Lines, words, letters. [13]

Nothing meaningful, unless for you it is.


Anthony: „Eh, okay, if you insist. Thanks, but please, we are in this together. I mean you are the one who almost got killed. What was this whole „getting killed with a monster knife for some money“ thing anyway? How did you get in such a situation, I need to know. Maybe I can help you somehow.“

Paul: „Well, long story short, I was angry one day because I had just lost another book contract opportunity because I just waited too long and didn‘t write much. Then I just was in such a rage, that I must have gone insane. There was this old Chrysler Royal, like in the movies, and I just hit it with my fists and feet a couple of times. And then there obviously was some visible damage, as the car owner came by, with his two ‚bodyguards‘, more like guerillas, if you ask me. They beat me up and then they told me, that I have to pay the price, one way or another in a week. They want $10,000 and well, I only have around $3000 from my savings left. But this book contract could get me $8000 on hand, if I would agree with only getting 1% per sold copy. Normally I wouldn‘t agree such a deal, but I really need this money now, so there I am…“

Anthony: „Wow, that is a story on its on. But are you sure about the book part? I mean, how do you know, they don‘t let you down?“

Paul: „I have a contract with them, I paid a $100 fee, so they would give me the contract, if I show up tomorrow. Otherwise they would of course give it to someone else.“

Anthony: „This is something I can work with, but it is pretty tough though. Maybe you should actually use something from your own life, something which isn‘t just made up, what do you think? You already called me hero, although I don‘t like to get called like this. Makes me feel bad, when I am not acting like a ‘hero‘… Anyways, Alair-Alyda. We could even make a catchy name out of it, like Ally.“

Paul: „But don‘t you think, people would think it means Allison or something?“

Anthony: „Maybe, but we could also call her Al, but it would just be strange, right? Now, let‘s focus on the story. Otherwise we will be talking about names the whole afternoon up until tomorrow morning. By the way, when is the deadline, which time?“

Paul: „Tomorrow morning, 10 o‘clock. Oh god… this is impossible.“

Anthony: „Don‘t you worry, I have a great plot in mind and together we can do this.“

Paul: „Alright, fine. Antony, you are my man. How could I be so ignorant, so selfish. Now, I would suggest, that we could either take a visitor, like an inspector, who actually just wants to check the conditions in the clinic or maybe a new worker?“

Anthony: „Hmm, yeah, could work. Maybe even a visitor for one of the patients. They get visitors sometimes, or am I wrong?“

Paul: „I don‘t know, I luckily never was in a clinic like this, only in hospital, after I had a car accident some years ago. So, well I just assume they don‘t get visitors this often. I mean, it is a locked clinic after all, right? And people usually put people in there if they can‘t handle them anymore and no one has the time to spend it with a crazy person. At least this is what I thought of, when I wanted to finish the book like this.“

Anthony: „This is difficult to work with, hmm. But let‘s just try …“

We talked a while longer and decided to let her escape the clinic like in a prison break story. But you will soon find out. After some cups of Asian harmony tea, we started to write. First each of us wrote some notes, without knowing what the other one would write and then we shared our notes. Because talking didn‘t really work. And with some more papers and tea, we managed to write a better ending, not a happy ending maybe, but also not as worse as it started at first.

I really didn‘t know where I got myself into, when I wanted to work for Paul Brickstone.

Pages 36 – 38 of Lines, words, letters.


From what I am writing sometimes in my comments or in my posts before the book, you could think I am crazy, that I am ignorant, delusional or just totally broken, a liar, maybe sociopath, one to bring up a revolution, a demon, an angel, an idiot, a genius. Who knows… maybe all or none of them.

What I know is – from what I know, I am human. I love others, I start to love myself, I hate some behavior, I am surprised about others who think like me, but more importantly feel like me.

One cell in gods mind. One cell in our shared mind. One cell in the sea of stars. One soul. A little piece in a puzzle through time and worlds.

If we pieces don’t care for each other, we might die, to be forgotten. Many things are possible and God saved me from my own mind because while I tried to see all possibilities, I just saw a fraction, but started to believe it was all. I did what I never wanted, I just listened to others, while I actually should have listened to myself. I thought it was me, but it was them.

I now know why I can’t agree with all points Alan Watts was talking about. And it is good this way because he was a great man, had great ideas, but he knew that he didn’t knew everything. And I made the mistake to fall into a trap created my the fear and pain which is still a part of me, to believe each word without following my own believes. There are many similarities, but there are differences and some things were meant in a good way by Alan, but I thought them through to be horrible for me.

Now I got again to the point in which I can believe myself again. Not meaning in a religious way or something. I simply know again, that I for sure will never know everything. And this actually was solid, when I was a kid. I simply knew I would never run out of new things and surprises.

My broken mind almost took it from me, but I learned my lesson, like the mathematician who at one point believed that love was the result of a market, one needs something and so they give to get. And that everything is just a mathematical concept. In some way he probably was right, but now I know that it would only work in a constant world, in which everything more or less stays the same. But the world is not a static concept, some people just want it to be this way. We humans are more than machines and true love has nothing to do with a market or a mathematical thing. You can (if even) maybe create some kind of mathematical concept for some situations or one in particular, but true love and nature are developing and changing over time, so you never can really say that you can say how it works. One day we will know more, for sure, but we should never forget, that what we know now, is just a fraction. Or can you build planets? I sure can’t do that yet, therefor I can’t know everything.

I sure have way more possibilities and ideas than most people, but many are also very negative and depressing. I am happy for the good ones and the best is, that you have to be thankful for the things you don’t understand yet. If you stop there, it would be wrong because you actually can never reach a point where you understand everything as a whole. Not with this human body, not even after death, should you be going up into the heavens, or whatever awaits us on the good side of life and death.

When I just some years old I just felt what was good and right for me: Knowledge, music, speaking, understanding others and later writing and reading, listening.

Feeling was natural, but I lost it and most of the other things because I thought there was no chance for me to actually live my life the way I want it. Now I can see it again. If I would say “I don’t know why I was so stupid”, I would lie, because I know why. I wasn’t stupid, I was too smart in a way, a scary way, but luckily I could escape my own blockade, through Gods help.

I made myself stupid to not get insane, to not think too much about my situation because I knew that I wouldn’t survive and couldn’t live in the world as it was and sadly still is in some ways. But I survived because I made myself stupid. I almost died even with all of this, but I survived because I was meant to survive. Most of my life I thought I was stupid, or just strange. I sometimes thought, maybe I am smart, sometimes knew I must be smart, but then I felt stupid again. I think, in a way it might be always wrong to say what you think because there will always be people who think it is wrong. So when you speak up as a woman, that you got hit by your man, people think it can’t be that bad if you can speak about it. If you don’t say anything, they maybe say, “Why didn’t you tell us?”.

Actually in a way what happened to my mother. You come to the believe that it is wanted to be this way and it feels like this, seems like this. But why? Because of strange concepts in our minds we either want to believe or stick to believe in. Like the thing with “smart people think they are stupid and others think they are smart”. Why? I mean, that is bullshit. It might often be this way, but not because it is right. Like in my life, I started to believe it because others didn’t understand me and I acted weird (to fit in), so they thought I must be an idiot or something. Then I believed it myself and it goes on.

Without the words of others, I would have never written a single word. Without the words of others, I would have never said a word.

Why should I? In my mind weren’t words before.

Still I knew their meaning to a point where feeling represents more than a thousand words can tell.

Well, I really write longer and off topic comments than the actual book. But hey, it is all about the love, the understanding and coming together, so why should it be a problem. Right? 🙂

Now to the actual comment. 😀

So Paul and Anthony are working together on the book, the book with the woman called Alair-Alyda or Ally, as they named her. So far we have two layers, obviously, but there are actually more layers hidden. Also, when Paul (the narrator at the moment) tells, that they want to make it like a prison break, he might not meant it literally. But yeah, soon you will see. I mean, I could just get you into overthinking. And don’t forget, that I just wrote it, I didn’t have a plan, had no real idea and it just came out. I thought about a story while I was writing. So this is why it could seem very strange and confusing. Because yeah, there was not much planning. It just happened in a way.

Today I have seen a video of a man who while in court hugged the woman who killed his brother and forgave her. I cried when I watched it the first time, I cried when I watched it with my mom, I cry about it when I think about it. And “Home is with me” also made me cry now. But these all were tears of love, pain and joy combined. Peace and sorrow. United to build understanding. To feel everyone and everything. I need these tears, because then I know that it is me and not a facade or just another mask, I forgot to put down.

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