Thoughts. Demons? :-/

The following are thoughts and fears I have written to my friend this week. And I don’t know what is happening, but while it could seem interesting, maybe cool or something, it really is not. One word which describes my recent situation (since Easter more or less): Hell.

And it is very long, so sorry for the time it takes to read. I also recommend calming music for reading or not reading it alone. Because I don’t know how crazy the things I write are. Or at least strange. I mean can someone know that they are insane or not? Because when I think I am crazy, isn’t it showing that it can only be half true? … I have no idea, while I have too many.

I can’t understand how people read this and are not thinking I am totally nuts or something. And I actually feel pretty alone. It is scary and I know there are others somewhere, maybe you who reads this, who feel similar.

I just don’t know where this will lead me and I fear the outcome because I got used to thinking that in the end all is bad, sad and broken anyways. But it wasn’t and isn’t always like this. Why can’t I just be over these thoughts and forget about it all again. It is too much…

And most of what I write is not meant funny, when I write an emoji, I don’t even know whether it actually represents my feelings. I sooo lost in my own mind, that I think I have all the answers and that is even scarier. Just being lost is terrifying enough, but somewhat believing strange things even in a good way is way more scary. And then actually I should not forget, that there can always be a positive ending. Because I really know nothing for sure. Most of my mind could be a collective of strange data which isn’t true, but I think it is. Who knows.

All I need is love, I suppose because this is what I lost as a kid, at least the love for myself. I found it again some months ago, but now it is again fragile.

Does anyone know the cartoon Timm Thaler or maybe the book or another TV series? It is originally from Germany so, maybe not.

It is about a boy who had a very bright and nice smile and everyone he smiled at liked him and helped him and he was just nice. But then the devil (a baron called Lived) robbed his laughter. And then he used it to make people do what he wants in a bad way, while the boy lost his laughter (I don’t remember why he traded in the first place). And then he started to fight him and get his smile back, but it was tricky and very strange (at least in the german cartoon I watched).

Man this is depressing in a way… Why am I doing this?

I can only tell myself, it is to help myself. But how should I know, right? :-/

And all what I wrote below the ATTENTION is even weirder and all of it is what I wrote and thought. So no, my friend didn’t react as it is shown. This is just what I assumed or thought in a way. My friend is very nice, but it must be very hard to read all of my thoughts or listen to me… I don’t know.

Just let me be, let me live and love. :-/

Thank you friend, thank you people from the internet. You really helped me so much, so far. And I still hope this all is real, it must be.

And greetings to Russia, thank you for the lovely website. (I think you know that you are meant T.) Sadly, I couldn’t write anything. It is so strange because I write so many things… it is because here I don’t have direct interaction, but a comment seems to be more personal and related to a possible response. Sometimes I just write some comments, answer and have a short conversations. And then I am again scared and don’t want to do that.

… I think it would be easier to list my strengths, than my problems because I feel and think that I have way too many problems collected over time.

I just don’t want to be a black hole for someone.

(I probably should have added an ATTENTION warning on everything I post and do in the internet and then, why… isn’t it all dangerous in a way?)

I don’t know because I know… (WTF)

Maybe this helps for the reading:

(it is just music, at least for me) I don’t know.

People might already think I am way too strange. I know that I am not alright. But I feel powerless when it comes to changing something because seems to be chaos either way.

Maybe this is interesting too:


(I don’t know, but I warned you). Please stay safe. Love you, stranger who cares for me. 🙂

I am just watching a movie about a highly intelligent girl. (Is 7 and can solve college algebra) At least I am not a math genius. But maybe just because I confused myself. I remember that I could help a guy who had a three in math while I had 4-5.

Isn’t that paradox? Just supports the confusion theory. (Theory because I couldn’t find enough solid memories in which I confused/broke my own thought patterns)

But I think the main strategy was to first confuse the mind and then simply give up and don’t use it at all. “Use it or lose it” And I can assure you, you will lose it.

So now I have to do what I thought of: Start talking about my thoughts and also share knowledge. For example about computers and my theories

As a result I could maybe educate some people or show some people that they aren’t alone with their fears and thoughts.

The Main problem which I had with Alan Watts for example because he stated that he feels sorry for the people who try to change the world.

So I thought this is a flaw because it only works based in his theory that all is just for the experience.

In a way it is correct, but if you shouldn’t try to change how the world works, why is it that some simply do it? He?

And also: sometimes one human changes the whole world.

So my theory (or should someone else also have the same) that it actually is about dark to light in a universal balance through time, we might not change the big thing (the universal code), but we can act in a dynamic formula. So each life matters and each trial for change matters. Because in the end the light will win. But if we go against it, we will burn.

So only if he meant that, it would be true, but it seemed like ignorance when he said the things about changing the world. As if Chaos and evil are “good” as they are.

True when it comes to overall or present balance, but not when it comes to an balance in progress, like time as the balance maker / giver

And this also is more align with Jesus and an actual meaning of life. Not “just” experience, but love.

And there for love is synchronicity with the universe and God (whatever / whoever) God exactly is.

I should really record this.

God can’t see sin, because God is love. And where is sin, is a lack or no love, therefor not God. Based on Nietzsche’s famous “Gott ist tot. Die Menschen haben ihn getötet” Sollte man das ganze auf die Liebe beziehen. (ENG: “God is dead. The humans killed him.” Should you relate the whole thing with love.)

Eh yes.

The lack of love results in death and destruction in several forms

Universal? The world. Humanity. Families. Self.

Side note: Is the Expansion of the universe a wave going out or the lack of love?

In other words: If indeed our humanity is tested / challenged as a whole, then we should really try our best to spread love / deep connection and act peacefully.

Either way it is inevitable that we will soon reach a point where love will be a problem. When feelings are seen as problems. (Actually it always was like this in a way, but not final)

So be it for love, life, God (the loving master) or just pure logic (in a way), that we can’t succeed forever without love.

But when it comes to the end of the bible, I won’t forget “You can’t hide in other stars”

The words might be different, but if I am not completely broken in this memory than was something like this in the last book of the bible.
Edit: I actually was wrong, it was in the Psalms and more like “God is everywhere, even when I should settle down on other stars” or something. Don’t just trust me on that, I can’t even trust myself…

This means, that we either first reach other planets and start living there or that it was at least thought of back in the days.

There for, the end like in the bible doesn’t have to come now (maybe never), but it is possible right now because most things (conditions) are fulfilled

I think that because Jesus didn’t know the time and exact future, he might has just stated major conditions, but didn’t know when and how exactly. (Speculation)

I also told about a lot of possibilities through out my writing and talking. But I didn’t reach a point where I would say Jesus must have been. Would actually be impossible when it comes to my belief.

But not meaning impossible to get to a similar point, just not in the same way.

And I mean he did beat death because he not only died, but came to life again.

And in a way he wasn’t the only one who came back, but as far as I know the only one who did it this extreme.

From a scientific perspective impossible. But only according to the data and result they currently have or open up about.

But isn’t science about: everything is possible?

In other words: We just didn’t find everything yet or understand it.

But often science seems like a Religion: “We have all answers. This is right and that is true.” When they know only a little bit or sometimes even suppress the true results / truth

For example changing plant genes so people have to use and buy their seeds because otherwise they can’t get food and such things.

Two sides. I know the both and maybe more. But most people have enough to do with two sides already.

I sure know way too little to solve many problems just by asking, but many might be solved over time.

So for example: I can’t make a surgery because I would probably cut the wrong thing or simply can’t see blood.

Hack: Just use love and energy. But I am testing this on myself, so it is not a believe thing.

But I have to believe in it because this is how it works. Still it is not “just” a wish or belief for me. It is about trust in a way.

And it would also be related to complex problem solving being easier than “just” doing it the “easy” way.

If it is wrong, I will find out one day and if not, maybe someone else. But it is about finding it and trying it in a good and healthy way. Dead Science can’t do that because it is drilled to do it old fashion ways, like animal experiments and such things.

And many things are also just theories or thought of concepts taken as granted to support other (wrong) concepts.

If you dig deep enough, you find “dead” science and therefor just a replacement for Religion or an Addition.

Not to be confusing with actual / real science.

Same goes for Religion. Don’t confuse actual truth and belief with religion.

Forced things are always wrong.

Side note: Should that be true, then is the basic law of actio und reactio not valid anymore.

Because it would mean that there not always has to be a reaction to an action or the other way around.

This would be more align with quantum physics. Because the reaction of quantum particles is not the same as “normal” / well-known particles. (Maybe I should check current quantum facts to be up-to-date)

For example: Apple falls down. -> Gravity > Force

But what would be, if one day the following happens: Apple flies upwards -> No gravity? And then the Apple would just fly around in strange forms -> Magic? -> WTF?!

Only because everything works the way it works right now, doesn’t mean it has to be this way all the time.

Side note: Are the laws of physics working because we believe in them? Hint: Jesus and Petrus (Peter) were walking over water. But when Petrus (Peter) lost trust (feared) he fell into the water.

In other words, we always fall back in what we see as solid and definitely proven. But what if it just works because we always just have seen it this way? Like a child which never experienced war (luckily) until one day war happens to be a thing.

There for our thoughts actually could change reality. But enough thoughts have to be align to get a clear result.

Or the core of power – God? Has to be asked for change.

But it is about actual thinking and believing. But it can be dangerous. And in my case, I should first continue my recovery before I go too deep into this theory.

Friend is like: I thought this was already deep.

Me: This is just a hobby. (No it is not, it is my life)

Heh. What a story… man.

What I am doing, might actually bring the allies together. So revealing them might be just a necessary thing to actually build a mighty force, in a way. 🙂

Like: “You see me, you see some, but look closely, you are surrounded by us.”

(I just made it up, so don’t google the phrase :D)

Wohey! I finally recorded episode 5 – 16 of the “Lines, words, letters.” audio book version.

I just need to remove some bloopers (or how they are called) and maybe some noise.

I also thought about recording a podcast again, but now I think I recorded enough for one day. (1-2 hours of recording)

And now that I am thinking of it, I might have to add a disclaimer to some of the episodes. Like: Parental advisory.

But then, it actually would make the thing even more of a problem.

I don’t know. Despite some dark thoughts the story actually isn’t that harmful. But I don’t want to harm anyone.

We will see.

And on the other hand, those who could be harmed, might actually be helped through it. Because in school also no one asks whether they can harm you or not.

“Can I shout at you for no reason?” – “Eh no.”- “Eh, oh ok. Then just forget about it.” (Conversations I didn’t have)

A lot of stuff went through my head again while I was reading “Lines, words, letters.”

It is easier to write things down for me, now that I again found the power in doing so. But talking still is weird and also recording what I wrote.

And well, you are my sanity checker. 🙂 While I am your inspiration. Am I right?

Friend be like:

And this is me trying to recover in a toxic environment:

But at least I am not giving up this time. 🙂

Making that beach nice and clean. Eh or just running around like a weirdo. I don’t know. 😀


I wish you a quiet night, I mean: Spakona notche.

Or something like that.

Thanks. And me too. 😀 “Calls” man…

Today I got even three comments with the same content on one video.

How SPAM is that. xD

And YouTube is like:

I wish you that you can handle this week of working. Stay safe.

Well, well. Everything is connected. I mean sure, but the how is the interesting part and whether the theory is the reality or reality is shaped by the theory. –> Dynamic perspectives

“I think, therefor I am.” –

“I feel, therefor I am.” – ?

“I am.” – God

“I am, not God.”

You what mate?

Eh, I don’t know. Something with two legs.

I see…

So God has two legs?

I don’t know.

I see, I see…

What do you see?

I see that you see something in me.


Wasn’t that the question?

[one row dialog]

And well, I guess I am not a good book reader xD

But I am doing it anyways. Just so that I at least did it once.

Next time I should give it to someone else who can actually read and talk.

My voice is so… well it makes people fall asleep.

And I sometimes didn’t even understand my own words. Quite good for an audio book.

But yeah, I guess it should be read anyways.

Young girls at good at observing they say. Looks in the mirror Well…

Pretty good speech

So it is how we think, everyone is “normal”, but some want people to be a certain way, so we become unnatural and then not “normal”.

Mental illness most of the time is a misdiagnosed perception of doctors who are going after text books of the middle age… eh I mean last century.

There are of course some real damages to brains which could then cause abnormal behavior (car accident, tumor, …), but that is a physical damage which then creates mental problems.

Mental illness as a thing you can talk about is not a thing.

Therefor most of mental illnesses are just assumed abnormal behaviors while the people just were different.

It is only a problem, if it is a problem. (10 year old child trying to be a philosopher.)

And with that said, there for sure is something which could be seen as a mental illness, but I would say it is all just trauma related because people tried to make people fit in or they themselves tried to.

So a mental illness in my eyes, is for example when you were usually acting a certain way and now you, yourself don’t recognize yourself anymore and also your friends and family don’t do that. But not because something happened (at least it seemed).

But even then it might be something else. So in my case, I would say that there should of course be more (knowledgeable / wise) therapists, but not to “just” talk or something. Like guides.

And from my perspective this would solve the “robots will take our jobs” problems as well.

If for example more and more people would start to share their life experience without judging others or trying to change them, then there would be a great job opportunity in that. But of course good old capitalism just wants productive, progressive people and no “I see strange colors and hear voices” ones.

Perspectives man…

And I actually see a bright future ahead of us.

Maybe not the near future, the near future will probably be pretty fucked up, but who knows, right?

At least we can now reach out and spread the love.

And when it comes to physics (at least if what I learned is at least partially true) protons (positive energy) is stronger than negative energy. But when it comes to electricity and balance both are equal (in a way).

So while protons and electrons might have the same value, the protons have a stronger connection (or actually a connection), while the electrons are just surrounding them. But only if the models of physics are correct so far.

Maybe it all is just a cream or soup. ;D

“Let me be the hero of my own story.” – Anne with an “E” (Or something like that)

(Tries to use phrases right, while actually always hating it in school.)

And I believe that there actually should be something like “Communistic-anarchic-democratic-monarchy”

I other words: True anarchy (if I got the definition right in my head) with the option for each group to have their own rule system.

So that for example the overall system (world system) would be anarchy and not globalization capitalism whatever.

Then each group / country / clan /… could choose for themselves to go to another system for their local society.

This would bring freedom and fulfillment for all or at least most people. Of course not to dictators or world rules, but all other people who just want to live a life.

So one group maybe wants to have a single leader, a monarch or something, maybe some kind of president.

If they are okay with it, they can have one. But the overall laws given by the anarchic system would have to be taken as base, like EU laws for example, only that they would be made by the people living in it and not some douchebags who just want the money (at least many of the people making our decisions are this way I guess).

And this anarchic system could for example be controlled by computers, so no need for humans.

This could of course be a disadvantage at some point, but on the other hand, human made heaven will always have flaws, am I right? At least it seems this way right now.

The main problem with this is, what do you do with the people who don’t like freedom, peace and diversity without fighting?

But that would be a problem to handle with, when it would be the time.

So what the politicians and companies or whoever profits from it are trying to do and convince people of (creating some kind of new world order) is bullshit.

Meaning that if the whole world would be lead by one system without borders and things, than the people leading the system or who built the system (in case it would be computer driven) could manipulate it.

Ergo: The result would be a world dictatorship.

But if you for example take Linux and use Linux or the way it gets developed for an example on how to make an actual new world order, you will see it is made by the people and their needs.

There are people specialized for kernel programming, people who just port software from other platforms, people who develop little utilities and tweaks and so on

Everyone can add something to it or suggest changes by developing better solutions or hint towards possible security issues etc.

So in a way, linux is some kind of communistic/anarchic/democratic system.

Apple’s and Microsoft’s systems are all capital driven (more or less) and therefor capitalistic and at best democratic or just economical, but not really good for all people.

Apple at first was also different because at first it actually was expensive because they used expensive materials. But now it is just crap.

The operating system sure has some cool features, but in the end it also is just some kind of Linux system

And even Microsoft is adding more and more Linux features.

(Wouldn’t shock me if Windows 10 is partially a Linux distribution)

So we actually have all what we need, we just have to make the change. But it will take time. Still not too long, if you make it smart

The question is, who would see the difference between fake freedom and actual freedom?

If most people don’t even know what freedom actually is.

For me freedom is: You can do whatever you want, but you stick to good things because you know it is good.

Which means, that you can do bad things and if you do so, you maybe feel bad because of it, but in the end you are free to do it.

The ethical problem is just in the: Where do you draw the border or whether there should be a border.

So for example, if you have people who just want to kill people. Would it be possible to help them by showing them a better way of dealing with aggression or fear etc. or should you give them a simulation (like some kind of Matrix) where they could kill “virtual” people, but it would feel as if it is real?

I mean that is pretty fucked up, I know, but wouldn’t it solve the problem with the “what do we do with the rest”?

This could also on the other hand seem like a virtual prison, but they could get everything they need to live and be happy and should they want to get out, they could get out again.

So basically like playing video games nowadays.

Only with more realism.

The question here is: Are there people who just need to destroy and kill naturally?

If yes, then there should be a way to make life for these people possible without actual loss of life.

If no, then the problem would be solved without doing anything but applying a new peaceful system.

(Plays a reformer again, while he actually has no clue whether what he thinks and writes is possible or good, but does it anyways)

(When FRIEND sees all these messages after a hard day of work)

And should you feel like quitting the job, let’s talk about it, okay? Because maybe we both can actually making something much better.

Money really shouldn’t hold us back. Two smart people (at least I always considered you as smart) sure will find a way to make something work.

Smart for me means being able to think outside of boxes.

Being academic smart most of the time is just filling the mind with facts and data and then memorize it and make something out of given things.

While for me being smart actually is to make things “in a way” out of nothing.

I mean like dreaming and then doing, while from the material perspective there is nothing and then you make something. But of course you also took bits and pieces of knowledge or observations to create something new out of it.

Nothing comes from nothing, but then everything always is? You what mate? 😀

May more like “everything can be.”

Which then leads to existence again. And 0 divided by 0 is 1

You know what I mean, right?

Friend is like:


And now I feel bad for again spamming you full with words and GIFs.

I think I really should make this somewhere else again.

Because Discord sucks when it comes to scrolling and that.

Doing the same mistakes again and again, I might be insane after all.

And Amen is “so it be”

Interesting that according to google “Ameno” means enjoyable or even light


So it be O

So it be whole

Because the circle is actually wrong.

I mean I am just guessing (looks to the angry audience).

So this is actually what evil wants you to believe, that there will always will be evil.

But when it comes to what I have felt and seen, this is not true. But how should I know.


And I mean it is all based on my feelings or what I would describe as such.

So for example the circle or dream thing scared me and made me feel bad.

So this must be wrong.

But the eternal love and connection with a time based balance made me feel neutral or good.

Nothing which could be scientifically proven, but I am not here for that, I guess.

Man this one was good

Could be one of the leading songs of my perfect imperfection.

Dam son.

I got most of them right, so 8 I think. But theoretical I would have gotten all right, if I wouldn’t have been so “I have to solve it this way”. Because I got used to see how others see. And then who knows. I mean the mind is dynamic. So I might actually be very smart should I fully recover from my mental damage.

But man I am broken because I got the ice and water thing wrong because of what I have always heard (and me thinking I can’t be right thought it must be right what they say – anxiety)

Because for me water and ice are the same. So why should water level rise when there is just a change of Form. Like an energy transfer or something. There won’t be more all of a sudden. At least in the given laws of physics (which get taught)

But the I usually think these tests must be flaws because I am very good in them, but I am acting and thinking very stupid most of the time. So maybe they are just for average people to make them feel better.

But then, well, maybe I am simply too smart should I get rid of all the stupid things I got taught or forced to think, say, do.

Because I often get into: “Okay how is this question supposed to be answered according to the other Person?” which takes way too much time and often makes me actually get the answer wrong

For example: when I had my “Bewerbungsgespräch” at the company I later worked for, I did a test. There was one question, something like: “Welchen Befehl kann man für die Eingabeaufforderung eingeben.” but probably other words.

And I was like: “There are so many, what do they mean? So I wrote a sentence telling that, while the answer actually was “cmd”

Lame … I know

And another task was to write down a piece of code. I simply could have copied it and the task would have been done. But I thought, well I can’t do that or this is not how they want it.

Also a question about m, own code. Like: Why are these variable written in upper case? And I was like: I don’t know. Because I really didn’t know why the people who decided about this said it has to be this way. The simple answer was: Because they are constants.

But I of course knew that because I of course wrote the code

Leaving them thinking I must have copied it some where or whatever.

This happens when you wear your masks too tight.


But still, I am not going for intelligence (at least it doesn’t matter that much, I guess), but the freedom of being my true self again

Because it makes no sense to think for others, but as I said, I got somehow forced into doing so

Because I had no real Chance to defend myself or think free. Only in my head of course, but that also broke over time because I hated myself so much that I fooled myself

It is one thing to get beaten up, but mentally abusing your self even, is way more harmful and painful.

If you believe you are crazy, it is hard to change your mind back again. But I think I am getting somewhere

Thanks again for your support. And don’t forget yourself. 🙂

When you did all these things, but in the wrong order.


And #StrangerThings

Me: Strategizing.

Also me: Having no idea what I am doing, but it somehow works.

11/10 for the good brain cells I have and a Boo! to the bad ones. 😀

That mustache though

Again. Did that, but still in the wrong order.


And yeah I guess I can hear up to 19000 Hz

But maybe even more, but I simply can’t “hear” it because the brain turned on security to protect me from getting damage


I mean I checked before, but now again and so it I am pretty sure that I can hear pretty good.

But it depends on the environment and my mood.

Because I can also shut off all sound and hear nothing at times.

Back in secondary school some class mates even asked me how I can write and work with all the noise (when a lot of people where talking) and I don’t know what I answered exactly, but I was like “I simply shut it off”.

Problem with that is, that I then can’t hear until I decide to hear again / get out off my bubble.

Because I would simply deactivate sound processing in the brain.

Or only listen to what I want to listen

This way I also was able to follow different conversations in buses or trains for example, while actually a lot of people were talking altogether.

I focused on the person I wanted to listen to and then I could understand most of what they were saying, depending on the volume and number of other people talking of course.

So again, are we limited to the believes others put into us or am I really a little too smart in a way?

Maybe both again. Who knows.

But according to me my mental health got a lot better in the last months, what doesn’t mean that I am all good (we both know what happened around Easter)

And I mean, if I can have a healthy environment (healthy for me), I would probably be “healed” or just free instantly.

But now I am still struggling with some fears and people.

And because of that, negative thoughts can still harm me from time to time or strange things happening.

Biggest problem with these things is, that according to my believes, these things could actually be important or necessary for something.

But, I know that if it feels wrong or bad, it is wrong. Because I can actually trust my gut feeling. Not meaning that each time when I feel bad, it means that what I am doing is wrong, but that something is wrong.

And that actually was the first thing which lead to writing to you, while I had not much of a clue on what was going on at that time and still not really.

I mean I have a lot of explanations and ideas, but not all are helping.

And so I am happy about every good surprise and positive message (for me positive) I receive and people I meet in a way or hear from.

Because the most important thing still is love and the related “not being alone” part.

Because what is love without someone else? For me love means connection, so being alone is a problem. But it is more about the feeling and not the people around you. We both know that, I suppose.

So if there are enough people you can connect with, you are not alone. And if on the other hand there are many people who can connect with you or relate to your experience etc. you are not alone and there is love.

I lost the love because there wasn’t connection with other people most of the time.

And if there was, than it only was distant (for example Gronkh).

But distant love is not enough. It is better than nothing, but we always need people in reach.

For an introvert it is of course good to have time alone and enough of free space, but everyone needs someone at some point.

Completely being alone all the time (meaning feeling alone), will break you.

Maybe not according to what you seem from the outside, but inside.

And is the problem too big, it bursts open for everyone to see. But then they probably just lock you away or whatever.

But why?

Time is money…

What a shame.

So I don’t know about much about locked clinical institutions, but maybe I should actually look into them.

Because maybe I could bring the help the people need.

Who knows, right?

And looking back on to the history of psychiatric behavior: Autism is treated as an illness, different views are sick, normality is forced. Hm…

Eh yes. Up into the Netflix we go.

But yeah, these intelligence test on YouTube are really shit. XD

I mean they are all like: “This is really tricky” and I am like, but that is obvious.

Also me when stressed: doing it all wrong.

Okay not all, but I mean that when I am stressed I am going for the stupid answer because I am in the “what do they want” pattern again.

Why that actually should never matter, but sadly is wanted in our society.

Because honesty is often not valued or said to be rude or something.

Other thing: They say, if you don’t ask you die stupid.

Me not asking: understands how things work

Find the problem

Oh and I hope you are still breathing and not having a head ache. But if so, just say something, okay?

Also me: continues writing all the time, completely ignoring your feelings… well…

Find the problem.

For a second I thought I had a problem with my eyes in one video about seeing things, but then it just was the screen settings being wrong.


I mean, you probably don’t have a fortune of money, I don’t have a fortune of money (tries to keep things simple for once).

You in some way hate your job or at least it makes you not feel good, I hate jobs in general (not meaning that I hate to work for myself, but for others if it is not what I want).

What is an entrepreneur (is that correct spelling?)? – Someone who doesn’t do what everyone does.

What are entrepreneurs doing? Solving problems, finding problems, creating new things.

What do I want to do? What do you want to do?

What is required to start a business? – Not much, at first.

So no credit, no investors, not much money.

What could be? – Everything (in a way).

What to fear? – Not doing it or holding on to it until it works.

What is holding us back? – The fear.

What am I doing right now? – Doing it anyways

Also me: What am I really doing here? Like, I mean really.

(Edit: No I am actually terrified, but I like the positive thoughts and ideas. Sadly most things are freaking me out)

So yeah, the best thing I could do was to open up to you.

I guess that actually saved my life because I did stay for you in December.

And all while you didn’t do much, according to you. 🙂

But what you have is the power of listening. I usually don’t have that, but forced myself into it.

I mean when interacting with people in person.

But I listen to a lot, watch a lot and also read many things, but not too many books.

So I should say, forced myself to listen to things I didn’t want to listen to.

What I want to listen to: People who seek answers, have interesting ideas, have some new answers.

What I usually had to listen to: People who followed old stories, who were acting traditionally, who were forcing people into thinking some way, who were trapped themselves but thought it was right

Also me: Looking towards the neighbor garden and feeling happy for the neighbor children because they seem happy.

I think the main problem is, that people always think or act in a way towards ME which is a problem.

Thinking I need help (which I needed but in a way different area).

Thinking I might be stupid (sometimes this is right, but usually I was just acting stupid, I guess – while I might actually be stupid in some way)

Thinking they know better (while they were just distracting me or making me stop doing it at all)

And then most of it was based on my own thinking

One main pattern is: Most of the time I showed courage, it was wrong.

On the other side, most of the time I didn’t do what I wanted or thought was right, it would have been right.

Find the problem.

So basically some kind of manipulation, as I stated many times. *in my other posts

But in my case most of it is really from my side.

At least now

One famous quote used in the school: “Students shouldn’t think.”

And then I was like, okay is that literally or just sarcasm or ironic or (me not getting things basically, but then thinking the negative result).

So I thought, well okay so I am not allowed to think.

Also school: You have to be creative.

Me: Not being creative because I got told to not think.

Eh, help.

But yeah, that is pretty weird.

And oh man… I did it again (the 1000 time probably).Not writing in the blog, but in Discord.

Dang it.

And I don’t know how long I can stand all these thoughts. Most of them just scare me, while I know that all I need is love and other people. I am not made to be alone

And I am also much like Elli of The Last of us. At least from what I have seen. I look so calm, nice and well, play around and pretend to be happy and sometimes I was and am, but often it is a mask.

So I also have the fear of being left alone. Maybe not necessarily completely alone, but feeling alone.

I did hide that so well, that I forgot about it myself.

I thought I was strong and don’t get this wrong, I am strong, but now that I started to open up my defenses, I actually feel like Berlin after WWII

All bombed, dead people, suffering, pain, all broken, not the main capital anymore. Split apart into pieces and so on. And then I know it must have been like this since my childhood. I would just want to know that I will reach a united Berlin again and not stay like a deadly battlefield or whatever broken there is

I know what I need, but I fear that I can’t get it or that I will break it. Love.

And don’t get this wrong, I am loved, but I am still alone in a way. And while I thought this is no problem for me, it all was a lie I told myself to protect me. Only that it was meant to destroy me because I knew it would kill me.

Writing to you makes it easier, talking as well. But the main problem can only be solved through real meeting and such things.

We both need our safe space and time, but always alone is also not good.

I can’t know how it is for you, but I sure can’t stay alone for too long. And if it just is that there is someone I like or love in the same house

What is happening… I really don’t know because my thoughts are too much.

So yeah, would you actually want to stay in my house a while? Or maybe somewhere else together with me? Only if you want. But I sure need change because otherwise my thoughts will overtake me again at some point

And I actually don’t know what was worse. Feeling hopeless or knowing that there is actually something to hope for. But I have to stick with the hope because it was what I had as a child and whenever I was around with good and friendly people (good for me).

I fear so many things now… because I was never really able to handle or confront most of my fears, so they were all hiding inside, only to burst out.

The thing was, that most of the time when I tried to confront a fear, it only got worse for me or was wrong in a way.

So I actually could say I have chronic fear, but when I am with people I want to be around with, I don’t fear or at least not that much.

But when I confronted my fear of being alone – in the forest – I thought I was not alone in a good way. There were animals, trees and fresh air. But even that scares me again, now with these strange incidences.

If I would not be alone with it, I maybe could handle it.

But my mother also needs help.

She helps me where she can now and I try to help her a little.

But it feels like two almost empty batteries which try to give each other energy.


I think I should post this one in the blog.

I just don’t know.

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