(probabply written some time in fall – winter 2017)
[ORIGINAL VERSION GERMAN]
In meinem Kopf schwirren Gedanken nur so umher. Man könnte meinen ich denke manchmal nichts und vielleicht stimmt das auch. Nur ist die Frage ob dies aus Druck oder Entspannung resultiert. Bei zu viel Druck schaltet mein Gehirn meist einfach ab, aber nur wenn der Druck zwischenmenschlichen Ursprungs ist und etwas von mir verlangt wird, was ich nicht unter diesem Druck, wenn überhaupt machen kann. Das kann von ganz banalen Dingen, bis hin zu Dingen die ich sogar alleine wie ein Meister schaffe, gehen.
Man könnte meinen ich wäre ein Depp, wenn man mich dann so ansieht oder eben nicht weiß, was ich eigentlich leisten könnte, wäre da kein Druck bzw. Stress. Hochsensibel bin ich sogesehen und deshalb ist es sehr schwer für mich, was das zwischenmenschliche angeht. Manchmal reagiert mein Gehirn sogar vermeintlich absichtlich falsch, damit ich meinem “Ich kann nichts” gerecht werde, auch wenn ich es in entsprechender Situation vielleicht gar nicht brauchen kann, dass es so handelt.
Ich bin mein eigener Feind!
Thoughts are floating around in my head. You might think I sometimes think nothing and maybe that’s true. The only question is whether this results from pressure or relaxation. With too much pressure, my brain usually just switches off, but only when the pressure is of human origin and something is asked of me that I cannot do under this pressure, if at all. It can go from very banal things, to things that I can even do on my own like a master.
You’d think I was a fool, if you just looked at me or didn’t know what I could do if there weren’t any pressure or stress. I am highly sensitive and therefore it is very difficult for me when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Sometimes my brain even reacty intentionally wrong it seems, just so that it can justify my “I can’t do anything”, even if, in a corresponding situation, I may not even need it to do so.
I am my own enemy!
Others told me shit, call me names, situations taught me and then I taught my brain how to manipualte myself. I really forgot about the fact, that I actually told my brain to do so. That is why I questioned its behavior as “intentionally wrong”. It actually was the result of massive manipulation and damage which caused all this. But at least now I know a lot more about what I was writing three years ago. Still I am impressed on what I more or less automatically wrote back then.
I just wrote these things as I most of the time still do to this day and then it is done. I don’t read it again or think much about it, it is just there. I don’t know much about why and whether it is right or wrong. It is just written and done. But now I learn to analyze it and to use it as a tool rather then just a random happening or act. I use it as a tool to learn more about myself and others. And to heal myself and maybe help others along the way.
You never know, right? As long as it doesn’t cause the opposite.
And many games aren’t just games, they tell stories, they help people and they have more value than many so called “How to” tutorials and magazines writing about health and human interaction. If you listen closely, watch closely, you know what has value, what is important and what will change the world. But if you just blindly follow other people, you maybe follow forever and never see for yourself.
As many said before me: “Wake up!”
And still I am not sure whether it is meant literally or spiritually, if not just meant to get out of the “created” world by mass media (press, etc.).
All a little, I guess. Don’t we all sleep sometimes, while our eyes are open?
Yesterday (I am writing this on Thursday / father’s day) I was talking about my blog with my mother and how I still can’t realize that there are actually people (you) who read what I write and even think it is good.
While talking about it, something in my mind switched and while I was still talking about it with my mother, I somehow got into “observer” mode. I was thinking about the situation, was feeling a little sureal and almost like dreaming. I thought, why am I still talking, who is talking? It was as if my autopilot was talking, while I just watched it happen. This usually happens when I am under a lot of pressure (e.g. a presentation in front of some people). But there actually was no reason why it should happen in this momemt. I then somehow stopped the talk and went into my room again, feeling weird. Man… my brain really needs a break from all this mess. I think it can’t wait to finally be free from all the unwanted and collected problems.
Let’s hope it will be able to in the near future. It is still hard to trust in myself and in what I am doing. It still happens more on its own, while on the other side I of course think something about it.
But with my music it usually is also like this: I just start the virtual keyboard program, search for an instrument and then I just hit some keys and continue from there. I don’t think much about, it just happens. Then I decide whether I add another instrument or not, then I record that and so on. And in the end I just overlap / mix the recordings together, add some “paulstretch” effects, echo and maybe some other filters or small tuning and then it is done.
I don’t write down any notes (I can’t read notes by the way) and I probably won’t be able to play the exact same thing again. It is a one time recording.
When it is done, I export it, put it into a music video creator tool and upload it to YouTube. Done.
And then I listen to it myself and often think: “Man, that is not bad. Was that really me who did that?” I sometimes even thought I was listening to some classical music from old composers. But when I hear some “wrong” keys, I know it is me. 😀 Some tones which are a little to weird or hit the wrong nerve. But still, it is an experience, when you don’t pay too much attention to these little details. Sometimes they actually make it even better, depending on the mood and title.
The title also comes either after I recorded everything or I just give it a name during the recording. It is all more or less automatic, so I don’t really know what I am doing most of the time, it just happens and I do it.
This is also why it is easy for me to feel bad about what I do because I suppose that other people take a lot of time doing these things, think much about it, while I just do this in 1 – 2 hours. I record 5 – 10 minutes, then maybe another 5 – 10 minutes editing (sometimes a little longer, but usually). Then I set up the video tool, process the video (~ 10 – 30 minutes) and after that I upload it (~ 30 minutes) and add some keywords and maybe a comment. Sometimes I create a new banner for the YouTube channel and that is it. No big deal. So when I then listen to it myself or other people and it feels so amazing and beautiful, I can’t really accept, that this is what I did. It feels as if it was too easy, it must be wrong or bad. Other people take weeks sometimes or even more, so it can’t be that easy.
Basically too high sensitivity and overthinking the whole concept of doing what I do. I enjoy making the music, I enjoy listening to my and other people’s music, but I usually think that my music is just strange. Sometimes I think, maybe this track or that track could be used in a movie or TV show, but then I think “no, it can’t be this good, look you didn’t even put effort into it”. That is of course nonsense, that I didn’t think much about it or that it was easy because my subconsciousness did most of the work, but how do you explain that to a “normal” human?
“I don’t know what I am doing, but it works.” Like that?
Well, the videos I watched and the things I read and so on, they all more and more explained this to me and so I can only hope, that others will understand over time. Many know this from themselves or already understand.
We are all unique and different in a way and that is good. But usually that isn’t valued that much, at least not where I live and from my experience. Maybe I just was already too broken to see it. I am never really sure about anything I do, but sometimes I just do it anyways, if it feels right in a way.
(Wall of text again… I really don’t know how you can read all of this, maybe you are a fast reader or very interested in reading what I write. I just usually feel guilty for writing so much all the time, mainly in the “comment” section. And then always so off topic things. Probably because I often got told to summarize what I want, to not write so much and to get to the point. But I am just no one who is really able to say things with just some words. When I feel like it maybe, but usually there is so much I want to say, but just don’t until it all burst out and I can’t stop it. (Be it writing or talking)
I mean I talk about all kinds of topics the whole day if you want, but usually people have to do something else (me included), so it just has to stop at some point. And then I often feel again bad about even starting to talk because it was taking so long and sometimes is the same I already talked about many times (or wrote).
Probably just because I always was around people who were not really able to communicate with me on the same level. Or maybe because of all the mental damage.
Anyways… thanks for reading again.
Luckily you can just ignore my posts or read them when you have time, so there isn’t such a “Sorry, I have to go do this or that” situation around here. hehe. Although it still feels this way sometimes, looking on the walls of text I wrote and write most of the time.