The more I again go through all of this and more of my weird mind, I get lesser and lesser optimism again. The only thing which is left is my music.
Maybe some people will step up, I am probably not the guy because I am too stupid and broken for all of this. At least people will think that and I am really not sure anymore.
Just let me be… but I guess I will have to do bigger steps now, while I feel useless after all. Well, maybe someone heard music playing this night outside. Or someone sees the flower painting on a wall or some words of hope. I guess I will buy myself some speakers or some kind of mobile audio device. And then I will make some music in the streets. I guess I can’t do much more… motivation is pretty low if everyone around me still tells me that we need money.
I mean, you all know that money is just paper with a number, right?
So if people work for worthless paper, why can’t they work for something which makes actually happy in the long run? It is all so pointless…
If you want then have your money, have fun with useless numbers.
But I already thought how life could be without it, how we could build great things, discover new planets and life forms and all that. So I don’t need to live it through. Will not stay alive for it anyways I guess.
I mean what does it matter… if I am no more, there will probably be someone else like me and if not, well everyone seems happy anyways.
Look, they are all smiling. Isn’t that lovely?
My job is done here. Happy, happy holidays.
*walks out of the internet writing section and decides to disappear*
Did I decide that? Well who knows. I guess I can do what I want, right?
And when the aliens, ai or crazy people ruling the world will finally convince everyone that they are the rulers or God(s) or whatever, then we will finally get what we deserve. Because look, we needed so long to realize that we are still apes. Isn’t that great? I mean, imagine a bat flying around all day or night I should say, to finally realize that the sun bright and that flying is sometimes pretty exhausting. Hm… I lost the meaning.
*Tries to find the meaning of this blog*
*Finds a shoe, a piece of paper and a penny*
Well, I guess I really should just give in now.
The other people are all smarter than me anyways.
I never had a chance.
I mean I really have no idea. I know that I can’t be stupid, but on the other hand I feel pretty stupid most of the times. Then I know that this is a sign of a smart person and that given my early childhood I must be pretty smart, but now I am more of a crazy idiot at home. Yay. How to make a genius turn into a weird crazy loser. Masterplan succeeded, we can all go home now.
In my head I already lived several lives and different scenarios of existence. So yes, why am I still trying to live… right? Humans were slaves for a long, long time and so I am just worse than that. So not even a slave, more like a tree, dying from too much toxic air and technology. But well, would I be a tree, then I would at least have a use.
In “real life” I am a loser and I know I could do many things, but again, I guess would I try, I would die and if I don’t try maybe I live a little longer and feel bad for doing nothing. Isn’t that lovely?
… okay I don’t know what and why I wrote what I wrote in this post.
But again, I think that almost no one is actually understanding what I try to say. That I don’t talk about the videos and try to analyze them. At least not most of the time. But that I actually try to use them to give a hint towards what is in my head and what I think is happening. So it doesn’t mean that all of this has to be the case…
okay you know what? just f*** this shit…
This blog will lead to nothing.
I hope that the few who read all my posts or at least look when I posted something new are alright.
I think that I again lost all seriousness, if there ever was some. And that no one gets me. As usual. I just have to admit it, that I will probably be more useful dead than alive. Maybe some aliens or rich can study my brain to control people even better. And in the mean time, maybe they set up a new set of people to harvest for whatever reason.
Why do you need people? Well, you need us because we can work and are easy to manipulate and also easy to repair. Because our body has some self repair possibilities. I am not sure to what degree because I personally haven’t seen some grow a new finger or something, but you never know.
And yes… I will probably regret this.
Like my whole life. Yay.
Again, why did I even start this blog? Ah right, because I wanted to understand why I wanted to die. Well, problem solved and back to business as usual – decaying.
You know, the thing is that I am just soooo tired of my mind.
When I was a child I thought, well, okay I can manipulate people, I could just invent a lot of useless things and get a lot of money. But in the end, what would I have? Just a boring life with a lot of money and no real friends. I was too smart for money. Because money will always be a dependecy in the end. Because you can of course buy things which then work for you, so that money will come in. But as you can see now, at some point money will not work for you anymore. So even with the things you bought, maybe they aren’t yours after all. I mean my property actually isn’t my property in some way, nor is your house. Because you have to pay taxes for it or it in general is property of the state (depending on the country). I don’t know, they might be a country in which it isn’t this way, but I don’t know.
So there goes your freedom, woooiiiii.
And that is why I never wanted to work for, with or around money.
I always wanted to program, invent useful things, do art and have fun with people and the things we could create together. I can motivate people or at least I could do that when I was younger, but I think I got some of it back again.
And about the manipulation part… well it is a lonely road, so I just want to tell you that manipulating people is not really making you happy. I had to learn it in order to survive because my father wouldn’t allow me to do what I wanted. So I had to trick him and all… and for what? Only to still be a noone and a nothing in some way. Sitting at home. I know what I could do, I have visions and ideas. But they are useless because they would either not be understood, not wanted or take too much time. So in the meantime we are dying. Well, another useless hero. I think I would want that on my gravestone, should I get one. Or no actually I wanted a forest grave.
“Just another useless hero.” – John Peter K.
And I mean I am leaving traces, giving hints and I bet if someone is watching me, they know exactly where I am. So yes… I am only making things worse.
Or do they fear me? I guess not. I think they will just wait until I played my stupid role in their funny little world ruling game and when I got for them what they wanted or I went too far, they will get rid of me.
But I don’t know… “Ignorance is strength” I guess. And the longer people like me get ignore, the better for them. Because wouldn’t I be ignored, then people would start asking questions I guess.
But except for my relatives, at least some, no one would really miss me anyways. The real me, what is in my head. Because they almost no nothing about me. So why should they miss me, if they never knew me? What they will miss is only my appearance, a layer of several masks, a collection of words and emotions and some pictures as well as a very basic and crapy life. I think except for a handful of people I know and maybe you, I am just a normal guy who now quit his job and is in a very bad situation. For them I might be a stupid, helpless young man who just needs to get his shit together and start working again. Or whatever. And that I should care more for others or something… they probably don’t know what my mind is capable of, that I can visualize the inside of a house as if it is real. That I can do or at least could do a lot of calculations without a calculator and that I have an imagination like AR or VR. And that because of that, reality is for me often just a nightmare I can’t escape or a movie set I don’t want to play. While everyone else is laughing, having their miserable life and complaining why I don’t do something useful…
I tried… but they wouldn’t let me.
So why even trying, right?
I will never see the free world, the peaceful world, a world with probably many kingdoms or countries, but without the need for slavery or money or forced thinking patterns. In which children actually can be whatever they want.
I will never see that dream come true. Because I am just a talker now… a dreamer and while I thought I found my spirit this year and I did find it, I think it was too late.
We will see. This is crazy. And I hope that I can stop writing one day and maybe erase my blog, so that everyone can live their “happy” lives.
I mean what do you expect me to do? Should I drive to my local governments capital and knock on the door?
“Eh, excuse me. I would like to talk to se authority, please.”
Wouldn’t help or be a good idea.
Well, because if I would be able to and follow my rage I buried deep down, I would burn down all of these governments, with their cool buildings and money and cars and whatever. I mean, not all governments, not those who are actually at least trying to stay good. But you know what I mean, right?
Maybe I should actually try to get super powers. Maybe then I could just create a storm or lightning and destroy these things. And then no one could lock me in prison because it was the weather. 😀
Good plan, right?
But then if I would actually be able to get such power, people would be scared and probably try to kill me. Yay.
So what do I do? Well, going with Plan A. Waiting for death, while death is playing a game of chess with me. But actually we just move around the board a little and see what happens and laugh about how silly all is.
I mean, why don’t I just go on the streets with a fake gun and let myself get shot, would after my death all be over, I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. And otherwise, well, I am already in hell for the most part. So it can’t get much worse, right?
But no, we are not going to do that, yet. Instead, is there something I can do for you? Because no one can really help me, all I need would be someone who understands what I am talking about. And I mean what I would want to talk about. But instead I am talking about other things most of the time. And not even they are understood.
So yes, there is no help for me.
But again, can I help you with something?
Yes I knew as a kid that society is not working… well well…
And I just can’t believe that I was the first to discover that and also not the first who had ideas on how to fix it. But because people always say, that is not possible, we can’t work without money, we can’t do this, we can’t do that… and then also the argument: “So why don’t you just start doing something useful.” … I …. yes I just don’t want to live on this world. Really.
Because the planet of the apes is more like it. I actually didn’t want to try to explain because it would take so long that most people are asleep. I mean I tried and with those I tried to explain, they either got tired after some time or well… I just couldn’t make it clear. And I also can’t really show it because it is something about humanity as a whole.
So I try to with this blog and my music, but I don’t think it will make a real change. Because if in the end I would be the smartest human, what I doubt, but you never know, then I would be lost again. Because I would have no one to share my knowledge with and no one to work with me. So I would have to either do it all alone or die alone. Or whatever, go live in a cave maybe. I don’t know.
But this world isn’t made for actual smart people or for kind and honest people. This world is made or was at least transformed into a battle ground, full of drama, pain, misery and distraction, so that most people would give up and the rest just have fun with having power by creating useless things for the most part, feeling smart and cool by building up a company based on slavery and stupid ideas.
And not every company does that… but in the end, I am probably just too smart to live, while I am too stupid to believe in myself.
Don’t get this wrong, I am happy whenever I can see how other people develop and do something with their lives. But I can’t really do something with my life because it will go against my mission. And my mission was free imagination, free thoughts, love, peace and freedom in general. But I was faced with barrier which is so big, that I won’t be able to break it. The reason for it is, that I don’t want to trick people, I don’t want to get people to work for me or something like that. I don’t want all that because it wouldn’t help me. I need someone to talk on the same level. Because otherwise I also can’t use my full potential. Because when it comes to my brain then it is the following:
There is mainstream, there is outsider mainstream, then local mainstream, local outsider mainstream, global individual, local individual, and then there is my mind. Like a diamond buried under 700 tonnes of sand and stones.
Only to realize that the diamond cracked and is useless now.
Well done me, well done.
I could have made the world better, could have made it good. Or I could have just stayed with my plan. But I did neither of these things. So I am just moving forward, rethinking existence, history, memory and the current situation in a local and global scale, in different scenarios (just a couple thousand). And the thing is, that I just can’t seem to find a solution to this other to wait until it will be clear that I am right. While I actually knew that things would develop this way when I was younger.
Secretly I wished it would happen, so that this mess would finally have an end. And it really seems as if most people have no clue. So why am I even trying… even Bukowski put on his grave stone: “Don’t try.” I should have listened.
Should have just moved into some forest and live there alone.
Would have been the better choice, and let humanity either get wiped out on its own or by others beings. Whatever it is…
You can’t lose this way, if you just exist. Right?
Because then “whatever happens, happens”.
And I just naturally lived by that when I was younger. But now I think that I am asked to do something, I maybe could do, but don’t know for sure.
But really, what does someone do with one who is useless.
If I inspire some people that is great. That some people like me, at least for now, is also not bad. And that I can love all people in a way is also great.
I can even love myself for who I am, I love this me I was before I completely broke and I also love this me I now became, although it is pretty weird.
What I can’t stand is, that my parents seem to want me to be different.
And that what I think about will probably not work or is useless. And I know that this is not important, would I just know that somewhere out there actually understands all of what is in my head. But when they can’t even understand what I put out there, how should they understand what I still didn’t really talk about. I mean I would also want to proof it and make tests, but not in a world like this, in which I can’t trust most people.
I mean, I trust people with my life because again, my life is not much worth for me. But I don’t trust everyone with what is in my head. So even sharing things here is like the worst thing I can do. I still do it and hope that it will help someone out there. Maybe you.
But I guess it might be all lost. I know there is always a chance, but for me it only went down, each and everytime it went up, it went down again. When I wanted up, I got told to stay down. And now I don’t want to go up anymore. Whatfor? I already went up there in my dreams, my thoughts and imagination. In them people understood me, the world was good.
But in reality it doesn’t seem to be possible. So I got what I wanted… but I am still here because it is not about me. I know… it never was about me. When I was little I wanted to just help, but that was wrong. When I wanted to play, it was wrong, when I wanted to build something, it was wrong.
When I didn’t want to go to school, it was wrong. When I went to another school, I should have worked. When I worked… well it sucked. And I knew that… but it never was about me.
And when I just wanted to forget it and play, I could forget, then it was about me… or maybe not. When I programmed it was about me.
Why did I stop? Because it is all useless anyways.
Let it rain… just let it rain…
It is like, 1% knows what 99% doesn’t.
And then there is me. Thinking out of the box, while everyone tries to tell me where the out of the box space stops.
So actually where the box outside of the box has to stop.
And then I just give up, because it is too hard to explain that there are no boxes…
People want facts, people want truth, people want how things work.
And I know what I experienced, what I have seen, heard, felt. Based on that I have a lot of memory on which I can think about what is possible and what not. And what is very likely and what not.
And would I be able to get more into detail I would probably be able to find a solution, but then again, would only I understand it, would it even be true? And if I can’t trust it, why should I make a move. Because would a “bomb” explode because of my actions, then I would have been better of dead instead of the others.
It is as if the world is shaping all around me and because I lost hope, the world lost hope as well. But no, it was broken all along and so am I.
Happy Saturday, enjoy my … no just leave okay.
They will just run for the next money someone else creates for them, while they could work without it 😀 hahahahaahahaaa
Isn’t that a funny game? ^^