All done, all thought

When all the words had meaning,
all the things already done,
from playing games to great spring cleaning,
it seems the interest ‘s all gone.

Thinking through is not living through,
but at some point it feels like the same.

So if the same feeling was usually pain,
why not just laugh as if you lost your mind,
but first wait – and let it rain,
isn’t it then to stay because it is kind?

The actual point in living is up to you,
so when you can’t do what you want,
at least try to laugh about what you do,
especially when it seems irrelevant!

Relevant things usually were irrelevant,
until people started to understand the value.

Is a plane without a cockpit okay?
No, because a pilot needs to be in front.
Why is it important to plant things before May?
In winter it’s cold, so you can’t and you don’t.

Questions with answers to laugh about soon.
Like – what are stars, how close is the moon?
To early is a problem, if you can’t trust yourself,
Seems your thoughts are just like fiction – your favorite shelf.

The less important, the less relevant,
could soon be dead and then forgotten,
could some day be all what they want,
while the flesh and bones are already rotten.

Therefor laugh and try the funny side,
isn’t it better, isn’t it worth a ride?
Others give you pain and sorrow,
So give them laughter, maybe tomorrow.


Alles gemacht, alles gedacht

Als alle Worte eine Bedeutung hatten,
alles Dinge schon getan waren,
vom Spiele Spielen bis hin zum großen Frühjahrsputz,
es scheint das Interesse is’ ganz verschwunden.

Durchdenken ist nicht durchleben,
aber an einem Punkt fühlt es sich wie dasselbe an.

Also wenn dasselbe Gefühl meist Schmerz gewesen ist,
warum nicht einfach lachen als hättest du den Verstand verloren,
aber warte erst – und lass es regnen,
sollte man denn dann nicht bleiben, weil es nett ist?

Der eigentliche Sinn im Leben liegt bei dir,
wenn du also nicht tun kannst was du willst,
lach wenigstens über das was du machst,
vor allem wenn es überflüssig erscheint!

Relevante Dinge waren meist überflüssig,
bis Leute angefangen haben deren Wert zu verstehen.

Ist ein Flugzeug ohne Cockpit in Ordnung?
Nein, denn vorne muss ein Pilot sein.
Warum ist es wichtig Dinge vor dem Mai zu pflanzen?
Im Winter is es kalt, da kannst und machst du es nicht.

Fragen mit Antworten über die man bald lachen kann.
Wie – was sind Sterne, wie nah ist der Mond?
Zu früh ist ein Problem, wenn du dir selbst nicht trauen kannst,
Scheint als wären deine Gedanken nichts als Fiktion – dein Lieblingsregal.

Umso unwichtiger, um so weniger relevant,
könnte bald tot und vergessen sein,
könnte eines Tages alles sein was sie wollen,
während das Fleisch und die Knochen schon verrottet sind.

Deshalb lache und versuche die lustige Seite,
ist sie nicht besser, es nicht einen Versuch wert?
Andere geben dir Schmerz und Sorgen,
Also gib ihnen Gelächter, vielleicht (schon) morgen.

Is it a poem? Is it even literature? Is this word or thought?

Not sure, not sure. But it is out and it is loud.


  1. “Therefor laugh and try the funny side,
    isn’t it better, isn’t it worth a ride?
    Others give you pain and sorrow,
    So give them laughter, maybe tomorrow.” I truly loved this part~ 👏💕

    Liked by 1 person

      • I can say that what helped me wasn’t someone else but myself, for me close people will only hurt even when they try to help they hurt simply bcs they dnt know what one exactly is going through that’s why i always dealt with stuff either inside my head or by writing and only told close people (like a best friend) once it ends bcs then whatever she says is simply just a comment and nothing less …

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t even talked with close people about a lot of things for reasons. At some points I denied myself to write because I felt better this way… I really wanted to end me before all this and even sometimes still. But I know there was no other way, like as you said, only I could really help myself out of it. And for that I have to remind myself that I have a plan, a goal and that I am not a problem.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Like i usually tell them only i already finished dealing with it, i guess that’s part of being close like they deserve an update on their friend’s life but sometimes i can’t help to feel that my mere existence is meaningless, what i’m going through, my relationships … everything, and so i’m not a big deal that deserves the care or wasting someone’s time lol and they don’t need an update like for what use!? 👀 feels like an endless journey …

            Liked by 1 person

            • I totally get that and I also got to know a few people last year who feel similar. Sometimes I just want to know how some of them are doing, whether they are alright, still alive and such things. You are not wasting my time. No one really wastes my time, I personally just waste my time quite often :/ but I see it not like waste because I always get something out of things. You would only actually waste my time if you would say things like: “Why don’t you watch football games and have a list with all football teams, their ranks and players?!?!?!” or such things. 😀 But I have the talent to even make these people talk about other things sometimes. You should know that I have a lot of abilities, while I don’t even understand some of them myself. I just know that I can make people do things for me or convince them of things. And I don’t really want it because I also used it against myself (weird and maybe hard to understand), but I made people do things which I didn’t like, so I could hate myself. At least at some points. I am a very complex and dangerous collection of thoughts and feelings.
              I discovered “Alice in Wonderland” on a whole new level… 😀 😔

              So if someone (could) be negative, it is me, clearly me. And only nature gave me the missing puzzle piece I lost at some point. A lot of other people who are sensitive also found peace there and felt not alone, while sometimes maybe still being alone in a way. And I actually try to make nature a thing people want. Because when you are surrounded by all these plants you feels way different. At least when I was there alone and worked through a lot of held back emotions and pain, until I was even able to feel again. For many years I was just numb. When you have some forest nearby it can really change your whole mind over time. But it might be different for others. Once I encountered some animals and they didn’t even notice me because I was so “one” with the whole environment, while usually they would run away even way before you could reach them.

              I also feel like wasting time or wasting people’s time. But then there actually is no point in thinking much about time. At least when you look how nature does it and think in a way in which you might just need to worry about something to eat and drink and the rest of the time you could enjoy yourself and your surrounding. At least that should be the case when you ask me. The in wouldn’t be an odyssey or something, but actually more like: “Each day is a new day to do something fun or maybe experience something new.” (besides possible natural catastrophes or weather changes and such things. I tried to think like an animal, but with the knowledge and abilities of a human (or whatever I am). I also usually don’t give life updates and such things, I just started to it or something like it because of all the things happening with me and around me. Because some people who “know” me for years or since my childhood often don’t even know what I did after school time together. Even people I once was close with. In my case there was a lot of depression, pessimism and such things involved as well. So I lost the point and thought: “it doesn’t matter anyway, hopefully I will die soon.” (or something like that. I sometimes fall back to this thinking, especially when there is a lot of stress or my father did something negative again. But I have a goal now, so for me it isn’t endless in that sense. Although on the other hand, once we would reach this goal we might be able to live happy together. (sure maybe not always happy, but not like: I don’t want to live in this world anymore)

              Liked by 1 person

              • The 1st paragraph reminded of when i go back to look for people from yrs ago just to check up on them lol there is totally no point but i dnt know, it just maybe satisfies that bit of care i still have for them … (but sometimes i do wonder why do they never?! 😶)

                And I totally agree with you on not sharing details with people bcs my friendship with two besties broke away for stupid reasons and it’s not like i regret the time i spent with them but i sometimes do, like what’s the point of sharing all of those details and then break up for so stupid reasons?

                I do want to have a friend or two whom will stay forever being super close together but then i can only control my own mind and not theirs and so that sounds far fetched to me for now, the amount of closeness i want just seems outlandish maybe lol

                Liked by 1 person

                • These closeness you want shouldn’t be impossible, shouldn’t be outlandish. 😀
                  And I know it isn’t.
                  People go everywhere in the search for answers and the love or life which will make them feel better. They usually oversee those who would give them all that because they think there could be something “better”.
                  People often search for a perfect thing, while they don’t even know what it means.
                  You know that you got this body and you control it and live your life with it, but many think it is all about the body or whatever.

                  I personally broke contact with most of my former friends or people I spent time with. And I always felt bad for it, but I couldn’t tell them what I felt for them and how I wished I could have spent all my time with them.
                  And then everything was just too much for me (my life in a nut shell). :/ 😀

                  I have met so many people here and elsewhere. And although I can never be completely sure about who they really are, I usually feel something about them. And I personally would wish to be somewhat close with everyone, at least all of these people of which I would see some of them as my friends.

                  I don’t leave people for stupid things, once they really open themselves. I usually leave or left because I couldn’t handle myself.

                  The worst part is, that I also sometimes think about my old friends, sometimes even walk past their former homes and then I am sad.

                  And most of them are trapped in this hypnotic world of illusions and dependencies, what people made out of it, or whoever. They don’t even see how wonderful the simplest things can be and how magical and powerful.

                  I sometimes think that people I left might think that I don’t like or love them or did it because I had a problem with them. In some cases it might have been, but not to a point where I would have pushed them away.

                  My suicidal thoughts made me break up with them and the things I knew, but they didn’t or couldn’t understand (at that point).

                  It seemed better for me to die alone and don’t drag anyone into it.

                  I always dreamed about friendship with people to go through everything and especially be able to think, share or talk about things which are scary, terrifying or just draining like a black hole. Not to get sucked in by it, but actually to help each other out of it. I somehow was always able to fight my way out of it on my own, when I wanted, but I also wanted everyone else to be able to and see things I have seen.

                  And I know I have hurt a lot of others, when I tried to deal with the darkness out there, but obviously couldn’t and then ran away.

                  For me it is that I think with such close friendship as you wish for, everything would be possible. And it is a good thing, but it is difficult for me personally when everyone is so far away. Either mentally (mindset) or physically.

                  And I even thought about a group of people helping each other out, each with their personal strengths and abilities.

                  I just can’t split myself in half or into a million pieces to be there for everyone at the same time, while they only feel understood with me.
                  And sometimes I can be cold, as if I don’t care at all. But I am not, I just sometimes have to shutdown to not let myself get torn apart.
                  I always wished to have friends like you, but I am also too afraid sometimes to talk with people. I can write here and do all kinds of things, but once I am with others, I am usually as if I am not even there. Because although I can accept a lot, I often fear that they wouldn’t want to hear or or see anything I have to say. It usually was this way and happened a lot to me, that I was either laughed about, misunderstood, not listened to and so on. So I decided that it might be outlandish to wish for people to actually listen to me and understand me or at least take me as I am and not as they want me to be (e.g. a hard working successful guy).

                  Only with friends with the amount of closeness you wish you can conquer a castle, find a way out of mazes and survive.

                  (I forgot what I started with… sorry.. heh… I forget a lot of things from time to time. But I hopefully always remember at some point.)

                  Thank you that you are here together so many amazing people I have also found! I mean, I can never be completely sure until I met someone in person, but I know that you shouldn’t doubt what you wish for about friendship. I just have a hard time with keeping in touch with people online, because it takes a long time for me to write sometimes. But friendships who will last forever shouldn’t be about such little problems like the speed of someone’s words or the way they might sometimes act because of things which happened to them.

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Nah all the people i considered close functioned exactly the same way that i thought i was the problem or again the weird one, something is wrong for sure lol

                  About the suicidal thoughts and stuff it’s in these cases i wish people simply gave a hug or hold your hand or bring you sth you love be that chocolate or sth instead of speaking bcs the state of mind while on dark thoughts won’t respond well to anything positive someone says so silence is better in those cases, i wish people did that, that’s why on that privious comment i offered to hug was because i felt i shouldn’t say just anything bcs it might make it worse especially i dnt know exactly what you went through or how you feel even if i live in the same area i would think the same bcs i can’t just talk bcs i didn’t walk in your shoes so it will be rude from my side to comment on sth i dnt fully understand …

                  I had episodes when i thought i shouldn’t tell ppl abt my stuff esp as soon as it happens bcs it’s super intense then, me telling them doesn’t help me and i feel they dnt want to listen to crap that would waste their time or mybe they regret responding to me first time and i fear the voice inside them will go like “oooof i was having a good day until she showed up”, “what am I getting from this crap?! I have my own to deal with” … well, stuff like this … so i stopped and only told them quite later with so many info and details dropped out …

                  Thank you for being you and battling those negative thoughts and still fighting! Stay strong for yourself and people who love you! 💕
                  (Someone can’t say loudly they want to become friends but it comes with time and such, but i hope you don’t disappear..)

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I try not to disappear, meaning, I hope I will find a way to feel safe not just for some moments or days. I didn’t talk about most of it at all, basically: “No, no, it’s fine.” (screaming inside)

                  Especially when people said things like: “But you shouldn’t think such things.”
                  And then I just lost it sometimes.
                  I am someone who wants to hear about everything which people usually don’t want to talk about. Either willingly or without knowing. Hyper sensitive people especially notice a lot of things and have way deeper thoughts, emotions and feelings (at times), but also often tend to hide it away from others so they wouldn’t get hurt even more.

                  But then they end up speaking not at all and at worst isolate themselves forever.

                  I can be really mean or evil sometimes, but I only want to use these sides of me in order to understand evil or how some people might not be able to get along with this side in a peaceful way. I think the more people know or feel, the harder it can get for them to not have self-doubt, self-hate and all kinds of problems.

                  It isn’t helpful when then some people call them crazy or dumb and such things or make them feel like problems or even call them that.

                  There is often this negative group clash thing, someone in the group plays the alpha animal and makes the others follow for whatever pointless reason. And then people like us get somehow in their way and then we are their victims (when we don’t know how to avoid them). I think only sensitive people, free thinkers and those who are outsiders get along almost immediately. Probably because they have all been alone for some time and also questioned things on their own or just felt lost.

                  I usually get along with people who no one wants to be with, especially because I felt like that myself (with the difference that everyone wants to be with me, but not all of them want to be when I open up).

                  Something like: “Look, there is a nice little fluffy kitten. Can we pet it?” And then the cat becomes a tiger and yells at them and they all run away.

                  Or something like that. 😀
                  Now that I think about it, it actually is kinda funny, but living it is not really like that.
                  It felt more like as if as soon as I would open my mouth people would run and scream: “KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! AAAAAAAAAHH” And I would be just standing there: “What have I done wrong now…”

                  And about the “become friends” part over time, that is true. But a lot of people aren’t really honest, or just stay quiet about things. Either because they are afraid or they actually want something else. I was also often afraid about myself, so that was that, but some people might have other reasons. There even is a saying that when there are five friends only one is honest.

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I loved the fluffy kitten analogy for the love i have for kittens but that aside, you are talking as if you did sth super awful like just open up and those who will accept you will just do no matter what and those who will not are just like that, it’s super natural not to get along with some …

                  I was alwayas thought of as someone eccentric and it was bad since I valued others’ opinion (i dnt do anymore and finally happy i could break off that hell)

                  Some years back those comments made me paranoic and i was called that and a bit after i always jumped to dark thoughts or assumptions even before knowing people’s real intention and that was toxic, i lost trust yes and i feel i ll always do but once i started discarding people’s comments abt me my paranoic thoughts refrained a bit …

                  The friendship part, well, i can’t control your thoughts but you are free …

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Well, let’s just say my paranoia was on such a level last year that I basically was just in my bed falling and everything seemed as if it wants to kill me. But it is not easy, since parts of the paranoia were actually making sense at times. It highly depends on the people you are dealing with and also with what they might be dealing with.

                  For example one time when my mother was in a religious cult, the first time she saw the guy leading it, she had a bad feeling. But since everyone else around her seemed to be fine and this guy was talking all nice and stuff, she told herself that she must be wrong. Then some time later she got really depressed and stuff and also thought about killing herself. And when this guy found out, he told her that she should do it somewhere else, to not shine a wrong light on his cult (with other words, but it meant that). Some of the people are still following him or some others who were part of it. And some got away as well at some points. It was more of a psychological trap thing and luckily not as bad as some cults, but this guy basically had a good life while making others work for him and give him money…

                  So in my case, I also have this ability, but I want to use it to make an end to such things. And I totally get that you have problems to trust people. I sometimes even don’t trust myself, as weird as it might seem.

                  But I luckily found some people I could trust because they were going through similar things, thoughts, experiences. They helped me in the past, although I didn’t have contact with them personally. Like when you read a book, watch a movie or someone playing a video game about some things.

                  Or as one of my cousins mentioned recently: “Luckily I am system relevant.” because he is bringing packages (when people order things). He was more like me and was the one who helped me get comfortable with technology, since no one else would have at that time. He could have been a teacher, lab professor, historian or a lot of other things, but ended up without anything, just carrying packages. For me it was similar, only that I didn’t even try because I knew it wasn’t worth it.

                  If people really would have wanted some free thinkers, my cousin wouldn’t be in this situation. Or another cousin regrets that he ignored himself most of the time and would do other things, but fears that things might break down for him. And his sisters and brother also have their experiences.

                  All great people in my eyes, but all (more or less) unwanted or used by others.

                  This is why I wanted them to work together, since I could help them with what I can and they all have their strengths as well, it would only make sense. But this happens in our world… good people (people I consider good) get broken, lost and feel weird, while some others might feel important or just have fun abusing their power or whatever. And the rest is just following orders or does whatever one does. :/

                  Well, if people like you would control my thoughts or be able to, I would probably feel safer, no joke. Because then I wouldn’t feel so alone with this mess. 🙂

                  When I was little I sometimes talked with older people because they weren’t as boring as others and I felt that I could relate with them more than with people my age back then.
                  I made a lot of noises and all kinds of things, like jumping around, doing some kind of sports moves in the house and even a little of self-taught martial-arts (although maybe primitive, effective). But since my father always wanted me to be quiet and behave, well in school you were meant to be quiet as well usually, so I just suppressed all these feelings, thoughts, things and ended up like a robot. (The movie: “Robots” (Ice Age creators) made sense at some point)

                  So all that broke me bit by bit and not only me.
                  I mean the people don’t even get that it makes no sense to drive to a job they hate, only to drive home again where they don’t feel good either.

                  So I was very annoying when I was little and parts of it survived or might come out again here and there. One time even my otherwise very kind grandfather hit me on my head because I was running around singing and blabbering some things (basically playing with myself).

                  At some point I just decided to be quiet or even play as if I am sleeping and just listened to what others were talking with each other and such things.

                  So it might just seem that I am “reserved”, quiet and shy or whatever, when some people see me or think they know me. I was quite the opposite, until all of THAT happened (all the never-ending shit and horror).

                  So it is great you are here and the way you are.
                  Don’t let people make you feel that you are a problem. My father even called me that sometimes when I was little. And although I knew it was wrong, it didn’t help obviously.

                  I also figured out that people who were considered sick or weird by others, were usually actually asking important questions or just saw and understood things they didn’t or didn’t want to know about.

                  For me it is easier to trust potential enemies, since I would know that they could either become my friends or at least are honest, than people who run around and say: “For everything there is a solution.” (okay, maybe ironic, but I hope you know what I mean.)
                  People want fast solutions and often don’t want to be with people who are different from themselves or what is considered as normal.

                  When I don’t trust people, then it usually is not for the reasons others might not trust people. Because of all the things I know, the people I can’t trust, might not even know about themselves.

                  This is why it is so important for me to have people right next to me, in person. Because only then I can be sure about whether I can trust them or not and what they might know.
                  Because behind technology a lot of people can hide. And that’s why I had to decide at some point, that I put “all-in” as people in poker or such things might say.

                  And I had no other choice than that, when I wanted to live, truly live, I had to sacrifice myself (in a way).

                  It isn’t something you should “just” do. It really isn’t and it wasn’t fun, enjoyable or anything someone wants to experience. But in my case I only had this option, otherwise I would have died anyway.

                  In other words. Should I see you one day, meet you in person, wherever that might be or whenever, I would also love to see you, even if you would hide a knife behind your back (or something). Which doesn’t mean that I would want that, but I have this kind of love or trust in people who must have gone through similar things like I did. And I could accept it when they would threaten me, as long as they would do it in person.

                  I really have a hard time with trusting people who are just virtual. But in my case trust became something different over time.
                  And I have a connection to people I have never even met and some of them I might not even know at all. So when I see someone in person, I can sense things, when I am somewhat stable.

                  And to get back to cats (yes, basically a 180° turn 😀 ) my cat really loves me, she sometimes licks my eyebrows or hair and a few times even my socks, but I think then she also didn’t want anymore from their taste. She even fought with foxes I think and I don’t know what people did to her or where she was before, but she is afraid from a lot of things as well, but she wanted to be with me from the first day on.

                  Even cats I have never seen before just randomly came to me and sat down next to me or even fell asleep on my lap, when I sat down.
                  I can trust cats (or maybe some other animals) more than most humans. And it seems that the cats have a similar trust.

                  In general, people easily trust me and animals as well, at least when I don’t surprise them in the middle of the night out in the forest (which I do sometimes and feel bad for scaring them :/ ).

                  Liked by 1 person

                • What really added to my stress is that i know i’m paranoid not bcs i’m someone big or famous or sth i’m a simple human being but to hear you are paranoic from someone close then that just pissed me off like you guys (i mean them) are the cause! Today hugging me the next slapping me (figuratively) … but i dnt care if i someone calls me that again because i know i didn’t become one for no reason…

                  I totally agree with the example of “system relevant” like i gave up pursuing working for someone/ company whatever bcs whenever i knocked a door i’m welcomed with loads of qualities i need that are not even needed for the job and it’s also popular that some others got in without all that just bcs let’s tuck it in the word “lucky”, they are unaware that they ruining the society … but i dnt care nor does it have a big impact other than i realized as you said that free thinkers are unwanted …

                  I’m not that older than you like maybe (3 yrs) but i see that i communicate well with younger friends than ones my age or older lol

                  I was always supposed to behave well since i’m the eldest one of my brothers and so behaving my age or being childish just was oppressed pretty early on but maybe 2 yrs ago i felt i was actually tired of being the eldest like i didn’t enjoy my childhood bcs i was supposed to behave a certain way and that position was tiring and i felt my age was alot more than my actual age and i realised i was oppressed is when i wanted to be childish but had to stop myself like i want to be crazy and do stuff i want but i’m not allowed to so my life was super boring to me and for the fear my parents would comment i just became someone else but the 25 yrs old me now just doesn’t care! But that was yrs of struggle but it started with little steps and learning not to care when they comment now that i’m old or crazy or maybe i lost it and people my age are married and have children and bla bla bla bla, not supposed to sing or jump or do some weird moves but i’m like you people are just contrasting your ownselves lol

                  Just be you as well! (This is not another “for every problem there is a solution” believe me! But sth i quite understand now) We may have many John-s but you are one John One unique John that has stuff different from others so don’t hide away! We want to have you here happy and shining proudly like a star!!

                  I do agree on the virtual stuff and i’m super anxious since sth happened to me a few months ago so i have this fear generally ….

                  Well, I never even watched a horror movie let alone carry a knife behind my back lol
                  Even if you hurt me i ll respond peacefully at worse i ll quitely leave, bcs there might be a problem somewhere on the other side and i never want to drag my fingers on a wound …

                  I wanted to have a cat but mom refuses as she fears i might love it so much that i would become miserable if sth happens to her bcs she went through an experience, she had a cat and one day a Car just hit it, she didn’t see it but that’s apparantly what happened since she found it in the street … so she was depressed and cried for days that’s why she is like i know what kind of person you are but i will surely have one when i’m fully financially ready bcs i dnt want to bring a fluffy smoll creature to a messy life lol…

                  I would wonder what a young guy is doing in a forest in the middle of the night but i know some people do have some weird hobbies like an uncle of mine who enjoyed fishing when everyone went their way lol i too do have some as well …

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Sorry, I am just exhausted at the moment. Today was too much negative things happening. And I just heard some fighter jets flying by again doing their stupid training or whatever. Besides that my mother wants to eat something with me.

                  I will maybe answer properly later.
                  But it has nothing to do with you. ❤

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Well, i hope you enjoyed reading my replies and they weren’t a burden in any way! I think it’s to you i mentioned that i dnt like reading nor writing long stuff but look at me now writing all these replies (sounds like an achievement lol) but what i want to say it’s bcs how much i enjoyed talking to you and felt safer to just bomb drop stuff i haven’t talked abt in yrs~ Thank you and thank you again and again and AGAIN~ 🙈 have a sweet night and you dnt really need to reply with the same lenght esp if you aren’t feeling like it! It’s perfectly okay with me although i enjoyed everything you shared so far~ 💕

                  Liked by 1 person

                • And in case you wouldn’t want to read that much anymore, I can stop writing for a while. 🙂
                  I am glad it seems to be good for you to write and read these long texts. But don’t overdue it, if you can’t read and don’t want to, then you also don’t have to. ❤

                  Liked by 1 person

                • No it’s completely okay! Just i dnt want you to understand sth maybe i didn’t mean like i may reply with shorter stuff sometimes than you wrote and that maybe bcs i dnt have more to add or a similar experience to share so i dnt want you to feel bad in anyway …

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Now I am back, but I guess just to write one last time for today because of how I felt. My mother and I are feeling a little better now, but I shouldn’t overdue it. My belly still hurts from the pressure and anxiety (or whatever it is called), I just know it is bad.

                  The part with the knife, just forget it, it is just that some people are afraid of their dark side (or something) and then think they have to hide it. I also went through a lot of stuff psychologically and also some other things. Like the: “You should be lucky to be alive.” kind of things, while I clearly wasn’t.

                  When I was little I had one male cat and he was very special, sometimes even tried to form words and wasn’t just a basic cat. And well, yes, he got hit by a car, but at that point I couldn’t even cry. It was just like: “Well, that happened… it sucks… like everything else.”
                  Only years later I had a few moments when I could cry. And some other cats in the neighborhood or half-wild cats were also killed that way. :/ And when I finally got one cat again, although the cat wanted to be with me and originally was from a farmer who had many cats to keep things free from mice or such, just not long after he also got hit by a car. Even near the same place. I just had no reaction on that, because I was already dead inside. It was too horrible for me, to not get it wrong, so I just had no relation to it. And with the cat I have now it would be way different, although I would have wanted all the others back as well, but she is just such a fighter and even defended herself against some foxes which sometimes come near the houses.
                  And she is so kind and can take a lot, if something bad would happen to hear, it would probably give me the rest. I mean, I would survive it, I guess, but it would be a loss I wouldn’t want to have. It would be something else, if she would maybe die one day because of something else, in a more peaceful way, like a heart attack or something in her sleep. Then at least it would be less horrible for me. She gave me some hope as well, especially that she wanted to be with me no matter what. Even when I was even weirding myself out. Sometimes even walked with me outside to protect me, it seemed. I just wish I wouldn’t be such a mess and the place where I live wouldn’t be as depressing (although there are sadly way worse places and way way worse situations. 😦 )

                  About walking through the night. I started doing this last year after I was about to end my life and just something dragged me towards the forest in a good way. At first I was scared and didn’t know what was happening (well as if that wouldn’t usually be this way 😅). But after some times I got more and more comfortable with it and then I even felt better in the forest than at home. Peaceful, free and wholesome in a way. I sometimes even slept there for one night on one of the benches next to some path. Or also was lying down on one of the paths or roads and just watched the stars or listened to some animals and the wind and such things. Sometimes even with my cat, although that was usually next to the house, since she probably doesn’t go near the forest at night. Since she isn’t a 1.9 m human who scares other animals way (at least those who usually live here at the moment.)

                  I even came up with one of the stories I wrote here through one of these nights sleeping and walking there. It is basically my way to feel good and safe.

                  For you this might sound paradox, like: “dark forest at night is safe?!” But I am usually more afraid of people or cars and such things and technology in general (although I know a lot about it and use it a lot – another paradox). Not because I don’t like people, I actually like to be with people, but not when they just ask me things like you mentioned as well: “When do you get married?” or “What kind of job do you do?” and I just don’t know what to tell them and would actually like to talk about things like nature or what kinds of things people can do to help each other and nature as well. Or things no one talks about.

                  Walking through the village / town I live in at night is actually sometimes nerve-wrecking. Feels like some ghost town sometimes or out of a horror movie (for me at least). But the forest (which would be horror for most other people) was actually the opposite. Sure dangerous in a way, when you don’t pay attention to your surroundings, like noises and movement, but at least not a place where a car could hit me or destroy my mood. I even encountered some foxes, wild boars and other animals this way, which all weren’t far away from me. Sadly they either warned me to not come closer (or maybe warned their mates) or just ran away. But usually not much good comes from humans for them, so I know why. Sometimes I also watched some squirrels climbing trees or birds singing and flying around when it was in the early morning light.

                  When I was little I also was a lot in the forest and did things on my own. I also had a phase in which I ran around naked in the forest and did weird things. But what to expect from a child which doesn’t really feel safe anywhere nor trusts people nor himself, with a lot of bottled up emotions, confusing feelings and depression in the family.

                  So when I now in the forest at night, I usually try to calm myself down, connect myself with nature and maybe get some fresh ideas and escape all the negative things from home.

                  If it would be allowed and possible, I would probably just live there. But I don’t want to eat away the animals their last berries or what there might be to eat. It sadly just isn’t really possible (anymore) because of all the streets, paths and things people made and built, so you can’t walk a few kilometers / miles in my country without hitting the next village or town. Unlike some areas like in Russia where you sometimes might walk an hour or even days to get to the next one. At least from the Russia my mother used to know (the region / land not politics or such because it was pretty strict and closed at times.)

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Ah so the knife thing was meant for my trust! Like if i have to meet you with my trust issues … I didn’t think that far :/

                  You have a story with cats! I really bear loosing a cat or a human like anything i got used to/ or spent a long time with me even a pen, a mug, a bag … whatsoever, the stupidest things to others happen in my life lol so if my brother asks to borrow a pen i keep talking all the while he has it like “take care of it”, “i hear a sound!, did you break it”, “if you break it imma break your leg” lol (not likely i ll do that) but i’m weird when it comes to my belongings, whatever they are w👀

                  Like i dnt yet have a cat but i’m warning them that they shouldn’t lay their hands on it unless i allow it! Lol

                  Like for a girl likely she will not comeback home if she goes to a forest at night, that’s quite dangerous!, it’s dangerous even in daylight let alone the night~ men even worry abt themselves and dad tells stories of how worried he was when he had to just drive through this forest at night to reach his destination (he was a truck driver at that time).

                  I wish it was that peaceful for girls but it’s not! Like even if i’m busy and night fell like 8pm( let’s say esp during winter when 8pm sounds like 1am )and me yet outside i will have to have dad or one of my brothers come get me …

                  A few days ago i had to go to a small city like 30km away and it’s popular for it’s nature, when i cameback I had this talk with mom like “there so many villas inside the trees and i wish i could have a big house somewhere when no one is around” and she went like “so you want to to be killed without anyone hearing abt it!! that’s what it sounds like to me” lol it’s like throwing yourself right into problems lol

                  Is your mom Russian? (Sorry but that last part confused me) yeah here too is becoming like that a town a few km away like it’s slowly going to become a monster city … :/

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Yes, it is dangerous to be outside at night, esp for girls. But just a year prior I was even afraid sometimes when there was no light in my room when I was going to sleep because I was scared all the time. And now I embrace it sometimes even, but it isn’t that I only like darkness or dark things now, for me it just was important to face this for myself and maybe others. And would I be somewhere calm and nice, with people who aren’t all so broke or reserved and that or brainwashed by the cities, I would enjoy daylight way more, obviously.

                  For me living completely on my own wouldn’t be a great thing, but like with a small group of people it might be different. Then it also wouldn’t be that likely to get killed, even in the middle of nowhere, since someone could maybe watch over the others or such things. But it depends on what you might want to risk or are able to. That said, when you don’t know how to defend yourself, it is of course not a good idea. But when you do or have someone who can, then it might sometimes actually be worth it. So yes, better not taking risk you can’t handle at the moment and without a point to do so.

                  (And by the way, since you mentioned it, you are no way burdening or annoying me or anything. It’s quite the opposite, since I do enjoy to have deep or open conversations with people, as long as they really are open and don’t always try to put me back into a box or mindset, when I mention one thing they don’t like to hear or think about.)

                  I also had times when I was worrying about my things and I still sometimes do, only that it might be more about things I made and don’t know whether they were good or helpful for others and then I worry.

                  And my mother isn’t Russian, but was born there. It’s a bit complicated, but her ancestors are mainly from around Germany and some other European regions, but at some points they went to Russia because of wars and other things. So she can speak Russian knows some words in other languages from former USSR regions, but speaks german as if she has always lived here.

                  And about the part with worrying about things which belong to you, in my case it was because of how I felt that I was doing everything wrong or wasn’t allowed to have things just for myself without anyone interfering or wanting something from me. So I developed this fear/anxiety that something goes wrong and all that, because I got told such things or experienced it this way. Like when no one says a word, but you can figure out from their looks and behavior that they hated what you did or are angry and such things. (I sometimes use “you” to speak in general for everyone, like in this case). So maybe in your case that could have to do with such things, like what you got treated like or told from your parents, siblings or others.

                  By the way, I have no siblings, which was even worse for my sanity, but sometimes also great, so I only had to look after myself (more or less). Sadly I became actually more childish the older I got because of the pointlessness everything around me seemed to have, so I just wanted to forget everything and play games or watch movies and dwell in stories.

                  Liked by 1 person

                • I dnt want to live alone but when it gets bad here with my brothers (i’m the only girl) i just wish to have my own place to run to lol
                  But i dnt know if i can do it bcs mom then will be left alone bcs as you may know, moms and daughters have a special bond esp if the daughter exists but in your case you must be great friends since she only has you …

                  Your mom must be so beautiful since she comes from that part where they have really good genes 🙈

                  Well i hate it when someone gives me sth and expects a return and i experienced that many times that i also developed a fear that i can’t accept anything from anyone as small as a candy bcs some are just super greedy like they expect stuff from you almost immediately so i feel that nothing is free but in my case when i give i dnt want ppl to feel i need sth from them or i’m giving them and waiting for sth maybe now maybe later i just hate that and even when they try to help or do sth i just stop them …

                  I’m also becoming more childish lol and my teenage brothers be like “OMG you are 25 y.o!!” Then i respond “IF i’m 25 then WHAT!?”

                  I’m actually enjoying it like life was super boring Man!! 🤦‍♀️

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Yes, my mother and I had a very special connection, which is why I might be more like a girl/woman in many ways or just different, but (for me) in a good way about these parts.

                  About “good genes” I was just like “Yes, she has good genes, but no, it wasn’t because of where she was born / lived”. lol And it sounded very weird in my context, like “good genes master race” xD (oh boy…) If my mother wouldn’t have gotten so unsure about herself and started to eat a lot because of frustration, depression and such things, she would look very beautiful, I guess, and I hope once we might spend more time together doing things we both like or once liked (before the mess), she might get there again. But I love her no matter how she looks like, sadly we sometimes had our differences and also a lot of things went wrong between me and my mother because of external events and such stupid things… :/ But no matter what, I was always happy to have her in the end and she to have me. Only that she often gives herself the fault for my misery and I for hers. But I know better now (which is both good and bad, as you know).

                  And I agree on the thing about helping others. I feel bad when they want to give something back. Then I feel very awkward and sometimes even horrible, since I then compare it with what I did and feel even worse often (deadly thoughts and spirals). I am happy when they are happy, that’s all the “return” I need. 😀

                  Liked by 1 person

                • Mothers maybe don’t say it but they feel lonelier when things don’t go well with their offsprings or spouse, it just consumes them and hits them quite deep that’s why either get sick alot more frequently or … i hope you understand me and i hope things get better for her and you as well 💗

                  Liked by 1 person

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