Lines, words, letters. [4]

Nothing meaningful, unless for you it is.

(Audio book version)

Chapter 2 – Just some traumatic events

Some of the best things grow through pain and misery, problems which make us do things, we didn‘t know we could do. And then we can help others, who struggle with it as well, after we went through it ourselves.

Our main characters family is not a special family, nor a very awful one. This isn‘t good either, but we also don‘t have a total disaster already programmed into her, right? As if this would make any difference to someone‘s future, but for now we will let her believe, that her family wasn‘t the problem. And before you should ask „What is her name?“, she has no name, at least not yet.

„But everyone has a name!“ – Yes, sure, she had a name, but for her a name meant something different, so she had no name, while she of course got called by one.

One sunny day, she was running around at her grandparents house.

She and her mother had moved out because, well her father wasn‘t the greatest.

While she just wanted to have a good time, she was running inside the house and made some noise and maybe talked or just made loud sounds. She ran around while her mother and her mothers father were trying to talk. At one point her grandfather hit her on the head, then she cried. Sure she was annoying, she knows why she got the hit, but not at the time when she just wanted to be happy, not thinking about something bad to come.

People often say, children won‘t remember anyways and such things, but well she knows better. While many children may not remember much when they get older, she still remembers a lot from her early years, especially bad things and really good things.

One day she can‘t really explain to this day, but now understands a bit more why she did it, is the boat incident. She and her other grandfather, who in her eyes never sad something bad about her or did any harm to her, wanted to take her to play with a little remote motor boat. She did turn on the transmitter, but didn‘t tell her grandfather and he of course turned the switch again, thinking it was still off. She didn‘t say anything and while the boat was in the water, floating away, her grandfather tried to move it, but of course it didn‘t work. Then he ran towards the small man-made waterfall, he tried to catch the boat, but it was already too late and he almost fell down. Between the water masses he could just hold his head up, while he had his both hands around some stones. Somehow he got out and nothing bad happened, the boat was gone and her grandfather could have died because of her. What was she thinking, she can‘t remember herself. But she sure didn‘t want it to end like this.

Children can do horrible things. Is it because they learn from the adults, is it natural?

I think it is both a little, but there are humans who aren‘t just evil or selfish. Many people just want to live their life or be save in some way. Children can do great things and explain the world how it really is because they know better than the adults, not all children, but some for sure. She was one of them, she was beautiful, happy, a little bit too naive and had a never ending need for knowledge.

She just wanted to understand everything and do things.

When she wanted to do sports in the kitchen, between table and kitchen plate, her father didn‘t allow her. It wasn‘t that dangerous, the table was made out of massive wood and the kitchen plate as well or at least also static. It was like doing sports between bars for her and she probably didn‘t even had to do this in school before, she just wanted to do it. But her father didn‘t allow her, could be dangerous he said.

She often walked through the nearby forest, it made her feel safe, from all this nonsense, this pain.

Of course she wasn‘t allowed to go far away from home, she still was in elementary school and her friends were only allowed to go to the main road, but not farther. It didn‘t stop her, she knew it was good for her and despite some animals which would hide anyways, there was nothing to fear.

So she played in the woods some times, with her imagination. Adventures, wars, exploring, talking, a whole world of exiting things. And no, she wasn‘t just doing that, she also played with her real friends in the village.

With her best friend even in her imaginary world, they both just had a deep connection and could spend many hours together.

Despite her slowly getting strange because of how the world seemed to work, she could become friends with almost anyone around her. She was so naive and good-hearted.

Pages 11 – 13 of Lines, words, letters.


The thing is, that while this book actually was intended to be a fictional book and it still is, it has some very deep thoughts included and also parts of my actual life. And well, I am a man, but what does that mean in the end, right? For myself I am everything in some way. But I just want to be stable, want to be around with people who are either somewhat like me or just who are good for me (so that I feel safe). So yeah, I don’t know. I mean I kinda wish I could stop thinking, at least the things which scare me and I don’t want to be alone. But also not just around people, I don’t want to be around with. Kinda everything feels like a dream, like a mess, like chaos, like heaven and hell. It is horrible and beautiful, but I just want these strange thoughts to go away, I want that there will be a time with endless love and good things. Without all this pain and suffering. But then I think that it might be a never ending cycle, so even if there once will be heaven and a peaceful time for real, it would at one point start everything again. If you know what I mean. And that scares me because I don’t want that it actually is this way. That there will always be pain at some point, always will be this cycle. Changing, not always the same, but still in some way similar. I don’t want that, but I also see the beauty in it, in some way. I just fear that in the end, the beginning of the new world, is somewhat the beginning of our world. Do you know what I mean? Do you understand? I hope so, but not in a bad way, like I do. …. man that got way to depressing again. Sorry. Why did I get forced into thinking about all kinds of bad things, while I never wanted that? – Life hm….

And well, I had some tear drops or at least water in the eyes today, but in a good way. Also while listening to “Amazing Grace” for example.

All these beautiful people and music coming together, the good memories and the good present moment right now. 🙂

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