Waking up to the dream of N/A

All my hope is for the dream which will never come true. But I knew it would. Still I think it won’t. What do I know.

But maybe by doing what I am doing now, the dream will actually come true. That’s what death always wanted me to show.

I know.

Some tears of love again. Gave me hope this series. Even when I had some kind of psychosis while watching it. So powerful.

Today I have a doctor appointment for my eyes I got 1-2 years ago. And I think I won’t go. For what purpose. Never really wanted to go to doctors anyway.

But still I can thank all people I met. Because they made me all see how weird this world actually is. And also some gave me some hope. Mainly those I might never met or just saw for some moments. Or those I left behind.

And then I feel like something bad, a monster of some kind.

But I know that it isn’t. I am not a monster. I might be a freak, only when a freak is someone who goes against the current and speaks what actually goes on in their life, in the world and the hearts of all the people.

When I started my unwanted, needed self-therapy / healing process last year. I didn’t know where I would end up. So far I still have the same overall problems. But at least I know, that it isn’t because there is something completely wrong with me. It just is that everything else seems to be and the fact, that I am only sometimes freaking out, is actually pretty astonishing.

So I know that there always is the possibility for good. Wrote about it many times, thought about it, felt it, knew it.

I used to ignore what people say at some point. But not in a good way for them or me. And now I should ignore it again, so that I will only listen to those who would listen to me.

Sadly I sometimes don’t know about the people in family. Whether I should count them in or not. Some need my hope. Some maybe still have their own ideas of life. And it’s okay, but not for me.

I love them anyways and I could I give them a better life, with the snip of a finger, I wouldn’t wait. Would have done it. Even though some people did hurt me pretty heavy, but all these people didn’t know what they were doing. I kind of knew, but I still seemed to fail, seemed to want to ignore it and just fall into the abyss.

It was useless at first, but now it might be the best what could have happened, given that I am still alive, found myself again. Found you and found it all again, what I lost willingly because I couldn’t stand the contrast, the madness back then.

Still heavy, still painful, as you can see by what I post. But also powerful and like a training of some sort.

When the mind is strong, the heart has fire,
I will move on with my mission,
maybe what you could admire,
but it’s not – it’s the vision.

Words can’t describe it, but I tried it anyway,
maybe so you and me could stay?

Waiting for it to be finally here and live,
even if we are screaming, we survive,
even in the fires of hell we don’t burn,
make a move, it’s your turn.



Our turn, I guess.