Lines, words, letters. [8]

Nothing meaningful, unless for you it is.

(Audio book version)

New hope, new possibilities and everything is just right, when the positive energy flew through her mind, her body as a whole, she knew it was the right thing, but she wasn‘t in the real world, was she? Not helping her mother with the laundry, cleaning, food. With nothing actually. This isn‘t right, of course it isn‘t, but she simply couldn‘t think of it in a positive way. Some weeks before she just went through all the rooms and cleaned the floor, was happy and it was easy. She knows it is easy to make all these things. But she just didn‘t do them. Why? There is no excuse for it, so she thought, that it might be all wrong what positive she thought of, if she couldn‘t even help her own mom for good. Do simple things, do what was necessary, normal. Probably she didn‘t deserve the positivity, she should burn in hell, if this place should really exist, or just stop existing.

Heaven wasn‘t an option, when she was down, why should it be, when she was a monster, only hell for those who do the bad, right? And then, who was Jesus? He was giving her hope from time to time, he was different, but no… it is all just wrong with her. Maybe even Jesus wouldn‘t forgive her and then, who would get forgiveness? All the answers were inside of her, but she couldn‘t trust them, she was always wrong, always a problem. People didn‘t always tell her, maybe even said the opposite or just didn‘t say anything at all, like a ghost. Maybe she just couldn‘t recognize these things anymore.

Do you want something to eat?“, her mother asked.

„No. I get some when I want, I tell you all the time.“

I thought, we could eat together. You are just in your room all the time.“


Well, one day I am dead. Then you can see what you had.“

Oh how she hated these „conversations“. She knew her own reactions were wrong, but she also got hurt by these sentences she heard so often. Her mother was hurt as well, had a life in misery, pain and work she didn‘t like. She knew and now she wasn‘t the girl her mother would have wanted her to be. Her mother wanted her to get a save life, a good life, not like hers, but the mothers thoughts weren‘t the ones our character had. Dreams… made impossible, by a system, by people who were forced to believe in it, who want to believe in it, a system created by man, by people who don‘t know what they are doing or know exactly, but profit from it. Either way, a system meant to fail, but it is still running, like those old computers until one day, a virus kills them and all data is lost, it maybe even burns. No one thinks about these things, no one who thinks about it, no one who is in charge. Those in charge are those who think everything is working, or they just pretend.

So she didn‘t want to be in charge, because she feared to become one of them or to simply fail her task. She didn‘t want to have responsibility in a job because she feared to make a wrong decision and she also hated jobs in general, so no love on this side. While she had her dream job you could say, well not exactly her dream job, but something like it, she couldn‘t love it because she hated jobs in general. Maybe it was this believe, that it can‘t be, but no she just couldn‘t do it. The pressure, the need for progress and the time, just so fast, not the music she wanted to hear most of the time, not the topics she wanted to talk about. No, it wasn‘t her dream, it just was the best she could get, but not for her.

Well, now we probably have to give our character some more hope, shall we? I mean, she still has no name, at least not from our perspective, or did you read a name?

And also her current situation in the clinic, isn‘t the best outcome, don‘t you think?

So, let‘s see… We have a career as an artist, we have writer, we have teacher even, well maybe not in a school, but there is always a way, right? Now, what should we add to her story?

Pages 21 – 24 of Lines, words, letters.


Yesterday evening I got away from a very lost and hopeless thought pattern because I got a little of my logic repaired. At least it feels like this in a way.

Now I am thinking a bit more positive again. And looking on what I wrote two months ago is very interesting because so much has changed in my mind in the past months, before and after I wrote it. So it is interesting how my thinking in some way changed, while some things stayed the same. But now I might get to change them as well. Well not all things, not the things which were good in the first place, but more like finally giving them room in a good way.

What really is intelligence? For me it is just a way of telling how much people think about things and maybe how they react to things. But intelligence as a value, like IQ, is more a burden than an actual help. For some it might be helpful to understand themselves, then it is good, but for me it wouldn’t change any for the better. Should I actually get a correct IQ, I would probably freak out no matter what the result would be. So some things should just stay a secret, for good.

I still would want to know whether I am actually smart or just thinking I can be smart, while I am just stupid as shit, just thinking to much without value. But then compared to others… well, yes is it stupid to take action, is it smart to not take action, is the opposite the case? It is not really possible to tell. It depends on the individual and situation. For some it might be clear and logical to act and do something, for others it might be the exact opposite because of what they have seen and learned. Both in the same situation would often decide against the others opinion and decisions.

What in the end is right or wrong can only tell the heart or the facts, only you can tell what is right or wrong, but by how it feels. And if you don’t feel anything, maybe that is the problem. But not that you are a problem, but that you have a bigger problem holding you down, so that you can’t feel and therefor see what is right or wrong in a good way, just in a depressive or negative way. Sometimes feelings aren’t too good, but then why? Only because the past and the situation tells us, it is good to not feel. Maybe that is the problem. Problems man… so many problems. But actually we have way too many solutions as well. Some clearance could be good. For me it is love. 🙂 True love! 💜

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