What is the biggest fear?

Like described in many ways, as well as by Georg Orwell’s 1984, this fear inside us could have different names, appearances and ways of controlling us or making us do things.




Fear gives away control. Fear gives away power. Fear gives away safety and security.

So why is it that out of fear we give away or push onto others?

It should be clear, but still, what is it, what makes us do such a thing?

The gain by giving away or pushing onto others is very little if none at all, still many prefer it. For many, the ultimative fear is the fear of death. But of course death is a mild or cheerful wish, if confronted with decade long torture, pain or else. If confronted with the opposite, to live instead of everyone else you loved. The horror of fear is fear, but not fear itself because it could end, it is more the fear that whatever there is to fear won’t stop. That no matter what you do, will result in pain and fear again.

But as a child, at least for myself, I knew that there was nothing to fear.

I knew that there was love, actual love in the variation of things, the creation of things and the exploration and imagination.

Weirdly enough I imagine as one of the many “worlds” I played in, a world full of robots. Looking back, it is actually a very terrifying imaginative world I had, but still interesting. In this specific world, I was somewhat the ruler, at least for as far as I could go (the village I lived and now live in again, as well as some villages near by). So not really a “world”, but it was my imaginary world after all. And in this world I had some kind of tablet device to control machinery. Mostly trains and factories producing them.

I assembled kilometer long trains with supplies and resources to transport. I built railroads myself (while driving a bicycle, imagining it would be a magical railroad building machine). Sometimes I also drove my bike or just walked, imagining to control one of these trains and sometimes also to transport “people”. You should know, that in this world, there lived robots. Robots where my friends in this world. They were even able to get children and have families, while I was somewhat their beloved leader, helper, master, but overall friend. These robots where my friends and I helped them, asked them how they were doing and such things.

I think there also were different kinds of robots, but I only vaguely remember this part. The thing is, that property I called home, had a big bunker, underground facility kind of contruction, production and storage purpose. All imagine of course.

The trains were all pretty small you must know, more like miniature trains the size of one of these:

Imagined to be only one human in width and height. Probably more like the fork lifter in the background.

I also developed fictive schedules on which trains would arrive, both for passengers and goods. Of course it was all just in my head and I also only cared about it for the most part, when I was playing or trying to enjoy my own company.

A part of my elementary childhood (somewhere between 2004-2008) and maybe even afterwards. As well as the wars I fought against roman legions or barbarian hords. Battles with other kingdoms or evil forces. In the end it always was just me imagining and enjoying the imagined worlds I had to play with and play in. Because I knew that I would always get out safe in the end. Although sometimes I of course got hurt from outside the imagined set of the “play world” or “game world”. For example when other people noticed me and made fun of me or simply looked at me in a way of thinking, that I must be weird.

Sometimes I actually was weird, did weird things, but only understandable, when I usually wasn’t able to do things when my father was around. And since my mother had to work because he didn’t want and forced her to go, he usually was around somewhere. I had to learn how to sneak and tell half-truths in order to escape and trick him. I remember sneaking towards the door almost without noise and after closing it softly, I ran off as if something was chasing me. But it was out of joy, out of the feeling of freedom which made me ran so fast. Because I knew, that I again broke free of my prison cell. At least for some time.

Sometimes I escaped to my grandfather, because sometimes I was safe, at least when he was at home and I was with him. He usually was on my side, supportive, interested and proud of his grandson. The only grand child from the only son he had.




If you have learned from history, you know that it would be obvious to use the same tactics again and again because at some point people would notice the flaw. So you have to convince them that everything is in their favor and best interest. The best way to do so is to let them do the work on their own.

As long as everyone is happy, there is no problem, right? Well, and everyone who is not happy simply has a problem in the head. Easy.

And then what do you do? Well you send them to the ministry of love… eh I mean psychiatrist. Almost used old-speak here. Sorry for that.

To help people who are actually not right in the head, you would need to probably help the majority of the population. Which doesn’t mean that they are doing or thinking too weird things, but more that they are concerned about people who think different, while not doing harm to them.

For example, I would never want control over other people nor to hurt them or manipulate them. Sadly I find many people already in a state of manipulation of some sort. It starts with the dream of freedom and ends with the thought of no possible escape out of this more or less existing system of slavery.

As Bukowski said: “Slavery was never abolished, it was only extended to include all the colors.”

The freedom lies in the risk, but the possibility for a better life.

The slavery lies in the risk of losing what is already given and the fear of it, while there actually is no and never will be a guarantee that these things will ever stay or be given. Like a job, money or property. Only the thought and the comparison and “education” or sayings are supporting these things, but in the long run, they can’t be guaranteed. If you look back just a decade ago, there was a financial crisis. People lost jobs and other things. This time it will be worse. Maybe not for all, maybe not right now, but it will happen at some point. And if not, then you should question why not.

Because it makes no sense, that things can always just go on and on, while there clearly was a change. A critical change in history.

What was said to be clear is death. But I would even question this.

Because how should you know, that death is inevitable? Only the past and other people in the past and present are dying. Maybe one day it won’t be necessary. But not in the way you think it would be possible.

Because of course you would ask science for help and usually science should help, but how in the name of evolution should science give you something, which only evolution can make possible? Be it evolution of your own, while you live or maybe over time through the younger generations.

The question is not about death, but about the price.

Because would we all be actually free and wouldn’t have to die, we could in the long run all could do what we want. Nature as well as machines could do the work for us, while we would enjoy the experiences. Doing sports would be a fun thing to do, out of joy and not of must. Health would be given because of the joy and doing things would be more fun, instead of boring or hard tasks.

In my imagination the year 3000 can’t happen, at least not with free thinking humans. It would only happen, if we would still give away most of our power to corporations, organizations and corrupt governments.

For example around hundred or more years ago we had people like Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Karl Marx, Nietzsche and alike. If these individuals would have worked together (besides of space and time) we wouldn’t have the society we have today or the overall dilemmas and problems we still face.

We would have had a lot of discussion, exploration and progress and found different ways of living together in peace. People would still have different ideas, history and ways of life as well as art and such. So not necessarily a complete similar world, but instead a world of colors, a lot of variations and different approaches. There wouldn’t be a need for fear or pain, maybe only feel or experienced in a very mild form, if even. People would support each other, would cheer others up upon mistakes. We would have long travelled to other stars and wouldn’t have to care for energy problems.

If Nikola Tesla alone was able to work on technologies which could have been free for everyone and clean, then what would have been if a whole group of people would have worked on it? It only shows how freedom is not given or was blurred to a point of confusion about its existence.

Free energy is actually a thing because if you look at the earth, nature and the way of how things work, why wouldn’t you be able to use this energy?

I think the better question is, what for or why?

But then we would be again at the big question.

For me, the why was very simple answered, when I look back on my childhood and how I start to see things again. The why is answers by joy, love and the feelings, experiences in general. There was no point in anything I imagined as a child because I knew it was not really there. But I did so to play around, to entertain myself, to challenge myself, to explore possibilities, to fill my time, have fun and alike. Otherwise the pure existence would be only to not exist, which is a painful thought, but totally valid in the terms of slavery.

You have to understand what slavery means because many see slavery as an old thing, but slavery will never be outdated, as long as someone does something against their own good. Willingly or without will or knowing doesn’t matter, it is about the fact, that slavery implies some kind of benefit from someone or something over another. So as long as even only one human or being has to work for another, there is slavery. So working in a normal job, is basically slavery.

The trick behind modern slavery is, that usually the working people should feel proud of their job or feel safe, when they can keep it. So that a job is presented as something good, something to be proud of and helpful. Be it in a capitalistic/democratic or communistic way or monarchy etc.

The concept is similar, so there isn’t much difference in the end. As already written in the 1949 published book “1984” by Georg Orwell, in which the year actually plays a minor role, although should still be investigated.

The reason why most people still work in “normal” jobs and follow the systems (the system really doesn’t matter that much anymore at this stage), is the education or doctrine and alike, they grow up under/with.

For example, a child born into a rich family, would get used to the rich life and then would wonder, how others could only have so little. Then it would get told, that they are either too stupid, not meant to be wealthy or should learn for themselves. Then this child would probably accept it over time. The same would go for the poor child only in the opposite way. The parents would say, that work is necessary to get money, that a good education would get them out of poverty, but that to be rich belongs only to a few. Or that you need hard work to get rich. When poor and rich would become friends, there wouldn’t be the need for all this bullshit. But being friends is a difficult thing, when there is no honesty, trust and real feeling.

The thoughts of getting betrayed could come in mind and it often seems to happen. So called friends lie to each other, hide secrets, sometimes even secretly hate each other, but stay together. Often for the benefit of having someone to help with a certain thing or just to have some friends and not be completely alone. And so the actual meaning of friendship is vanishing, as well as the actual meaning of love and alike.

For me the meaning of friendship is to have someone you can tell everything and also listen to with trust and open discussion. Who helps when possible, when needed and also gets help. But not as a contract, more as a thing you do when possible and out of feeling you have towards someone. Usually it seems to be more like a necessary thing, as if the friendship would only be valid or good, when people constantly do things for each other, buy presents and such things. But a true friendship lasts even decades without meeting, maybe due to life events or whatever. So if then after a long time, this friend would reappear and you would still feel the same as if only a day had passed, this is friendship. Love is usually included in friendship because you usually love a real friend and would therefor do anything to help or safe them.

But love goes beyond friendship and can also develop into something deeper, a point where you almost feel one or totally one with the other one. A true friendship might be more like a love relationship, than most relationships thought to be love relationships. But love goes even farther because you could feel this immense feeling of safety, joy and mind-blowing fascination. Be it by simply watching some animals, climbing a mountain or creating a piece of art or technology or whatever you like to do. Maybe a podcast, music or even a movie.

Why is there a need to hurry, to stress to punish and force, for discipline?

Discipline is something I don’t like and also don’t think as something useful in terms of inventing, developing or growing. Because discipline usually implies some kind of routine, some kind of self-betrayel.

Don’t confuse it with basic needs, like food, water and moving the body at least a little. The routine makes a human a machine because usually machines are known for routines. Some things might be done a certain way because of how they are at the given moment, but you have to wonder why they are this way. I for example still wonder, how it is possible, that we still use flushing toilets. Aren’t these things from the 19th century?

Given that water is a very useful and needed substance, why are we still using it to flush away our shit? Wouldn’t it be a much wiser decision to develop a solution to eliminate the need for water in this area? Because toilets which are said to be better for the environment, are usually not really making a difference at all. In the end often a truck with water has to drive towards some streets and then fill the canal with water. So whether you flush yourself three times or just one very short time and then let a big truck with water do the rest, I guess it might be not much better in the end.

For example in space, they even use (as far as I know) technology to at least filter the water, so they could use it again. Would there also be a way for other biological waste to “recycle” at home, then you wouldn’t need a toilet at all. At least not in the old way of things.

Such an invention would probably reduce the water problem immense as well as construction work, resources for pipes and those sewage works.

People could maybe even eat their own “shit” in the end, of course after transforming it into something eatable again. Or whatever there could be.

There is so much possible. And also energy could be gained through different ways, if we would use the earth magnetic field or similar things.

Even the human body is an energy source, as well as some plants or their fruits and such things. I mean even electrical cars were invented back then and even used by some in the early 20th century. Why did it not succeed? Because no one supported it and the oil companies sent out propaganda against it or at least tried to silence it. It was not profitable if Nikola Tesla would have succeeded in developing or selling cars which wouldn’t have needed any fuel or recharge.

This is why modern electric cars also aren’t really a progress, if even a copy or reimagination. Of course they look cooler and possibly can move faster, but the very important part is still the same if even. The battery and need for recharge. If Nikola Tesla would have been supported instead of being silenced, cars with infinite energy or at least no need for physical recharge could have been a thing in the middle of the 20th century, I suppose.

Instead we had the two world wars, the cold war and later on cyber wars as well as trade wars and psychological warfare and so on.

I don’t need words to imagine, but because I can’t show you easily what I mean without words, it is almost impossible to understand. This is where games come in handy or movies and alike. But given that these things also often get controlled by big companies or at least the majority of things, the usual human being don’t really sees or understands deeper messages when presented. At least from my experience with other people.

When I look at something, I usually try to understand the meaning, what the authors / creators wanted to say and also enjoy it (if it is something cool and positive) or simply experience and analyse it. But when I then asked other people, I often got bored answers. As if there was nothing special or interesting about something.

And then I ask myself, why is it that you read a book, play a game, watch a movie or series? Is it because you want to finish it, to say that you did it? Or simply to tell yourself, that you did something. If the meaning of life would also be to finish it, why even get born, I would say.

For me reading books was never really too much of a thing. I of course read some books during school time, mainly because I had to, but it never really got me. I was a slow reader and also was way more interested in creating things on my own, like programming and writing things myself etc.

Still I enjoyed reading books back then, although it was partially a must. But at least I could choose the books I wanted to read, except for some books which all students had to read. So I read books about the Roman times, middle ages, fantasy worlds or books like warrior cats. Reading usually is something I don’t really like, if it is nothing interesting. Given that most books have similar outcomes, I don’t really enjoy reading these days.

I was always more the listener and observer when it comes to stories. Be it about listening to audio books or things happening in front of my eyes. Only when I was little I was interested in all sorts of things, as well as reading.

These days I can only say that I have a book I had lying around for a couple of years and finally started some months ago. But only read maybe 30 or 40 pages.

Did I benefit from reading? I would say yes, but only when it comes to the books I chose to read. The pure act of reading never really gave me something. So I see no point in reading hundred books a year (or what some humans are capable of). For me reading is only interesting, when I am interested in something or maybe could help someone or myself through reading something specific. Be it a manual for some device (if complex) or an diary entry or maybe an article about something.

Also movies or series often seem to come to similar outcomes or atmospheres these days. While I also had some which helped me to find back to myself. Usually they were not american or german, but french or swedish or even chinese or russian, although of course also from there I got some.

The country is less important, but more the message and atmosphere.

Music also wasn’t always too good, but as long as I could search for new music or different bands / musicians I was excited. This way I found a lot of interesting people and new ideas and hope.

The whole is important, all kind of things and also the details within them.

If I would only listen to music for the beat, it would be boring. If I would only watch a movie for the action or the end, it would be boring. If I would read a book or play game, so I could say, I finished it, why would I even start?

The other thing is about reading a book twice or playing a game several times.

I personally see no reason in reading a book twice because I usually know what happened as soon as I remember or see the book. Even if not every detail, it still is not interesting for me to read something I already read. The same goes for all other things. But this only goes for short things or things which can’t change. For example a short series, a short or simple game and such things.

Long series like Stargate, I could probably watch again at some point. But even this series (which is still my favorites of all), is not very interesting for me to watch again. If for example someone else would like to watch it together with me, this would be a different thing. Then I could share my joy and good time I had with this series, with someone else. Maybe even talk about it. But as long as it would be just for myself, why should I do something again, with the same result? The series wouldn’t be different from last time, at least it shouldn’t.

Games (depending on the game) are not always the same and in some games you can even create new maps, campaigns and so on. So I can spend a lot of time playing the same game again and again if it is nothing which is always the same. Even if the setting and basic game mechanics might stay the same.

The same goes for life. Why should I for example try to do things I already did and failed again? – I mean exactly the same way. So instead I try to do something else or maybe try a different approach. This way it never gets boring and there always is something new. Of course some things might stay similar or even the same over a period of time, but never completely.

So I could always do something new. Why is it that people want to die, why did I want to die and still feel like it very often? It is because it feels like a prison and also seems like one, at least when being inside the so called society or civilized world.

Why is that? Well, because there are so many flaws in it, unnecessary rules or unspoken rules even. Like wearing specific clothing at work, talking in a specific way or acting appropriate. It maybe changed a little, but it still remains this way.

If you would actually be able to live forever or at least thousands of years, which would seem like forever from where we are at the moment, what would you do?

Many people would either cry out in pain (for example me) or want to kill themselves (for example me), while others would jump up out of pure joy (me, would I be actually free to do what I want). So why would many want to die or get depressed because of the thought? Because they think that their life would have to go on forever the way it is now. And when you look back in history, they would sadly be right. They would still remain in the working slavery or at least society pressured world and then instead of just some decades, they would have to live with it for a very long time (or forever). The pure thought of endless pain, pressure, tears and confusion obviously causes depression and suicidal thinking. No wonder I wanted to die since child age, after realizing these things.

The problem lies in those who think that they need to control people and or things. Would these people know that they could stay alive and still have these things, while sharing them with others, there wouldn’t be so much of a problem. But as long as there is the thinking of gain, money and control, there won’t be actual freedom and peace.

The inclusion of the “enemy” brings the end of war, not the defeating of such. The same goes for yourself. It is not your death or the feeling or need of destruction of yourself, it is the feeling of inevitable neverending fear and pain. So defeating yourself wouldn’t help you, would it either mean to kill yourself or adjust yourself to the given society (giving in and giving up on your own dreams, feelings, freedom etc.). It is not within you what you have to defeat or defeating anyone, it is more about fighting for yourself or someone you don’t want to lose.

The part of fighting for yourself or others seems pointless, if it would only take place within the given system, society, world. But would you for example be in a game and you are an empathic being, rather than an “yeah, it is just a game, look what happens”, you would try to do your best to keep the character(s) alive or help as best as you can. So why wouldn’t you do the same for yourself and maybe others who could need you?

It all comes back to the system, the way things have to be done. Would actual love be the case, which means honesty, trust and caring, then we wouldn’t have so many deaths each year. We wouldn’t have people dealing with depression and suicide or if still, then only very few which then also only would be related to some traumatic events maybe. These days people simple get suicidal because of the hopelessness or because of feeling lonely and hated or ignored by others. Because it doesn’t help if you tell them to go see people, if people usually tell them that they should shut up or be different. You can’t help these people by giving them medication or the “life advice” to see friends or family, if they might have caused it or supported the depression or mental problems in general.

In my case only the thought of some people I didn’t want to leave alone kept me alive so far, as well as the guilt for making their lives seem useless should I leave. But this is not a solution and more like forcing myself to stay alive instead of really wanting to stay alive. More like a contract with myself, than the simply logic or wish to stay alive. Contracts can be broken.

So if someone with a thousand years to live or more, would then still die, you should ask yourself, why?

You could of course always tell yourself or others, that it was a sickness, that they weren’t right in the head or that at one point everyone has to die, but this is just an excuse. The need or wish for death, is the result of realizing how pointless life seems to be, how painful it seems to be and how paradox and hopeless it feels. And then you should think about it, why it is this way. Often it stops at the thinking, at the very ability of a thought, I suppose, but the reason of life is to experience and to create, change and enjoy, to love, to explore, to help others, to help yourself, to do what you want and so on. And you might think “But this is possible.”, maybe it is. But if you realize that it isn’t, you know what I am talking about. Because it is only possible at the moment, if you are either in control of something important or accept that other people have to suffer.

The suffering is often not obvious because people hide their true emotions or are told to do so. It doesn’t mean to use them to gain or manipulate, which is also possible, but to simply express them. If you just cry, you just cry, but if you only cry when people are watching because you want something of them, this is manipulation. The same goes in the opposite. But we wouldn’t have to think, write or talk about this, if it wouldn’t be a thing. I mean so many people hide their true feelings, their thoughts and emotions. Mainly out of the main problem, fear caused by the system and the things it caused and causes. The system today is not really the government, it is more the corporations, the way things get manipulated through media and technology. And of course those who control it, if someone controls it, at least people benefit from it, won’t let you take control. All in the name of security, safety, love, unity, freedom and peace or war of course. As if authority at any given time in history was not doing what they wanted.

It starts with using the word “Anarchy” when there was chaos somewhere. While the word itself actually is not chaos. But the media likes to call chaos this way or call anarchy chaos, to make people believe that everyone talking about it wants total chaos. Anomie is the word they should use if even because it actually represent something similar to total chaos. Anarchy actually represents the idea of a state or country not ruled by a government or superior order, leader etc. in which the people agree upon certain rules and then defend and act upon those rules out of own will.

So anarchy actually would be the form of social or govering system you would want, instead of democracy or communism or even worse, monarchy and dictatorships and alike. Why is democracy not good, while communism is also not good? The problem lies in the concept of it. Because there always remains a party or group of people superior above others. And even if they should maybe at first be willing to represent your individual rights, as soon as corporations or other people with power either promise them power or threaten them, the whole thing is dead.

If you look at the U.S., at China, Russia, Germany (or the whole EU) and also most other countries, you will see, that they are very similar after all. There always remains a superior “party” or minority of people in charge.

The thing with “the majority is always wrong” is also wrong, but sadly right at the moment. Why is it right and therefor supports the claim? Because people are brainwashed in some way or simply not intelligent. While usually the more intelligent people are busy trying to keep their jobs or whatever they do. So in the end, the majority might think they are right and then act wrong, because they never question the system.

It is as if you are a rat and you get food each day, while being trapped in a box. The people caring for you sometimes pet you, care for your health, clean your shit and so on, but you remain in the box. So this one day when you don’t get your food, you probably would make noise and punch against the walls of the box. But why didn’t you do so all the time before? Given that the existence of the box and you being trapped in it already should have been reason enough to complain.

It is, because you grew up in it and also got support in it, so why should you want to be somewhere else or even think about it? And when you realize the walls, it could be too late, but not necessarily. And luckily we still are not inside physical boxes like prisons, or are we? It is up to you to think it through for yourself. Not everyone is in this box, but way too many people, most people I would say. Even those who think they are not. Because they only got into the next bigger box. Like the rat which escaped the box and found itself inside a lcoked house.




If you want a working system, you have to question the current ones.

“Never change a running system.” people say. But what if it never really worked? If you ignore the suicides, the people faking their smile and all these things, then of course everything is totally fine… of course it is. Just keep listening, keep believing everything others tell you.

You shouldn’t even trust or believe me. But I bet it is easier to not trust me, than people who convince you that everything indeed works. I bet. It should work, it would great if it would work, but it doesn’t, not for everyone.