Failsafe fallen angel

They wanted a leader,
I gave them a crazy one.

They wanted a blessing,
I gave them a curse.

They wanted peace,
[And] I gave them war.

A week – like hours,
until it devours,
your life – time away,
for what do we pay?

The day that we die?
The day we were born?
The time we are living?
The time we were not?

Could I suffer instead of you,
I would for all of you.

But I am just suffering [it] all for me,
that is my purpose – my way to be.

To suffer and hide it away,
otherwise you have to pay,
but it is mine to pay the price,
may I be dumb or wise.

They wanted a leader,
I gave them a someone.

They wanted a blessing,
I gave them a drug.

They wanted peace,
[And] I gave them despair.

Whenever I tried to break free,
I burned the leaves of the tree.

I burned you, myself as well,
why am I writing, just to tell?

I know I am a blessing,
at least for some of you,
I suffer – if that is the thing,
but I know that isn’t true.

My wishes came true,
my fears, they did too,
the smartest idea was,
not live and not die,
so I can give all my,
what a waste, what a loss.

I gave up the love I received.

Why did I?

The love wasn’t the problem.

It was me, I couldn’t accept my role.

I wasn’t meant to receive love,
I wasn’t meant to get noticed.
I was meant to give love,
and make others be noticed.

They wanted a leader,
I gave them a loser.

They wanted a blessing,
I gave them a pain.

They wanted peace,
I gave them nothing.

Nothing there is when I am lost,
only crazy thoughts and frost.


[GERMAN VERSION – TRANSLATION]

Todsicher gefallener Engel

Sie wollten einen Anführer,
Ich gab ihnen einen Verrückten.

Sie wollten einen Segen,
Ich gab ihnen einen Fluch.

Sie wollten Frieden,
[Und] Ich gab ihnen Krieg.

Eine Woche – wie Stunden,
bis es verschlingt,
dein Leben – Zeit hinfort,
für was zahlen wir?

Den Tag an dem wir sterben?
Den Tag an dem wir geboren wurden?
Die Zeit (in der / die) wir leben?
Die Zeit in der wir es nicht taten?

Könnte ich an deiner Stelle leiden,
würde ich das für euch alle tun.

Aber ich erleide (das) alles nur für mich selbst,
das ist meine Bestimmung – mein Weg zu sein.

Zu leiden und es zu verstecken,
ansonsten musst du (es) bezahlen,
aber es liegt an mir den Preis zu zahlen,
möge ich dumm oder weise sein.

Sie wollten einen Anführer,
Ich gab ihn irgendeinen jemand.

Sie wollten einen Segen,
Ich gab ihnen eine Droge.

Sie wollten Frieden,
[Und] Ich gab ihnen Verzweiflung.

Wann immer ich versucht auszubrechen,
habe ich die Blätter des Baums verbrannt.

Ich hab dich verbrannt, mich selbst noch dazu,
warum schreibe ich, nur um es dir zu erzählen?

Ich weiß ich bin ein Segen,
zumindest für manche von euch,
ich leide – wenn es darum geht,
aber ich weiß dass es nicht stimmt.

Meine Wünsche wurden wahr,
meine Ängst, sie wurden es auch,
die schlauste Idee war es,
nicht zu leben und nicht zu sterben,
damit ich alles von mir geben kann,
was eine Verschwendung, was ein Verlust.

Ich gab die Liebe auf, die ich erhalten hatte.

Warum hab ich das?

Die Liebe war nicht das Problem.

Ich war es, ich konnte meine Rolle nicht akzeptieren.

Ich war nicht dafür bestimmt Liebe zu erhalten,
ich war nicht dafür bestimmt bemerkt zu werden.
ich war dafür bestimmt Liebe zu geben,
und dafür zu sorgen, dass andere bemerkt werden.

Sie wollten einen Anführer,
Ich gab ihnen einen Verlierer.

Sie wollten einen Segen,
Ich gab ihnen Schmerz.

Sie wollten Frieden,
Ich gab ihnen nichts.

Nichts wird da sein, wenn ich verloren bin,
nur verrückte Gedanken und eisige Kälte.



27 Comments

  1. This reminded me of sth, I have my own episodes of feeling that i dnt deserve love then when someone seems to be showing me love it feels not like it, maybe my language is different from theirs, i’m just weird or i’m still lacking confidence … 🙃

    Like

    • Well, if you think that you are weird, then I am someone who would be sitting in a nut house. In other words, you can’t be weirder than what I would be myself or think about. And about the confidence part, I am only “confident” most of the time because I “pulled the trigger” (again) and decided that it won’t help me when I don’t do something about all the mess we are in. So when I am outside with other people, I still have to get my confidence back. I was confidence in person when I was a little child and I am getting it back. Not everyone had the luck to have this kind of confidence and understanding I had, but it came with a high price. I tend to step away from others because my feelings are overwhelming and often even are so overwhelming in a negative way because of my life experiences.
      It is something completely different to talk or be with someone face to face than writing.
      And I love a lot of people in different ways.
      You are of course one of them, but it is hard to explain I guess, but maybe you know what I mean. And it is about feeling it, without any words. There are a lot of people I felt very close, even people I only just met randomly somewhere or for a short time. And then there are others I know for a long time, but I just don’t know about what I should feel. But I have a heart especially for weird people (being one myself). 😀
      Usually this weirdness happened because of how we get treated and then also based on that and what we see and experience we get used to things or break parts of ourselves.
      For me being with people I love is usually enough for me to forget everything else and for them it often is similar. It just isn’t what maybe a lot of people think it is about or get told or even think they want. For me this love is for example to sometimes just talk freely about things without feeling bad or awkward, although I first had to overcome this myself, although it started more as an act of complete despair. For some people it might that love is about sleeping with someone or doing certain things for their pleasure. It could be a part of it maybe, but it actually isn’t about all this. At least not about the love I usually mean when I mention it. I would do all I can to help those I love and care about, sadly I often don’t know what to say or do. And I often ignored myself, the actual me, which isn’t someone who wants to hurt others, even to a point that I might be too soft. I can be all kinds of things, but I don’t want to control, own or on the other hand owe others, because I have a high tendency for that at times. And I know too much about what is going on on this earth. It often terrifies me, which is why I have to let the pain and horror in and work through it. If there weren’t these things, these people and stuff, I could enjoy each day and be it a cold, gray winter day with only boring things. I can make people feel better about themselves and then I also feel good. This is how love works for me and also others. It is just complicated for me, when I don’t know what I can and what I can’t say, since some people aren’t as open or understanding as others. Or they maybe don’t want to be for reasons they might be afraid of, like my father probably. I can’t talk with him about anything usually, but when I sometimes took a lot of time and really wanted to help him, he even started to understand me and after some hours it even seemed that he was beginning to see things in another light. But I was feeling exhausted then and very tired, while I was fully of energy when I started to talk with him. Then he just left and the next day it was as if we never spoke… So that really hurt, especially with all what he usually did or does. You must know, that I would also love my father, if he wouldn’t just suck it all up and give nothing in return. Only empty promises, presents we don’t need or want and ye… So in case you should have feelings for me, it didn’t hit on solid walls.

      Now I probably confused you. Hopefully it wasn’t something you didn’t want to read. (And there are a lot of things on my blog not even I want to read again, because of the related pain and horror and disgust about myself, but I probably have to.).

      I tend to distance myself from people because I don’t want to hurt or burden them with my thoughts, feelings or words. And sadly it usually hurt them more in the end because I actually gave them love and some peace in mind, I guess. Now that I see how a lot of them feel and think… 😦
      Thank you for reading my poems and other things from me or also things I shared from others (like these videos for example). 🫂💜

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well i wasn’t confident as a child maybe bcs of how i grew up like to my parents i was always lacking sth and had to try harder, i also always thought i’m ugly (not like i dnt do anymore but maybe i’m a bit peaceful with that fact now knowing i didn’t choose myself and so i was given this face and body to live in and i have to accept them) and so getting confidence was a war of understanding that every one has their own opinions and they shouldn’t affect me bcs simply i have my own which they may or may not agree with as well and so we are equal, now after so many yrs i feel a bit peaceful …

        I do totally agree that love is being free to talk or do whatever you want not matter how weird it is but still feel loved regardless, love for me consists of fully accepting the other person.
        Yeah, i too spent so much time with people i didn’t know what to feel for them and again i gave so much love to some others whom i’m yet speculating if i really had to give all of that love …

        It happened today -the girl i consider my only best friend- disappeared for a whole week mid a serious conversation only to say she was super busy, i didn’t answer that message bcs maybe she was busy but i dn’t believe in busy with love bcs the person i’m would still update and care for the very close ppl even if i had to spare them one minute descending the stairs or inside the toilet … anything just so i keep the string btw us safe …! That’s weird again but that’s just how much i’m willing to try hard, saying you are busy means i’m someone who spends the whole day in bed and therefore i have time to talk and reply but that’s not it at all and i guess that’s a mistake from their side …
        Maybe that’s the way they love but it isn’t mine and so i have matured through all this to understand that i need to find people who would love me the way i want to receive love… i don’t care abt people who never mentioned they love or care abt me but for those who did i wonder if it ever crossed their mind the thought “oh i should check up on her before she gets any weird thoughts” or “we were duscussing this important topic and i left! I should just update her that i’m busy just so she knows” …
        I dnt know if i’m the only one thinking like this or …

        I don’t talk with my dad abt anything bcs i know what his comments will be like before hand and so i avoid anything that would bring abt a fight or misunderstanding, ofc this wasn’t easy and i had to go throu alot to finally understand that father doesn’t accept anyone who goes against him even if ut’s just voicing your idea and holding on to it and so in front of him i’m sometimes forced to act as if i totally agree when i don’t and mom knows that and sometimes had to do the same as well …

        I didn’t answer her fearing i would say sth that would make her feel bad …

        I hate it too when someone just the next day behaves as if there was never a bond btw you too like you never shared any good or deep moments, that’s what i fear most and it did happen to me like twice or thrice.
        Once someone spends sometime with me like even if for just some weeks but then vanishes or just turns away i’m like was that a dream or is that is quite normal for them, am i just being too weak or sensitive, clingy weird or sth i dnt even know lol

        Nah it’s totally okay! I love reading people’s experiences because i want to understand the human mind or the different kinds of personalities… i dnt know but for sure i enjoyed every bit of every poem and was like, oh someone is going through that as well, oh this person shares this though, feeling, idea … as well, sometimes i just want to find that i’m not the only one feeling sth, not that i want every one to go through the pain but just my heart and mind feel as ease that someone understands how or what this experience feels like and sadly many people only understand better once they go through it, but i guess u re the feeler type as well bcs i feel like only writing means and delivers so many things … we don’t need to experience sth but just reading abt it is quite enough for us … i dnt know if you agree but that’s how i came to think after this interaction with you …

        Thank you so so so much as well for everything~(reading this whole reply although boring, the negativity and all the stuff i might have brought to you) thank you~💕

        Liked by 1 person

        • I agree on so many levels.
          The worst thing for me was, when I found out that no one around me felt the same way I did and then I also didn’t see people elsewhere, so I thought, maybe I am the only one, although I thought: “No that can’t be” only to think: “But maybe it is true…” and then I had a major brain damage. 🙃
          It really is calming to know that there are others who understand you and think similar in some ways or at least can relate.

          And you haven’t brought anything negative or boring. For me it is mostly boring when people are just talking about things like: “I want to be rich!” or something like that. Then I am usually out, at least when I know that they have no idea what they are talking about. I am sometimes not responding because of thoughts or because I get distracted or have to calm down myself for personal reasons. Sometimes I read something and then I want to reply, but I just can’t because I feel not capable of writing a proper reply. (Sometimes my brain is just thinking things like: “x + 1 * 5 = peanut” and I really don’t want to reply peanut to something you or someone else wrote. Okay this example is very bad and not really what actually happens, but it could be a random reply and maybe hurt or confuse you or others. And throughout the year I sometimes have had such comments and then I felt pretty bad afterwards and wanted to forget it. 🙂

          Depending on how I feel I also sometimes let everything down, just to reply to someone I really want to reply, but it is not always this easy. And sometimes I also simply don’t get a notification. But I am not busy and actually having all the time in the world. If it weren’t for all the thoughts and information I have to keep up with, I would probably just write and talk all day or listen to others. Which I actually started to do again in recent times.

          Usually it is like: “I wish I could have these people here or be with them in person (if they want to)” because then everything is usually easier for me, at least when they really want to be with me. Because I can talk for hours when I am in the mood or listen for hours, depending on the topic and who it is.

          The worst part is, when I have to say what they want to hear, since they wouldn’t (easily) accept what I actually want to say. Or when I feel uncomfortable with them.

          And when people vanish or walk away it might be that they maybe can’t keep up with all the ideas or feelings. What it clearly isn’t and was also my mistake, that you are too weak. Because a lot of people just put on some kind of “guard” or something and then shield their weaknesses and vulnerabilities by ignoring them or others or such things. Some of them might even think they are very strong because they do this, when in reality it actually makes them cold over time and even sick at last. About being sensitive, I would say that depending on the mood and situation I can be hyper sensitive (that’s actually a thing) and then I feel and sense things others don’t even know are possible like that (e.g. bat like hearing abilities – no joke). It is actually good sometimes and would be quite awesome, if we wouldn’t currently have so much technological noise, waves and all these things which can make a humans and other beings feel bad, which even effects sensitive people way more and can lead to depression and so on. Clingy might be a thing for some people, meaning that they could think that you are clingy or just too much for them. At least that was the case with me and some people.

          But then again, for me these things you might fear to be or have are actually seen positive (mostly) and it is great the way you are. Would all be more like you, a lot of things would be better. But not everyone understands things like you do or I me see them. And I have the tendency to overwork myself for others and force myself to go against my feelings sometimes and such things.

          So to sum it up, from my side, I always love to hear from others and be able to get to know them, but not everyone was willing to do the same with me. And when I might not directly answer, it could mean that I have to calm myself down because something else might have happened (someone else wanted to harm or even kill themselves) or that I just can’t find the right words (which would be different in a direct conversation). And sometimes it might take a day until I reply, but I always try to reply when I can and don’t forget it (which sadly sometimes happened with people and I am not proud). Just don’t think I don’t answer because I don’t want to talk / write with you anymore or because you might have said something wrong or such things. I just can’t always reply because of all the stuff in my head and what I feel. I really sometimes just write with someone and then I feel so exhausted (my body) that I just lay down and fall asleep. 😅 And when I wake up again or feel more awake again it might be a lot later and then it is weird. :/

          And the sad reality about me is, that I also sometimes just “vanish”. The worst about it in my case is that it could seem that I never want to be with the others, but it is not true. If I could, I would be with everyone I know all the time, but because of my thoughts and feelings messed up often, I can’t. And personal problems as well. Just know that in case it should happen, that I am not gone or have a problem with you, it most-likely is a problem I have to deal with I have with myself or maybe something happened. I even once was in hospital for some weeks and didn’t even tell my boss I was working for at the time because I just couldn’t, so I told him some time later, while he was worrying and I knew that, but that’s how it is with me. I just can’t sometimes and there is not a rational explanation. At least not like “apples fall on the ground”. 💕

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          • What’s worse is believing that you are bad just bcs someone’s brain cells don’t function like yours and they crush your confidence like hell …

            I have struggled with thinking what to say and if they want to hear it but i’m over that now, i either say nothing or speak my mind and not care at all after … sometimes i ever tell them “if it looked like that, it’s not under my responsibility bcs simply i talked and your brain put a filter on top, when you receive input, you forgot to take it off bcs we are here in a public space and not inside your brain lol”

            At least you are caring some don’t even bother to explain …

            I had thoughts of killing myself, there was this period i so badly wanted to do it, after battling my thoughts i turned to writing …

            I do relate to feeling exausted after writing/ talking to someone for sometime lol … but since they matter to me i can’t leave for long but when i do i feel bad and not careless … so even if i take time to reply it’s for similar reasons as yours but i try my best to get back to you asap …

            Well if you need someone to vent to just feel free anytime!! (Although i dnt know if you do want to write to a north african but anyways my side doesn’t have problems 🙃)💕

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            • The origin of people never really mattered to me or bothered me. Only when I wanted to know more about what things they might have seen or done I maybe don’t know about. Like old places they might have visited, languages they speak (although I sadly don’t even understand the language of the country I live in sometimes. xD). I like it when there are people from everywhere. It is just sad for me for the things they might go through because of the places they live in or live nearby. Like when some of them live (or maybe lived :/ ) in places with a lot of fighting and such things. 💕

              Everyone is welcome, as long as I am welcome from their side as well. 🙂

              And I wanted to kill myself since childhood and almost succeeded a few times, but each time I either survived anyway, got stopped by some force of nature or decided against it before it was too late. Even writing didn’t help or anything because of all the things I knew and understood. So I tried to make myself dumb to hopefully be able to ignore all of it, which was semi-successful. This time I decided to actually do something about these things, although I still think I might be too weak or broken (at times) to actually change something. So I believe in those like me and sometimes might accidentally confuse them or myself, when I loose control over things.

              Thank you for your offer and don’t rush back to writing because I might need to do some things in the mean time as well and maybe eat something.

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              • I wonder where you are from if you dnt understand the language of the country you live in lol 🙈

                My country is pretty peaceful and i hope it will always be …
                I don’t care where people are from either as long as they are openminded and understanding …
                I never try to change anyone like when i talk to someone i talk putting aside anything that makes me different from them like religion or culture whatsoever and won’t be bringing them up unless they are curious abt sth …

                You don’t have to reply right away as long as you reply it doesn’t matter …

                Thank you so much and you are always welcome anytime~ 🌸

                Like

                • I live in Germany and it is just that I am often in my own world(s) in my head or in other worlds, that I lose touch with human languages. So I might sometimes not get something, although I do hear the words and should know their meaning.

                  I personally don’t think I am in any way part of any culture, religion or whatsoever. I was just born into some things and expected to do some things. It was problematic for me to survive because I usually was on a completely different page than other people. Although I have found some here and there who might have been there even before me, so they could make me feel less alone.

                  I sometimes try to change people, sometimes I also manipulated people, I guess, but usually I don’t like to do that. I can convince people of things, which made it pretty complicated for me because I understood how a lot of bad people use that as well. It terrified me from time to time, but it can also be useful sometimes, I guess.

                  Unlike others I try to bring people together, but it is way harder to bring people together, when there is a lot of “noise” (lies, dependencies, …) out there to distract them and confuse them and hurts me.

                  Especially when it hurts people who are somewhat open minded like me and you and the others I met. People with an open mind usually went through some kind of depression, suicidal phase or even constantly battle these things. And it actually isn’t their fault because would they be where their open mind would be cherished, thankfully accepted. there wouldn’t be the need to go through it all like this.

                  And I am somewhat a hypocrite or have been in a way. But when I walk through my house it is like walking over the moon or worse because I actually would want to just live somewhere in a house out of stone or (some) dirt or such things. While probably many would want to have a house like mine.

                  And the worst thing is, that I could have had it, since my grandfather had a forest part. (Although to me these things seem pointless, but yea…) So I could have theoretically lived there, although practically I am not sure if others would have allowed me.

                  All my feelings seem to be more at ease when I am in the forests or some more natural regions because of the atmosphere. Sometimes the shift is so strong, that I feel completely safe and whole, only to walk back outside “home” and then almost want to stab myself. (talking about being hyper-sensitive at times :/ )

                  I also wish that there would be no wars at all, since they are pointless. But a lot of wars are fought with words and “behind the scenes”.

                  And I can’t tell whether your country is peaceful or not, as mine also seems to be peaceful, but it supports wars or destruction in other parts of the world (at least some people here as probably in every part of the world).

                  I really wish these people would hit their head good one day and wake up… but what shall I say… 😔😌 💜

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I always wanted to live away, somewhere without people bcs i never fit in to their standards and last summer we moved away to somewhere that is more of a nature than a city and no one cares what someone is wearing or how they look and i feel it’s where i belong although i wish there were just alot fewer people but for now at least i’m alot better than before …

                  Well i dnt know if my country is peaceful but we dnt have a war yet i dnt know anything else since i’m not interested in policies and stuff lol …

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Sounds good that you are somewhere with more nature and all that.

                  If it weren’t for other reasons, I also wouldn’t be interested in anything related to politics and such stuff. But I have to now, no matter what, not only for personal reasons.

                  I hope you will be okay and I also wished to be far away from others. Maybe with people like you and others who are more themselves.
                  The more nature you have around you, the better you feel. ❤

                  I am just glad I live in a region of my country in which we have still more somewhat nature, but it isn't enough. And people where I live already build black and white box houses which freak me out. And not only me.

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I feel bad too when i see buildings eat nature but what shall i do 🤷 i ll have to keep running away once this place is all buildings lol

                  Well yeah i wish i could group ppl with whom i get along super well in one area and we will live in peace ✌…

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Yes, something like a diversity of people with one common goal: Peace, nature and not ending up all alone or lost.

                  I knew that I couldn’t run away and that when we run away forever, in the end all would be dead desert and cities. Or something like that. :/

                  Because I felt so terrified and alone with this I basically just tried to make my life as short as possible. I wasted time I should and could have used, but I was so terrified and broken that I sometimes even thought I caused all of this madness. But it was already there to begin with and so yea…

                  If I could have ran away, I probably would have, but there isn’t really much where you can go to be really at peace and alone where I live. And then a lot of places are like this, hopefully less than I think.

                  Today my mother had to take part in an online meeting about cleaning plans and such things. Although I was in the other end of the house, I wanted to hurt myself. Luckily I go very good at not doing that when I was still little, since I was dealing with it since childhood. But it was very intense. And my mother also later said that she wanted to hurt herself and scream at them whether they want to “disinfect” the whole earth and wear astronaut suits or whatever. And then we almost laughed ourselves into insanity… 😦

                  She didn’t see the point in that meeting anyway and was already cleaning more than others ever. Hopefully things will change once she is finally done with this awful stuff in a few months.

                  But sadly I don’t really see much hope for myself because of how far down/up my mind went in all these years I live.

                  Not only once last year or maybe even at times years before, I would have just left everything and ran away, like you mentioned, if there would have been someone to run away with and also not to just run away with them, but help others as well.

                  Because I knew that I won’t be able to run away from this, otherwise it will kill me and maybe most other people as well, if not all.

                  It is horrible for me that people like you and me and also a lot of wildlife either gets killed or dies (more or less) on its own because of all these things. People like us shouldn’t die because most of the other people don’t know anymore what’s natural and good for them.

                  At times I also don’t know anymore because sometimes nothing made sense anymore. It didn’t help that people around me were telling me that I should work and do things and that things will work out, when they clearly didn’t seem to understand what was going on.

                  I have contact or know about people from all around earth. Some of the are probably feeling like you and me or even worse. For example I wrote with a girl from Algeria who meant she was 15. And she showed some video of a city from inside a car. Not long after her account was gone and also a woman around my age from Iraq who had similar things and I am afraid they are both dead now or something like that. I basically have “all the connections” to all kinds of people, groups and so on.

                  Some of them seem to be teenagers 12-15 from all around, but I think mainly Europe.
                  With some I don’t know what is happening, or whether they are even reachable at times because of what they write and seem to feel. They also have their own groups and sometimes talk or write there which seems to have helped sometimes, but I basically sit here and see a lot of suffering people, besides a suffering planet and my mental health is often so negative that it might even seem positive again.

                  And my problem is, that I would really want to help all of them and at least be there for them, but sometimes I don’t speak a language, since I can’t get the head space to learn a lot of such things. And I just wish that I wouldn’t sit alone with all of it. I mean, I know I am not alone with all of this, but you know what I mean… :/

                  Sometimes I feel like the hot-wire of nature and not only in a metaphorical way, my head sometimes really burns because of all the thoughts.

                  This is why it is very great to be able to find others with similar or the same thoughts to make something with them. Just two people or three or a small group, can make a big difference, when they can actually hold together. It just isn’t helpful when next to my living room a big factory stands. :/
                  Especially something related to metal works and another part with trading and selling cars and such things…

                  I always hope those people who are doing things against it are stronger, like actually doing something like planting wild life again and confronting people.

                  If I would be on an island with people I can trust and who would be there when it matters, nothing would hold me where I am as it never did. For me this island just didn’t existed, until I started to “create” it.

                  Now I got way darker than I wanted to, since I actually never really want to be dark, it just happens because of all the darkness around and me (sometimes) being part of it.

                  And I can’t say thank you enough for you to be here. As well as the others who might be on similar ways or thoughts. 💜

                  Writing about it or your feelings because of it is never wrong, at least not for me and some others out there.

                  But as you wrote, when there are too many people at the same time, I lose it. I usually just can be with one or two people at the same time, but usually just one. Not because I want to, I enjoy being with a group as well, when I make them happier and can just be with them, I just sometimes need these deep conversations and block away as soon as there are other people involved at the same time.

                  I can make apps, websites and a lot of these things, but I wish I wouldn’t have to maybe. But it could all be used for something good.

                  I am just always afraid that when I write something here, that it will cause a lot more trouble. Not for myself, I am used to it, but for others and that it might all be pointless or only makes things worse. If I wouldn’t always be afraid about these things I probably would have done way, way earlier.

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Reminded me of those family gatherings that happen once in a blue moon and then everyone be commenting and giving supposedly “advices” like in my head keeps looping “what do you know” “how much have you spent with me” … just a yr ago we were living in an apartment and there was basically nowhere to escape that i just find a reason to stay in the kitchen or make myself play with the kids (if they brought any) although back then i was so stressed and depressed like there is no way i wanted to play with a kid … hopefully since last july we are somewhere that at least has a rooftop and that is my escapade whenever faces i don’t want to see appear, i just sit there watching the sky and listening to birds until they leave well i go there even when they are not here but i’m so thankful i dnt have to spend hours talking about stuff i myself try to dodge whenever pops inside my mind …

                  With the Algeria and Iraq friend maybe they don’t speak the language or maybe just can’t do the blogging actitivity anymore or maybe like myself mom didn’t understand why i was writing and sharing it and was likely looking down on this whole thing when she didn’t know that many pieces where transformed from diaries where i let out all my anger and stuff … I knew obviously she didn’t understand this bcs she is not well acquainted with the internet and writing specifically, if i listened to her maybe i would have left right away but hopefully i was in a period of change where i decided to only listen to myself and i don’t regret it like inside my mind this is how it was: “Sorry mom, your words matter but what you don’t know is that this is your opinion and doesn’t mean you are totally right, no one knows what’s right which means also that i might be highly right/wrong ..nobody knows but as long as i’m not hurting a soul then i’m going to perfectly enjoy this …” and later she knew i stayed bcs i enjoyed it and i would share beautiful comments i got with her then she would ask me here and there “are you still writing?” And since she doesn’t understand english one day she was like i wish you wrote in Arabic so i could read and i was like now that feels like an achievement but sadly it was already an achievement inside my head bcs i no more waited for people to applaud me because i knew what i loved and how much i love it and so i i applaud and cheer myself up and have this party inside my head like if i have 2 people inside me lol
                  (My eyes getting teary now writing this, suddenly all those ugly memories appeared infront of me and i feel i came a very long way …)

                  If i know exactly what would help you or if i could have a magic wand i would just use it on you bcs people like us don’t deserve all this crap going on in their lives …

                  We just think abt stuff so much and my brain does burn when i just allow it to wander on stuff i dnt have a hand in and nowhere able to change …

                  Yes i like to focus on one or two friends as well esp if we are discussing sth serious …

                  Feel free to write bcs i started with the same thought and since i was doing this for me i didnXt allow myself to think abt if people are going to like it or not but i knew for sure that those who like this stuff are many and as i like reading similar stuff then there are those who will read mine too well i didn’t think this much in the beginning i just knew one thing “write, edit, publish” ..

                  💕💖

                  Liked by 1 person

                • For me the forest might be what for you the rooftop seems to give and we both share writing as some sort of relief or way to process/work through things, like many others as well.

                  Thinkers actually need to be challenged in a good way, otherwise they might become like me or how I was for most of my life. Like trying to erase my mind and stuff or at least forget about it all (which sadly sometimes worked – turning me into a crazy idiot of some sort.

                  I cried a lot esp last year when I worked through a lot, like A LOT of things. Sometimes I was writing a whole blog post crying or with teary eyes or even crying for an hour before I would write down what I thought about. I always loved tears and weeping ( crying because whenever it happened I felt calmer, more relieved than before and usually. And it’s really good and necessary to weep sometimes.

                  (As you might have noticed, I sometimes change fast from one topic to another and back an forth, I hope it wasn’t bothering you, since sometimes others can’t follow my thoughts (which isn’t an art because some of them are really far out. 😅))

                  When I started to write here a year ago, I was like: “I am going to die anyway, nothing makes sense, I will completely mess up, but I don’t care anymore.” And when you look at this blog in all its crazy weirdness, you might understand why. But please don’t. I still don’t know what I should remove and what I shouldn’t and sometimes removed all at once, only to put it back out the day after.

                  I would also use magic to help you or others like us and in a way I might actually do that, but maybe in a different way. (Like with my forest experiences, dreams and such things)

                  And I sometimes felt that I had a whole group or even population in my head, sometimes fighting each other and visualized meetings in my head when they would discuss about the fate of one of them who got too unstable. One of my uncles also mentioned last year that he was hearing five voices in his head sometimes. He is also a big thinker and somehow we could directly understand each other and find common ground, while everyone else in the room was just like: “What the hell are they talking about.” xD That felt really awkward, like “I want to die, please kill me.” kind of awkward. Like most of the things on my blog, I guess.

                  But I know why it happens, where it came or comes from (eating cities and greedy madmen).

                  I personally came to the conclusion that I had to write all of it down to help myself and maybe some people along the way, since others would either ignore it anyway (as usual) or just step aside. So when someone else is considered weird, crazy or such things, mumbling weird stuff maybe (at least for others), I want to talk with them. I know that only by letting all of these things out (in some form) it is possible to handle them and get yourself “back”. Like fully feeling good about yourself and also feeling in peace. And we both know, cities do the opposite, making people hate themselves and others, either actively or passive.

                  But as long as there are always people like us helping each other or finding ways to help ourselves, it hopefully will never succeed or even vanish one day (the madness and destruction). 💕

                  Liked by 1 person

                • There is this refreshness(?) one feels after they weep and it gives a feeling of accomplishment , those are the tears i cry now like i changed and i’m fully proud like succeeding to break off a jail (but i’m not a criminal lol it would be really bad then)

                  It’s totally okay changing from one topic to the other it just means your brain is really active and want to share many things at once so you write bits here and there not to forget anything which makes me happy actually …

                  Like just leave everything the way they are, i will read from your stuff everytime i’m free bcs i want to, I want to and no matter how dark whatever it is it’s an experience that counts! You came along way and i dnt want you to leave one day like you already battled suicidal thoughts and won over them, it means you are getting stronger doesn’t it?

                  I do live inside my head and would look just zoned out to people around me but maybe i’m having a meeting with someone i really want to meet or imagining how i’m seightseeing somewhere i want to visit lol ….

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Yes, just yessss! ❤
                  Only the part about getting stronger is more complicated, since for some people it might be different in meaning. For me strength meant that I could allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others, while for others that is considered a weakness. And then actually seeing who might be someone it could be good to be "vulnerably strong" or "defensive strong" was some kind of a challenge. So yes, I might be stronger now, but also weaker than ever before (if that makes sense). Like that I allow myself to be very weak to take in everything around me, which otherwise wouldn't be possible because I would block everything away. And it is very dangerous for me. Complicated stuff. But you probably know what I mean or can figure it out.

                  The worst is, when I was with relatives or some other people in general and whenever I was zoned out or wanted to "dream away" they would tell me things like: "Where are you? Here plays the music." (or such things) and then I just smiled away and basically deactivated my brain or just thought things like: "I heard you talk about the same topic the last time we visited and the time before and it was almost the same stuff, maybe I can figure out a way to change the words you say." (me going completely nuts… 🙈🙃)

                  The worst is, when someone wants to attack me physically or that I should try to attack them, but I just act as if I am stupid and can't do it (sometimes even if I would want to in order to protect them). And then I sometimes didn't know whether I actually was physically strong or able to, but then I remember punching through window glass and throwing axes and stuff and think: "The hell is my life…"

                  Like I can't fight even for fun with someone because I am scared I might accidentally kill them. Because when I would be in an actual dangerous situation I would probably be able to do that, while I would want to avoid such things at all cost and I am afraid of losing it sometimes.

                  This especially hurt when people laughed about be or thought I couldn't fight or something, when they tried to showed me ways or played with me. But I just thought, if you would know…

                  I might not be able to dodge everything or have a chance against some well experienced fighters, but probably enough to defend myself in typical situations.

                  Some woman from a dentist related thing were recommending martial arts to me, maybe because they saw that I was different from others. But I never did that, since I didn't like the pressure and rules these schools usually have. Besides that I already trained and learned such things on my own, secretly. Not perfect, but good enough for me and hopefully anyone who wants to sneak up on me or harm those I love.

                  (But don't think I am like some hero fighter or whatever, I am really not, but often I wish I would be. :/ I am just not able to I guess, even if I wanted to because of all the things I feel and think.)

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Even if I’m weak, a cry baby and a vunerable person like what can you do that’s just my personality, people expect everyone to be the same, i dnt even know what they want anymore lol

                  I quite relate to the “dream away” part 😆

                  Yeah when adrenaline kicks one never knows when they learnt to fight 😆

                  Why not!? we have here someone who wants to protect those he loves, at least you have the thought someone else will go like “they should defend themselves” or “why would i put my nose in someone’s mistake only to get it broken?!” … people are no more this thoughful …💕

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I also don’t know what they some people want, but others want people turn into mindless slaves and partially did that “all the time” (at least for a long time, depending on the region, culture etc.).

                  I am a lot of the time in “fight or flight” mode (like with the adrenaline stuff). And that’s actually not good. But yes, what shall I do… :/
                  If I am with my cat or with some people I trust or feel comfortable with (like my mother usually), I can turn it off. But even then sometimes…

                  I personally think it is pretty great that there are a lot of different kinds of people and would find it more logical to let people decide for themselves what they want and don’t want. But then school comes in the way and is like: “KID! YOU HAVE TO LEARN THIIIIIISSSSS!” And then they show you basically a graveyard of lost dreams they had themselves and your life is over. At least that was my “school” experience. And it wasn’t even a choice, like in some countries children might even want to school (or at least that’s what they tell) to learn things. And in my country it is complicated, since even if you wouldn’t want, you would have to by law. So I was like: “I will never be free…” When you follow the rules in my country you are basically a document slave from your birth. And then people from other countries want to get here because they think everyone here is happy and free and all and easy. They even think that people like me are lying because we don’t want them to come or such things… And I have no problem with people coming here since borders and such things are stupid things anyway for me. At least when it comes to people like you and me who just want to live somewhat free and be happy, I guess.

                  I personally wish I would have never had such things like school or religion and these things. I would have just helped my mother, learned things on my own, since I did want to explore and find out about things on my own anyway. But these things aren’t valued in my country. Those who ask too much are seen as difficult or weird… But that’s the case in most countries I guess.

                  All this bullshit people wanted me to do and asked of me actually caused my personality to break / split and so I honestly can’t tell what or who I am sometimes. I just know that I am in my body usually and that no matter how I feel or act, I always know what and when. Just sometimes not how or why. Which is pretty weird to read and was pretty weird for me as well, but I had to keep it all under control to not get into more trouble. So I developed this almost perfect, happy facade for most people and can change my whole mood or focus within seconds. And I hate that sometimes actually because it makes me seem cold or ignorant or creepy maybe. And yes, I guess I am creepy, but not because I want to be.
                  It is really not great to be me, but I am glad that I can remember myself before all of this, when I was still just learning things on my own or with my mother before school and such things. When I was confident, happy, motivated and mostly honest about things. But I had to learn to lie to defend myself or get what I needed and it is no good place to be in.
                  Which is why I ended up so broken.

                  I am actually very dramatic and emotional at times, but sadly over things which are indeed relevant a lot of the time.

                  And I feel like I am asking too much here from you, since I don’t want to make you feel as if you are here to make me feel better while handling what I write or think.

                  It is just good to be able to write or talk with others about things. Especially at these times.
                  And as you wrote, that you don’t read that much and are basically going beyond your usual “limits” or what you are used to, I really should write less. Especially when a lot of the things might already be somewhere on the blog anyway.

                  Just to not misunderstand. I love to read every single of your comments and also to answer. I am just someone who can write or talk for days, once I am fully in the mood. Or even for months it seems. ^^

                  So please, if you don’t have this time, since you also have to do some other things at times and also eat, sleep and so on, don’t think you have to write back. I might go for a walk in the forest now again or at least next to it. So till then. 💕

                  Like

                • Oh and with the Algerian and Iraqi friend, it was not here but over YouTube. They were publishing some videos from things they saw or songs and movie scenes or such things and some things in Arabic. But I used Google Translate and tried to use words which made sense even after a lot of changing back and forth (since Google Translate is a mess and often changes complete meaning). But I of course wish I could have actually spoken Arabic, so I wouldn’t have to do it this way by using both english and the translated Arabic. And they both were writing in Arabic, but knew that with the translation and that I didn’t speak it, but tried my best to use the translation (which actually worked pretty well at times, to my surprise). But they also were both on their own like you in a way (sure with family or such, but with no one to talk). And they were both either in a city or near it and felt lost it seemed. And then I probably lost them, since they also mentioned that they couldn’t do that life anymore and felt about dying or that they could trust no one. And then at some point their thoughts or events must have been too much and they were just gone like that… and I still hope they just decided to quit YouTube or internet, but from what they wrote I had to consider that they might have ended their life afterwards or at least tried that.

                  One guy around 17-18 from Netherlands was also fighting a lot with self-harm and suicide. He survived a few attempts last year and I was writing with him a lot, but at some point he just stopped writing. :/ I even offered him several times that I would pick him up by car or something and get him to my place, so he wouldn’t feel that alone. But probably because (for good reasons) he couldn’t trust it or didn’t know or want me to, I wasn’t able to, although I would have and could have (since it would have been just a few hours by car or train). 😦

                  And I am afraid that my state also didn’t help with what all of them were dealing with (eating cities).

                  Liked by 1 person

                • So they used classical Arabic bcs no way would Goodle translate dialects which is mainly what we speak like it’s arabic and we understand each other but you as a German if you study arabic out there you need to visit or maybe watch lots of youtube from all the arabic countries so you can grasp on all the different versions of Arabic we use, for us and Algeria it’s almost similar like we understand each other perfectly only for some words they might use others but even in my country northern cities use some different words than the south … but for The Iraq Arabic i might need to open my ears wide so i can totally understand lol

                  It’s so difficult to just think they took their lives but i wish they actually just stopped youtube and maybe are doing sth else .. 🥲

                  Let’s suppose i took my life, why do you have to worry?, Well here suicide is forbidden by religion but not all people are religious and so many ofc still commit suicide so some just think what’s the point of religion when i can’t support this life anymore or what does religion know about my dark life… ? (Didn’t want to bring religion up but just giving you a overview of what it might be like here in the Arab region) And i guess that’s what has happend if they actually took their lives, well i hope they didn’t even the Netherland friend, he is still young like give it just one more chance friend 😭 (saying this while i’m quite aware how one feels while on a darkness attack so dnt hate me) which is weird from my side i know …

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I would never hate you, why would I and especially not people who battle with such thoughts and darkness or sadly killed themselves. 😦

                  Although I personally have a whole different view on things, but can “tap in” the views of others, I still can’t understand why people hate others who don’t want to live anymore. Like you wrote at some point, sometimes just embracing them, giving them a hug can change a lot (but an honest hug and not like my dad doing it in a “mechanical” way sometimes, just to have done it).

                  One guy in german (or even European) history was a guy called Martin Luther, living 500 years ago. And he actually went as far as questioning the authority of the pope, the ruler of the empire and some other people and caused a complex revolution and rebellions, with a lot of misery in the end, but also some good changes over time. He realized that the people didn’t know their own religion and not even their own books nor could they read or understand the words (since they were in latin (from roman times) or greek or hebrew and such older languages. So he basically figured out that religion was mostly a hoax, although there was actually some truth in things.

                  While the church was also saying things like: “All people who had done bad things, killed themselves or doubted themselves or God are not worthy to be treated like the others.” (fictive words, but in some way what they said and claimed.) And then this Luther guy said, that someone who killed themselves or was having such thoughts was caught by evil off guard and it wasn’t their fault. Even digging graves in the graveyard for a young boy who killed himself, to place him with the others at the graveyard, since he would otherwise be put to the criminals and “unwanted” deads somewhere else.
                  Even told people that they don’t need a church and such things, since it actually stands in their own books, which is why he translated them. But people didn’t really understand him, at least not really. He was a man of heart, but sadly also was going insane at times.

                  So I am always very sad when I hear about someone who ended their life or were treated like shit or ignored because they thought this way. Not even considering that they might had a point, like you and me, who need nature and someone to share our thoughts with and such things. 😥

                  If I could, I would just fly over to everyone who feels like this and spend time with them. 💜

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I never hated on people who wanted to end their lives or looked down on them or thought they were stupid whatever …, i esp don’t understand it bcs i know they have quite the reasons to do so and even those reasons may look stupid to some but that only justifies what a soft personality they have regardless and if we want to help is by showing them maybe how they can look down on the reasons that made them decide that instead of making them look down on themselves and loose more confidence usually the method people use thinking they are helping is just super useless and if i ever shared my stuff and was told that, then i’m sure i would have suicided once they left but hopefully i never share everything in detail right away …

                  I haven’t yet had a proper hug bcs i think those need mutual feelings so even when i hug others it’s the typical mechanical hug you mentioned lol …

                  I forgot like 99% of the USA and British history 😅 like i’m not even sure about Moroccan History let alone other countries’ … i’m just bad with history

                  Religion to me doesn’t define a society or a grouo bcs everyone understands it differently and i feel bad when they judge or blame based on religion like man that’s one sentence they read somewhere but how is that responsible for how they perceived the meaning?

                  Anyways, sorry i’m only replying to this now, there is this thing that’s making me stressed and it took me sometime to discuss it …

                  Liked by 1 person

                • It’s 8:32pm here and i just took my phone to reply to you …
                  I hope that comment didn’t offend you in any way and just know i ll never do nor mean to if sth happens / misunderstanding just tell me bcs i try hard not to say anything that would hurt in anyway but you know we say here “the tongue doesn’t have a bone” figuratively to mean that it doesn’t have sth to rule/ control it that’s why it says mistakes …

                  Hope you are and your mom alright! Stay safe for us~ 💕

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Now it is 9:22pm for me, so our time is actually similar, but it makes sense, I guess, since our countries are more or less on the same line (geographically).

                  And thank you, and at the moment we are alright. 💕

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Both our countries are on the GMT+1!!

                  But tell me, where or how can i reach you if you ever disappear?

                  Don’t thank me bcs i did nothing 😶
                  Glad to hear that you are alright~💕

                  Liked by 1 person

                • You wrote a lot and read a lot, is that nothing?
                  And well, I am actually not sure, since when I should disappear then probably without any alternative contact. I do have a phone (since I use my computer), but I usually don’t use it and bought it more because it was necessary for some things, but not because I actually wanted or needed one. (Like with every kind of technology actually, I only need it because of others or because I want to distract myself within things others did or I can do with it. Otherwise I would be daydreaming, walking around and such things.)

                  (By the way, I think I will answer for everything you wrote in one comment next time, otherwise we soon have a handful of “conversations” at the same time. lol)

                  My email is here as well, at least the one I usually check. But then again, would I disappear, I would probably be completely offline.

                  Maybe at some point I might figure something out. Besides that, you can actually look up my house. No joke. Its somewhere here on the page. But I did it for reasons, you shouldn’t do that obviously.

                  Like

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