So, I am pretty messed up and oversharing and all. I want it, while I don’t want it. It is complicated and broken in a way.
But I just had the thought, that you can’t be bad if you fear bad things.
I don’t know whether this is true or not and of course it depends on what is bad. But still, it is hopeful.
A big fear now is – which is of course totally strange and is very pessimistic – that I am alone and that all of you are just in my head. And I know that this is very, very fucked up. And the scariest thing is, that now everything I watch and read and all, points towards this “conclusion”.
Because then, no matter what I do, it would actually be pointless and without reason because it is all for me anyways. So that would I die, I would just live another (probably) painful life and then another and another and then maybe a happier one, only to always realize that it is all pointless, lonely and meaningless.
This is the very dark, pessimistic and black hole thinking process in my mind at the moment.
But because I don’t want it to be real, I have to think it away. And now you might think, but if that is true, then why is it this hard in the first place? Because it is meant to be hard. The problem with this is, that in the end it would be endless pain. And I mean, when I was a kid, I didn’t think: “Oh great, let’s experience all the pain possible because it is sooo much fun.” No. Before I broke, I wasn’t thinking that much and I was happy, even though my environment wasn’t always that good.
So this pessimistic thought only makes sense, if there is no sense, if that makes sense. (Everyone is confused, me included.)
To make this a positive out come (hopefully), there is no such thing then “one”. Or in other words. If only you or I would be real and the whole point of existing would be to feel pain, then existence would be about pain.
And I existence would be about not feeling alone, while being alone.
But would this be the case, then why making life?
I don’t know much for sure, not even whether all of my memories are real or not. But I know one thing, that love makes me feel good. Either giving love to someone else or getting love through care from others.
When I dream, I usually don’t feel that much, but then what do I know, right?
So what I want to say: “Out of a single cell, many cells can come.”
And they all can create more cells because they are (more or less) equal. At least from what I know about biological cells.
Therefor I am not alone, you are not alone and we all might not even be alone in the universe. All these: “You are the light.” and “You are God” and “You are the hero” and “You have to do something” phrases only make me more anxious, depressed and stressed out. Mainly because I fear that “I” caused all of this mess because I am a mess. And I know this is totally out of mind and sanity, but this happens when you are broken, I suppose.
And for me only evil, only the devil (or enter any other evil force, spirit, energy, etc.) and the ones supporting it / him, want this to be true, so that they can harvest good, harvest positivity.
But the loop of existence, should not exist. If it exists, then we should make it stop existing.
A loop to serve negativity is not good.
So when you tell a lie and you know it is wrong what you say and you still do it, it is of course not good. But for yourself and the person you are lying to. (Be it lying to yourself or friends for example.) Another thing is, to tell what you think or fear, but don’t know for sure what it is or how and such things. It isn’t a lie or a problem to talk about things you don’t understand. I often have heard and read things about all kinds of concepts, theories and plans on how to live a life, how to work, how to exists basically. And most of them were about ignoring others, about living in the moment and doing the best you can. And I really hated most of it because in the end it only made me feel worse. Because I just lived in the moment and ignored negative things in my life, to a point where I forgot friends, good moments, basically that I exist. So it only made it worse for me.
Also I hate this phrase “Let your past be the past.” or “Let go of your past.”. I sure can think positive about it and say: “They probably just mean that constantly replaying the past is not helpful, when it was bad.” Sure, but then I thought, without my past I am nothing in a way. Sure not nothing, but I would be like: “What was yesterday, why am I here?” And every day could be the same day, without me noticing a difference.
I know that it isn’t about that, but still all this “motivational” speeches and people who are like: “You HAVE to talk to a therapist.” and “You HAVE to do something.” just make me more anxious and thinking about things.
This basically lead to the thoughts about existence and then it destroyed my safe space in my mind more and more as well.
And now I just have to stick to the one TED talk or at least the title of it: “Why the majority is always wrong.” or something like that. It makes me feel a little better because then I could for example make a good thought like: “I am not alone. I don’t have to do everything. I am not God the Almighty (or whatever high spirit there is), but I can also create good things and this is what I always wanted – to do good things. And I did that as a child, but my actual father didn’t allow me.
So yeah, I don’t know what I believe, I am all over the place with my believes, fears and thoughts. But as a child Jesus was true for me and God was true for me. I knew that God was good and about love, although I wasn’t able to describe what love is and I still am better in just giving it then talking about it (I suppose). So I knew more than my father because I listened to my mother and also followed my heart.
I can only sleep well, if I can know for sure, that I am not alone and that everything good is possible. It is easy to write things, easy to say things (not for everyone, but I think you know what I mean), but it is hard to believe something. At least usually. I came to a point where I could believe anything and this dragged me deeper and deeper into dark places. It made me feel even worse and because of me feeling like a problem I even made me feel worse again. I mean I watched psychadelic horror, I watch porn, I hit myself, I lied to myself and others about me feeling good, while I felt horrible, I did very strange things. And it brought me to a point in which I totally lost myself to fear, bad thoughts and assumptions.
I am still trapped in them, but luckily I can still escape sometimes through the help of you guys and other people, or my cat for example and my mom who tries to help me. And I also sometimes help her again.
Usually my life, after I started to break (in elementary school through traumatic events and problems at home, inside of me and such things), was about the will to die, the pessimism towards future because for me my future was finite (working for others and not being happy for the rest of my life). Then my bully also said, that he would never stop bullying me. And all these things. I just saw endless pain, suffering and nonsense.
Sometimes I saw good things, when I watches my favorite TV series or new ones with intersting topics. Also while playing games. But in the end I always came back to the conclusion that all will be bad either way. Well not bad bad, but just pointless or stupid and calculated in a way.
As a kid I thought something like: “If I want to live, I have to work, but in order to work I have to be happy. I can’t be happy anymore, so I can’t work, so I can’t live. But I can’t kill myself because it would hurt the people around me. So I have to hold all inside of me until I am dead. Hopefully soon.”
And thoughts like this were part of me since elementary school until recently, when I almost killed myself (in December 2019). Then it shifted into positive, but mainly because I almost actually died because of my own action, only to dramatically break down again, when everything seemed to force me back into line again, while I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.
Then I broke down again, did quit my job, didn’t do my final exam, wasted basically most of my life because it was pointless anyway in my head. But in between there also grew positive thoughts and possibilites, or I should say, they got out again. Because in secondary school I knew that I would be good at programming and I was interested in music or sound in general, also writing (mainly poems) and such things. But each time when I mentioned it, it was like: “You can’t live from that” or “It is hard.” And I was like, but I can do that. Sadly not loud enough and not hard enough to myself. So I just gave up and surrendered to the pain over and over again. To the nonsense: “I have to work and do it because that is how it is. I hope I die soon and that it actually is over afterwards or that I am in heaven.” I even got into thinking that hell and my life are not much different, so that I thought, well I could also end up in hell, if I would know that there is no escape, like in life. Then I could just die because I would end up in a hell either way.
I mean how pessimistic and depressing is that? Man…
And most of these thoughts are still a part of me, why I am very instable at the moment and sometimes totally loose the sense for reality, question everything, see problems everywhere and feel like the worst being in the world.
It is like: “If we are light, then why didn’t we just stay light?” And then I answer the question: “Because that would be too easy.” And then I would think: “Did you see light every manifest in an object or something other than light?” And I am like: “No?!” And then I think: “Probably I just don’t know it because I forgot how it worked. And in the end we will all be light again only to be a beeing again and die over and over again.” And so on….
So it is almost as if everything positive or negative turns into anxiety inside of me and feeds the pain.
Because why should the universe want to experience us, me, pain?
As a kid, I listened to my mother, when she said, that the oven is hot and that it would hurt me. I accidentally did hurt myself on a hot plate, when I didn’t know it was on. But I didn’t want to feel pain because I got told it would be painful. My mother even showed me that a fork can hurt, but just playful, not in a painful way. And I think she probably said to me, that it would hurt a little, just so that I know. And then I was prepared and it probably wasn’t that bad. (I actually can’t remember that, but my mother told me.)
And she really is and was like this during my first 3 years of living, when she didn’t have to work. But when my father decided to not work anymore, my mother had to work and then the shit started…
So if the point of existence would be to just do more or less pointless things, only to stop existing or going back to what we were in the end, then why do it in the first place?
I mean, I sure didn’t want to experience pain as a kid, didn’t want to harm myself or others and I just helped my mother where I could and where she needed me. But my father always found excuses to punish me or just say something mean. He even called me a problem. Didn’t allow me to play, to give my cat I had back then milk, to clean the floor, build a tree house. Sure he also played with me a little when I was little, but I think most of the time after my mother had to work, I was alone with myself, trying to be positive and ignore my painful experience of life.
Those who say, that you grow through such things are not totally wrong, of course. I would be foolish to say, that you don’t grow through changes in your life. But I mean, isn’t it paradox to create a life which is perfect as it is, only to break it, make it destroy itself or at least almost do it and then spread more pain into the world? “For the fun.” they might say (if feeling pain is fun for some people) or for the “experience, it is all about the experience”. Good for you. But it is easy said, that the it is about the experience when you are feeling good or just ignore all bad things.
So when my mother, relatives and people we know are talking about how I was as a kid (which sticked to them), then it would be something like:
Kind, empathic, helping, lovely, intelligent, interested, quiet, big imagination, good with words, friendly, can talk with anyone/everyone, good in two on two conversations, many friends, loved, happy, gift from God – and so no.
My mother even said to me that she prayed to God for a child which will be a blessing for all. And she said that I was a blessing. My grand father (who lived next to us) was getting happier again, even my father at first seemed to be more open. And the blessing or positive impact I have sticked to me, whenever I was away from home, from school and all the problems. When I was in a clinic once, my group was one of the best if not the best they had so far. We were people with all kinds of problems, some had just a broken leg, others had problems with self harming, one got literally hit against a wall to be quiet when he was younger. I was there because of depression or at least that is what I together with my mother and the doctor somehow came up with because I was feeling pretty bad. But the therapist couldn’t help with that (because I didn’t know what I actually had, just that I felt bad and couldn’t really talk about it), so I mainly got into the clinic because of my overweight. I had around 115 – 120 kg. And well, after the 6 or 8 weeks, I think it was 6 weeks, I only had something around 100kg. But at least a lot less. And in summer I had only around 85 kg, which was the weight I should have according to the doctors.
All through healthy food and (at least in the clinic) workout.
And for some of you this might not be a new story because I repeat many things. Anyways… my group was pretty great. I actually danced with them just on the first evening, while I never danced with others since I got laughed at a lot and also didn’t see the point in doing so. Some played mario party or something like that, so I played with them. Some watched anime, so watched with them. Some were playing football (actually the american one, with the “egg” or how the brown thing you through and kick is called) and I played with them. I think that over some people who first weren’t that open towards others in the group started to open up a little. At least for the time we were in the clinic together. Even other groups started to play with us sometimes because they liked us and some people came to our group in the mean time, just to hang out.
It felt like some kind of heaven, as strange as it might sound.
We called the clinic “<name of location> child prison”, but only because it actually felt like prison sometimes. But mainly because most of the others didn’t want to be there in the first place. They wanted to be with their friends or just alone or something. And still we somehow got along pretty good most of the time. There were not many fights over things, while sure sometimes someone made a joke about someone else or did say something mean. I also did that sometimes, I guess… it happens. But still we weren’t out to make someones life even more bad. At least not from my perspective.
Many cried after the time because it actually helped them to be around people with either similar problems or just people who weren’t all perfect (or pretended to be). We all knew we weren’t perfect, but we were more or less feeling good about it because we were far away from our problems. At least the ones outside of our minds and hearts, I should say. Not everyone, but I think most of us felt good during the time in the clinic.
I am a blessing, I suppose, like my mother said and asked for. But evil doesn’t like blessing or hope. And I might actually be a better person than I thought most of my life. I felt as if I was ready in a good way, when I was born. I was ready to love others because I talked to strangers (at least when I didn’t feel bad), I played with people and somehow understood them or at least tried to. I was okay with what I had, I sure asked why others have this or that sometimes, but I somehow accepted that I won’t get much because we didn’t have much money and still don’t have much.
When I started to program, I found ways to legally use tools like Visual Studio and other things, without paying money. I signed up for a community account and used the community edition, which is free. And interestingly I could use even some of the professional features (which normally you have to pay for) because there was a bug with some part of the software. I didn’t even know that, until I once installed a newer version in which this feature didn’t work anymore and I found out that it shouldn’t have worked in the first place.
I knew that I would probably never get a piano and probably don’t buy a keyboard or other instruments. First reason, money, second reason, space, third reason, I break things by accident very often. Just some days ago I broke my smartphone. It still works, but a part of the display is just weird colors and symbols because it feel down pretty hard, while I tried to open a window. I mean this is just my second smart phone I got last year and the smartphone I had before that was a small crapy one, I still have and which still works. So I try to be very careful with things because I don’t want to break them. It happened way too much when I was little.
I even broke my fathers keyboard he had for whatever reason. He never used it, at least not since my mother married him and probably also didn’t use it much before that point. And I still don’t know how I broke it, but something broke… Toys my grandfather bought me broke quickly, my grandfather almost died because of that once (a smale remote control boat which I turned on and my grandfather turned off again because I didn’t say a word, so that when it was in the water, it was obviously not responding and he tried to get it and also drown or hit his head).
I broke many windows with balls, some balls very thrown too far and fell into a nearby river and so on.
So I just because of these things I started to distance myself more from others because I feared to break something or hurt them etc.
And all of this is not just done by saying: “You are a nice guy.” or “Let go of your past.”
Because then all I would have, would be my broken head which I can’t trust most of the time. And that I was able to write down all of this, is very good and helpful. It made me feel good and not alone. But there still is the fear that all could be an illusion and such things. The logic I used to have, would not allow such thoughts, but now I often have this, with every thought (mainly scary, dark and broken ones):
So something like:
“There is no God.” – Approved.
“You are God.” – Approved.
“You have to help yourself.” – Approved
“You will always be alone.” – Approved
“There is no reason to exist.” – Approved
“You are already dead.” – Approved
“You are in hell, thinking you are not.” – Approved
“You are an evil monster locked in a virtual prison, tested whether you can actually be good” – Approved (man that was a long one)
and so on…
This is my mind lately.
And when I then watch a movie, read something, listen to a song – basically do anything – my mind compares it all to this paradox nonsense and says: YES.
And then I am like:
But then the mind would say something like: “It is pointless, because no one will come to save you. You are guilty and you are in your own hell because you wanted to be in it.”
And then I think: “Yes, that is true, so I knew my weaknesses and used them against me to play myself out against myself.”
Then I would get approved again until I almost freak out.
My mother usually saves me or my cat or basically something I don’t expect which isn’t bad or at least neutral.
And then I try to think that this has to be real and that this has to be good and that my mind is just a potato or something.
(And … well … if you didn’t stop reading until now, please just leave a comment, if you can. I mean just a heart symbol would be nice or just something. And what I actually wanted to say, if you didn’t stop until now, you are a very, very special being. You did take time to read a long text which was not about a specific topic . Okay maybe it is, but not like: “This is how <something> works”. And you survived it, you maybe even think it wasn’t a total waste of time. Well, that is just what I hope, but yeah. Thank you for your love and time. I hope that it was worth it and that I am not totally crazy communicating with myself through all time ever in a never ending universal nightmare of existence. Let’s not do that. 🙂 And instead spread love! 💗 And don’t let the love die out, so that things will get better and stay good.)
“Thank you!” to the power of three. 😀
Love each other, care for each other and pray for each other. But please, don’t forget yourself. Don’t forget that you have to feel good too and that it is not about getting sucked up by others. We often fall either on the victim or “sucker” side throughout life, but we should instead just support each other.
We are children, at least we should be children in a loving way and open minded way. We are here together, we are not alone and whatever is, we can make it better.
“About God, I cannot accept any concept based on the authority of the Church. […] As long as I can remember, I have resented mass indoctrination. I do not believe in the fear of life, in the fear of death, in blind faith. I cannot prove to you that there is no personal God, but if I were to speak of him, I would be a liar. I do not believe in the God of theology who rewards good and punishes evil. My God created laws that take care of that. His universe is not ruled by wishful thinking but by immutable laws.”Einstein, 1954
“God does not play dice with the universe.”Einstein
And I mean, he didn’t believe in a religous God, like a father, at least from what I heard, but still in something higher, bigger.
And I mean, this is still very pessimistic for me, but I can just say, that he knew, that he didn’t knew everything and hoped, that someone would come up with some better ideas and concepts and such.
(At least on the wikipedia page, where I got the quotes from, but I knew that he said something like that, just not the exact words.)
Either way, accepting that there is no free will, that there is no escape and that there is no point or reason in existence, is not the best way of seeing it.
Because we know not much and I mean, maybe the will is not based in the brain, but in the soul. So that the brain actually is just a processing and saving “device” like a biological computer of some sort, while the soul (energy field surrounding or being one with the body somehow) has the will.
I don’t know enough to talk, write and share information about the topics I am writing about, but I also thought that most people don’t know enough about what they are talking and writing about.
This means, that we can’t really say what the “universe” or “God” or “nature” is. And I mean, wouldn’t I have a free will, why is it, that some think, they can do what they want? And also, if we don’t know what the universe is, why do we assume that we know that it is either all a game, a mathematical construct or a nonsense or just because it is.
Couldn’t it be, that there is no limit to the universe? Could it be, that what we believe gets possible?
I don’t know, but I can’t accept, that things are without reason, that things are there for no reason, but also not that everything has to be the way it is. I believe in a dynamic “formula” which will result in good, when we want good.
I have no degree other than a technical highschool with priority IT (Germany) and an unfinished apprenticeship as an IT specialist.
Think what you want. Stay positive, spread love and we don’t know everything, we just think we do.