Lines, words, letters. [19]

Nothing meaningful, unless for you it is.

[ I think it is better for me to not make an audio book version. But we will see. It just is hard and doesn’t sound to great when I talk, so maybe I will delete it. I don’t know… :-/ ]

We continued to write some more pages, until we had a good temporary ending. It was impossible to finish it, we just got the temporary ending done only two hours before the final deadline. Then Paul and I were reading through the whole script again, searching for mistakes and corrected them as best as we could. Probably still some here or there, but it has to be enough. It just should be good enough to tease the publishing company and to make them accept a deal.

Just around 9:30 we both entered the office building and after short elevator trip, up to the 11th floor, a smile greeted us on the other side.

???: „Mister Brickstone, good morning. And who do we have here?“

Anthony: „Antony, eh… Antony Duda.“

nervous laughter

???: „Almost sounds german, is there a chance?“

Oh no, it actually is polish, but yes people often misinterpret it because they think it is ‚du da‘ what would just mean ‚you there‘ or something in german as far as I know. I actually looked that one up because so many people… Ah ehm just forget about it. My friend here, Mister Brickstone is here for his contract, Miss?“

Mrs. Correa: „Mistress Correa“, while she pointed on the metal plate in front of her table.

Anthony: „Oh, I am sorry, I didn‘t see the name.“

Mrs. Correa: „No problem, some people just make fun of my name, while it actually has nothing to do with Korea… But if you still want the contract Paul, you should hand it over now. Clock is ticking.“

Anthony: „Ah right.“

Mrs. Correa: „Now let‘s see. How many pages?“

Paul: „Around a hundred so far.

Mrs. Correa: „But we at least need two hundred for a book to be published. You know this Paul.“

Paul: „Yes, Gabriela, I know.

Anthony: „What my friend is trying to tell, that we want to make another deal. And we know it is against the rules to make a deal upon a deal. But you should really take a look first.“

Mrs. Correa: „Well, Mister Du-da, I am not the one reading this, but I can try to convince our team to take a look. But only because you two just look so amusing, have you been taking drugs? You sure look light you two had an ‚interesting‘ night.“

She took the folder with the pages and went through one of the doors behind her. The clock was at 9:43 and we both just stood there waiting, like two drunken lads after a good night. After a couple of minutes Gabriela returned, still smiling.

Mrs. Correa: „I don‘t know what you wrote, but they seem to like it. I could convince them to just go through some of the pages, so you two don‘t wait here all day and they said something like: ‚If all of it is as good as this…“ and something like „Where are the missing pages?“

I can hear you!“, someone yelled out of the room she just came from, with a following laughter.

Mrs. Correa: „So, you heard the team. They love it and haven‘t even read most of it. About the contract and another deal… sadly they can‘t offer you another deal right now because you don‘t have the two hundred pages yet. Sorry Paul, but these are the rules. Otherwise others might ask ‚Why did he get a deal?‘ and then they would start asking questions after questions. You know how it goes. I am really sorry.“

Paul: „Is there nothing we can do?

Pages 57 – 60 of Lines, words, letters.


Well, I probably shouldn’t analyze most of the things I am analyzing right now because it makes me even more scared in some way. Still many things make me also feel safe for some time because I see some positive things, but then I start to be anxious again and I mean I even have cold hands and feet and probably because anxiety and physical damage. I am not sure yet.

But I don’t want to give up, but fight to survive. And still I feel as if what I am doing is wrong and that I will be doomed no matter what. And then I don’t want to think this way, I want to just know that I there is hope and that I don’t have to die in a horrible way. Like being killed for what I do.

You may think it is not possible, but look into history or maybe don’t do that. I just want to say, if we stick together, those who are sensitive, empathic, more or less good-hearted (I mean I guess none of us just always is or was good, but still not willingly harming others all the time), then there actually is hope.

A story is only as dark as the thoughts.

So, for my part I think that if we don’t want the story to end badly, we have to actually start thinking positive.

(Says the one who probably has one of the heaviest anxiety problems and can’t really deal with it… :-/)

Yeah, I mean, if a battery is only in a circuit with a broken wire or maybe a short circuit situation, there either is no power or too much, but without an effect other than destruction or just waiting for nothing (or death).

But if the same battery is used in a circuit with a light bulb or another thing which uses energy, the battery has a purpose and the other thing as well because both are different and work together.

Problem: The battery will get “weaker” over time, or in other words, empty.

The solution for this problem is to recharge the battery (and we really should make rechargeable batteries, not single use, what often is done in scho…. I mean, yes…). Then there could be another machine or mechanism to recharge the battery, so that the light bulb or whatever can work and the battery can live. Isn’t that amazing?

And I mean we also have a problem with “where to take the energy to recharge the battery”, but I mean there are so many things we didn’t fully understand or use yet, that this is actually an option question to answer, while there already are some methods. Talking of people, actually the whole time, for some the recharge is in nature, is in being alone some time or being with animals etc. Other people need the opposite maybe, so each one us indeed unique. But the main problem is, that some people seem to not allow or notice other people and their need to recharge differently.

So in a way there doesn’t have to be a bad and broken world. But it is because some people seem to just want to be evil. And after all, it is a choice to be good or bad. I just don’t understand (while I sure do somehow), why people want to be evil. So, I mean, why can’t it be that the choice would be that we would decide for good because good is good for us?

Deciding for evil, would be like a light bulb deciding to shine brighter and brighter to suck out all energy of every battery in the world, only to explode into a million pieces because the power was too much (not actual physics, but I hope you understand what I mean).

If love is the key for everyone, why is it so hard? … Mindsets and environment.

It somehow kills me (and this might actually kill me in a way), that it seems to be inevitable that there is good and evil. But as I wrote in a previous post, if you consider people like some of the basic physical particles (or how they are called): protons, electrons and neutrons, there is a solution.

Neutrons are people who didn’t decide yet or maybe fear to decide, but they stick to protons because protons are their friends, yet they don’t make a difference in power (at least to what I learned). So they are just making a difference in weight (of an atom for example).

Therefor an neutron can be a proton, should it “decide” to be one, but could also be an electron? I mean I might have learned it wrong because I thought, well okay if that happens, then what is with the mass or how is this even possible? Well… ask a physicist I guess. xD

But then we are left with protons as defenders and the core of all good (atoms) and electrons as the opponents, surrounding the good core.

And in order to work, there always has to be good and evil, at least from how it seems now. But as I also wrote before, why does evil (in form of an actual threat and not just as a more or less “dead” or “static” energy balance? So for example, I would consider an atom to be neither good or evil because (at least when it is stable) it just is. So if we would separate negative and positive through space and time, we would be left with good / positive in the future and bad / negative in the past.

Would this solution work? I don’t know. I just can’t stand the injustice and that good people have to die or get abused or even turn into bad people through problems and pain. Why can’t we just work together? Everyone has a good side and something good to give. And I personally don’t believe that there are people who are just born evil and always have to be evil. Everyone has a chance and for example psychopaths are considered to not be able to love and feel and such. Maybe this is true, but maybe they are just too hard wired in this area because this is how they want to survive. Would they know that they could actually survive much better with others respecting their difference and they themselves would be open to good things. Could this be possible? … maybe sometimes. I don’t know.

But when it comes to evil, don’t forgive the evil, forgive the one who did evil things. Be it yourself or someone else. But don’t let it be a system of constant forgiving while being used. This is not what it is about. For me, forgiving is more about big things which went wrong and then come to an end or at least to a much, much different thing. Because if one killed a million people (e.g. SS officer) and after many years really realized what happened and how bad he had done, then there can be forgiveness. But should he then start to kill people again and again, how should you be able to forgive that? I don’t know… I am not the one to answer this question. I guess.

And then all I write and wrote is so strange and I don’t know whether it is good or bad. I want to be good, want to help, but I feel like doing it all wrong and confuse people, harm people and in the end harm myself or sacrifice myself for something which I wasn’t meant to sacrifice for. Or am I? I don’t know. In a way, I just want help, but then the help I need, seems not possible. Only love can help me and there is love. I feel love, I give love, but I feel like it is not enough, while it seems that it should be enough.

Unhealed wounds…

And in my last post (yesterday) I just was very down (but then I am most of the time down right now). I also explain to myself what is happening, while on the other hand I try to break free and get scared by myself and others.

So I don’t know whether you should read it or anything I write. It is hard stuff, at least for me. I can only hope it helps and doesn’t just scare others the way it scares me. I even removed the post yesterday and I fear I might removed it all again because it seems so wrong sometimes.

But I love to share my book and music, I just have too many thoughts breaking me. I don’t know when I last had so many thoughts. It feels like my mind is on 300% overdrive (from the usual acting – just a fictional number).

Thank you for your time and love. I just feel as if I am actually losing it. Yesterday I cried for some hours and had a heavy panic attack. My blood is centering in my heart or mind or something, while my hands and feet are cold very often. I really have a bad time. Not everything has to be and also not at the same time, but my thoughts tell me otherwise, while of course it is hopeless. I just need a button to turn it off.

In a way, I feel like Jack from Stargate who got all the wisdom of another species and while he didn’t know what he was doing, he got more and more broken, while writing and sharing useful information. But he himself got more and more broken and was giving into it as long as he could to help the others until he almost died. Now I could need a friendly Asgard to save me from burning all out. If you know Stargate and what I am talking about.

Maybe I am alone with this, at least in this space of the internet and world. I don’t know. I can just hope, that there is a good ending. And that not all is as bad as it seems. Because never ending pain would be horrible. And I think those who are good also want to have an end to this.

I can only tell myself, it will be, one day, at one point and then never stop to be good. Because from a human perspective there always has to be pain to feel good afterwards, but from a soul perspective there doesn’t have to be pain because love and good is just good and you don’t want to end it or feel bad. My experiences taught me that, so I actually know that there is a good “ending” while it isn’t an ending for me, or shouldn’t be.

Can you mess with the “laws” of physics to create a world without positive an negative and just wonder and love? I don’t know, we will see.

And I don’t have much common sense right now, so at least something to say is normal given to my situation.

Eh, yeah I guess so. 😀 Thanks Jack for cheering me up.

And also thanks again to all of you who read, watched, listened to this point. I think you are wonderful people and I might be in good hands with you. 🙂

I pray for you, I love you and I am very thankful for your support. 💜

Eh… eh… maybe let’s not do that. I am sure he didn’t mean it this way.

That is more like it. 🙂

Stargate sure saved my life way more than I realized.

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