What could I do? Would I?

As a kid I learned to sneak in and out. I learned to be very quiet.

As a kid I learned how to lie, to not get in trouble.

As a kid I learned how to lie, to not get help, because I wanted to die.

As a kid I learned how to manipulate people.

As a kid I learned how to act, so no one asks too many questions.

As a kid I learned how to listen, so that I won’t have to speak.

As a kid I learned how to be crazy.

As a kid I learned how to become a monster.

As a kid I learned, that no matter what I do is wrong.

As a kid I learned, how to be a criminal.

I learned to many things which weren’t too helpful when it comes to my true nature. I love people and their stories, I love animals and nature. I am interested in learning new things which inspire me. I like to do create things, be it programming, writing or even building things with my own hands. But as a kid I learned that these things won’t help me in life, that they will get me into trouble, or that I simply can’t do it.

The good thing about this is, that I can now understand the people I love or want to help. Still I feel a little unsure about my actual feelings and reasons.

I know that from my soul or heart, I really want to do good and help and I do, when I can. But my mind collected so much conflicting, negative and wrong data, that I pretty scared of it most of the time.

When my environment is different in a good way (no one gives me rules, no one asks too many questions, where I can just be), then I am free. Sadly this wasn’t the case most of the time, at least not in my head. I mean the time in hospital and a clinic I once was, were some of the best times in my life. Imagine that… Usually I suppose, people want to be at home as fast as they can (should it be a good and healthy home), but I just wanted to stay in the hospital or clinic. Most people around me were like “the food is bad”, “the phone signal is bad”, “everything is boring”, etc. and I was like: “Man, this feels so different. Is this freedom?”.

And I mean, I wasn’t in a cult or something (luckily for me), just in a family in which most people have psychological problems and such things. So only when I was far away from everyone I knew, I felt free. Because in my head there was always a relation to bad things when I see people I know or knew from the past, including my mother, although she had a harder life than me.

Would I have wanted to use what I learned as a kid for my advantage, I would probably be some kind of psycho who works for some secret organisation or maybe alone as a head hunter or something. If I would have let this hate, pain and all these negative things take over my brain, I could probably become like Hitler or Stalin. And I am still scared of the possibility.

Because while I am actually very kind, scared of many things and usually a peacemaker or neutral observer. Sometimes my mind did switch in the past (maybe when there was too much pressure or unprocessed problems etc).

I did all sorts of crazy things as a kid.

For example did I sometimes pee out of the window (weird, I am sitting in the same room at the moment) of my grandfather’s house. I did ran around naked inside and outside. I did ran around naked in the forest and take a shit somewhere. I tried to fuck a tree and all these weird things.

And like a devil’s circle these things of course caused more problems because then I would later think “what the hell did I do there” or “why did I do such a thing?” and so on.

The psychological problems I had were never in my focus back then, how should they. So I just supressed these things and tried to forget them.

Now I of course figured out, that there are many people who live with such things, but at first it only make me feel more bad. I thought, well, if there are so many people who suffer from these things, maybe I am just too weak. They probably found a way to forget them and I just was the loser who thought he was different. But then everyone around him had probably similar problems and so on.

Each time I am writing, when it isn’t a poem, I feel as if I could make people angry, could tell them wrong things, could convince to do something which is not good for them – and such thing.

So I don’t want to think about mental illness or disorders anymore because I thought about them since I was a teenager. Of course always expecting the worst diagnose.

I still believe that my brain can change in the right environment, but then I fear that there is nothing left to change because what I think and see is already “me”.

A tiger or wolve, acting like a sheep or flower.

This morning, when the sun was coming out, I walked through the forest again and listened to the birds. Also rested on a bench for some time.

While walking, I thought about what I am doing here.

After I watched the Netflix series “Kalifat”, I just had to think more deeply about this, about who I could be and who I want to be or who I might become in the end.

When I saw this guy, who was convincing young girls to go to the Kalifat / ISIS, I thought, holy shit that could be me (in fear). Because I am against all kinds of cults, forcing people to believe in things and of course killing people. But this is just my true side, my original healthy and good side. Then there is what was created through out my life until now and this is pretty fucked up.

It is never good to follow someone else and give up on yourself (what this guy basically made the people do). Mostly people who are already a little lost or unsure and then a little “kick” in the direction he wanted and they were all his.

I could be such a person, cold, controlling, manipulative. But not because I want it because it developed as a defend mechanism at first and also as a result out of my weird experiences so far.

While I was walking and also before, after I finished the last episode of “Kalifat”, I was thinking “should my brain switch to unsafe sections, how could I prevent such behavior?”

Unsafe sections are what I call my broken thought patterns and behavirs etc. so nothing scientific. I mean I have nothing to do with science or psychology etc. when it comes to certificates and such.

I thought, that should I somehow loose the control again and actually willingly manipualte people to do what I want, while developing whatever strange plan, I am already preventing it by writing about it. Right?

I thought, that by writing about it, people could hold it against me and maybe could convince me and get me to a stable state again, more normal behavior.

A conversation to get me back again could be like this:

???: “Didn’t you write <something>? And haven’t you said <something>?”

Me: “What does it matter?”

???: “Look, wasn’t this the time when you wanted to process your past and become free?”

Me: “Eh… I guess.”

???: “Didn’t <someone> say <something> and you said, this is good?”

Me: “I don’t know, did I?”

???: “Yes.”

Me: “What is the point of this?”

???: “Are you sure, you are yourself right now?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

???: “Look into the mirror. Are you happy to see the face in front of you?”

Me: “No, not really.”

… (and so on)

I really don’t want to be evil or help evil people with evil things.

I want the oppsoite.

But the damage in my mind has the ability to question it.

I try to write things down or make music based on my feelings and thoughts now. It helps, but some problems, which aren’t in my mind or part of me at all, can’t be fixed like this. I have to distance myself from them.

But it is hard.

My mother told me about a story of a boy who got born in a prison, some decades ago, maybe it was in the USSR. The people there were “living” in conditions far from human. And when this boy finally got out there (maybe with his mother), he was at the grand parents. But after some time he said something like: “I want to go home again.”, meaning the prison. He was born there, grew up there. It was home for him, it was “normal” for him.

Well and compared to that I am almost in heaven, but still trapped in a situation and environment in which I can’t really be free. I can’t feel free and I am reminded almost each day of the past. Psychological / mental freedom is what people need or what is in a way the problem because from an outer perspective I now can do what I want. But I just can’t most of the time, too much has happened.

Speaking of change. Today I finally got outside in the garden, used some garn and made a triangle like shape over the terrace. I wanted to make a sun cover, so I first wanted to see how it might look and how big it would be. After three years I finally made a first step. Sounds strange, is strange and man… I hope that things will work out for the better.

Small steps… indeed.

Sometimes I really don’t know whether anyone should trust me, because I can’t even trust myself sometimes. At least more often than before.

I am taking of my masks because otherwise I won’t never be able to heal or process it all. The masks are only holding me back now, only making it worse again. I never wanted them. I never wanted to be fake, but everything seemed fake and my mind learned…

I have to teach it better now and the good side rise. I already made peace with myself once, but shortly after all hell broke loose again, when someone stood in front of my door again and all got washed away in a few seconds.

At first it just felt weird, then it felt numb and on the next day, my reality was almost not existing anymore. Everything was unsure, I was paranoid like hell and even interpreted basic internet connection problems as weird signs and such things. Totally crazy, just one day after a major “attack” you could say. From the outside just a nice man came by and gave me an easter present, talked a little with me and then left again. All normal, right?

Inside my brain probably happened something like this:

It is easy to be rude towards someone who was rude. But hard when the other person was always nice. So a mask flipped onto me (not a real mask of course) and I betrayed myself. I think I still really processed this, otherwise I wouldn’t have mentioned it at least two or three times on this blog already.

This event did push my healing process way back. I mean, I got rid of a work I couldn’t do, of some friends who weren’t good or helpful, some other people and groups I was spending time with. So I thought, okay, now I can only focus on myself and the current situation. I felt able to do it and it somehow worked for some months (more or less, but it seemed to get better from my perspective). Only to crash because of one small – maybe 10 minutes – conversation and visit. Beside the fact, that visits were not allowed back then (maybe still are in some cases or regions).

I was totally unprepaired and kind of forced into this situation, so I was totally defenseless. If he would have just ringed on the door, I could have pretended to be away or busy or something. But he had already seen that someone was there (my mother) and she didn’t want to talk with him as well. For myself, I know now how to defend myself (physically and mentally) at least way better than before. But if my weapons and shields get taken away… I am pretty vulnerable. Now that I hope that I learned something from this incident, I have to strengthen my self-esteem.

Self-esteem level with shield and sword (mental weapons):

–> 90% (I am almost ready to “conquer” the world)

Self-esteem level with shield:

–> 20% (I hope the shield is strong enough)

Self-esteem level without weapons:

–> 5% (At least I have the right to breath or not to breath)

(These are just some symbolic numbers and words. But maybe they are more correct after all. I don’t know.)

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