Young doesn’t mean stupid

When I was in school, I had a lot of different teachers, obviously.

I came across very open minded and kind teachers who were supporting their students and also ones who were just sitting around, probably unsure about what to do. And then there were these “pushers” who always tried to push you to the limits (sports, math, art). And then inside, there breaks even more of the not really available self-esteem (in my case).

When secondary school was over and we had final party, with the teachers and all, I was not really having fun. I was dead inside. I maybe laughed a little about some things, but I got out of there as soon as possible.

At the final party after my three years of technical highschool, I just got my paper and walked the hell out of there. I didn’t drink or eat or party. I just went home, it even started raining, but I still just got home, while everyone else was making party.

I mean, it also had other reasons, why I went home, but I also just had no feeling for party, fun and such. For me it was just walking from one hell into the next and each hell got worse in a way. Well, not always, but it tended to be this way. The way I felt inside.

Now I am happy for the teachers which were at least noticing that I wasn’t feeling good and for the good times with some friends. But it often was a numb feeling. It was numb because when I for the first time in years actually started to feel again some months ago, I thought “what is this? Is this what they call feeling love?” I mean, this might sound overdramatic, but it is actually not far from the truth.

And I can just say, that not getting the support one need, is killing you inside, literally. I mean my gall bladder got removed by the age of 20. And I probably have other physical problems because of my depressive, hopeless state I had most of my life (when I wasn’t distracted or suppressing it).

This is why I want to support young people. They all have great talents and ideas, should they want to use them. Not everyone has to be a genius or super talented, but a big heart is also a great gift in the right environment.

And I believe, that everyone can get smart, can feel and change. It depends on the will, the trust and most importantly on the self-image. If there is no one you can really trust in a young age, no one who really supports you or understands you, that is horrible. And if then either through that or other things (wrong parenting, abuse, wrong school) your self-esteem and confidence also goes down more and more, there is only an abyss coming nearer and nearer, getting bigger and bigger.

Everyone is a little different, sometimes a lot different.

I for example have a problem with groups. I usually was doing things with one friend at a time or played alone. When I was with a group of friends or making group tasks in school, I usually was more quiet or doing stupid things because I just couldn’t handle the situation well.

For me the word “school”, “exam” and things like “education” became monsters. They literally made me anxious and scared me.

The concept of “You have to go somewhere or apply somewhere to learn something” never really worked for me. So when I wanted to play music, but couldn’t really communicate that, my mother asked: “Do you want to go to music school.” and I of course said: “No.” because I didn’t want to go to even more schools, more pressure, more rules.

I learned programming myself through websites, videos and mainly learning by doing. So with 14 I started to write my first scripts and programs. But when I said, that I could make something out of it, I got doubted, that I would have to first apply for an apprenticeship or go to college or something like that, in order to do something with that. I knew that this wouldn’t help me, but did so, only to realize that even the teachers sometimes did know less than me. Not all of them, but most of them. So I wasted another 5-6 years after secondary school. Actually getting from a higher standard school to a lower standard school, only to feel even more bored and depressed, while the job was too stressy and painful as well.

Result: Suicide attempt, damaged personality, bad mental health (mental health who?), hopelessness, development of dangerous thoughts (thinking about murder etc.).

I can only thank God (a higher force), my soul and a still functioning part of my brain that I got out of there again. And of course my friend who still supports me and helped me through this very tough process of learning again how to be and to realize myself.

My mental health is still pretty all over the place, but at least most of the other things are either gone or way lower/better than before.

I was in a way too smart to die and too dumb to live. But actually I was outplayed because I was different in several ways. And my brain learned that I can’t change anything because I would always fail in the end. Now I know that this is not true, but if this is part of your brain for most of your life, you have a hard time removing or repairing that.

So instead of telling young people that they know nothing about life, that they have a lot to learn and that some things are just the way they are, we should sometimes listen to them and maybe learn from them instead of teaching them what some people taught us.

If you build a school for animals; take ducks, ants, chicken, foxes and so on. Then you have to consider, that they are different and not the same. So if you ask them to fly, the duck might not have a problem with that and even some ants will fly. The chicken will try, but has a hard time and the fox, well, he might tries to hold onto the chicken because he can’t fly himself. And the story goes on and on.

In my school experience many students were cheating in class tests, some where on some teachers “black lists” (they would tell them to shut up or go outside, even though someone else had talked) and class tests in general were pretty strange. I usually was stressed and taking a long time. I had times when I was one of the last to finish (depending on the subject and mood). I mean I even forgot to work on one whole task, after looking through the test three times. I was so stressed, that I just overlooked this task three times.

I usually work best when I have no time limit, when it is “quiet” around me (when there aren’t nerve wrecking noises like cars, or things like that). I can work when there are birds outside, children playing and having fun and such things, because that is positive. But machines like grass cutters and such are really making me angry sometimes.

I learnt to ignore these things and literally switch them off, to a point where someone could call my name five times without me noticing, for example the teacher. Then it could seem as if I wasn’t paying attention to the class, but I actually just wanted to avoid the noise.

Converntional school really wasn’t my way, but at least now I am here to write about all this, I guess.

For me the western or general way of how school works, is to only support those who are able to fly (to come back to the animal school example). And I was a tiger with wings, but I couldn’t use them because tigers have no wings. So I turned into a ghost tiger, a ghost tiger can have wings, right? No, actually I wasn’t thinking about this most of the time. But this animal example of school really fits it well.

I am not talking about making a school for dogs, cats, birds, etc. That is even worse because then there is no social interaction with others, different people.

A school for every animal, should be a school in which the teacher is not in front of the class. It is not a school in which there are rules on how teaching works, when it comes to methods, strategies and education plans. These plans were mainly for politicians and some people in the industry in my eyes. Because many things in these education plans were total bullshit or just not really helpful.

I mean you get taught that you have to learn from your mistakes, while there is a system in which you should at best have no mistakes. And also the politicians often do the same mistakes like the generation before, the teachers the same as the generation before, at least a little less violent, but still. While the main problem is actually that everyone is under so much pressure, that you could destroy a whole country with it, should it explode.

In a healthy, supportive school, there is a dynamic learning possibility for everyone. No hard coded plans and standard tests, or whatever they are doing to test all people equally.

Because in my eyes there is so much nonsense in that. In the end it is important what you can do. And I think it is pretty bad to tell children through grades that they are good or bad in something. Because sometimes this is far from the truth. If you take someone who has a hard time thinking and working when there is a lot of pressure and put him into a timed test, what do you except? If the way how the industry works and many other things, wouldn’t be so much about time, following structures and such, we would have probably way less mental health problems, stress in general and also better results and more creative, innovative solutions.

From my perspective the world was searching for innovation on one side, while it was destroying it on the other side.

I heard about a school concept some years ago, which was intented to solve this problem. It was more computer based and intented to support the individual needs of each students learning curve and needs. Well, maybe not everyone, but at least better than it used to be. The teacher would then only act as an observer and a person to ask for help, when needed.

At least from what I remember. The thing is, that I never saw this in action so far. Maybe it got implied somewhere else, but I mean that was probably 6 years ago, when I heard about it.

Everything works so slow when it comes to education changes, child support and such things, while on the other side the industry and internet is like building stairways into space.

“Never change a running system.” – some people say

I say: “The system never worked, you just made it seem this way.”

I mean people who were different, were put into mental health institutions to be away because people thought they were crazy or sick, just some decades ago and maybe still to this day in some areas of the world or even worse things.

And then people ask: “Where are the creative solutions?”, “Why is there no one who can solve our problems?” (or maybe that is just what I think they say, I don’t know)

Most problems can be solved through love, care and listening to others or just paying attention to them and showing actual interest and support. But because you can’t change a “running” system, that of course it not an option. (hmm…)

Luckily more and more people stand up and change their minds. I can just hope it actually brings a change, but to be honest, I think that most people don’t care. Let’s hope I am wrong.

I thought, why can’t you let the kid decide with what it can work best?

And for me the choice on what classes you take, was like a sick joke. Because at this point I wasn’t able anymore to realize what I can do or at least trust in it. I lost hope and interest in what I actually wanted.

School, work, life always were things for me, in which you make one wrong decision and everything is lost and it still feels and seems this way for the most part.

Why is that? Mainly because this is how it often felt and literally is in a way.

But it doesn’t have to be this way because actually life should be about making a lot of mistakes (we could maybe discuss about what is okay and what not, but that is another thing) and feeling good about it.

For example, if you decide to go to a school, let’s say a science school and maybe after two years, you realize that it wasn’t what you want, you lost two years and get no exam if you quit. So you either force yourself through it another year (should it be a three year school) or you quit and have nothing in hands. This is bullshit, but this is how it usually works or feels.

And I mean, if there wouldn’t be so many schools and actually more systems, like online teaching and other approaches on how to test people, this whole concept of “I can’t fail” would change.

When AI learns, it usually fails a lot in the beginning (depending on the underlying algorithms etc. but yeah). Then either humans help it a little, depending on the area in which it will be used or it finds a way itself over time. But without the previous completely wrong decisions or calculations, the AI would never be able to get to think for itself and actually solve problems. It would in the end only solve the test cases at best or just do strange things or need help all the time. And then, what would be the point after all. I mean the AI should help us and not the other way around.

So if you take the AI example for our youth and children, we are actually building test case solvers, help needers and strange actors and other people. But we actually need problem solvers, helpers and over all more positive and creative people.

I learned most things which I learned through trial and error, research on my own and interest. In school I only learned things I either already knew or which didn’t interest me that much. Basically wasting my time only to get a bad exam in the end because I was so demotivated and depressed that I didn’t see the point in it all. (But actually I didn’t see the point in it since elementary school. Work meant pain for me, school pressure and life was like hell. What a great start… not.)


For me school, life and work were like this and still feel like this:

School/Work: “Do what you want, you are free to choose.”

Me: “Okay, I want to do my own thing.”

School/Work: “But you have to first get an exam and work experience.”

Me: “But I already know what I want to do and it is to program, write and make music and maybe invent something.”

School/Work: “Good, then you need good grades and maybe study these things in order to get a job in this area.”

Me: “Noo, I already know enough myself and where to find more. I know what I know.”

School/Work: “But you have to get a certificate for it, so others know that you know.”

Me: “But why can’t I just do something and show them.”

School/Work: “Na ah. You gotta first show me, that you can follow the RULES!”

Me: gives up


And then you get sick, obviously, only to get told that in order to get help, you have to go somewhere else again and talk with people and do things you know won’t help you. Great…

The important things always get ignored:

  • too much pressure
  • standardizing
  • ignorance (feels like a joke, but you know what I mean, right?)
  • strange concepts
  • mental health
  • love
  • support
  • consequences
  • humans
  • paradox behavior (asking for innovation while supporting blind following)

I always hope I am wrong about things when it is about “the world goes down” for example. So always read what I write with caution, I don’t know everything and sometimes I might have a wrong perspective on things because of my own experiences. Still, I think that when my experiene was possible, something must actually be wrong. And I can only hope that something actually changed for the better in the meantime. I know that more and more people start to open up and think differently nowadays. This is a good thing and it makes me happy. But still I am not sure, whether it is enough. The optimist inside me says: “We can fix everything, nothing is lost. If we start now, there is still enough time, enough hope.” But the realist (more the pessimist) says: “People never change, the world never really changed. The world still has a problem with women rights, with religions who force people to believe them and other things.” And the actual pessimist says: “The world is going down. You can’t stop the train from going down that cliff.”

I still hope that I am wrong about the last part and I am open for positive things. My life just taught me that there is so much nonsense, hate and suffering in the world that I really have a hard time to actually believe that it will get better any time soon, maybe never. Still I give it a chance and hope that it might become true. But when it comes to the bible, it also has to get pretty worse before it gets good. And we aren’t there yet, according to the bible. So maybe we are right in front of the actual shift of humanity from bad too good. We will see.

“Expect the worst and hope for the best.” –

(last track is also know from “End of the F***in World”)

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