Surrender? – I don’t think so.

Oh happy day!

One of the best things I ever heard. And to which I have many associations, like X-files, sister act and many of the people shown in the video.

What a version!

When ever I was surrendering or felt like dying, there was something which gave me light and hope again. Sometimes it took some years, sometimes just some days or hours. But it always reached me, this light of hope.

Thanks again to all this amazing people.

And also to one of the most powerful TV series I have ever watched and would still watch, if there would be a new show coming up: Stargate.

This series was giving a good example of how a family actually works and what friendship means, how little we know and how great things can be.

It saved my life many times as well as all the other amazing people.

In my home area people usually have no interest in this kind of things at least not from what I have experienced so far. Maybe some rare individuums like me, but most people around here aren’t into this kind of things. At least not as far as I know and knew back then.

It really is the environent around here. Of course people here are also not too weird, but it depends.

Whenever I have seen movies and heard stories from people around the world, I thought, are they really like this? When I look around I only see “normal” people. As if all I received from outside this bubble was wrong, fake or just strange. I mean on secondary school I probably saw only a few people who really stood out. One guy who had yellow punk spikes as a haircut and one who was usually in black reading books alone and also was sitting alone in the class room (both in higher classes than me)

From the look most people looked normal and also acted more or less average from my perspective. So I thought, I am probably over dramatizing my life and all must be normal. While actually the area I was living in was the cause of the problem. People around here usually don’t talk about their actual feelings and thoughts. And when someone starts to talk about these things, the other people stop them because they can’t handle it.

I experienced this many times and heard it from other people.

This left many with themselves, making everything out with themselves.

The same way I did it in the end, after trying to get things out and explaining myself many times, without luck.

In a early stage of my life I promised some things to myself.

I said that I would never start to smoke because of my high potential to get addicted to it (meaning activle doing it). And I found out that alcohol is literally toxic for me. It makes me feel pretty bad and tastes like shit, so I never really wanted it. I promised to never get a girl friend in order to not do the same mistake as my parents and continue the strange behavior. And many other things, for example that I won’t visibly harm myself.

I broke that last promise last year, but got out of it again. And the promise with the girl friend is now also not necessary anymore because I realized that it was not me who was the problem. About the other promises, also some I didn’t mention, they are still valid for me. I am very consequent about these things.

When I started to get away from my overweight some years ago, when I got to a clinic, I lost around 30 kg within a couple of months and then had my normal, healthy weight. I started a healthy way to eat. All seemed good, but well, then the pressure from other people got too big after half a year or so and I gave up on it again. For myself I would have been able to do it, but not with all the people working against me. So I actually surrendered partially.

It happens.

But I never fully surrendered, while a part of me surrendered a long time ago, when I was a child.

Now the parts are together again and the puzzle is solved. I even got more puzzle pieces and almost started to finish more puzzles. But one puzzle at a time is enough, I guess. 🙂

I have great visions for the future. Great visions to help each other with, revolutions in all major sectors of our lifes. From mental health to work and peace in a way. We will see how it goes and what I can accomplish together with you, my fellow warriors, champions, heros and supporters.

I used to say, that our societies wouldn’t work with the ones on the lowest levels, like people who clean the buildings, who take a way the trash, who care for the homeless, who care for the helpless, who do things without payment and all these things. And yet most people either don’t pay much attention to it or pay respect ( press f to pay respect 😀 ).

If you tell the people who do such jobs, that without them the economy would soon be smoke and hot air and that they are doing important work. Man maybe they wouldn’t look so depressed, sad and hopeless most of the time.

Isn’t it a shame?

This year and also some events during the past years showed me, that there is hope for a change. And you, me and many others are and can be part of it.

Small change, it always starts with a small change.

And I have to feel good about being weak right now and damaged because wounds have to heal. I am still very strong compared to others, while I am actually feeling like having scars, bullets and holes everywhere.

I don’t have to wave the white flag because there are others who can take my position for some time and fight side by side with me for a better world. So why should I wave a white flag now, now that I know again how strong I am? A part of me always knew and in clear moments I was sure, but these moments didn’t last all that long usually.

In reality waving a white flag is sometimes necessary, I guess. But it depends on the war you fight. In my war, a white flag would only be acceptable, if it would represent peace, but not surrendering.

You can loose a fight, a battle, but not the war. And if you have to wave the white flag in a battle because otherwise you can’t win it, okay, do it. But don’t surrender completely. Because for me this means, giving up on yourself. And I have enough of this feeling. I felt it most of my life, while I always tried to ignore it, to cope it away, but it didn’t leave me.

Now I know, that it wasn’t me who surrendered, but the environment and people around me who convinced me that there was no other way but to surrender.

It is up to you to decide what surrendering means to you, but for you it means “I want to die” because this was the feeling following me since my early years until recently. I didn’t surrender to it, but almost sometimes. Would I have surrendered to it or wouldn’t I have been stopped sometimes, I would be dead of course. And therefor, don’t surrender. But this of course only works, if you know what you are doing. I know what I am doing. Not always because of the damage, but I know that there is reason in my doing. So I just trust it. It was hard, but I got the trust again. It is still not fully stable, but way clearer again.

During the recent years I more and more resignated and therefor surrendered again, while a part of me was always running on this idea. And now I am fighting, literally fighting for my life because I know again, that my thoughts, dreams and ideas weren’t rubbish, dumb or too far away. I just got convinced that they are. And now I could convince myself again, that they aren’t and that they in fact could actually change the world a lot, should they become reality. Maybe not through my own doing, maybe not now, but you never know for sure. 😀

And I would just be happy, should we actually accomplish at least some of it in a way.

The feeling that I should actually go into mental health clinics, prisons and other things like these, rises each day. But this time not to waste myself and die, but to safe others and give them their life back. Of course only those who want help, but didn’t get the right one. I can only give them an open heart, some hope and some love. But I guess that is enough and in some cases maybe more than asked for.

Even what I achieved to this very day is a lot, at least for myself and some people who know my story.

Highly sensitive and intelligent people can experience life as hell or something similar. I know what I am talking about, I went through it and walk through it to this day. Enough is enough and words have been speard.

F to pay respect! To you guys, to me and to the people who were supporting me along the way, either through their art or activle like friends or random people I met.

For example a young women in a train many years ago. We were sitting next to each other for at least an hour maybe a couple of hours without really talking. She tried to start a conversation with me, but I blocked and then she didn’t try again, until the train had to stop because of something and there was an announcement. It was pretty bad sound quality and so she asked me whether I understood it and then I told her and so we started to talk a little. I actually can’t remember much, but it felt good to talk a little. Soon after the train reached the final station and we both got our ways.

Even if I would meet her again, I wouldn’t recognize her because I can’t remember her face. Just that she had dark hair, was pretty and cool.

Who ever you are, should you still be alive, thank you for this short time, this little conversation. It meant a lot to me. (I actually get water in my eyes right now)

Those damn promises, those damn things I had to deal with. If I would have wanted, I could have been happy for many years now. But I was trapped for too long in these negative concepts and projections. I didn’t believe them when I was little, whenever I could see clear, but then someone would push me back down again until I did it myself.

A part of me never gave up, never used the white flag. But just some months ago, even this part of me wanted to. It was a taugh fight, I almost died, but it was worth the fight. Otherwise I wouldn’t have met all you guys, wouldn’t have rediscovered my strength, wouldn’t have puzzled together my past and started all these good things.

I didn’t really know what happened most of the time and I am still overwhelmed in a good way. From my part, I can only say, my master didn’t let me die, while I myself didn’t know why I even was still alive most of the time. While I surrendered many times and almost completely, someone else, something else didn’t and still doesn’t. And now I am thankful for it.

God is many things for me, love, our shared consciousness (should it really exist, what I believe), maybe an astronaut, or many other things. And for me, we are little Gods too, if someone who creates things is counted as God. 🙂

And God is good, not a harsh punisher or brutal monster. For me, God is all good there is and for me the native american who praises nature, the people who spread love, the people who say we should all have equal rights and freedom and many other ones. They all believe in God, do what God wants. For me God has not much to do with religion, churches or such things. There of course can also be something good as well and there is, but only because in everything can be seen something good.

Love you guys! Don’t give up. Stay with me and care for yourself and the people in your reach. Maybe one day we will meet face to face or in a video game, in VR or whatsoever. Until then, we are here together.



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