All these wrong believes

You can say, that people can get strong after surviving horrible and times facing injustice. But don’t justifiy injustice as a way of growth. People can grow through many things, not just through painful experiences.

Why do we have so many cults, religions and in general people, who still believe that women are less important, are meant to get children and such.

Why can’t all humans be seen as equal. Why can’t women do what men did for so long? They can, they should.

Usually some people justify their actions based on so called words of God, or words of famous people.

In the end you realize, that many things not even written in the books they were talking about, or that they never understood the true meaning. Despite, that these books could also just be based on some people and their believes. For my part, I believe that there are many interesting and good stories in the bible (the original one). But because it was reinterpreted many times or even rewritten, while the original meaning might not even had been understood, there is room for wrong believes.

When I read about Jesus in the bible myself and heard about him, I always knew that I would want to be like him in a way and at first I believed that everyone (at least in the christian groups) would also want that. Instead I had to realize as a kid, that my father was justifying his actions based on wrong interpreted phrases of which some might not even be in the bible. (But as a kid I didn’t know all of this, I just knew that something was wrong.)

I wasn’t in a cult, but I was in a one man “cult” you could say because my father was believing that he was helping me, by punishing me. Bad TV, bad music, bad games. He still believes that video games will cause people to get aggressive and maybe kill others and such things. He just said something like this yesterday, while I told him many times about the fact, that actually the opposite is the case. At least in my eyes and when you look at the numbers. If everyone who plays video games would be aggressive, man we would have civil wars in every country on this planet.

The pure fact, that he used to be aggressive, while I usually was the calm one, while I played those “bad” video games and he didn’t, should actually show how stupid this is. But yeah… it is worthless to try to explain it to him. He doesn’t want to change. He always says it, but never does.

I mean, my dad is the kind of guy who goes to a family trip, equipped with flyers about Jesus, christianity and such. I remember one family trip where we were standing some time next to a train station, while he was giving people his flyers. I mean there was a tourist bus with people from Asia and I bet most of them didn’t even understand him or if so had any interest, he still tried to give them a flyer. Tell me, what has this to do with Jesus, God, love and caring for others?

More like: “Here, take this piece of paper, may your soul be free now because you finally got a mass produced piece of paper with dead words, like a pizza flyer. At least with the pizza flyer I could order something I want… but this flyer is way more important.”

(or something like that)

I also heard (like the thing with the needle and the gate with camel) from a good and more open minded christian preacher, that the rod or birch, was actually not meant as a punishment. Well, I don’t know whether this is always the case because some texts in the bible could say different. (I didn’t read all, to be honest.) But from what I read myself and what he said about, it made sense. He explained the rod to be meant as a symbolic thing based on the growing of plants. Because a rod / birch (sorry, not native english speaker, I hope you know what I mean) was used to stabilize a tree or plants in the past and I guess to this day. And that actually made sense and was way more believeable. A strong father shows his children how to be kind, how to work and care for others and not “I HAVE TO PUNISH YOU WITH A BIRCH (or belt, or bare hand) BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND GOD WANTS IT!”. Don’t you spare those birches boy… man that opened some eyes.

And this is why I knew, that my common sense, my intuiton and perspectives of the world were right and good (when I was a kid) until I got more and more broken. Because on one side was the believe in Jesus I had and still have, then there was my father, then there were other religious people and finally other people in general. So my brain went from “I see the core values and know what is right and wrong” to “What is the point of it all?”, “Is my life even important?”, “Does God even exist?”, “Could hell, if it exists maybe be better because I wouldn’t have hope to be free?”, “Why should I go to school, when all I learn there is to obey?”, “Are all people liars?”, “Am I the problem?”, “Is this all a play no one gave me the sheet with my text and role for?” and so on

Again, I am a man, at least when it comes to my body and a part of my brain. But sometimes I feel like a woman too, I am not a woman, but I sometimes wish I would be one because I can’t stand how many men behave and behaved all these centuries. Not all, but way too many.

Instead of wishing to be a woman (in my case), why couldn’t we be accepting each others value, which is priceless.

For many men, a woman is just about some money, children and power. They don’t see the soul, the power and the good things women can do. Many great inventions were either made or inspired by women. Why? Maybe because some women are smarter then men, maybe they had time to think, while the men were busy doing “important” things, like fighting wars, punishing people and such things.

While listening to these TED talks I had tears in my eyes several times because of all this crazy, horrible and weird paradox things.

During my youth I started to fear myself because I wasn’t sure whether I would do good or bad. Because I thought I was worthless, useless and problematic. While actually I was the opposite. When feeling free, I was making people happy, motivate people to learn new things and do things with me or others and was actually solving problems. But still this hard wires are part of my brain.

And as someone stated “Toxic positivity” and “self-optimize” and “motivation pusher” things, aren’t helping me. They make me feel even more useless, more broken and create even weirder negative thoughts.

Because if you take phrases like: “Everyone lives for a reason.” or “It is happening for you.” and “You are the only one who can change”, then I could say “So, people who get raped, who get killed, who kill themselves and who decide to kill others, are meant to live for this moment?”

Think about that, think about how wrong such things could develop. And out of freedom and so called “positive” motivation could develop new cults, strange assumptions and behavior.

“We all have to be happy, positive, motivated and productive. No time to waste.” (could some people say and maybe say it)

But what about relaxing, enjoying some time alone or with others because you want to? Is that a problem? What should we all be productive for, if the result of the productivity would only result in the need for more productivity?

Sometimes I see society like this:

Someone: “The train is going too fast, sir. What should we do?”

(toxic) Motivator: “We need to move FASTER! Don’t take unnecessary breaks and waste time! MOVE!”

Someone: “But we are already going too fast and there is a curve in front of us, we should really slo…”

(toxic) Motivator: “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

Someone: “But the curve and the people, the train will probably crash and then…”

(toxic) Motivator: “I SAID: WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU, MAKES YOU STRONGER! Maybe you are too lazy and selfish to see beyond your own mind.”

Someone: “But what is the point in risking to be killed, while we could just slow down a little?”

(toxic) Motivator: “Do you want to end up like all the losers or finally be successful?”

Someone: “I am just….”

(toxic) Motivator: “It is pointless talking to you, you don’t listen.”

Someone: “But you don’t lis….”

(toxic) Motivator: “Go back on your seat until you learned your lesson.”

Someone: “But… THE CURVE!”

*train crashed and all died*

All? No, the (toxic) motivator survived, of course…

(toxic) Motivator: “See, I told you! … Why is everyone else dead?”

The end.

If great women get called wrong, if short minded leaders get praised and everyone is going nuts, well maybe we should move faster to make it all end, but why, if we could also choose to do it the “hard” way, by slowing down?

In a pessimistic scenario the train goes towards a cliff, but I think would that be the case, either slow or fast, wouldn’t make much of a difference and stopping the train would only stop the train, but the people would still run towards the cliff. So I thought a curve would be more fitting because there is hope and we can do this, but we can’t if we force ourselves to be perfect and those around us.

Feelings are meant to be felt, thoughts are meant to be thought (well maybe not all believed, but thoughts are free after all) and if someone needs some time to relax, do nothing, just let them be. Some people can help themselves, some people want to help others, some people are just natural health talents, but not everything is good for everyone.

Some people need different fruits, different sports, different life styles. Not everyone will find peace in playing golf, if you know what I mean.

Telling people to optimize themselves, to be more productive, in a world in which everything already is running on overclock, isn’t that like telling people to jump from a bridge? Just think about it, how the so called motivationial and positive words:

could turn into:

Maybe someone would be already motivated and able to do good things and their actual dreams (should they still have some), would people give them space, time, freedom and lower the pressure instead of pushing it up.

Many women died because of men, many people died in general because of some people playing God or “acting in his name” (be it one or many Gods).

Many things were interpreted wrong, used wrong, wished to be how someone wanted them. Many people have not much of a choice, when it comes to “JUST DO IT”, for them it is either survive in a horrible mess of getting tortured, raped, psychologically broken or “just” killing themselves.

No one should do that, but if you can’t understand why someone wants to die, you can’t say: “Don’t do it. Think about the people.” Because who thought about them? Not everyone is born as a champion, meant to be a champion, meant to be a hero and be successful all the time, with everything.

Success could be not feeling guilty for things you are not guilty for. Success could mean, that you didn’t kill yourself today. Success could mean, that you helped a friend with some school work. Success could mean, that you didn’t go crazy after you got harmed again. Not everyone has to be leading other people. But people should know that they can, if that is want they want. Before that, it is important that you feel good. And if a long hot shower makes you feel good, why not? If watching TV the whole evening makes you calm down, why not? If eating some chocolate makes you feel better, WHY NOT? I mean what is more important? A human life or productivity?

“If you feel good, you can do good.”

And only you know what makes you feel good. I don’t mean drugs or alcohol, but things like movies, music, people or just being alone and art and such. You know best what is good for you. And if you know that a cult is not good for you, then you know that you will leave it when possible.

If you question something because it makes no sense to you, maybe this is what it is all about. But don’t fall down the horse on the other side. And also don’t forget, that riding or driving bike, is not just about balance because otherwise, you would always do things the same way and probably hurt yourself one time. It is about adjusting based on the situation, environment and what you want. Driving a bike is useless, riding a horse is useless and holding balance is useless. Because if you just do it for the sake of it, you will always “JUST DO IT!”, while you will never know why or what for. And in the end, maybe run into a wall because why not, right? (Please don’t run into a wall or harm yourself, should this be interpreted wrong.)

Never forget: “You are not alone!” and this implies actually interacting with people and finding people who are either like you or who you can get along with. Because saying “you are not alone”, while still being surrounded or placed somewhere where you feel all alone, are different things. Only when you are actually not all alone and don’t feel alone, you are really not alone. Otherwise a part of you will still feel or think this way.

Minds open for new ideas, creativity and individual approaches will change and paint the future for the better. But we humans were way too good on holding them back, locking them away, killing them and making them feel bad.

Let’s not do that anymore. Let’s not continue by judging about others, while we might hate it ourselves.

But don’t forget to be kind to yourself first. You are worthy of good, worthy of love and life. I myself feel pretty miserable often because I had to quit my job in order to not go fully crazy or harm myself any longer. And because our world usually doesn’t work like: “Oh you need time? Take as much as you need.” it is hard to think positive. Because usually it is like this: “You have to pay the heating, the water, you have to pay for food and yeah, take some weeks off, but then you have to work again. We need the money.” Luckily my mother and I could talk about this, but usually it is this way. And so it isn’t that easy to “just” feel good and then move forward. Sometimes it could take years to fully recover, sometimes only some months. It depends on the damage inside of you, it depends on the environment you are living in, the society, your friends (or so called in some cases), parents and what you really want and think you have to do.

I know what I can do, could do in the past, good things, creative things, but after all these years of pretending to be happy with my life, to be happy with my family, to be happy with how the world works, I had enough. So if people say: “smile a little”, I think “don’t make me do that, it hurts”. Because I of course can smile, when I am really happy or amused by something, but usually my true face is a blank stare of hopelessness. An emotionless face.

Not meaning, that this is how I was born, how I want to be and what I am. But this is how I usually felt and feel. Tears are good because they ease my sorrow. Laughing is also good sometimes, but it is hard to laugh honestly, when I learned how to pretend everything.

This is why I am so thankful for every tear which comes to drop down my face. Because whenever I cry, I know it is real. Because I had a long time when I couldn’t even cry when I wanted to. I can pretend to be happy, to be almost anything, but I can’t pretend tears and I honestly don’t want to. Whenever I weep and tears come down, I want to know that it is me, that this is good and that I am free. Tears are good, they actually ease pain in the head as I heard.

But it always depends on what you believe or think. I can only tell my stories, my theories, believes and things I learned or heard over the time of my life.

It often feels like nonsense, often feels like “old and already seen / heard tousand of times”. Maybe it is, maybe I am just crazy most of the time (I wouldn’t wonder after all). At least I am crazy in a good way, right? 🙂

And sorry for all these long posts and strange relations and perspectives. I can only hope that people understand it the right way, that I didn’t forget important words like “not” (when talking about what “not” to do) because it could change the whole meaning and I often think that these posts are so long and boring and not new, that people won’t want to go through them anyways. Why should they? They have more important things to do and that is okay. But luckily you people usually “wrong” me on this negative thinking because someone always reads the posts or even likes it.

Thank you for that, I hope I helped or inspired you.

I hope I didn’t make you feel worse or more pressured and a little calmer, more relaxed instead. I hope that we are able to take more time to feel, really live and take time for each other in the near future.

We can’t safe the world, if we all die before it because we pushed to hard.

If your motivation is healthy for yourself, that is totally okay. Just don’t force people to do it like you, to do things a certain way. I have my ways, you have yours. But we can walk some paths together. And showing your ways is good, showing what you did and do is good, as long as people are free to choose.

Am I pushing too hard? Am I just trapped in my own bubble while everything is actually pointless, useless? Or could actually every life be used for good, if you let it be? Maybe the sorrow is not so heavy, if you can believe that the ones who died in a horrible way, got abused, got tortured, that they are in a better place now. That all their pain was not necessary, but that they don’t have to go through this anymore. That they are free now. Otherwise, for me, this world is hell. Otherwise, for me, life is a prison sentence, while you weren’t guilty when you entered it.

Maybe I can work on making this world a better place, not only by writing, by talking, but actually creating things which help. Maybe even the system I was talking about. I bet there are already many people out there who have something in mind and just wait for someone to work on it with them.

(Wants people to not push themselves or others to fast – does it himself… xD man I am really playing myself out. At least all of this music and information feels like pushing the people who “experience” my posts. Sorry again. Maybe I can lower that again, but I hope that I don’t have to force myself to stop again. I really like to share these things and learn about other views and opinions. Although I already collected way too many and in my anxious, broken mind many of them made me even more anxious, but yeah… there is always way more to something and as long as there is good, things can be good in the end.)

Don’t get lost in my thoughts, don’t get dragged down by my words (should they cause this in your case). Only read it, if it makes you feel good. If not, better leave it, at least for now. I don’t want to loose people who are more open like you.

Love you guys and I hope that I can get to a point where I don’t feel too crazy anymore and too “all over the place” like most of my life.

“The world is big.”


    • For me everyone has the right to live and I am sorry if it seemed like feminism for you. Everyone is a little different. So yeah, honest men who don’t want to control everything and don’t want to be the top of the world all the time, they are good people. But you have to admit, that during history many men were acting as if they were supposed to be the rulers of the world, the family and other things. I have nothing against a father, a man who loves his wife and children, but many men confuse responsibility and love with tyranny and control. The thing is, what is feminism and what is equality for you? If for you a women has the same rights in a family, in society and every other aspect, then we are cool. Honest men, honest women and everyone else who feels or sees themselves differently in an honest way, are good in my eyes. People who want others to be different by force and violence, no matter who it is, are wrong. People should always have a choice.


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