I am not the / a problem

I didn’t have problems at first and I usually found ways to fight my way out of them. But sometimes it seemed pointless.

Read with caution and your own behalf. I hope it helps and doesn’t harm you. Only read farther if you want. And I am still just someone on the internet, who shares thoughts, ideas and perspectives on things.

I know that I am not the problem and that I am not a problem. But most of the time I simply resignated because my power got sucked up.

Now I am actively defending myself again, while I open up. For example to random people on the internet or you my fellow reader. And also some of my relatives and friends.

The core problem in my case was always outside of me. My parents and then how the world seemed to work.

School was at first something else and new, but it turned into a problem as well pretty soon because I didn’t learn as much as I wanted to. Elementary school was at least a little more challenging then secondary school because my class was in an experiemental computer learning program. In secondary school there wasn’t such a thing. Always pressure, always long and boring things, but mainly the situation with my parents got me down.

Playing games helped me a lot. I am so thankful for the one cousin who gave me his old computer. It gave me the possibility to escape this nonsense hell. I played way too many hours and I don’t regret a single one of it. I learned so many things through playing video games. I learned how to work with resources in order to either use them efficiently or for example to plant new trees after cutting others down.

I learned tactics on how to win against enemies and I conquered the (virtual) world many times in different games.

I rule the word in The Settlers II, I ruled it in Mount&Blade Warband, I ruled it in Total War Medieval II and maybe in some others I can’t remember right now.

I fought my way through.

I mainly learned to not think to much and just use the logic in my brain. But because I often got told otherwise because people did of course not know what was in my head, they told me all the wrong things.

They treated me as if I were an idiot until I almost became one.

Religions, school education, people in my area.

This got me into thinking many times. It got me into overthinking some times and lately even into overthinking the overthinking process (almost burned my brain completely, like an endless loop in a CPU).

My strength isn’t to think, but to just do. But because of all my experiences in my life, my home and all the people who – of course – knew better (they really had no clue), I more and more distanced myself from my own self.

You could say, I distanced myself from the common sense I had from childhood on. And when I heard that most people actually don’t have or use their common sense, it made sense in a way. It sounds paradox because of the name “common” while it is uncommon, but this is how it usually is.

Why? – Because this is how the parents (if they were already broken as well) tell it their kids and how school often tells it and so on.

It is almost impossible to not get sick at some point, lost or die because of it.

The thing which gave me hope again, was a part of me which didn’t want me to die. Since my childhood I was beyond the will to die instantly, I simply accepted death as a friend in a way. A friend who would save me, hopefully one day soon. This is what I came up with in elementary school time.

I am usually a fast learner, but because I learn so fast, I am usually bored, then depressed and hopeless. Why? Because usually you have to wait several years to get an exam in some area. But for me, this was so frustrating.

I usually was like: Why can’t I just learn all the things in my way, in my tempo and maybe do an exam in a way comfortable to me? For example by simply recording my own progress with a camera, then presenting it together with some of my resulting works to the people who can give me a certificate and done.

“But no”, the people said, “this is not how it is done.”

There are some school’s who are called “Waldorfschule”, basically the name of someone and the word “school”. And I never really got told how these schools are. Always when I asked people, they just said something like: “The children there dance their names” and such things. And I was like, okay that is weird. Because I then thought, well maybe the people there are even less intelligent.

Wrong assumption, based on wrong answers. But well, this is how people in my area usually are, I guess.

I mean the teachers even made fun of them. They said, that we would at least get the learning material properly and tests and such things, while they have different methods, but have to do the same exams in the end.

And then I again thought, well they must have it even harder.

Wrong assumption again, based on wrong assumption of others.

While at an early stage of my school life I still knew that it was not made for me, my parents didn’t listen. And I didn’t talk much in school. So there usually was no one who saved me or said to me: “Hey, just come and try it out and see how it goes.”

I think that noone around here even really knew about these schools or what they were actually about. I still don’t really know, but from what I found out over the years (when I was clear in mind), these school would have been way better for me. I am usually doing my own thing, I am very task driven (when I start something I want to make it at least work in a way). I didn’t give much about other people, but I always seemed to have to.

Group project here, team work there, talking in front of class, sharing what I was doing during the lessons.

I got bored more and more, depressed more and more, anxious, crazy, sick and what else negative there is. But only when I was in school or with people I hated or simply knew that they don’t understand (basically most people). And those who were probably different, either were alone for themselves as well or I just had some short conversations with them on the way home for example or in the breaks between the lessons.

But whenever I was free, I played, programmed, watched TV or movies in the internet and stuff. I felt good doing so. I even realized that for example watching horror movies made me stronger (psychadelic ones and sci-fi horror and similar things). I am mentally pretty strong, but in my case it was helpful and hurting at the same time.

I couldn’t ask for help because each time I tried, people harmed me even more because they thought they knew what the problem was.

So I stopped talking most of the time. Luckily I found some friends in the internet, outside of this hell. I learned to trust them, eventhough some of them might harmed me later as well. But usually they didn’t. And then I got rid of most of them again because the resignation took over again.

Through all the friends outside of the area I was living in, I learned to at least feel more free. I got creative.

When I got internet when I was 13, I pretty soon started to learn programming because I finally could do so.

Before that, it was pointless. I had no internet and therefor no resources. Sure I could have bought books, but I mean, I never really was the book guy. I read many books because I had to during school time and I enjoyed most of them because I was free to choose what I wanted to read. Actually I was into comics, and cartoons. Man I almost forgot… (thank you brain for accessing these good memories).

When I was watching TV at my grandfathers at some point in elementary school time and early secondary school, my father let me watch TV. But only if I would watch “cartoons” / drawn things or for eample child TV.

I soon found out that I could trick him by even watching anime for people my age because he would just look a short time and see drawn characters and then say something like: “Ah, good.” and leave again.

Or I changed the channel when either my father or my mother entered the room because both of them wouldn’t let me watch things which weren’t for my age. I sure watched everything, even things I maybe actually shouldn’t have watched, but it didn’t kill me.

I just often thought, that many things meant for adults were even more stupid and I didn’t understand why for example a movie was labeled (Age 18) just because someone got thier head cut off with blood coming out. I just didn’t understand, why this was so heavy that only people 18+ could watch it. While on the other hand comdey with sex talk was free in age. And all these nonsense. I watched many things and I watched them simply because I wanted to learn and I did. And before you think, that I was like: “Oh, they cut a hole in their stomach, let’s try that myself.”, no I knew that this was “just” TV, so that I couldn’t trust most of it.

I realized these things. But I had problems with other things like futuristic ideas on how expeditions to Mars (for example) could be because I was in the end convinced that we already was on Mars because everything was so detailed an realistic. Well, I had my problems with realism in games and movies. But usually things weren’t to realistic and I knew that it was just a game and just a movie etc.

It is good to know that again and to repair my brain while I am writing.

But it is still hard to accept, that what I know is true and that many or most things people around my area, family etc. said are indeed wrong.

It is so hard to accept because I gave up many years ago. Not completely, but I was not fully me since childhood. Always working against me because otherwise I would have only cried, screamed or destroyed everything around me. Simply because almost no one understood me. And I wasn’t shy or not able to speak. I was asking a lot of questions when I was just 1 or 2 years old and in later years. I was talking to people on the street and so on. I was very open, interested, learning and understanding. But because I always got told as a kid that things just are how they are, I more and more lost the trust in myself.

I more and more started to believe, that I have to obey and just let it happen until I hopefully die one day.

I mean, I put some kind or small rope thing around my throat and around a chair next to my bed when I was maybe 8 or something. I did this because I thought, I could let me get killed this way. The plan was, that the rope was under my blanket and the chair next to it, so that you wouldn’t see the rope. Then I thought, that when there was a chair or something next to my bed before, my parents usually put it away. I thought, should they just do that without turning the light on, so that they won’t wake me up, it could work and I would simply die in the sleep. It didn’t happen.

I also tried to fall asleep with the blanket over my head because I knew that I would slowly die because I wouldn’t breath. It almost worked and looked like an accident, I even was a little blue when my mother luckily walked in and saw it. But she actually thought that it was an accident, the way I intended it.

I probably had many more of these things, from the wish to shoot myself with my grand father’s gun to the point where I had to distance myself from bridge borders because I wanted to just jump down there.

I have visualized me getting hit by a car, as if it was an accident.

Just writing it down and thinking how creative I was in the way of how I planned my death, is pretty scary and interesting at the same time.

Now I know, that I am in a way a super human, but only because most humans believe those who have the power or just keep quiet like everybody else in a way.

I might not be able to fly yet, like Superman or to stop bullets in the air, but you never know what the future brings, right? 😀

Everyone has something special, but usually this isn’t valued because big companies and things like capitalism rule the world (basically money).

Not everyone has to have a super brain, a super body and all, the heart is what counts. Eventhough you might not even know it yourself anymore.

I believe that we can create our own heavens. Because in my way of thinking, heaven doesn’t have to be one thing. Maybe you are into water, then you could sail through the oceans. And if you want to have time for yourself this is also possible.

“Heaven is a place on earth”

I think people usually search the cause of mental problems in the explanation of the current state. This means, that everything has to be slow, everything takes a long time and in general is exhausting.

But the root cause for most mental problems lies so deep that most people don’t consider it as the problem. And those who do, usually keep quiet, get killed or just try to ignore it while taking drugs and such.

I am talking about how the world works. When your parents get depressed because of their environment and the people around them, the government and the global economy, you are also very likely do get down because of it. But even if they are somehow happy with it, you could be smarter and thinking farther.

If you think far enough, you know that at one point in the future heaven will be on earth. But until then, we are in hell, while some might just live somewhere free because they found their heaven maybe.

So heaven for me is just a way of describing something where you are happy with others. This can be right now, can be in the future or maybe even after death. Who knows.

And when you know that heaven isn’t a thing we all have to commit to, like it is used to be, actually everyone wants to be a part of it.

So whether heaven is possible on earth, is after death, is green, is purple or rainbow. Heaven is what makes you happy, your heart happy.

The root for most of us being broken is outside of us, around us, but not inside of us.

Uusually we get told this and in some cases this could be true, but usually it is not the case. The brain is made to find a way to work with current environment. If you feel good most of the time and have healthy way of making mistakes, learning from them and just be, the brain is free to be open and explore. But most people aren’t really feeling good. They think they do, but they never really were feeling good. So when someone is highly sensitive and intelligent like me, they call me weak, call me weird and lazy and all that.

But my brain was simply not able to adapt to the environment and to the world we are living in because it felt so hopeless, brutal and without any chance for a better life.

So would someone have given me medication or therapy, all what would have happened, would be me getting even more depressed. Why? Well, because the root cause of my problems were, that everyone around me seemed to ignore my opinion, seemed to be part of the system.

If I would have wanted to be rich, famous or cool or something, I would have understood it, but I mean, I just wanted to do what I love in order to help others. But no one seemed to understand it.

In school you get taught, that everything needs a looooot of time. And that you HAVE TO learn long in order to do it. Well, maybe this is the case for some people, I don’t know. But in my case I was probably smarter than most of the people in my area when I was in elementary school or even before that. This is not me playing the “I am better than you” role. I am far from that. I hated my intelligence because I couldn’t share it with anyone my whole life. No one could follow my thoughts, was trusting me, was supporting me. Sure some people tried in their way, but it all was pointless because no one had seen the root causes.

At some point in school I thought, well at least I can tell others later how weird the whole world is and change it for the better maybe. But I soon lost those ideas again. Alone you can’t win, at least usually. It is pretty strong, when you can win just on your own, but this is not necessary.

Some of us had to fight alone for most of their life as well maybe or at least in some parts of their life so far. But this shouldn’t be the default, this should be the exception. Because if you trust no one, then who will trust you?

Trust is a difficult topic in times in which everyone tells lies to convince people.

I could be one of them, but I don’t want that. Because it is easy to get rich, famous or cool with lies, tricks and using others, but what is actually cool is ignored.

Someone who survived a lot of trauma, went through hell and back, maybe several times, these people are strong. But those who just want money and such, they will hopefully wake up one day or they will sadly die without ever experiencing real love, life and people.

We live in a world of blood suckers and people got used to the constant: One will always loose.

But why? – Isn’t this just another successful example of capitalism or other strange system trying to manipulate people?

What is capitalism for? It is for making profit of the work of others, you for example.

And then everything is wrapped around it, so that it will look as if it works. But look into Africa, Asia and just your neighborhood maybe. Do you see happy people?

Capitalism has nothing to do with the will and nothing to do with caring for others. Capitalism is just about money, and resources.

There is no such one system for all people. But it doesn’t have to be. Because if everyone could choose their system, I think there would enough people in each one. Maybe even helping each other out during crisis.

People talk bad about Communism, while the actual Communism never existed. People talk about Anarchy in a negative way, while they don’t even know what the word means. I am for a moved for all humans. Something which doesn’t force people into one thing. If some people want to live in communism, let them live. If some want to live in Anarchy, let them do so and if some people want to just do their own thing, why not just let them try?

It isn’t too important, but what is important, that we finally get over this: “Someone always has to loose.”

Maybe some people just need a long time to learn, some people don’t want to. Okay. That is their life.

I am not the problem, you are not the problem. The systems are not working, while most people say: “Never change a running system.” But no one has ever seen one, am I wrong? At least when it comes to the way of living life.

There is a difference between being exhausted/hopeless/depressed/tired and lazy/foolish/unproductive. I was never lazy, foolish or unproductive, but still people said that to me. What is productive? In my case, I am trying to help people. But many people just want to help themselves because they think this is how it goes, how life works. While all what they do is to commit themselves towards a system, believe, idiology etc.

Most people are scared, so they wear masks in order to survive. But for what? Only to die without being free? I didn’t want to live like that, so I wanted to die as a kid and still just recently. Other people reminded me, that I wasn’t alone in this fight.

I am so happy that more and more people are standing up, care for each other, support each other and offer real help. Professional help is sometimes good, but I think I am not made for it. When I want to help someone, then with all my heart because this is the only way.

If you just tell them some phrases or quotes and tell them to go seek help, they will either actually get crazy or die one way or another. Because many therapists and others also do it this way. They take books, pills and things like that because it is easy.

_ Just dont interact or even show empathy towards the patient. It could cause emotions, oh bad emotions _

Luckily it isn’t always like this, but sadly way too often.

If you don’t learn how to trust at home, if you can’t trust the system because it is not working, how should you help people, how should you trust yourself?

Also this: “You will never be fully healed” bullshit… (not meaning that the people who are suffering from long-term damage, like I do. I didn’t want to make you feel bad). If you want to heal, you will be heal in no time. But the reason why this usually doesn’t work is, because of the way how the world works in many cases. There is always money involved, time and the need for you to keep going.

If you have a broken leg, you also shouldn’t walk on it. And if you have a broken economy system, you also shouldn’t “walk” on it or with it. Because if you do it, you will only make it worse. And for the mind. You can heal, you will heal, when you are not part of the system anymore.

I am not really part of the system anymore. I mean I am still registered and all, but for my part I am floating in the air right now (not literally, but to describe my situation in other words).

I know that I won’t be able to stay like this forever, but I just tell myself that I have all the time I need. I relax more often and let my thoughts be free.

Pushing myself won’t work. It only brought me into depression. I naturally do things when I feel good because I can’t do nothing over a long period of time. But in a healthy way.

My life still is like a miracle and a horror story at the same time. And now I am waiting for it to become an even more colorful life and to help many people with what I learned so far through my experiences.

School didn’t teach me, I taught myself. God taught me, experiences taught me, trial and error taught me. Education didn’t help me, it made be go nuts.

For me school and economy and all are luck bad jokes in a way.

_ We tell the kids to be free, so that they think they are, so that we can make them work for us _

Out of the box thinking.

I am a natural out of the box thinker.

Are you one?

I think it is hard to learn it, while you are in the box. For me, I just thought the box away and therefor I was outside of it.

When my father was harming me with his fanatism, I simply erased his existence whenever he wasn’t present anymore. Sadly this also blocked many other good memories over the years, but I survived because of it.

In order to solve a problem, you have to think as if it was solved already.

I know that this is pretty strange and maybe not helpful. But what I am trying to tell you is: You can’t fight fire with fire. It makes no sense. We are not talking about a complex situation here, just about fire. And I hope we can agree that if you put two burning pieces of wood together, the fire will only get bigger.

So in order to escape a system which is working against you, you first have to find someone who can fight with you and then together try to think in a way, as if it doesn’t exist.

Like making fun of a monster, while it was meant to scare you.

But not meaning that it is done with the fun. Just use the humor to help you to get through it. You have to feel good and you can only feel good when you are with other people or at least other beings, like cats for example. My cat is very kind and cares a lot about me and I for her. Maybe you have a cat as well or a dog, maybe a bird?

When you reached the point in which you can think, that there is no such thing than capitalism anymore (thinking the monster away), you can actually work on the solution. Because when there is no capitalism, what is there? People who want something else, usually just complain or fight wars against each other, only to realize in the end, that they didn’t even know what for.

“You are not the problem, you are part of the solution.”

When you were able to reach the point of out of box (which sounds more special and complicated than it is), basically just ignoring everything which makes you feel bad. Then you can actually write down what you want. Usually this would be not much. Maybe free time, the ability to do what you love, no must, no forcing, no dependency. And then you are an out of box thinker.

If you pay someone to learn how to become an out of box thinker, you will probably not become one. Why? Because you got scammed or at least used.

And I mean, it could still help you, but you have to accept one thing: You can learn whatever you want, if you really want.

But you will probably never learn it, when you search for ways on how to learn it because there is no way. When I learned programming with 14, I just googled, watched some videos to get inspired. At first I copied some code from others to see how it goes and then I modified it.

In order to learn something, you just have to know what you want. If you know what you want, you will find a way. Otherwise you will just waste time, money and brain power.

I for example would want that more people would wake up and start to think out of the box. But while I had a strong will and also some support from the higher consciousness, many people get hypnotized at an early stage and never get out of it again until it is too late. So this is what I want to work on. So now I have a goal. And the boxes disappear.

I also want that people can actually think for themselves. But most people just think that they do that. And then there are people like me who actually think for themselves, but because no one around them does it, they think they are the idiot, the problem or just lost. They want to die, they want to leave and see no hope because everyone else around them seems to be in their own world.

I experienced this at work, in school in my family and so on. I told people my opinion, but then they simply repeated their opinion and did what they wanted anyways. As if I didn’t say a word, until I started to actually not talk. I simply thought it is pointless, useless to talk because at worst it would only make things worse for me and otherwise people would do what they want anyways.

At least I am not alone with this, while sadly way too many people are part of it or at least somehow trapped in it because they might be scared as well.

When you start to care for the people around you, barriers get out of the way. When you start to actually think for yourself by listening to your heart, you will find ways, new ways.

I mean if you are feeling good with working most of the time and having to work in order to live, okay that is your choice. But I know that there are many other ways. I simply didn’t see a possibility for them to become reality until now because I was feeling alone in this fight. I am not anymore, luckily.

I hope you are also feeling less alone now.

And for me it was important that I could talk to someone who was also aware of all this nonsense and paradox behavior in the world.

Because I usually was feeling alone while I was surrounded by people. It was then, when I felt better when I was alone. But I feel even better when I am around people who share similar ideas and have the ability to see through the lies.

Who ever you might be and whether you understood what I wrote or not or just parts of it. You are welcome! 🙂

And if you want to talk, write or just someone to play a video game or whatever, let me know. 😀

I don’t bite and nothing can shock me. Well, I mean maybe some things, but these are usually things far beyond existence. So don’t worry.

And (at least for me) the age is also not a problem because I was in elementary school when I was realizing how wrong the world was, so yeah.

Older people are also welcome. I usually got along with older people anyways.

Just for those who don’t know, I am 22 years old. But the age really doesn’t matter.

And you can use whatever way of communication. Be it paper mail, email, a comment on the blog, Steam, Discord. But phone calls maybe not because I still have a problem with phones. Argh… for you I could even use the phone.

Anything what helps. Because when I needed help, the ways which got offered, where only ways which only made it worse. Like face to face conversations, the need to go somewhere and such things.

But real help should not be limited. Real help is asking what the people in need want. Sadly I usually only found “help” to be in a way how others want you to help, while they sometimes even just want your money.

For me the whole therapy concept is bullshit. At least the conventional ways. And sadly I usually only see them. Wasn’t there a time when the customer was king?

In this case, the people who are in need.

I don’t expect people to contact me, but I will still offer it and everyone is welcome. Even if you don’t speak english that well or german. We will find ways. And I mean, translators do exist. 😀 Some of them even work. ^^

Discord Server: https://discord.gg/6sb2Tj

Steam: https://steamcommunity.com/groups/jsysthealmanac

Email: hansjuergoe@gmail.com

And if you need something else, just tell me.

If you want, we could even meet in person and you can also fight against me a little, should it help you. Anything what helps. And be it just sharing music, GIFs or emojis.

Never fight alone, only if you know what you are doing. Do you know?

I know, at least usually.

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