How it comes and goes

Jesus was all about the questioning, revalidating and cared for everyone who needed love, help and especially those who were unseen or unwanted by the society.

What people made out of the written words, is their thing, but he just did good. So even if you think it was just a miracle, maybe some things were interpreted wrong and also written more suitable for the time. And even then, there is value to use for our time now.

Because he did, what most people still can’t and some things no one can, it seems. But Alan Watts also questioned Jesus position as the only son of God and the only one capable of the power described. And he did it with a good intention and for a peaceful world.

It reflected my own believe and is of course not proof, but what really is solid, right?

I also thought, that Jesus probably wanted people to start questioning because he was talking that children do like their parents and so on and that one time it will change. Because it was the only way for peace and actual freedom.

And he went to the people who were scripturalists and said what he had to say, that they are whitewashed faces and snakes or something like that.

The thing is that many so called christians don’t understand this and that Jesus would actually say the same about them, if they value words more than people and don’t see with their heart.

It is somewhat ironical that Jesus is like the main figure of the christian religion, but no one really cares about his actual message, ideas and doing.

People just do what others tell them or what seems to fit in their life and their point of view. And with that they manipulate others and force others to think the same way. Some christians don’t do that and this is not against christians. It is more against people who think they are something they are not, just to be safe or on the right side. Jesus was on no ones side, he went against the tradition and religion. He tried to explain that God (the things we are part of or what / who might be out there) is something alive, something beautiful and that it is about yourself and what you can do.

But even the ones following him didn’t really understand it, otherwise they wouldn’t have called the women who saw Jesus after he came to live again, that they must be liars.

Jesus also said to his disciples or at least Thomas, that they should question things and not simply follow someone who calls himself Jesus or makes wonders or something. And around 2000 years later people are still following churches, pray to dead symbols and follow wonders where often are just tricks. It doesn’t mean that every unexplainable event or wonder is fake or a trick, but most are. False information is more likely to spread because it often is designed to be believed and to fit in with many people. So most won’t question it and therefor believe it. Be it science, be it religion, be it governments or a guy who calls himself the peace bringer or something.

When Jesus said that the people should eat his flesh and drink his blood, so that they could get to the father or heaven. And that only through him they could get there, I see a riddle or I see expected questions. But people didn’t ask questions and just left, probably calling names and such. Jesus even asked his disciples whether they want to leave or stay. At least they stayed, but they also didn’t question it.

I mean, there also might be a possibility that he meant the things he said, but that they had a different meaning in the original text and even there probably not the full. Because I also sometimes use words to explain something and in my head it makes sense, but then people understood something completely different. So maybe he meant, that we should transform ourselves into what he already was. Because only this way we would be able to live in peace together and also wouldn’t have to die.

But people do what people do and people think what people want to think and they believe what they think or think what they want to believe or … whatever.

If you still think I am religious, you probably didn’t pay attention, but that is okay. I also sometimes judged people in the past for something they were not and then I myself sometimes maybe was more of what I thought they were.

The bible is a riddle which can’t be solved through religous thinking, can’t be solved through scientific aproaches and also not through denial or blind believe. You have to put it all into a box, shake it and then try to understand what you are looking at. And I mean you have to put everything you know or experienced in that box and shake it. But it is just visual description and simply means you have to actually think for yourself. Because if you believe science, if you believe everyone but yourself, everyone could fool you. I could fool you and I definitely don’t know everything. But I have imagination and therefor can imagine how it might be like. Those of you who think heaven is boring or unreachable, don’t understand that it is probably about our world and that with creativity and change of things there will never be something boring. Just look at all the plants, animals, games we created, books we have written, movies and all the space unexplored. And now tell me, that heaven is boring.

And for me it is possible that after I die, maybe I go somewhere else. But even the bible says that it will be on earth if you read it. So why not, right?

The problem why everything seems so scary, so dangerous, so wrong, painful, difficult, pointless and like a neverending nightmare, is, because the love is not present. Or way too few love. And often those who could and would give love are scared and broken by those who already lost their love or maybe never had it. And so the cycle goes on and on. Love would fix it. Love meaning to appreaciate nautre, other people and to try to teach them and help them, instead of fighting them. But we also have to protect ourselves because others aren’t were we are. They would maybe even start a new war because they think we are evil or wrong. So better be prepared for a war, be it a small one between a hand ful of people or a big one.

Hope and love, at least I can have them and give them. Otherwise I would only see a dead end, like most of the time before. But when I was young, there never was a dead end, there were too many possiblities to count and all were great and beautiful. Let us come back to them or go towards them and leave the fighting behind, I mean the destruction. And this means, that everyone should be able to do follow their heart. It doesn’t mean to force yourself or others to do work or things you or they don’t want. But sadly this is how the world worked most of the time up until now.

I was trapped myself in broken thinking for most of my life because people around me always tried to tell me what is right or wrong. And so I thought that I must be crazy or would be called crazy. Not for what actual crazy developed over the years because I was unheared and kept it all inside, but the things I now rediscovered and also thought about again.

It is okay for people to believe free, but then they should let their children and others also decide free and not force them to.

I got brainwashed, confused and in general was the outsider of the outsiders, while I sometimes wasn’t when I played by others rules. But inside I never was part of anything and never really trusted anyone. I didn’t even trust myself and just wanted to be dead, so it would all end. Because I thought that would I be dead either all would be over or I could at least be in another hell or state of existence. So I had nothing to lose, but I kept on marching because something (inside) of me didn’t let me die. And it was good.

Although it was more about me not being able to take my life because I was too sensitive and therefor just imagining it was pretty heavy. Still there also was this hope, that maybe I wouldn’t have to die, should there actually be someone who at least tries to understand me. And there was and there are. They were just not as visible before as they are now. But I guess there always were people who questioned things, but before it was way harder to find others than now.

Often reality was more just the things which were present most of the time or at least from my memory and feeling seemed to be real. I mean of course it was real for me, but more like a real nightmare or living nightmare.

So it was like, okay if this is how life is, than it must be real, real shit, real horror, but at least something I could say for sure is true, at least to not go fully crazy. And from the outside my life wasn’t too bad, wasn’t much of a horror movie I guess. But people didn’t see what I saw, didn’t feel what I felt and maybe not even understood what I found out over the years. This is why I then actually got somewhat crazy or at least deeply depressed and resignated. I am so thankful for all the people who I met along the way who at least were company for me and we had some good times. I couldn’t really talk with them about what was going on in my head, but at least they made me forget about it for some time and showed me that there is hope. That not everyone is just about success, power or simply moving on. But when I turned my back on them life obviously got even harder and more surreal and horrible. But I thought it had to be this way, that I would die anyways, so why not like this.

And I know I wrote about this many times now, but it really is still pretty tough for myself to really handle it. Because I can talk about it, write about it and think about it, but it still is weird. I mean for me this is as if someone told you their whole life and you simply say “Well, okay, I guess. Was interesting. Next please.” But the one telling and saying am I myself. And that can’t be healthy. So there still must be a lot of tears to cry, tears I still couldn’t cry, while I could cry this year probably more than my whole life or at least since secondary school, when I lost my ability to cry / weep. Because it was too much, so nothing came out anymore while I often wanted to, but nothing happened. And people have to cry, to release the pressure. It is healthy, but often people who cry are called names. It is all just so weird…

I guess that my plan to die in the long run, was actually to live in the long run. But I wasn’t sure about it back then when it all started. It was a survival strategy, while you wouldn’t call it that way from a normal point of view. It wasn’t but at least it helped me anyways. Not to call it good, but also not to say that it didn’t teach me.

And one final question for you today:

Have a good day or night or dream!

Love you guys! 💜³ 😀


  1. I didn’t watch the question video so I’m not sure what your question is.

    It’s okay to write it again and again. You process it in a slightly different way each time.

    I’ve met some truly awesome Christians. Who don’t preach and I love them. I’ve met on here many more of the other kind. Who will talk about jesus on my blog. The ones I’m in touch with, a couple, will warn me whether a song they want to share has Christian lyrics. I don’t think you’re religious in that sense – yes I did read (replying to what you said that anyone who still thinks you’re religious) but you’ve a belief that I would have called religious. Not sure what I’d call it instead.

    Love is always the answer. And the main place to find it is oneself I think.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Love is always the answer. And the main place to find it is oneself I think.” And that is what it is all about.

      And yes, I also met and know awesome Christians. 🙂 But I also know many who are more about words in a book or what others say.

      The video with the question had “Your money or your life” and that actually was the question. But the content was also pretty interesting. The player had the option to pay money or (basically) to say “Take it if you can.” And then he paid and the other one said: “You are smarter than you look!:” Then the player stole the money and the other one replied “Take it, it is worth nothing to me anyway:”
      It was simply, a random video, but had a pretty deep message for me. Like, what is worth more for you, “your money or your life” because money is worth nothing in the end, while you can always get some back, after you paid. But if you are dead. you are dead.

      About my belief, I know that it could be seen religious or would be called this way. But for me religious (in my head) means to be about words in a book and not to see beyond. And in my head religion is dead, while some people who follow them don’t have to be, if they are honest and truly search or want to help through it. But for me religion and religious things usually meant something negative.
      I would say, that I am very open minded, sometimes probably too far out because I often try to find common ground between different topics. Usually I find some and some very interesting things develop out of it in my head. But when I try to explain it, people are confused and put me either in a box or simply can’t follow. And then I again think it might be better to not talk or share what is in my head at all.

      If it shouldn’t make sense, okay, I guess. Nothing new for me, but I guess you are just not sure what to think about it. Understable.

      So thank you for the reply and that you are interested in what weird things I write.


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