There are times when nothing happens,
not a single word gets out.
There are times when all comes out,
endless seeming, fear to become a disaster.
Was I always the talker?
I think I was always in need for knowledge,
I wanted to know and to share what I learned.
But then I broke into pieces.
I am glad for this experience,
but it was hard and was hell.
If you fear to never be able to do what you want,
you die inside.
This way I walked my own plank.
To be never seen again.
But then, then I didn’t die completely.
Now I know, that it was good.
But it never felt this way, until now.
And without other artists, art, like music, poetry, books, and all…
Without the God I believed in,
I wouldn’t be here, love saved me.
I had too much love to give,
too much love I was open for.
And so I broke, when I got told, it won’t work for me.
I thought I wasn’t allowed to live.
And now I think, that I don’t want to think, but what if this is all about me?
Or in other words, what if the universe actually isn’t about balance at all?
What if we are here to fix the problem or to just be? It is only about balance, if there always has to balance. But isn’t balance itself, just an assumption?
So if, let’s say, there actually is the possibility of endless joy / love and peace. Maybe it is that we will achieve it, this time.
Because if you take the word “devil cycle” or “Teufelskreis” literally pointing towards existence. Then it would be horrible if existence would “just” be about pain. Because it would mean that God is a monster or that we are our own creation – therefor a monster. But would we actually be able to solve all problems for the better, wouldn’t we solve them? I sure would want to have a never end time of good after one point. Because I can’t stand all the injustice and pain in the world.
You could argue with: “The pain is necessary.” and I would say: “Maybe.” And for us it might be necessary to learn, but why should pain be necessary to learn, if you want to learn anyways?
The conclusion would be that we want to harm ourselves, what in itself is a bad decision. But it would reflect my own thoughts and behavior during my youth until recently. Only that in my case it was that I was kinda forced to not interact with the world in my way, only in a way it was wanted, while I knew it would be pointless.
So that said, I can just hope that there is good. Because if it is about always having pain and death and problems at some point, it would be insane and horrible.
–> Pointing towards a black mirror episode in which a guy recorded the mind of a man who was about to die, only to replay it over an over again.
If this would be our “destiny” only in a way more complex way, I would say, that this is hell. Am I wrong? I don’t know. But I fear to be right.
Also the song or poem or whatever I wrote, was written last week I think, while I waited in the car until my mother was coming back from buying some things.
I don’t know whether my hell will ever end, now that it started, but I hope I can get rid of this very depressing thought. Violence should not be the end result of existence because if so, it would only get worse and worse. Violence, might only be the start, until we fix it or God or whatever there is, which is good and which is love. Existence shouldn’t be based on an endless cycle of pain because pain kills and deaths are not good.
Man what am I writing here…