(written 10/12/2017 – or later)
[ORIGINAL VERSION GERMAN]
Die mentale Einsamkeit beschert einem schon so manchen Kummer. Darunter verstehe ich die ausgeschlossene Haltung gegenüber der Gesellschaft. Dies bedeutet nicht, die Gesellschaft schließt mich aus, sondern ich ziehe mich von der Gesellschaft zurück. Jedoch geschieht dies nicht etwas aus Angst vor jedem Einzelnen oder einer bestimmten religiösen oder anderweitigen Verpflichtung.
Es ist leidiglich meine freie und eigene Entscheidung. Der einzige Grund, den die Gesellschaft – alle anderen Menschen außerhalb meiner Familie – mir gegeben hat, sind schlechte Erfahrungen in meiner Kindheit und meine familiären Verhältnisse. Zu schlimm war dies nicht, doch hat es ausgereicht für mich. Dafür kann aber kaum jemand etwas. Deshalb ist mein Rückzug wie zuvor im Absatz beschrieben zu sehen.
Mental loneliness causes you a lot of grief. By this I mean the excluded attitude towards society. This does not mean that society excludes me, but I withdraw from society. However, this does not happen somewhat out of fear of every individual or of a certain religious or other obligation.
It is fairly my own free decision. The only reason that society – everyone else outside of my family – gave me, was bad childhood experiences and family circumstances. This was not too bad, but it was enough for me. But hardly anyone can do anything about it. Therefore my retreat can be seen as described in the paragraph above.
I know that the Prolog should be at the beginning, but I just found it, so yeah… 😀
And “Fragment X” had now date and number, so yeah I don’t know.
I guess: “Speak louder!” 🙂
And I also wrote “Anfügen an Vorwort – TBW” (ENG: add to prolog – TBW), but I don’t know what “TBW” means and what the prolog is. Maybe “Fragment X” actually was the prolog after all. I really don’t know.
About the meaning, I really had no idea how right and wrong I was at the same time. You should know (if you not followed my blog), that I more and more searched the problem in me and tried to explain everything which happened as my fault. –> “I just was too weak”, “I am just too sensitive”, “I am stupid”, “I am different and weird”, “I am the problem”, “It is my fault”.
But now I know, that this is not true. The only thing is, that should I now don’t start fighting, not start to “SPEAK LOUDER!”, it really is my fault. And then I probably won’t get a second chance. I wouldn’t want one, I would want to finally go. So I have to “SPEAK LOUDER” and let it all out in order to fight my way back to life.
And with childhood experiences I meant my whole life until I left secondary school, so actually until I was 16 years old. Just to make clear, that I didn’t mean a specific period of time, although the word “childhood” is actually used for that.