The fool, the ghoul and the ugly

If you are not understood you become a fool in the eyes of the others. But actually you might be the smartest of them all. And then you act like a fool. If you can’t stand it anymore you could become a ghoul or one of them or die or just ugly like most people.

Usually when I see people who wear makeup or such things I think: “You look worse now, why not just be yourself?” But would I say that, people would probably feel attacked or simply don’t understand. It just makes me sad when I see so many people who use so many products just to look good, while most of them make them actually look worse. And they don’t even notice it themselves anymore because most people do it, so it is normal.

I see all the colors, all the beauty and in general all there is in a way. Maybe not all at the same time, but enough. And if you are alone with this, it makes you go nuts. Luckily we have a thing called internet now or just in general the opportunity to go somewhere else. And then there search for like-minded people.

When it comes to me, I think I will have a hard time at first, but it was hard all the time, to always play the fool. I am sick of it now.

This could cost my head, but then I would just get what I always wanted since I was little. So no matter what, I win. Therefor I can’t loose.

And so I can actually be free, happy and just natural. Well in reality I am still a little scared sometimes when the negative energy around me is too powerful, but I just have to keep fighting back again. Just inside of me. Because I know that most of them don’t know yet, but they can and they will, if they really want.

The negative part of being naturally open-minded or wise is, that you only see close-minded people most of the time and then feel alone. This makes you feel weird, makes you hide yourself and so on. For some time this might be actually the better choice. Because when you feel alone and don’t know what to fight for, why should you fight, right?

When I was little I had many ideas about new kinds of technologies and stuff, but I usually said to myself things like: “Why should I risk it, if I might be the only one who understands it? Would be boring, so if I die, people could continue with their business and I wouldn’t have to play the idiot anymore.”

Such things from a child… oof. Man I was intelligent and depressed. But I usually was depressed because I felt alone. I was always able to fight and accomplish something and make my dreams (my actual positive ones) come true, but I didn’t most of the time because I feared that I would be the only one.

Man that is so fucked up, but sadly was so logical in a way.

Because Tesla was pretty alone most of the time. Jesus was pretty alone in a way (meaning that no one else knew what they knew). And also many others.

This is pretty sad, depressing and gives hopelessness a lot of space.

When I was younger I still had fun playing the idiot sometimes because then I could listen to people through my head phones while having music playing and they would think I can’t hear them.

Man that was interesting. And also to filter out different conversations while driving in the school bus or just being in public places. I actually wasn’t all that introverted and I actually don’t pay that much attention to these things anymore now. You might ask, why? Well, I tell you something.

From my point of view, introverts are just people who are different from the people around them. They might have special abilities or simply didn’t give up to some strange concepts because they were stronger than that. But because they usually have no one to talk to, because most people don’t understand them, they more and more distance from people in general.

And the assumption that introverts need to recharge while being alone, is wrong and true at the same time. If you have no one in your area with whom you could talk about what is really going on inside and outside of you, you of course can’t recharge with people. You always feel misunderstood and then your energy gets sucked up by the other people or because you have to suppress all the feelings. But would there be other “introverts” or let’s just say people with similar experiences, thoughts and feelings etc. you could recharge with them. Therefor there is no such thing like introvert and extrovert and all these weird concepts. Only if you are trapped or alone because then they can actually take action or effect you. This doesn’t mean that the existence of these concepts is wrong or that they are completely wrong. I just want to say, that they usually don’t tell the whole story.

These things only describe given states or assumptions based on default behavior and so on. But if you think outside the box, you know that there actually is a flaw in all of them. Most of these things are based on other people’s opinions and some even on wrong or misleading data.

So if you are an introvert, you are only an introvert because you act in a certain pattern. Introverts are typically more scared to do things because they had no one who they really could talk to. Or they were simply too scared to risk it. But when an introvert finally finds something or someone to share everything with, they could become more extroverted then the typical extrovert. At least from my experience and my way of thinking.

We humans usually accept the boxes other put us in and might even feel good about being in a box. But actually being in a box the whole time is pretty annoying after some time and scary. Because at some point people expect you to be how you always were or how they want you to be and if you aren’t then they want to push you back.

So from my experience, people who give more attention to their fears and who think more than others are actually some kind of super humans, should they win the fight (simply not giving up). But sadly, especially in my area, people kill themselves. And I also had many attempts and thoughts this way, since my early childhood. Why is that? Well, because of the lack in love, understanding and in general people who are true to themselves.

So I decided to break the silence one step at a time. Well actually it wasn’t me, but a part of my brain or something like that. And maybe other people who passively supported me, without my knowing. (I don’t know for sure)

When someone is depressed because a loved one died, I can understand this. It can be heavy because there is a big gap all of a sudden. But in my case I usually was depressed because I was alone, while I was surrounded by ugly people or just “normal” people.

I know that some people in my school probably also were at least not like them, but I am not sure whether someone was like me. Maybe, but I am not sure.

I might actually be one of a kind in a way, but who knows these days. But I know that some of you, if not all, are in a way similar to me. And thinking about this, I might have had a dream some time ago. I had many dreams, but some dreams were maybe visions of the actual future in a way. A possible future.

Why did Martin Luther King die? Why did Malcom X die? Why did Tesla almost got forgotten? Why did so many people die? Well, because they were alone in a way. Maybe not when it comes to humans being around them, but alone when it comes to humans being on a similar level like them.

This is not about comparing.

It is about, why did they die?

The thing is, that usually most people gave up after their leader died. Be it in wars, in politics, in other areas. But if everyone could be the leader and therefor no one is, the whole thing can’t fail.

If you look at Anonymous for example. It is a movement and everybody can join. There are of course some people who say that they are working for them, but I think most of them just want to be famous and attention. And some of THEM might just want to make the movement look bad or something.

Anonymous is actually about all being free, about not having one leader, about not having just one goal and everyone can do something. It is about justice, about freedom and working together.

You don’t have to know anything about hacking and such things, just feel like it and you are in. There is no group, no party, no leader, no rules. At least not from what I have heard and seen so far. Some of course build groups around it, what is okay if they just do it to work together on something. But it is a free idea, a movement and not a special group or something.

When I was a little child I had no problem speaking up, asking questions and doing what I want. Only later over time, while my situation simply didn’t change much and I didn’t want to break out because I thought: “Why should I, if I would still be alone? I could breakout at any point, but if it would just be for me, then I would rather die.” So I just stayed because I thought, well, maybe one day there could actually be a change.

But in the end a part of my brain just started to open up to a friend and then more or less automatically started a change, started to create things again. I was so trapped and resignated the last years, that I forgot that I was actually smarter than everyone around me. Man, now that I know that again it feels pretty good. But just recently it was like hell again.

Luckily I found people like Gronkh / Erik Range. And I also found out about some relatives who were thinking in a similar way. They helped me sometimes and I helped them and now I hope that we will help each other to accomplish our dreams together.

We usually all fought alone most of the time. We are still alive, but it was a hard fight for us all. It made us stronger, but we could have accomplished that together as well. What happened, happened. But fun and positive, like-minded people around you, will make your life better.

The ones who are seen as introverts, as weirdos, as sickos, maybe psycho or something. We are actually a big family, if we would stick together and open up. But I guess there always has to be someone who makes the first step.

For my part, I think we had too many of these people already and they all got either shot, burned, hanged or they killed themselves and if not simply ignored until they died or what ever happened.

The thing is, that you can’t open up to people who aren’t like-minded. My mother tried and she usually got rejected or people simply changed topics etc. So she isolated herself more and more.

I also isolated myself because I simply didn’t see the point in trying to talk to people who don’t want to listen anyways.

I found some people along the way, opened up a little, but still, I sometimes didn’t know about what anymore.

I just blocked, blocked and pushed the delete button in my brain as much as possible. I wanted to forget myself and that I was smarter, that I was alone and trapped because of my age.

My mother and I sometimes were on the same wave length you could say and we are. But usually she was under so much pressure because of work (she hated most of the time) and my father and all the people who were so “normal” that she sometimes also got ugly.

The last days we were on the same wave again and I hope it stays like this for longer now and hopefully forever.

My father is a master narcissit, while he is trapped himself. But I can’t help him right now. I have to survive together with my mother and get the hell out of here.

I think, that people who are scared, to act introverted or depressed maybe crazy from a “normal” point of view, they take life serious.

So if you have dreams, if you have ideas, if you see things. Maybe you see what most people can’t see and therefor call you crazy. Tell you that you are sick, while maybe they are or neither them or you. But you are simply gifted in a way.

Would we all be the same, wouldn’t the world be a gray, dark and boring place? I guess you can agree.

I solved the problems of the world many times in my head, in my dreams, but I have to redo it now and now it might actually be harder for me. I don’t know. The thing is, that I solved them when I was in secondary school, but because I always thought that I would be alone with this and therefor no one would listen to me anyways, I forgot it again and again.

I always thought, what does it help when I know all the answers, when no one listens and I can’t do it alone? Then I could also just die.

I hope I will never have to consider this again. Because when I once heard a smart one say: “I wish I would have your problems.” Meaning normal people, I thought towards him: “I wish I would have your problems.”

If you understand what I mean…

When I for example saw a movie or heard some music and things which were actually about the things in my head and about all these possibilites and problems to solve, I had hope. But whenever I then saw or heard that these people were also just acting normal in their free time or in general, I thought, well okay maybe they just do this without knowing. And then I also lost hope again many times. But a part of me always had hope and I am thankful for it. At least for now.

As long as we live, we can change. And people can change, don’t believe those who say different. Most people just want excuses for their own believes, actions and problems. This doesn’t mean that you are one of them or we. But many are until they hopefully realize one day, that it was all just because of something called money or power.

Together we are strong, together we are smart, togethe we are wise. And some of us maybe even on their own. But fighting alone is hard because it can often seem pointless, hopeless and frustrating. Now at least more and more people open up about their actual fights. And this should not stop. If everyone does this, we can become free altogether.

It (the things like money, power, rage, etc.) makes us do things we later regret, but it has no power of us, if we stick together, finally.

In the past this was pretty difficult because of distance, age, timezones, language etc. but now we have the internet, translating tools (they help at least) and such things.

We are smarter, we are stronger, we are fighters and survivors. And we need to make each other happy, feel good and not alone anymore. If you have no secrets towards someone and this someone does the same towards you, there is love, there is true friendship and all these good things.

If you need some, I am here. At least for now. And I don’t plan on leaving any time soon. 🙂

It is hard, always hard at first. But if there is nothing left to say, if nothing is a burden to you anymore, then you are free and should feel pretty good after some time. But again, you have first find someone who you can trust. And this is tricky when you are feeling alone. Therefor observe the people around you and maybe you find someone who acts similar in a way. If not, just come to me, or just leave a message for me. 🙂

No one should feel alone. If of course you want to be alone for some time because otherwise you can’t be creative, that is another story, but everyone needs someone to really open up. Sadly most of the time the people around you aren’t the ones who you can talk to, while they want you to, only to say mean things or tell you paradox things again.

Play the fool if you need, play the ghoul if you think that will help, but don’t be ugly. And with ugly I mean, like everybody else.

I knew it all, all the time, but this doesn’t mean, that I have all the answers. But that I know how to get them, when I need them. And I will always find them, always be able to decode, should I get encoded again.

It isn’t possible to fight me and that is why people around me manipulated me, so that I started fighting myself. Looking back, this is the exact strategy on how you fight an enemy which is not beatable – you find a way to make the enemy fight against themselves.

In my case people did their part and I then found a way to manipulate myself. So I actually was the one who fought against me most of the time because it was easier than accepting that no one understands me.

But the whole time, no one was able to really fight against me because only I am able to. And if I don’t, then even if someone wants to fight me, it doesn’t matter.

Maybe they are able to kill me, maybe not. I just know, that if I don’t want to get killed, I will probably find a way.

Do you know the way? 😀

I know the way.

The difference between playing God and being God is: when you are God, you know what you are doing.

I know what I am doing in a way, while I can’t explain everything in words, at least not yet. I first had to find a way to put my thoughts into words.

But now that I found a way, by using music, movies, games and words and all together, I was finally able to.

And this doesn’t mean that I am God, like the Almighty. I am just one of many “Gods”. Or call it angels, call it children of God. Whatever you want. But God is not what the churches, religions and most people think or say.

God is real, God is within all of us because we humans are God. But maybe that is again just me and some strange people who died a long time ago.

Who knows, who knows…

We will see what the future brings.

But don’t forget, each of us is important. Don’t think you are useless if you aren’t “productive”. The biggest inventions and the biggest changes in general, were the results of doing nothing for some time. And just letting the mind go wooooiiiiiiiiii ;D

So let it go wooooiiii or how you want to call.

And if you are scared to do it alone, I am always here to wooooiiiiii together with you or maybe others.

Stay woooiiii my friends! xD

Or just feel good and know you are loved! Because I love you and other people like us. We are a big family. 💞 💕 💗

So yeah, don’t play God, be God. 😀

It is way easier when this means to be together with true friends, working on new things to make our all lives actually better. Those who play God, just want to make their own life better or just make perfect things even better, which obviously can’t work.

Never change a running system. When it comes to our body, this is true. But most things around us aren’t really running. They just work because too many people want them to work and therefor they “work”. While others have to pay the price.

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