Some people speak languages, I speak music.
But really, it is easier than using words myself.
Music is a language. My first / primary language.
But no matter what language, job or topic.
I will always be misunderstood, will try to stay quiet, if I can hold myself back. It doesn’t matter, as long as I know what I wanted to say.
Even if no one understands, at least I tried.
When people hear that I can program and know things about computers, they sometimes asked me about technical details. Or which parts are better and how to make this or that with the computer. And then I felt so dumb and answered as if I don’t understand.
And yes, I don’t really go for what is better and such things. I just want to understand how the things work.
I have a problem with names. Be it people, products, topic related terms and shortcuts etc.
So when people ask me something related to a name or such things, I often am confused and don’t understand. So they think I don’t know something about the topic or don’t really understand the topic. But I simply value data over names. And then people always say, but you need those if you want to do something in this area. But I know that I don’t need it because I have all the data inside and I understand how the thing works. At least as far as I need at the point in time.
But people don’t get that and so I feel stupid, act stupid and then they think I am stupid. Sometimes I think that myself.
The problem is, that I just can’t really explain things in words, when I have to. I can write things down in this blog for example. When I am alone. But even then things probably are not the same as they are in my head.
Therefor I am not able to really communicate my inside to the outside or in other words, to you. Maybe you understand my messages, but I bet most people don’t. They think from the way I look, speak and act, that I must be alright inside or that I either have no clue or all the answers about a topic.
But I just have what I need and what might be needed to help someone else.
So I can only do things really good, when I am alone or when the other person / people aren’t talking with me while I am doing something.
Because when I have to talk, most of my brain has to focus on translating into basic human language. Then the actually easy task maybe could take several hours because of the talking. But people don’t get that and I can’t really explain it to them.
I often had situations like that, I would talk to someone several hours because of a computer problem. Then I would either go home or stop the voicechat and minutes later I had the solution. Why? Well, because I finally could use all of my brain to find a solution.
For you it might is normal to talk while working, for me it isn’t. Sometimes when I actually was at work, before I quit my job, I also started talking. But I guess it was the depression which reached a point where I was trying to reach out to people, but all what came out was garbage. Or it was just the brain having a medium meltdown, I don’t know.
Sometimes I can talk for hours, but it is mostly a monolog. Because of data which has to get out, data which I want to share. But because people don’t understand, I sometimes repeat it and then because of that hate myself.
Then I try to not talk at all, what then results in questions whether I am offended.
I even found an old message from a teacher who wrote, that I was not paying attention and working in class with a sad face. I actually liked this teacher, she seemed nice, but as always, they couldn’t help me.
“No one can help me.”
This is actually the case because no matter what people do, they can’t help me because they can’t fix the things which make me crazy. They are not inside of me, so I can’t fix them at the moment and others can’t fix them at all, it seems. Maybe some, but I am not sure sometimes. I just know that I am not alone.
I have different moods and I know why I am the way I am. I also know how to get out of it, but in my case I have the question: “Do I actually want to get out of it?”
Or in other words: “Why do I always want to get out of it, while I know that I want to go back in each time I got out?”
This means, that whenever I figure out how everything works (world, universe, humanity, life, …), I am pretty terrified, then I am pretty happy and then I am again terrified and want to forget about it all.
It worked the last times, well I mean I went back into a dream state, but at least I didn’t have to think that much about it.
This time it feels different and I also did a lot of things I never did before.
I started blogging, not just posting some weird poems and I make music as if my life depends on it (that is actually more true than you think).
Without it, I would have gone either totally crazy, died or I don’t know… but nothing good – that is for sure.
So what do I do with this?
I have thoughts and concepts in my mind.
But I mean while most of it makes sense and I know things for myself, I am not able to really put it into words.
I already tried and did parts of it, but it never really gives the full picture which is inside my head. And because of that I sometimes think that I might actually just be crazy and that I have dumb ideas which can’t be true or real.
“It is complicated.”
And the “joke” is, that I wrote so many things and talk so much sometimes, that people think that I can’t be serious when I say, that I am not good with words.
I mean, compared to some people maybe, but the problem is that from my personal perspective I am bad with words, because I always just try to express what I actually meant with some words. But in the end most of the time it isn’t all or maybe even gets interpreted in a totally different way.
I might use many words, I might be able to form them well and place them in an interesting way, but was is important: The words or the message?
I often walk through the day and I am not sure whether I am just in a coma, thinking this is my life, while I am in a bed somewhere.
And the problem with this is, that it sometimes makes sense.
If I would actually imagine everything around me because it is just in my head, I would know that people couldn’t understand me. So my mind would create a dream in which actually everyone is just a character to make me remember that I am not meant to be in this place. That I am just in a coma and that I should wake up because no matter what I do inside the coma, it won’t make me feel better in the end.
So I would have to wake up from the coma, but I can’t because I adapted to the reality around me, while I never was a part of it. But because it always felt like this or at least most of the time, I can’t see the difference.
So would I be in a coma, I wouldn’t notice it, would I be in a lucid dream, I wouldn’t notice it because my life seems like a coma, like a dream. A dream in which no one understands me. Then I also didn’t want to understand myself, but no I do understand it again.
The thing is, that I also know that this might and should actually be “reality” the thing in which we are all together.
And would that be the case, then I am not sure whether I should do something more than writing or even write. Because from what I know inside, I could cause a lot of problems while I also could make so many great things.
And I don’t really want that my power makes more problems, we already have enough.
I can only hope that what I do will be good. I mean I know that I do these things because I want things to be good for those who are like me or who are in worse situations. But only because I know that I want to do good and do things because I want to help, doesn’t mean that it will be seen as such or interpreted as such.
And because of that, maybe it would actually better to stop what I am doing here. But I am not really sure whether I can actually stop now or even should stop now. Because I know, would I really force myself to stop now, maybe I would never speak again.
And that my friend, would be a shame, wouldn’t it?
I mean, maybe for some people it would be easier because then I would at least not give them worries or confused them.
But for myself it would mean the end, at least when it comes to hope.
Then I would not care at all again. Would just wait for death again.
But I know that death isn’t waiting for me to die.
What does a super power help, when you can’t use it while others are around? Well it could still help, but you just can’t explain it to someone.
I mean what does it matter, right? I could just laugh and say: “They don’t know, I know more than them:” and then laugh about how stupid some people are who judge people from the way they look.
But because I often question myself and what I know and because I save and process data in a different way than most people I also don’t fit in no matter which topic, job or area.
Only to some degree and when I then say more or do more, I don’t fit in. So from my side I probably will never really fit in, but other people think that I am this or that.
In some way I found a “family”, people who I can relate to. But because I am not sure how they actually are and think, maybe I also don’t really fit in with them.
On the other hand, everyone who is open can come to me, but I can’t go to someone. I only have one trusted friend who at least tries to understand.
Maybe he knows more than me in the end.
Because my self-worth, self-esteem got torn apart when I was little, I usually thought that others sure know more about a topic and that they can do things while I can’t. To a point where I actually could do way more than them, while I still thought that it was the other way around. Only to find out about it when they asked me how I did what I did.
I know how a computer works inside. I don’t know every detail, but would I need it, I would try my best to find some information about it until I understand more. For myself I know enough and when a situation needs more information I search for more and get more.
But I don’t collect data like “Is an intel 78k better than an AMD Ryzen 37xx?” Or “How can you change the color of the mouse cursor in Windows?” or “Is a LED display better than a OLED display?” or “Which note do you have to play when you want to achieve this sound?” or “Can you tell me which taktrate this was made with?” … and so on.
These things are unimportant data and information for me. And when I get asked such things I often try to give an answer, but often it is either stupid or at least feels stupid. Better give these questions to people who are good with these words and who have all this data in their heads for some reason.
I usually compress data I don’t need at the moment and the other things get marked as unimportant. And the rest is in my “RAM” you could say.
Because when I am focused on a task I go to bed with all this data and wake up with all the data. But only when I am able to do it my way, so not under pressure, not while working for money / a company and such things.
And when I am done with a task, I either erase the data or compress / save it for later.
So when I would have to do something similar again, I might have to learn and experience it all again because I erased the data.
Or I have to take some time to rewire the parts again in order to decompress the old experience. And if people talk with me, this is almost impossible.
So you see, my brain is not meant for a normal life or how most people think.
When I feel good, when I am not attacked or pushed to do something I don’t want, I of course can also talk with people. I used to talk to people when I was in my first years because I wanted to learn more about them and from them.
But when I found out that they have nothing important to tell most of the time, I more and more lost the interest.
So for example, if someone wants to talk about their traumatic past and tries to repair, I want to listen, want to know more because it is important for me to help and also it is a topic I can’t get enough information about. The best source are the people dealing with it (like me for example) because the doctors or therapists often have no idea what they are talking about.
Some are, for example some who may have experienced at least something in their past. And they usually are pretty good because of that, but many are just there for the money and because they read some books, I guess.
I don’t want to read books, or get theoretic solutions or chemical solutions for problems which often are caused by something else and also have to be healed in a different way.
Therapy fails, if you set a limit.
Therapy fails, if you only go to a certain point.
Therapy fails, if there is no empathy.
Therapy fails, if you push for a fast solution.
Therapy fails, if you have to think about a lot of other stuff as well.
So why does therapy fail? Well, I think because people don’t pay attention to the people who need help. They just pay attention to data or information they once got taught, read somewhere or maybe mixed together themselves.
I also mix things together, that is how my brain learns. But for my part, I don’t need someone who tells me what I am or how I feel. They can’t know that.
For my part I know, that no one can help me. It just is a fact. Because I am the only one who can help me. The problems I am dealing with are way to complex. Because people don’t understand me most of the time.
I know myself that I am a human, at least when it comes to my body and some basic human needs, but that is all I guess.
So I don’t need people who tell me, that I have to be a different human.
What I need, is that the problem(s), like capitalism, to be gone.
But in such a complex and difficult way, that I sometimes think that it really is impossible. The thing is, that I actually believe in the easy solution, just a peaceful revolution and I am still doing it, focusing on it. But I often loose the hope again.
In my head I already have everything set, everything figured out, but I am just too scared that I might do it all wrong.
Because people misunderstand me.
So I try my best, really, but I so often think that I shouldn’t continue.
That I was better with my escape plan, to end up in some clinic or in a tomb.
We will see.
Given from what I know, I know that I could just sit and wait.
But I think, that I have to do something visible.
I guess both is true and therefor either way will lead to the good “ending”.
But for me it wouldn’t be an ending.
Again a lot of nonsense, which isn’t nonsense to me, but probably for you.
I hope you still got something out for you. And if not, well at least I can wish you a good dream or good day.