Meta, scary, interesting

I waited some time to watch this one and man… it really scared me.

I am sitting here and I am feeling the fear again, this big hole of darkness. But in a way it was interesting and pretty “meta” you could say. Because this interview was all about these “normal” things, which are pretty paradox.

And then also this “what is the point of it all, but let’s do it anyways”.

The question about love towards a single person is indeed a very critical and fragile thing. But when I look back on Jesus story and about he was all about the love towards the people around you, I thought, that actually is the important love. Because you will always (at least as it was until now) loose people. But if you know that the time you had with them was worth it for you and them, then there is way less pain involved in it. Still it would be something you don’t want to think about, but if you know how it is, then you know how it works.

I think the most terrifying part of loosing people is, that you will never be able to talk with them, see them and hold them in your hands. These things which are important for relationships, but the most important thing is, that everyone (be it a family) in the relationship is happy in a way. Not meaning that you always have to be happy, but that there is a safe haven to go, a space to let the feelings out and people to talk and such.

If you value all people around you (people on the streets, at work, in the bus or train, etc.) you will never be alone. There will always be someone and you will always be someone for someone else.

When I was a kid and one of my grandfathers died, I was there (me being 5 years old) and I thought something like: “Why are they all crying? Isn’t he in a better place now? Isn’t it good to know, that he is finally in heaven?”, I thought, why aren’t they happy that he doesn’t have to feel the pain anymore (he had cancer) and is with all the others up there (where ever “up there” is).

My thoughts might not have been that detailed, but they for sure where going into this direction.

So when my other grandparents died I wasn’t really crying or something, I was more or less emotionless. I simply accepted that they are gone now and in heaven now. So no need to cry.

The only thing which was making me feel bad about the grand father who lived until I just turned 16 (also died because of some sort of cancer), that our relationship was broken in the end because I was so down myself. The day before he died, my mother wanted to visit him in the clinic thingy (where old people who know they will soon die can go). I didn’t feel like it because I was depressed because of school and my life and all the shit I was having on my inner shoulders. I wanted to go the next day. When I woke up, we got a call I think and my mother told me, that my grandfather died during the night.

Man, I think I cried at that point, I felt so guilty and angry about myself.

I couldn’t say goodbye in a good way. My grandfather was always so nice to me and I didn’t really say good bye.

I prayed and said good bye this way, for myself and I told myself, that he will receive it. I don’t know whether that is true or not, but I believed it.

Through all these artists talking and facing their past and feelings, I processed a lot of things. Questioned a lot of things again, which I blocked or avoided many times.

The thing is, that I knew as a kid, what I wanted to do and would do. But because I always wrapped a profession or position around it, it didn’t get noticed and so I suppressed it. Because that is what the question was about “What do you want to be?”, that you have to get a job. So I said things like: “I want to talk in front of people:” (as a 2 year old).

Later I wanted to do things like bus driver or train driver and such things. While what I actually wanted: “Help people and be around people.” I always wanted that and did many times. But in order to really help them, I had to feel what they feel, think what they think and maybe even do or come to point of almost doing things (bad things). As a kid I was too good, so I had to first become almost too bad again, to find that I always was good, but the people around me didn’t really understand it. They sure knew, that I was nice or different. But it was as if there always were worlds between me and the rest of the real world. The world we share.

And I still feel as if there is something like this taking place right now inside my head. So I should really take a break to do something else again.

Because the thing is, that what I wanted, was not much, was nothing too extra ordinary (in my eyes). I just wanted to help people. And because I learned that this wasn’t able for me in my position and through other traumatic events and paradox things, I got into my “I want to be dead as soon as possible” kind of thinking.

I thought, if I can’t help people, only by doing what I hate and not even then because I wouldn’t do it right because of the problems inside me, why not just leave.

I really even lost my original thoughts about helping people because I thought, what if they all don’t want help. So maybe I would waste my life either way. I would do wrong when I would want to help, I would do wrong when I would do what I can’t do. Why do it at all?

Now I found out, that the why was answered by myself or the stories I heard, before I even asked it. For me that why is the love. But not the love towards one person (You are mine “forever” now), but instead for all the people.

It still is hard sometimes, but this is what Jesus “told” me, what I learned from his stories. Therefor I believe in him. In what he did and how he was.

For me the churches and religious things I experienced through out my youth, never really aligned with Jesus. But instead of what I think usually happens, I didn’t refuse to believe in Jesus and God, I simply separated those things. For me it was clear, that Jesus was right because what he did, was not what I saw in the world. Would it had been a story like: “I will help you, but first let me drink my wine.”, well then it would have been all nonsense. But he even was willing to let children come to him, while he was actually taking time to rest. He valued everyone around him, but don’t think he was nice towards everyone. The older ones who were just telling stories or people who used the temple for marketing, he got loud towards them.

But he was kind and open for everyone who wanted to listen, who actually wanted to be different, needed help and was seeking.

Parts of this were also shown in my way of playing online games, despite my broken mindset. When I was playing alone (but still in multiplayer), I for example decided to just craft items for people. Almost everyone in this game (Mount&Blade Warband – Persistent World Module) was either fighting wars or harvesting iron and such things. So I looked whether there was something else to do. I knew from a friend that you could craft and at some point have to craft new items because the was always just a limited amount. So I looked into the crafting, searched for a “quiet” space to craft (without much fighting or robbery nearby) and started to fill up the stockpiles. After some time people needed new times and were happy to find them filled up again, while I earned money by creating the things.

For most of the people this was probably boring and a waste of time, but for me this was pretty nice. I felt important, I felt needed and I also felt good and even got money through this. Sure not real money, but it was still a lot in the game. At least for me.

Sometimes I then would also fight a little for fun and use some of it. Because that was what it was all about, having fun, playing an online role play game and all that.

Sometimes I was a doctor, a craftsman, a merchant, sometimes I was a harvester, sometimes I would run a round and give people money or (when I felt weird and down) ask them to kill me. The last one was actually a bad idea because then the admins or lords thought sometimes that the people tried to rob me, while they honestly answered: “He said, I shall kill me and that is what I did.” (Something you usually not hear in real life.)

I usually didn’t feel a need to fight others, to achieve something specific. In this game I just “was” you could say. I just did all kinds of things which helped other players and I usually felt good about it (despite the blocked feelings inside of me causing weird behavior).

Whenever I started to lead some people, like a clan or something, it would get lame or I would loose interest soon after. So that also wasn’t something I really wanted. I tried it, it felt good for some time, but mostly when I was alone. And that actually isn’t what a leader should be about. I mean, sure, you can’t always feel good, but it is pointless when you can not really lead or have interest in leading. At least in my case it was like this.

I am less a leader, more a supporter or teacher. A leader tells others what to do, but I am more the kind of guy who would tell people what they could achieve or help them achieving that. Or just help them with problems they can’t solve themselves, be it technology problems or when they need someone to talk. But usually the talking was weird for me because I usually felt insecure or unsure about myself. For me it seems that everything which was normal, wasn’t “normal”. Only to realize that I am “normal”, but in an unique way. (And again, I usually refer the word normal as average nowadays.) So a part of me is normal and average, but there are things which aren’t. Mainly those of which I got told were not possible, not good or simply not in my reach, not my path.

And then, what was the path. I was willing to give up on myself to serve the society. I came up with the idea, that I could do a job in the IT branch, as a programmer and such things. But actually that was the already broken and less motivated part of me. Because I knew that this wasn’t what I really wanted. I just didn’t trust anything I originally wanted anymore.

So don’t get this wrong, I love programming or at least like it very much, but my problem is, that I can’t work in conventional work environments. Eventhough they might be a little more modern. And now after my break down, I guess, that I will actually never be able to even think about that any time soon.

I don’t know, but not now.

I didn’t process all this injustice which was part of my life or the people around me. And now that I do, it seems to get only stronger and stronger, this feeling of injustice, of anxiety and a rage which never really came out of me. I usually was a quiet kid, despite my weird behavior sometimes and some incidents when I was destroying some things because the pressure inside of me was too much.

But when I more and more pointed that towards myself, inside myself, it seemed to get better, while I actually just gave up on myself.

Like: “What is the point of rage and getting loud, if there will only be more problems afterwards. Why not just wait for death and maybe have a good laugh in the meantime, or just stare at the screen until something happens.”

When I was playing some games, mainly games around medieval times, with some warfare or building something up, I felt free and safe. Or Minecraft for example, despite the monsters of course. 😀

I always was more the quiet, creative type. I have a big imagination (at least when I feel good or somewhat stable). I guess I have a photographic memory, I can rewind things inside my head (I can visualize myself inside my own head for example watching a video or movie and then rewind this scene in my head, should I want to.) Not always and not with everything, but I have the ability. I can also visualize buildings I was in, like super markets I was in during my life, while some of them don’t even exist anymore for over a decade.

I have all these cool abilites you might think, but all they brought me, was more trouble, more anxiety, more fear and problems.

You might laugh when you read about people thinking they can change reality by thoughts. In my head, that isn’t impossible, which is not good for me. Because this would mean, that I would in my current and past state have had and maybe did cause problems, simply by thinking negatively. And again, you might laugh about it, but it still scares the shit out of me.

Because as a kid I didn’t think much about it. I soon realized what was real and what was imagination. I used it to play or dream and such things and I felt good because I was in control of it. But when I got broken and started to manipulate myself willingly (because I wanted to die so badly), I lost the control over it. So the self-manipulative part would for example imagine horrible faces in front of my inner eye and such things (willingly), while I on the other hand got scared by it and wanted it to stop again. But it didn’t, because the other part of me wanted to do it.

So of course it always stopped at one point, at least the inner visual things, but the manipulative part still remains to this day. It got more exposed and I tried to work on it, but I really don’t know whether I will ever be able to repair it. Probably not by trying to repair it because the defend mechanism would only make it worse. Maybe by actually doing what I always wanted, helping others and then alongside the way, it might heal more and more.

At least I know, that it wasn’t always a part of me and that I started it, because I wanted myself to die. I mean, as a kid in elementary school I wanted to die and I knew that I couldn’t kill myself. So I tried to develop a plan on how to break myself. And sadly it worked… but again, it wasn’t because I “just” wanted to try something out. It was because I felt as if there was no reason in life anymore. And that because of all the nonsense around me (and traumas). So I sadly created even more nonsense inside my head, I lied to myself, scared myself until I forgot about it and became dumber than I was.

From interview to therapy to self-therapy again. Oh man… 😀

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