Nothing meaningful, unless for you it is.
Chapter 3 – New possibilities and thoughts
Three weeks before the clinic incidence…
‘Why am I writing?‘, she asked herself.
She was confused about her own writings, about what she really seemed to be.
‘I have my answers, but I am not able to do what is asked from me, what I want myself to do. I can‘t trust in what I want to do, even thought I now know it is the right thing.‘
Her mind went crazy and she just wrote positive things, wrote negative things, she couldn‘t really tell what it was. Many things were happening inside and outside of her own world.
While she was finding her path, finally trying to accept it, from the outside she was just doing nothing, nothing good it seemed. Broke up all connections to people and groups, quit her job. But not why you might think she did, no she didn‘t want to kill herself, she wanted to live for the first time. Actually the second time, but her childhood, wasn‘t too long and too bright, at least not for her, not inside.
So now she wrote her own story, at least she tried to. She already started to write some months ago and then after some more months she started to make music, then she even uploaded them to the internet. Things she already tried, but not really, some years ago. But now she was serious about it because she knew, it was the only way to get free, to do what she feared to do.
And some things she feared, weren‘t that easy. And except for people on the internet and her only real friend, she still had, no one seemed to understand. Not her mother and especially not other people around her. They may thought they knew what was going on, but they had no idea, how should they, they all didn‘t go through, what she went through. At least, from their way of talking and acting, it didn‘t seemed this way.
While her life was getting nearer, she actually already felt it for some weeks, lost it a couple of times, but still it is there, the pressure from the world around her got bigger and bigger.
Why couldn‘t they just let her alone, just let her be? They thought they do, but they didn‘t know what they were telling her through their reactions, through their words. Sentences which aren‘t evil or mean, actually positive sentences, but in the wrong direction, caused more pain, than a straight no. Because a straight no, would be easy to accept for her. She then would know, that they wouldn‘t really want to understand or support her. But instead she got these weird „do you need help?“ sentences and „this can‘t go on like this“ or even „this makes me sad“.
Of course, of course and the worst was her mother because her mother really has a good heart, she really wants to help and tried to understand, but she simply can‘t at least not yet. And so she still sticks to her old stories, her old views of the world, while she of course got more open to the things her daughter told her. But there is just this point, when they just start to hurt each other because the mother wants to help, but she simply can‘t.
And the mother is doing so much for her daughter, that it is understandable, that it is too much for the mother. Our main character knows, that it is too much for her mother, but inside of her own, it is also too much. She wants to live, finally, or go finally. Nothing in between anymore, no waiting for a brighter future which will never come, no hurting stomachs anymore, no suicide attempts, no self doubt. But her biggest fear – to be wrong – is growing each day, even when she knew that something was right. Maybe she just thought it meant that she was right, maybe she just thought it was the way she had seen it, but in the end she is just a fool, a crazy one. It really broke her over and over again.
Each time she got broke again, which happened almost each day at some point, just does turn everything into the opposite again. She couldn‘t hear any positive phrases, words anymore. She simply hated it and hated herself again. But why? She had found the real purpose of life, she found love, hope, she found out about her past and future. Each time she fell down again, the fear grew even stronger because she thought, well it ain‘t for her, she was meant to fail. Even failing seemed to be wrong, so either way, she would do wrong, she thought. Then when she had some peace in sleep and with some calming music, or music which just matched her feelings, she could think positive again. Started to write again, sometimes even move forward with her other plans and ideas.
Pages 19 – 21 of Lines, words, letters.
What a ride and I guess it actually is more true than I intended it to be. Man what a ride. Still there is way more, it is still just the beginning, while we are already right in the middle of it. I in my therapy, the book, the music, the world. Things are changing, let’s pray for a better future. May the good finally outweigh the evil.