Fragment/s – [2]

(written 12/10/2017 – or later)

[ORIGINAL VERSION GERMAN]

Krank zu sein und sich krank zu fühlen sind zweierlei Dinge. Schon beim Schreiben der Worte kann ich es fühlen. Wenn man sich aber anschaut oder ich genau überlege, dann kann ich nicht krank sein. Natürlich kann man immer mal krank werden, doch ich meine weniger physisch, eher psychisch oder geistiger Ebene. Es zu fühlen, aber nicht zu wissen, macht einen Menschen vielleicht auch erst zu dem wovor er Angst hat oder löst aus was er befürchtet zu haben.

Damit wäre jedoch in Kombination mit “Einzelarbeit”, mein Schicksal so gut wie besiegelt. Jeder weiß, der Mensch braucht Gemeinschaft oder wenigstens jemanden, der ihn versteht. Auch bei mir ist es so, doch bis jetzt ist mir nicht aufgefallen, dass da jemand ist. Vielleicht habe ich auch weggeschaut und es übersehen. Aber meines Wissens habe ich keinen Gleichgesinnten. Freunde habe ich sehr wohl, doch weniger als Gleichgesinnte, mehr als Kumpel oder Spielkammeraden. Für mich gibt es da keinen Konflikt, aber noch habe ich keinen Freund, der dem entspricht.

Er müsste kein Freund, sondern wohl eher eine Freundin sein, nur sieht es da eher leer für mich aus. Nicht weil ich nicht möchte oder kann, sonder weil ich nicht darf. Diesmal aber aus eigener Verzwungenheit. Diese bezieht sich jedoch nur auf eine von mir ausgehende Suche. Anfragen sind natürlich eine andere Sache. Der Grund hierfür liegt darin, dass ich niemanden in meine Hölle hineinziehen möchte. Ich bin kein schlechter Type und doch habe ich meine Probleme und Vorbelastungen, weshalb ich dies keinem aufbürden möchte.

[ENGLISH TRANSLATION]

Being sick and feeling sick are two different things. I can feel it as soon as I write the words. But if you look at it or I think carefully, then I can’t be sick. Of course you can always get sick, but I mean less physical, more psychological or on a mental level. Feeling it, but not knowing it, may make a person what they fear to be or triggers what they are afraid of.

In combination with “individual work”, however, my fate would be almost sealed. Everyone knows that people need fellowship or at least someone who understands them. It is the same with me, but so far I have not noticed that there is someone. Maybe I looked away and overlooked it. But as far as I know, I have no like-minded people. I have friends very well, but less like-minded people, more like (basic) friends or playmates. There is no conflict for me, but I still don’t have a friend who matches that.

He would not have to be a friend, but rather a girl friend, only it looks rather empty for me. Not because I don’t want or can’t, but because I am “not allowed”. But this time out of my own obsession. However, this only refers to a search that I started. Inquiries are of course a different matter. The reason for this is that I don’t want to drag anyone into my hell. I am not a bad guy and yet I have my problems and previous burdens, which is why I do not want to burden anyone with this.


Comment:

I hope the translations are somewhat the same as the original german versions. I try my best to make it as clear as possible and to eliminate wrong translation which could change the whole meaning.

And the last part, with the “I need a girl friend” and all, again seemed pretty cold and calculated. But for me it meant, that I would never ask a girl or later woman out for a date or something like that. I said to myself when I was a teenager, that I would never do that, so that I could stop my family problems and also not to harm another soul and such things. It was almost like I swore it too myself. And so I later started to think, that should someone actually be interested in me (the whole me), I would maybe open up and accept it. But only if this comes from someone else. Just to make clear that it wasn’t about “Oh, hey, do you want to be my girl friend / boy friend?” shit. It was about serious deep connection and honesty. But I didn’t have much hope in that and also thought that it might be better this way. I thought it would only make things worse.

Now I this changed a little, but there is still too much I first have to process. I have to make clear to myself, that I am not what broken thoughts I get or what images I have in my mind. But it is hard sometimes. Playing with my cat helps, nature helps and music helps a lot, as well as the writing about all the things. I really helps to sort things. Although I still mix things and repeat already written things way too often (sorry).

I know now, that all these dark, brutal and disgusting thoughts and images are there because of all the suppressed emotions, fears and traumatic, injustice and damaging experiences. Each time when I can weep or cry about it, it relieves me, but I first have to get used to this again. I was like a machine for far too long. But I am learning to feel fully and I achieved this some months ago, but through some unexpected events it got blocked again to some point. I hope I can one day fully feel and not fall back again, because of unexpected unwanted events.

Love you guys! Don’t give up and don’t forget to spread the love and to care and pray for each other! ❤

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