I wrote this 2-3 hours ago. And it is about me trying to explain myself with a magic card game.
Tonight I got into negative patterns again because my mother again compared me to my father.
Just a few minutes ago there was someone throwing something in our mail box, I suppose and then I heard someone talking. Guess what, my father was having a few words with this man.
And I also slept or at least meditated for some time on a bench next to the forest again until the sun was rising.
Then I saw lightning in the distant, a few light gray clouds and no thunder
it looked like heavy lightning, but only inside the clouds
happened at least 5 times.
The night before around 20 bats were flying around the house, mainly next to the eating room main window.
I can’t remember that this happened before, maybe a long time ago if even.
It was also in the early morning and they stayed until it was around 5 AM and the sun was rising.
The whole week I am taking my drug again and I also started to negate myself.
I guess the energies are again getting towards a critical mass.
I should say that the bats actually made me feel good or at least I enjoyed their presence.
I wonder whether they felt the same.
And tonight I probably encountered some deer, but I didn’t really see them. Only heard them running away.
I tried to convince myself that this is training, but the brain didn’t really listen
And today I broke my server (operating system).
I am tired the whole week (no wonder with the drug) and also not enough sleep (or at least not enough peaceful sleep).
But I at least went for some nightly walks this and the last week together with my mother.
In some other villages or towns in this area
Was actually pretty good and refreshing, but home is still home…
And each time I see how little I do or actually live in my home, I am blaming myself again for being useless.
And then the comparison between me and my father makes sense again and the self-hate starts again
While I know that I am far from being my father.
But then it is already too late and the self-hate makes sense and I think that I am probably just like my father, only with other things.
While I still know that this is not true.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t help. It then also supports the self-hate because it says: “You just believe that you are not like your father, the same way he believes that he is helping you and your mother.”
And then all hell breaks loose
I mean I even asked myself several times tonight whether I actually want to make myself feel bad about myself again. I knew I wouldn’t actually want it, but still started it partially.
Then the brain uses the ‘You are just totally broken” card, which doubles the attack power
It uses “You are mentally sick” and “everyone just wants to help you” and combines them with “you are the problem” to make triple combo.
This causes “memory leak” and “sector instabilities”. It also triggers self-destruction again.
The thing is, that the drug actually started last week probably and I sometimes wanted it, sometimes not.
And mainly related to getting negative feedback again or just experiencing stupidity or crazy behavior
The main problem is still on my side, but not that I am the problem. At least when I just ignore the “You are the problem” card.
It means, that while I am strong and able to fight, that I didn’t pay attention to my defense because I again was bottling up aggression and negative feedback to a critical point
People say: Use your aggression in a good way to reach your goal. Because it pushes.
But in my case it actually pushes me down.
Aggression was always my weakness. I can’t use it against others because it harms me the most. I shouldn’t use it against me because it harms me. But I can’t use it for good because then it only burns me out.
Aggression in my case is only good when I sit it out and maybe walk and then cry / weep. So it isn’t.
(This doesn’t mean the feeling is bad, it just doesn’t help me in any way)
I am naturally a calm and peaceful being
But when all these “cards” make so much sense after some time, I start to attack myself, obviously.
I think the most powerful card which is pretty weak on its own, but after all other defenses are gone or weak will could destroy me, is the: “You always were like this”
And if “memory leak” and “sector instabilities” were successful, this could actually make myself believe it.
Because then the good memories and true memories get blocked or changed, so that they get interpreted in a negative way.
For example: “You are dumb, you just wanted to be smart.” – this sentence can’t really hurt or harm me with my defense up. But when the memories about me naturally being smart are blocked (first years of my live and moments in between in later years) I am only left with the negative ones. And they are of course the result of being manipulated, tortured, ignored, confused and misunderstood etc.
But I would not know that and would say: “Yes, that is true. I wanted my mother to drive me to school because I was lazy and had fun to do this.” (which is not true, but makes sense then)
And looking on my negative behavior towards myself and the rejection towards others then also makes sense (which was because of damage and rejection from others in the first place, but would be totally ignored already)
In the end I would again believe that I am stupid or average, arrogant, egocentric, narcissistic, psychopathic or sociopathic and that I deserve to suffer.
The even worse outcome would be the aggression finally making sense part because then I would damage things, hurt people willingly and so on.
I guess the “funny” (eh … about that…) – the most horrible – part is that I would believe it and that I would think the times when I was calm were when I ignored my true self (and all that shit).
Because then I would believe that I am a monster and support this fact. Like: “You call me a monster, then I am a monster.”
That this of course is total bullshit, just destroying me and maybe some people around me who want to help, is clear.
The thing is, that while knowing all this, I still can’t really defend myself against it.
And the main reason for it, is one of the major background “cards”: “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” which is almost immune against counter attacks together with “you often break things” and “You probably just made most things up”.
The irony is, that actually the opposite is true, or at least should be true (given to the sanity check and the positive impact memories).
But when these cards are together, they are pretty strong and make me believe in them. The thing is, that they then of course have the effect of supporting the believe, which then makes them stronger. And again and again.
So each time I believe them and then their effect comes in, the effect gets stronger, while I then believe it more.
You know where this is going.
And because of them I am not able to really care for my defense most of the time or even destroy it myself again.
The moment I believe in one of them just once, the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” card will copy itself and the others.
It is exponential and therefor after a few triggers could call a stackoverflow.
And then it has complete control, it supports “memory leak” and so on.
So the other cards are mainly useless attacks against me at first because I am not convinced by them by default.
But when something or someone makes me just once believe in the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” blackhole, I am almost lost.
What is the weakness of the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” card and the two support cards?
Well, obviously I can’t really attack it while inside.
At least after the first few times it was successful.
While I of course know, that telling myself positive things I did and that I am able to help so many people and can do so many things etc. it won’t help, while inside.
Why is that? Well, while inside the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” negates all attacks and actually throws them back or consumes them to gain more power.
So out of “You helped someone” would become “You helped someone, but actually made things worse for them” or “You helped someone, but only because you needed something”.
And then it works, even though I would have known it makes no sense or is only the half truth.
So even people from outside who want to tell me that I am good, or that they need me, would only support the card and harm me even more.
Now you might say, well okay, then what will kill this card (in your sick mind game…. – yeah i know, but I just use this “game” scenario to explain what actually happens in a way)?
I mean you could come up with negative cards against me because you heard the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” negates positive cards. So maybe negative ones become positive? Wrong!
The negative cards actually get double effect power, so yeah.
Maybe you already noticed the flaw in the system of the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?”
Exactly, the neutral cards.
These have no healing, nor attacking effects. Maybe some passive ones, but in general they are neutral. Like “You can rest for a week”
It of course could passively help me to heal, but itself just offers time to rest. How I use the actual “resting” time is open.
And then then my natural passive effects could come in handy. Because I naturally am peaceful
This means, that the resting time would most likely be an opportunity for them to work again.
And the second flaw in the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” system is time.
While time actually isn’t really part of the “game” it still is one of the underlying things. So while the “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” card can exponentially grow, it is limited to effect cards.
So the power of it changes with each played card, while neutral cards make it weaker and almost any effect card makes it stronger.
Maybe some legendary effect cards with special spells and special effects could also make it weaker, but they are pretty rare and often single use. So using them myself would only work in the early stages and then would be overkill.
I mean I would use it, could I get some, but so far I didn’t find many.
And while inside after some stages I wouldn’t want to use them because “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” would make me believe, that by using them for myself I would waste them.
And then I either would throw them to someone else or just put them back into the box.
Therefor legendary cards could also only work from outside and only some special ones.
This means, that I would just need a lot of neutral cards and I could simply remove the power of “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” until it destroys itself together with the support cards.
And then I could fight all the other cards and easy win.
But the problem is, that I have too few neutral cards.
And some neutral cards could also cause problems.
Because the “I have other work for you” card could of course lower the power of “What if you can only make things worse in the end?”, but then I would most likely use an effect card myself to give it power back.
Because I would be triggered by the word “work”.
And one of my passive effects is to avoid things which harm me, so I have to play an effect card.
Well played… “What if you can only make things worse in the end?”
So the only weakness of “What if you can only make things worse in the end?” are a lot of neutral cards (or just enough to make its power negative towards itself.)
And then of course use them one after another, so that no effect card is played
Or maybe only some external legendary ones, if there should be some. But it is pretty difficult to tell whether they will help or not because of all the other cards on the stage with their own effects.
I think the “everyone wants to help you” card could block them sometimes because it would tell me, to use a card to silence the played effect.
Therefor, neutral cards it is.
The best an easy way. Good that I don’t have enough most of the time… well played me…
And even if I would have, the other cards would at some point force me to use an effect.
I think that it is very difficult to fight this one.
Because you can only use neutral cards (without unwanted side effects) and they usually have to come from another player in the team.
Other players are like:
And I am the horse from their perspective.
Then they maybe try:
And an unprepared player might be like the little one:
I also made the following today: