“Know what you are fighting for.”
Because if you don’t imagine your goals, your victories, how will you win?
Imagine them to be already fullfilled and maybe they are reached sooner than you imagined. And if not, at least you knew that it would have been good, should it not work out after all.
Evil may come, evil for it will be perished.
Because someone always seems to get evil or at least mean.
Live to teach, live to help, live to give reason and fight back.
Life is worth fighting for it because if you would die anyway, why not at least fight until it is over. For the fight is life, for love is the power. If you love yourself you are powerful. If you then also love to help those around you, you are heroic. But start with yourself first, otherwise you will be used, tricked or torn apart. Know your friends. Know your worth, for you are priceless, while some could set a price for you. You can accept it and give up or fight and show that you are truely alive. Not everyone has to be a knight or a strong appearance. What is within matters – sometimes words, fast reactions and hiding is not a shame. Because it would be foolish to run in an open knife, if you know that you wouldn’t win the fight.
Not everyone has to be strong all the time, no one should need to be strong all the time, it makes you weaker over time, exhausts you and at some point you could loose the focus. Give yourself a voice, give yourself love and show yourself that you are alive. And if it is just for the two of us. You have the right to live like any other being.
I am guilty of eating animals.
I had horrible thoughts on my mind.
Against myself or against others, when I was trapped in the hell people made me disappear. But I walked out of it. I fall back into it and I fly out of it again. Until it disappears completely. The thoughts which are not mine.
When I was in secondary school I sometimes thought how it would be to walk through the school with a mask and a gun. In my imagination I never wanted to kill anyone, but still I imagined it. And I wanted them to fear me and confront them with what they made me think and do.
But I didn’t of course, but also not in a normal conversation. It wouldn’t have helped back then. Each time I tried it made it worse, back then.
Later I sometimes imagined pushing people in front of trains or just jumping down there myself. But I didn’t although at some point my feet sometimes got a mind on their own and I had to make them stop. Sometimes my feet were walking towards a bridge or a river and I had to force myself to walk away from it.
I got thoughts about killing random people on a train station, I got a weird feeling when I walked home and someone was walking in front of me. I felt like a stalker sometimes. I felt like a serial killer sometimes. I felt like a psychopath, like a monster. But I didn’t do it, although sometimes it was very hard to not do it.
I ended up harming myself even more and in the mirror I saw a killer.
It was sure my face, but the eyes looked dead, the face like a mask.
All of these thoughts, images in my head and behavior I developed.
It made me fear myself, what I have become. I wasn’t myself, but luckily I could fight my way out of it. It almost killed me literally, but without this fight, maybe this year I would have been dead or one of the reason why you should take the videos serious. Especially those about self-defense in this post.
As a kid I never wanted to harm anyone, I wanted to have fun, play games and enjoy life. Many things happened to me and turned my world upside down. At first I promised myself to die young and then I lost all hope and almost took other lives. I never wanted that, I always wanted to help people, wanted to give them love, hope. I wasn’t myself for many years.
I still have the scars in my mind, but they are healing. And I really wish no one to go through this. Be it an actual attack or just imagining it, feeling like it. No matter on which side, both sides are painful. But the attacker usually doesn’t have love anymore, no hope and therefor turns into a devil.
Just remember that I could have been one of the reasons why people should be able to defend themselves or at least escape somehow, before it is too late. And also think about what you say to people, because words are weapons or at least can be weapons. And if you destroy with your words or actions, what hope someone has left, you might not be better in the end.
Don’t make fun of people, don’t bully them and accept them as who they are. People who are different can actually be helpful, maybe help you out, cheer you up and be creative. Introverted people often get overlocked, bullied or left out. They usually are smarter. They often don’t find back, until it could be too late.
Why do school shootings happen? There are many reasons, but a main reason is, that someone got bullied, maybe had a bad family, no friends or only fake friends, who got ignored by the people around them or always laugh out. Who got forced to act in a certain way in school, while they didn’t see the point. Many things can make someone do horrible things. But in general when someone is left alone.
If you give them nowhere to hide, no space to express themselves for who they actually are or maybe ignore the cries for help.
I didn’t want help because I wanted to die.
And there was no help which could have helped me with this.
Nothing but other people with problems. Because then I knew that I wasn’t alone. But first I had to face my demons. And I probably had a legion inside me. When you feel like a passenger within your own body for the most part. When you only see destruction and despair. I feel you, it was my life, whenever I got reminded that I am different, that I can’t be myself.
Therefor fight for your life. If you are trapped inside, you often don’t realize it anymore. I didn’t realize it after some years. It felt normal, while I still knew that it was not right, but I thought I would die either way, so what’s the point. Still I tried to at least no harm others because somehow I still knew that it was not good. But I guess only because I had a strong mind and heart as a kid and because I knew how the world works when I was a child. I just let others take it all away from me until I was my own enemy and almost yours.
I had so many diabolic and horrible things in my head.
It still feels like a dream, because it was so not me. But because my life usually felt like a movie, like a dream, I didn’t realize it until I turned to the only person I trusted or at least somehow knew I could trust.
Without him, I would have lost this fight. He didn’t do much, couldn’t do much. Just stayed with me, listened, read and sometimes asked questions or told me that he still loves me. I couldn’t believe it. Because I couldn’t love myself. But when I was about to end my life, I thought: “No, I can’t let him alone now.” And so I fought this day in December until I got home again, then I watched a movie on Netflix, totally broke, shocked and confused. And I was confronted with what I could have become. But the women in the movie won the fight and so did I. And then I knew, that everything will be alright. The following week feeled like heaven. I hugged my colleagues, was starting to talk to them more. But some weeks later another wave hit me. And then I knew, I had to quit my job because going to work felt like dying.
I must have felt like this the whole time before, but because I was so gone, I didn’t realize it, didn’t feel anything most of the time, just cold.
I had some more battles during the months, but with each battle won, I got stronger, my mind opened up again and I was able to see things clearer more and more.
But now I know, what I am fighting for. I am fighting for my life, so I can make yours better as well. Or at least help some people.
Whatever is in your head, whatever people made you think or do, you are no monster. You might just not be in charge of your own life. Search someone you trust, your best friend if possible. And then just let it all out. I mean, write about it, if you can’t speak, or talk about it. But don’t hide things, because at some point they will take control over you because the mind has to release information or pressure once in a while. If you can cry it is the best thing because if you can’t cry anymore, it is serious. Whenever I could cry, I didn’t want it to stop. Because when I was 12 or 13 I think I stopped crying because otherwise I would have cried everyday. It was too much.
And of course at some rare moments I could, but it was like a couple of times in a year maybe.
If you cry, don’t feel ashamed or weird. It is good to cry. It is natural and normal. Although many people try to hide it or surpress it. Tears or weeping releases pressure and can help your brain to process injustice, loss and other painful things. When I cry now, I feel love and whenever I can cry, it is the best time in my life. Because I couldn’t cry for many years.
Don’t go where I go because only because I found a way out of it again, doesn’t mean that you should risk going there. And if you should be on the edge of slipping into it or mapping you try to get out or you notice someone who might need to cry, make them cry and just stay with them. At work people didn’t notice how bad it was because I sometimes laughed with them, smiled and I myself even forgot about it. The worst thing would have been if someone would have tried to get me to professional help. Because then I guess it would have triggered me or whatever was in my mind. So I am glad no one did or at least didn’t force me to.
A friend often is better, a real friend.
Because I never really could trust doctors or therapists anyway for many reasons. They are also just people, but I have my reasons.
Show love, patience and really care for the people, instead of telling them to go to professional help. It just could make the person on the other and feel even more alone, misunderstood and maybe hated. And while in my case people usually misunderstood what I wanted to say it was even more terrible. If you can’t handle it on your own, of course it is better to reach out for an emergency hotline or such things. Of course. Or if you can’t help your friend alone, go with them together. Show them that you really care and want to know what is going on. And don’t say it is all crazy or weird. I knew myself it was when I started to open up. But would I have been reminded all the time, I would have shutdown again.
Only because someone looks happy, looks good or normal to you, doesn’t mean that they love themselves or really know who they are or what they actually want. Smiling is easy, but crying is not. And if you cry a lot, there is a reason for it. Find the reason, find what is hurting you (if you cry in general and not just when there is a sad moment in a movie or something). Your body wants to tell you that you or something in your life is not alright.
Listen to your gut or try to find your gut feeling again. When you are trapped inside yourself. You mostlikely have a hard time finding or trusting it, but it is still there, like your heart still beats and you still breath in.
Conquer your body, conquer your life.
Rich people who are rich because they actually made something useful to help everyone, are those who I have no problem with. Because they are or at least were aware of their power and usually started small to build something up.
So I have no problem with success, with people who really do help others and then also get something back for that. But some people who are rich aren’t rich because they worked for it, at least not to help people but to control them.
The thing is that I believe in good and that everyone can change.
It is up to everyone to check on themselves, whether they like what they see in the mirror or not. Some people maybe can’t be safed.
I just want to make clear, that the people who work, should not be treated as working units, but as full human beings. Money is worth nothing in the end, so why do we limit ourselves to it?
If someone just wants to build a house because he is pretty good at building houses, then great, if they feel good about themselves. But I still see and think that many people are not happy. That many people are ignored and used like machines. If the people working in a company would instead of working for it, work with it, it would make way more sense to me. This means, that if the people in a company would actually be free to decide for themselves, what they want to do, it would help everyone. Some companies already do such things and I support that. But still I think that the need to go to work is still a little painful. Maybe there even wouldn’t be such a thing like money, but let’s say access to food, fitness and no set working hours.
What would happen if you would for example let people take some positions in a company (or working group or whatever you want to call a collective of people working to actually make the world better) and give them the chance to come and go as they want. And also not limit the amount of people working for a company. So for example that people in companies would in general not have to work the whole (working) week and instead maybe just three days, maybe some week only one day and then maybe some weeks not at all and then maybe they work several weeks with only some days off in between. Meaning, that they could decide for themselves whether they would want to make the world a better place that they, or take care of things in their life and maybe relax some time to also get inspired.
Because in the classical way of work, which sadly still exists in many countries and companies, it is that you have to get up in the morning and work till evening or afternoon. Or at least a third or half the time of the day. And that you have to work eventually otherwise you lose the job, get no money or whatever. While then the question would be, does the company actually care for the people working in it? Some companies do care, they actually have free food, free fitness machines and stuff. But still, I think they lack the possibility to simply let the people decide when to work.
So that work would actually be something you would want to do when you feel like it. Because when I want to do something useful or good, I just do it because it feels right and good. Either for myself or the people I might help with it.
The word “work” actually hurts me. Why?
Because for me “work” means serving as a slave.
While when I do something for myself or people I want to help and or reach, I can focus on it a whole day or a whole week, without the need to stop or a feeling of pain. Because I want to help and I feel like I am actually helping.
Would I not do that, then I would feel pain, useless or just weird after some time. But this doesn’t mean that everyone has to do it my way.
And I would also like to say that we should really pay more attention on the people who make our lives more colorful and the world brighter.
The creative people, the introverted people and the people who clean the toilets, bring away the garbage, and all that. They are often used as if they were changeable machines. They get not paid much, they often have no good health care and sometimes their rights even get ignored.
If those who do the hardest or most important work in my – in my eyes – get ignored by most people, we can’t survive. If the people who do the dirty work are ignored, treated like shit, they of course hate their job even more and themselves. This leads to less motivation and the job is done without love or motivation, sometimes not at all. I saw it when some cheap companies had to care for plants or cleaning, that they just arrived, did move over the surface or something and then left quick again. Or just cut the plants in a way not good for the plants not for the view.
It is not the fault of the worker, in my opinion. Because the worker feels useless and so the work also seems useless or not important. And often their managers or bosses give them only a limited amount of time, so they can safe money.
I mean in some countries human rights are completely ignored, but I think in most countries we have still a lot of issues. Usually because laws are still not really supporting us. So I think that building up companies or working groups, small or big, which really focus on nature, human basic needs, health and such things, that the motivation would be high, especially if the people working would be not slave minded, but masterminded. So that they would have their personal areas in which they can do what they want to help, in a way they want to help and then together with others make it happen. Like Indie-Game Studios for example. They are a very special and needed, because they give us games to feel emotions, face our fears or mental illness or whatever we are struggling with. Some even give space to be creative yourself. And many people make wonderful art, memes, videos and things because of them.
If companies wouldn’t be companies, but like family and friends, you would see that people would work, with or without money. Because they would take care of each other. Would help each other and find ways together to make things happen. While in many “classical” companies people might have some extras or promotion etc. but they would be still forced to always show up when the manager or boss or whoever is in charge, wants them to come. This often causes families to get broke, children to feel less important and people in general feel less important. Because if they can’t really be free from work and it is always in their head, their phone, mails etc. at some point you just collapse.
For example, now that I try to give my views to the world, I sit several hours, sometimes a whole day writing, watching and thinking. But it feels good and fullfills me. Because I am not working for someone else but me and you (if it should help you or at least inspire you in some way).
People who work for themselves or for what they want to change and help with in the world, usually are more motivated, feel good about what they do and also free.
And I mean, what goes against the possibility that you invite people to come and work with you in some way, while they would be able to change the world through it?
Some startups promise this, while not paying much or nothing at all, only to let people down.
But I think, that this would only be a problem, if you need certain stanrads in the beginning. Because if people would be able to work from home (in case their job is able to do from home) like now in the current situation, you wouldn’t need to pay for a big building and a lot of devices and stuff. People could use their own devices until you get better ones. And help each other out. Farmers are also not well supported after all. It grows I think or hope, but still it is not enough. Because I am talking about local ones, not the big ones who usually don’t really care for what they are planting or how the animals feel.
The chicken from local farmers where I live travel around the area with a mobile station. So they can go inside if it rains or they want to, but also walk around outside in some area with enough space. The eggs taste a lot better than the ones from supermarkets. Because I have seen how so called BIO – farms look like. Basically the same like others, and there are a lot of sick chicken, some of them die in their own shit and they have not much space and all that mess. It makes you wanna vomit. Same goes for milk from cows.
I mean, of course we could stop the use of animals for food as a whole and while I am still eating animals sometimes, I guess I could live without it.
I already tried it once and it worked pretty well.
But well, it is also like some kind of addiction in some way. If you once start to eat flesh again, you want more at some point.
Okay, I think I reached the end of this very, very long post.
At least for the writing. I am tired and it is in the middle of the night.
Thank you for taking all this time reading. I hope at least a part of it was kind of helpful or interesting and that I didn’t forget words in some sentences.
I usually don’t read my posts only sometimes. So I hope it is / was okay.
💜 Spread the love!
If all people would feel love, would feel good more often, earth could be heaven. For some people it already is, while for many it is hell or something in between.
Everyone could actually feel good. Because we would still have our stories, sad stories, horrible stories and things like games and all, to experience what once was, like we already do.
This means, that the feeling of love and joy would be still reckognized as such because we would remember that once days were painful, seemed pointless and many suffered because others were not paying attention or wanted them to suffer.
Sadly this is still not the past, but the present.
So for those who still can’t imagine a heaven on earth, you will still be able to feel every feeling if you want, but if you feel the love, it would all be good in a way. So there wouldn’t be pain. In my forest walks I experienced it, so I know it exists. Also while watching some videos and writing some things.
At the moment it might just be temporary, but if we all would finally let got off money and things which don’t really give us what we need. We could focus more on each other and ourselves. If we all would be able to do what we actually would love to do or be and those who still don’t let it be or make others feel bad would be no more because people would all wake up. I see it possible.
“I Have a Dream“Martin Luther King