A(n) (Anti-)Hero was born

Rewiring, re-realizationing, revisiting, writing down and experiencing my past, let me accept that I was actual born as something holy. Then this holy something met broken, evil darkness. At first I fought like a champ, I knew what I wanted, I knew what I could do, even though I wasn’t sure how far I could go. I guess you never really know for sure.

Usually when you read or hear about Comic (or in general) hero background stories, you find something traumatic, something dramatic or supernatural.

While I am still not a hundred when it comes to my sanity because I feel still pretty crazy most of the time, I think I will become some kind of hero.

What makes me say this, without just pretending?

Because my mind went so far, when I am not blocked by my fears others put on to me, nothing can stop me.

Why Anti-hero? Well, if the part(s) of me which are still broken and got broken would take control, they could make me Batman and the Joker at the same time. I actually didn’t watch the later movies, just an older one. But I heard, that there were different perspectives in the latest (or at least a newer one).

What makes me know, that I won’t abuse my power – should I be able to stabilize my abilities to be working for me and for the people and not against me or the people?

Because I revisited my past through my self-therapy and all the confronting of my fears. I found out, that I was a strong fighter, at least in my own battles. Usually I was kind toward others and tried my best to help them, sometimes even against my will and feelings. I have the ability to calm a room full of people just by my presence. How? Well, I have my believes, my theories. I have heard from many others.

Usually a hero either dies for others, fights actively against evil (people / beings) or just helps others in need.

When it comes to my true self, this is all true, while actually the last one is the thing I would say fits the most.

The other things are also there, but many perspectives make them less important. Meaning: When I would try to fight evil, where should I start and where should I end? Therefor: Evil can’t be fight by fighting against people, at least not in my case. And dying for others would only be the last option, should there be a situation in which I wouldn’t see any other solution in order to save someone (for example a child).

Only the sick and broken parts of me would of course start a fight, want to die and do all kinds of weird stuff. Partially learned, partially created by myself because of depressive environments and early negative assumptions which got “approved” throughout my life.

So to sum up my “hero” background story: I went through almost all mental disorders (at least through thoughts and felt experiences, not necessarily all in reality), I learned, life is about doing what you hate in order to live a life you don’t want. I learned it is paradox and got broken. Until I finally not just had clear moments, but a year long more or less self-therapy without stopping it. I became my own master because I always was a master, highly intelligent, highly sensitive and in general pretty high (not meaning on drugs).

My anti-hero story would be almost the same, except that I would have decided to make radical changes, go radical paths and use my ability and knowledge to gain power and use people for my own benefit.

I prefer the hero story because it is the true story and the story which describes what I want and what I always was in a way. The anti-hero story of myself, is only all what is not really me or part of me, just collected, created and developed over the years.

I can’t be fully free from these things because they are more or less a part of me now and many of them are somewhat hard-wired or hard-coded you could say. So a trial to remove me would probably damage my brain even more instead of healing it.

But what I can do, I can try to slowly “transform” negative parts of me by doing positive things. Slow is actually pretty relative for me because in good moments I could create useful programs over night or a weekend. While now it could take me a year or randomly also just a weekend. It depends.

I also came to my original knowledge and believe about and in Jesus.

You can see him as you won’t (at least if it helps you to accept him 😀 ). Because when I usually heard things about Jesus, it was in a religious environment which often was also pretty messed up. At home my crazy father, my mother who at least knew that he was crazy, but also was broken herself because of him. Then strange religious people in church and then Christianity as a whole, then other religions and so on.

My little heart was not able to understand this nonsense. All it knew, that the actual Jesus in the stories, he was helping those who wanted to actually know and needed help. He didn’t act weird towards foreigners or tried to convince people to believe him or a religion or something. No, he was open towards everyone who was open towards him or in general felt that something was missing. Many people were against him or just saw in him a problem. But he knew he did good, so he did what he did. And he also didn’t stop in front of those who were just reading the writings (e.g. Tora), he called them names. As a kid I looked around in my environment(s) and I usually didn’t see something like this. Big problems were created in my brain, big paradox and complex concepts and thought patterns.

The thing is, when I recently realized that it actually all doesn’t matter that much what is wrong with my head, at least I still know, what I don’t want.

I don’t want to harm others, I don’t want to do evil things, so where is the problem? Well, I am a little, well, I am pretty crazy inside my mind, but then how should I tell how many are like me? Maybe some thousand, maybe a million? Sure many are broken, many have problems pretty heavy ones. But still, my mind created a rationalization that probably everyone could be highly intelligent, highly sensitive and other things and that we are all the same, but I am just the stupid one asking. Just the only one not getting what everyone else already knows. And so I sold my own intelligence as stupidity and my own abilities for flaws, my own will to do good as evil and bad. And while I didn’t sell my soul, I still almost lost it.

The thing is, that usually a mind is only meant to process a certain capacity and usually has a limit. My mind of course has physical limits, but usually they aren’t met or I should say, weren’t. The sleep is necessary and I like sleeping, but actually I am someone who sleeps 6 hours and is ready for take off when I want to do something. On the other hand, when there is something I fear, hate or just makes me nervous, I usually can’t sleep at all or only for a short time without real rest.

I never really paid much attention to the word “mastermind” because for me it was something my mind for sure wasn’t able to do. But only in my broken states and because of all the unwanted extra pain, I didn’t cause.

In good states (when I successfully ignored or forgot all problems), nothing was against the thought, that I could be or have a mastermind. Whatever that means in detail or actually means, for me it is about pre-calculating and thinking things through.

Pre-calculating could mean, that I go to every likely scenario, some unlikely and even some rare scenarios and create some kind of “how possible is this” overview.

For example: I get a job

Scenario 1: I have to follow orders
-> I can’t follow orders I don’t align with
-> I either fully break down or get fired.
-> Dead end!

Scenario 2: I am willing to follow orders
-> I completely give up on myself
-> I probably break down at some point and have to quit the job
-> Open end! (more calculation needed)

Scenario 3: I can do what I want
-> I create a lot of useful tools and help people
-> I get promoted, wouldn’t be not fully satisfied but happy
-> Happy end!

For those of you who follow my blog some months now, or maybe from some previous posts, this is not all that new. The example scenarios are also not “just” examples. They actually describe how my brain “calculated” my recent situation. Luckily I chose the more unlikely scenario 2 (of course in reality I had some thousand scenarios or more, but many are just differing in details, so I thought, just simplify it to three main branches).

The problem and luck with the chosen scenario was, that it was open. I wasn’t able to fully calculate the result because the factors would constantly change because of the freedom (after quitting the job, what I did).

And luckily I had the chance to do this, while it was less a chance or choice, more a “this is my last decision before I completely loose my mind” kind of situation.

Reality was just an option at this point. While for you the word “reality” might mean, that everyone interprets it a little different, for me it was possible that it all was just a product of my mind. Not meaning, that my mind interprets it in a certain way, but that it creates it.

Logically thinking about it, of course tells me, that this should be impossible, but tell this a stupid, highly intelligent person.

My mind takes “Nothing is impossible.” literally because everything was better than me (what is wrong, but my mind got into thinking this out of all the negative experiences). So out of a negative mood, all negative ideas were possible. When I think, that all I see, hear and experiences is just a creation of my mind, while I might be in coma -> my mind said: Approved and granted! (meaning, it was normal or totally legit, knowing that would I tell this to someone, that they would call me crazy)

Too much thinking is not good and the dilemma in my case was, that whenever I got into less thinking or just good thinking, I got dragged out of it again (mother tired from work, father generally crazy, school, work, people who don’t understand). This only got me into even deeper thinking. It got me into all kinds of explanations for my situation, also justifications or just “death wish” scenario planning.

All kinds of weird stuff.

As I once said and wrote: I experienced, thought and felt like any kind of criminal, crazy one and whatever evil or broken people are out there. I know it all, I did many weird things. At least for me it was. Luckily I could stop myself from doing bad things.

But I mean, my mind sometimes is like:

_ What are people writing books about criminals, or ask questions about “why do they do what they do?” (e.g. serial killers) when everyone knows why, but only a few do it?

_Most people probably just don’t talk about it because they know it is pointless.

_Some write books about it because they want to find people like me who are not able to stay in their line

_I am the problem, I have to die.

_If I don’t die, others will die because of me.

_(endless sense-making out of wrong assumption caused by trauma, negative and toxic environments and responses)

Sorry for all of this. For me writing posts usually seems like: “I did something like this before, many of the things I write were already written in previous posts. I am just harming people with my problems, but I have to write it down in order to process.”

And then I get a like or a nice comment and I feel better.

Weird things are going on in my mind.

Original topic again successfully forgotten. Yesssss. (Oh boy…) 😀

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