed.

And I don’t want to start to talk about how in Germany produced weapons or parts for weapons get then exported near critical areas or regions who maybe shouldn’t get weapons at all. (I mean, I personally would erase all weapons, if I could, but sadly I can’t.)

So yes, Germany is a peace loving country, we hate it, when people from countries we either helped getting bombed or in other ways harmed enter our gates. We say we want to save the world and make it greener again, while building weird things and harmful chemicals. Yes. Germany is a country which had a rich history. And no, not everyone living here is like this. Here live people from many cultures and origins. But these people are not the problem and I personally think that some of the refugees are better germans than some of the people who claim to be german. What I mean is, that I for example know some people who come from afghanistan and then worked here as soon as they could. To help their families and also have their own living. One of them even got told by his own father that he should give him more money and not waste it on women and things, while he actually didn’t do any of this. He is a very kind, nice and cool guy. In my eyes too good for this country or maybe this world. Even the bakery he worked for wanted him to stay, after the authorities tried to fly him back to afghanistan. And so far he could stay and hopefully can stay forever, in case he wants to. And then I see some people on the streets waving weird symbols and shouting mean paroles etc. against people like him.

I personally think, these people either have too few work to do or nothing better to do with their time and probably have not enough brain power alone, so they need to stay in big groups, to become a worthy enemy for people like me.

And sadly also some good or mederate people fall for these guys with their “Ausländer raus!” attitude (english: “foreigners out” or “outlander out”).

Probably because of the way how their family or how they grew up and where.

Don’t get this wrong, here in Germany do live many different people and I am thankful for it because otherwise we would long be lost. But these other people… no, just no.

Our country is a master in law-making, word-creation and also paper-work. Oh how I love (hate) these papers and also all these in person meetings, at least in the town where I live.

In school I got taught to get as much certificates as possible and extras to show that I am a worthy worker. But I knew that it was of course not going to be such a fun ride, at least for me. Because I am not good with useless or harmful work. When I work, then to help someone and if it costs me my sleep. But then also for free and I do my best. But in school or while I was working, it just sucked up all my energy.

I mean, I might be an exception… but I know someone who got called schizophrenic from three different psychiatrists, has not really support from his family to do what he wants and probably suffers from CPTSD and other things. When I met him this one time, I almost immediately understood him and he also seemed to notice that I was on his side. He told me about how he got bullied in school and that he also couldn’t stand the working culture and pressure. And he was also interested in computers and tried to first get a job in this area, but couldn’t do it. Well and I also did quit after my 2,5 years. We even had the same problem, which was porn. He also told me that he often feels so old, like an old man, like I also often felt.

So we clearly understood each other, while I was way more reserved and almost said nothing about myself, but I understood what he was talking about. He also told the man we both know that the Christianity might not be his religion, because of some things from the bible. I secretly agreed with him, but said nothing. Because back then I was still silent like a grave. And this other man is very religious you must know, so he couldn’t really say much about it. The man also was kind, but probably trapped in his way of thinking. Because he also supported people who were against foreigners and such things. In his case I would suppose, that he maybe actually didn’t know too much about it because he didn’t seem to watch TV or use the internet, except for emails or maybe a small research.

This man is not the problem, but he also couldn’t help this guy with whom I knew what was the problem. We both came out of religious families, were bullied and other things. And while I don’t know what else might have happened to him, but he didn’t seem problematic nor sick to me. Just broken because of all this mess around him and created inside his head.

I would have wanted to see those psychiatrists and tell them what sick is. To completely ignore someone. I mean, I didn’t know this young man and just knew within minutes where the problem really was. Just by listening, observing and paying attention. So I can at best say to these psychiatrists, that they either have no empathy and got taught by the wrong people or at worst, that they are ignorant money suckers.

I can’t remember whether this man got medication or not, but I bet he got some. And I personally don’t trust any psychiatrist and in general doctors, but I have my reasons. But I should add, that I trust and trusted some who actually helped me and cared. Usually I was better of without going to doctors because in the end I couldn’t really speak for several reasons and so the doctors usually didn’t pay much attention and thought that it can’t be that bad. I almost died because of this. Again, this is nothing against all people working in these areas, but sadly it seems to be (at least where I live) to be the exception to meet people who really care for you. Because many compare you with others and then decide whether you must be normal or need help etc.

Empathy is what these people lack and stress is what others have too much.

For me personally it was almost always the best to keep quiet or say that things are alright, while they were not. Because otherwise I would have only got into more trouble. And talking seems to be pointless, at least in the area where I live, but maybe you could compare this to most of Germany.

Because what does talking help, if most people don’t really listen or understand should I say. Because of course they always “listen” and say, “But I am listening all the time”, while you clearly know that they can’t follow you or don’t understand most of it. And I didn’t really talk to many people and usually regreted doing so. This is why I am writing here. It seems to be the only safe space (so far) to write down my thoughts.

In a way, I usually feel so far gone or away, that I consider my life as a dream or game, in which I am actually playing alone with myself. And then I think, well, it is all pointless anyways, so why do I even care. And even though I think this might all be just a sick game in which I am the only one playing, while everyone else is just a bot or a creation of my mind, I am still doing what I am doing.

So either the best thing I came up with, was writing, while I could be flying around and doing whatever I want, or it might actually not be a dream or game. Who knows… So far it seems like it and I have seen far beyond the present moment and also so many different things. I can’t really tell what is imagination, what is dream and what is real. For me personally reality is a prison because everything interesting about it, was locked in or out. Depending on how you see it.

On the other hand I love everyone who also seems to think in the same direction as me and also other people who are just kind and good people, eventhough they don’t have such a big imagination. Or maybe I just thought it because no one really talks about such things in my country.

I mean, there even is a graffiti on one of the big halls in my town, where someone wrote together with a colored face “Don’t forget to dream” or something like it.

Yep… I think most people in Germany have no dreams nor the ability to dream. And those who can are either broken and don’t trust themselves or luckily found some other like-minded people. Either through the internet, like me or what do I know.

I mean in this country people at banks and schools try to sell you these cool retirement plans with this extra risk, like stockmarket. And then they try to convince you that it is totally safe and will later work for you and hopefully even increase your retirement. Well, lock at the numbers now and you know… ooooppp aaaaaand gone. I know why I didn’t get one of these. Sadly my parents together with the bank could convince me to get a building loan contract and I regret it to this day. Because this thing costs me a lot of money and in the end will be totally worthless for me. Great…. why did I get one of these? Ah right, because everyone around me said that it was good and I need it. Hm… like school and work and pain… Wait no, pain not, but they gave me the pain. I can’t blame them for everything.

And before you say, wait, so you didn’t get help and now complain.

Well, after telling my doctor that I felt weird, tired and all these things (I had deep depression looking back, but I didn’t know what it was), he did send me to some people. One was a youth psychologist who knew where the problem was, my father. And this man even made me cry in a good way. I didn’t want to cry this day and probably cried for half an hour non-stop because I hadn’t really cried in years. But sadly he couldn’t help me because he was only there for direct help, like phone calls or getting people to other help.

So I got to some therapist or whatever this man was. And he also had a psychologist. The therapist even said himself that he couldn’t help me and the psychologis at least found out that I was smart or at least in some way okay. Luckily I got 6-8 weeks for a rehab in a clinic, but only one year later.

(I actually wanted to shoot myself the same year, but no one noticed and I couldn’t get to the gun, which I later wanted to be disassembled for several reasons.)

So when I finally got to this clinic, at the very first day I already felt a lot better because there were a lot of other young people around my age. And they were dancing or playing games together. And I had a great time there. I also had meetings with a therapist there, but this man even told me, whether I wanted to do his job instead. Back then I thought he was joking, but I think he was serious. So he also couldn’t help me. Not his fault, he was new and unexperienced, but a very kind man and he really cared for me, but I simply couldn’t speak and because I felt so good with all the other like-minded or at least also somehow different people, I cancelled the meetings at some point.

Out of all people there, I guess I was the one with the best skill in hiding pain. And this is still haunting me because I actually could have helped these people way more. At least my presense help already because people cried after they had to leave, eventhough we called this place a “child-prison” partially for fun, partially because it sometimes actually felt and seemed this way. Of course it wasn’t that bad and there also were some people who were okay (from the personal). Could have been way worse.

So what did my life teach me about my country?

It told me, that usually people are kind, sadly a lot people are either broken or in some way insecure, while other people take advantage of it or also have no clue what to do. A world full of clueless people, ready to help, ready to serve. What a life… But this is why I am here I guess, to bring some light into this darkness.

And trust me, if I would know, that should I die, the world would be a paradise, I would end my life right now. But I know, that it doesn’t work like this and sadly too many people take their life because they can’t stand this mess anymore. And they also feel powerless, no point in trying to change it.

And there was another story in the show I mentioned a couple hundred words before. It was from a cook who got into a fight between a woman and a man. The man was hurting and beating the woman and so the cook tried to him away from her and also was successful. But then got hit in the back from the man. When he later got back into his kitchen, he saw blood all of a sudden and then realized, that the man had hit him with a knife in the back.

Later the whole case got to court. And in the end the woman, who was together with the man even spoke against her savior (maybe she was forced to say it, I don’t know). And then the case was turned into a direction as if it was his own fault, that he got hit by a knife in the back. Of course…

His boss also threw the cook out because he left he working place and in the end he was without a job, (I am not sure about that) had to pay for court and was also injured. The knife had cut some musles and other parts. I would say, good job society, people rule! …

When they then asked the cook whether he would help again in such a situation, he was honest and said, that he probably would think twice. But if it would be a spontanious thing he would of course try to help. And still he was marked after this whole thing. I mean, he wanted to help a woman who got hit and injurged by her sick friend and later the hero was even turned into a fool. Just wow… and I mean the woman actually needed help and probably should have gotten help because of her friend. But nothing happened. This is the world as I know it… ignorance everywhere…

And no not everyone is like this. But sadly way too many people, either because of fear or other problems.

And what does it help them in the end?

Well, as one man did (from a story my mother told), who didn’t know what to say in church. He read all these name registers and then closed with the words: “And they all died.”

Do I have to say more?

Luckily in my country a thing like free actually still exists and so you can say some things here without getting locked away. But also mainly because most people don’t care anyways, so it is not much of a big deal to speak up, while no one listens. Feels like talking with walls or stones, more like stone hearts, but yes.

And yes, I didn’t really speak up, but I had a lot to work through in my messed up head, so I hope you understand, that I can’t simply go on the streets and yell “SOCIALISM FOR EVERYONE” or things like that. And also can’t really start a campaign or things like this. Most people out on the streets still scare me and also suck up my energy. And I also don’t really trust most people. I feel it when I can trust someone and I think people also seem to notice that I am trustworthy or at least a good heart. Because I often got asked by people where some street or location is. Sadly most of the time I couldn’t help them or at worst even told them by accident the wrong one. Why? Because I couldn’t think and also don’t really cared for these things, while I of course wanted to help the people.

My world was like a closed zone. I had some different ways to get to the same locations and mainly things I didn’t want to go to, but had to go to, like school, work or doctors etc.

This means, that I mainly live and lived through my computer because outside of it is only hell for me. I mean, this is not completely true, would there be not so many ignorant or “I am cool because I make fun of people” kind of people, I would probably enjoy walking through streets, and nature more often. But because usually these things are “crowded” by people (I mean just a couple of people is enough, if they don’t seem like open minded ones).

Some years ago there was a kebab restaurant not far from where I lived back then. I was still a teenager back then. And sometimes there was a young woman or girl working there together with her father or uncle maybe. I don’t know. At least it seemed this way. (I didn’t ask.) And she was very kind and seemed different from the typical people around here. Also the kebab in this restaurant, no matter who made it, was heavenly. A big portion, good price and it was soo good. Sadly they closed not long after and there was paper on the window, that they had to close for health reasons. So I thought, maybe the man got sick or something, but now I am not sure what to think. I was so sad that this restaurant was gone again.

And while I did not eat much kebab or “Döner” as it is called in Germany in recent times because of the pandemic, because I stayed home most of the time etc. it is still one of my favorties foods if not the most favorite.

You can always get me with those, at least, if it isn’t poisoned. 😀

But who knows, maybe I would just eat it anyways and nothing happens.

Oh man… I shouldn’t have looked these up.

Now I am hungry and want some. And sorry for people who are vegetarian or vegan. But if you can make me a vegan version, I am in. 🙂 Deal?

And before you ask, my father and his family are in Germany for a long time, probably mixed with people french at some part. While my mother’s family is probably from the netherlands, but she actually was born in Russia during the Soviet Union and got to Germany in 1976 and yes, she is old. I am the only child and was born, when she was 41. Maybe this explains why I am, the way I am. (I mean the smart, older seeming and caring person, not the mess which happened later.)

So I personally like Russian people and the russian language. I found these people to be way friendlier than some german people. I had two russians in my class once. And one was a genius, he was a programming master, good at maths and I don’t know what else. Even in religion, although he didn’t seem to really believe in any of it. And he also was very quiet, but funny. The other one was more the stronger guy and also a little bit of a player. But he had a good heart and me and my parents even drove him home once, while he was partially drunk and singing. 😀

And no, the german youth is not all bad, I had many nice people, but also a lot of broken people in my classes. I think it got even worse in the following years. So it is more this hopelessness and fear which drives most people here. While some people with their corporations and money take everything for granted.

And to be honest, I personally think, that the smartest people this country ever met, were usually people from outside or at least with a different mentallity than the “normal” people. But this goes for every country.

And yes, I am glad that at least normal people still can speak their mind in this country, like the cook and the worker from the weapon factory.

But even they almost got labeled crazy and not supported, but fought against by the system.

If I would speak my mind, like I write in this blog, man, I would probably get to the next psychiatry. At least if the people listening are not openminded and think I am crazy. It happens…

I mean around here people who just dress too different are called crazy sometimes. I mean young people probably have a fashion excuse, but as soon as you get older, you have to dress properly.

In many companies people have dress codes or at least ways how should should be dressed. So if you would get in there with a hoodie or colored hair etc. people would at least look at you. This doesn’t mean that they would not accept you and it really depends on the company. But still, it is still weird to look too different. While the way how someone is dressed actually shouldn’t care that much. (I mean there are moral and ethical borders for me, but wearing a leather jacket, yellow or pink hair and such things, don’t count for me as problematic). I hope you understand what I mean.

And as far as I know people here can of course dress the way they want. But it is not so much about the laws and more about the minds and how many people here are still very conservative and short-minded in a way.

Otherwise you wouldn’t get so many weird looks or these “oh look, he looks stupid” kind of people. Just because my head is often pointed towards the bottom and my facial expression is either a nevered smile or a dumb stare.

Luckily I know, that I would win a fight against these people, should I ever get attacked physically. And even if not, I would have at least a lot of fun fighting back. Because they need to learn a lesson. But not with violence…

And when I look at my father who 20 years doesn’t go to work, still does the same stupid things and what much time he had to change… and then I look at how little time I got and how much I developed. But yes, when it comes to me, then there is enough for everyone. And if not, we would actually find ways. Not like these powerful people who have no idea what they are doing or just want this to be this way. Either way, things have to change.

My worst nightmare is, that everyone who cares ends up dead until I am left alone and everyone is just part of the system and no one would understand me or even try to. And all is lost for all eternity.

I guess this is why I had to speak because it actually feels this way and seems this way for the most part in reality.

(And I know there are many people who care out there, people like me or similar. I just think we are a dying kind, while it actually should be the other way around.)

And I secretly hope, that most people wake up and realize that they also don’t want to be a part of all of this system mess.

Most people are and could be good after all. Wouldn’t media, parents, school and work turn us into angry or fearful creatures…

But mainly it was how adults treated us. Not like equals, not like good, but in a way as if we should learn to behave… behave for what?

Just call it mind control and we are good. Passive (mind)control.

The good thing about the violence is, that if you get beyond it, you learned how not to behave, but how to defend yourself against it. And if necessary fight back, like this one story with this old crazy man who wanted to attack the girl. (From a YouTube video in a previous post, with the drawing and crown on her head 🙂 )