I decided this week to stop with the Almanac, at least when it comes to me writing about my thoughts in a direct way.
And may I should take back the statement that I should call myself a christian. I knew why I said that I am not and I came to the conclusion that it might be better for me when it stays like this.
I came across some very nice people during the past three months. Many believe in God as well and some have other things in common or at least similar things. But I also got into some people who were talking about that they came across people who are teaching wrong Christianity or other things and that they were against it. I sure can understand this, but for me this was immediately feeling like fingers pointing towards me, while I actually never intended to teach new believes or something. I just needed to clear my mind, sort my thoughts and maybe discover some hidden boxes from the past. After all it was some kind of recovery attempt.
But luckily I came across all these other lovely people as well, who write about their experiences with God and their pasts and struggles. I don’t have something against them, I love these people. But for me it is hard to love those who are fanatic or too religious to accept other people or believes and ideas. I know that not everyone who says such things has too be that fanatic inside, but for me it is just too hard to get in touch with such people because of all the pain it caused in my life and still does.
So to all my readers: I love you, I respect your believes, but please respect others as well, if you not already do so. If they should be wrong, well okay then, but how should you know, right? For me many things are possible, but I still believe in God and Jesus. Maybe not in the same way as you, but I do. And for me this is actually a very great thing, that after all I can still believe in this. Sure in a different way, but I just believe in it the way I felt it as a kid. Natural, full of love and strength. But in my environment it was all about how people look, wear clothes, act and talk and so on. While in my eyes they forgot about the core values of their own believe or should I say religion? Because believe should be alive, but religion is dead for me. And so while Jesus was spreading love, he also said things to the pharisees and others who were selling things and such in the temple. He could get loud. But in general Jesus was calm and was there for those everyone seemed to hate or forget. He even said something about that they need him more because they need help. But please read that in the bible for yourself, if you are into reading. I also read the bible. Not all of it, but many things. Even those name registers which were very long and boring, but hey I even found interesting things in there, like the years they lived. They lived longer than everyone these days, at least some of them lived several hundred years. And guess what, I believe that because the environment back then must have been much better.
I was never attempting to get someone into my believes. I was never here to say someone what they should do. I might have acted this way or seemed this way sometimes, I know, but this is not why I was writing here. I simply wanted to support myself for once and others and I will continue doing that. But maybe writing in this way is not good for me at the moment.
So I will start to post the book I started in February. It isn’t good and isn’t finished. Maybe you like it anyways, maybe not. I don’t know. But I thought, before I come to delete it, I will just put it out here and see how it goes.
Last Saturday through one short moment, when someone was on the door who I thought to never see again, my backdoor to all what was still not processed and healed got open. I even noticed that something was really off, when I wrote about it on Day 79 I think. But just one to two days later I went from feeling pretty good, confident and sure about myself and such – to feel dead again, to get fear about everything again, to fall into some paranoid state and I felt like getting into schizophrenia or something. And this is not me joking about this topic, I know it isn’t funny and what I experienced on Monday and Tuesday this week felt like hell. Because for me hell isn’t necessarily a place with fire and demons, but a place where you have the most fear and pain. And it felt like this. I was thinking all kinds of things and wouldn’t be surprised to see aliens or monsters. I luckily didn’t see anything like that because I think I never had such hallucinations, but I guess would I have gotten some these days, you found probably find me in a locked cell in some mental health clinic or something. I was far from good and evil, I was crazy and felt insane. Just because of this one person coming back into my life and that I was forced to talk to him and even got talked into helping him again, while I never wanted that. All what I achieved the last months was gone, it felt far away, as if it all was a dream, a lie. But it wasn’t. And now after talking two times to my best friend and getting out there again through music and some YouTube videos and prayer I know that I am actually that weak as I wrote. But when I wrote it a week ago, I didn’t really realize that, I guess. I am dead without God and then people want to tell me that I should believe in God this way or that way. God sees the heart, isn’t that what is in the bible?
1 Samual 16:7 ESV
“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”
And this is how I saw people, I did see what was inside them and not just their appearance, but I also had problems with the appearance sometimes. Still I was naturally looking beneath, while I learned to not look beneath through comments from other people, through actions against others and myself. So I rejected myself and started to reject others as well. Because I got taught by humans how to do so.
I am not an angel, not something like Jesus was. Still I wasn’t like all the other kids. And this is what almost killed me for real and also locked away my soul for most of my life. As if I had no right to life, to exist.
And then people were telling me how to believe in God, how to act in God’s way and such things. They probably should have looked into their bibles more often or at least read the things about Jesus. And this is important for everyone, not necessarily looking into the bible as a whole. Because it is hard to read it in a positive way when you are depressed or got tortured with the same book. But the stories about Jesus are important for everyone. Alan Watts was even talking about it, what surprised me when I first heard him talking about “Jesus was ahead of us” or something like that and that for him Jesus was important as well. He might not have believe everything, but for this was more than I expected.
So for everyone, no matter what you believe in, be it nothing, be it something, someone or many things – Jesus story (whether you believe it is true or not), is a story you should know about. It isn’t about how holy he was or how great the things he did. No, it is about how he got treated, while helping, how he did help anyways and how at least in the christian believe he died for all of our sins. And I also believe in that. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to or can’t. It is more about, that Jesus was the most powerful because he did what he did through love and a pure heart.
So if you feel like helping others, it might be hard. But you also have to love yourself because I can’t remember Jesus saying: “I hate myself.” I am just saying. And it isn’t about gender because for me Jesus also could have been a woman, but back in the days, a woman would have never been able to do what he did because I guess almost no one would have listened or let her do what he did. In some areas woman had more rights I suppose, but not in Jesus area and time. At least not from what I know. Even Jesus closest followers were not believing the women who had seen him on Easter, after he was dead before. So it is clear, that a woman would have had no chance, I suppose.
But now we live in different times, still the world works the same way more or less (in the back of the heads and in average). So for me the only difference between man and woman (when it comes to biology), is that they have different hormones and therefor some different body parts. But for me a man can feel like a woman and a woman like a man and what else is possible. Because if it really all is because of hormones, one can have more hormones of the other kind or maybe both. And then calling them a failure, calling them names or forcing them into doing or being something else is just wrong. They are how they are and how God made them be.
You can burn me for that, I guess some people want to right now. (If we would be in the “good old” middle ages.)
So if God sees the heart, how are you (if you should be one of those who would want to burn me or something like that) able to know what God sees? How am I able to? Well, I am not really able to see all of it. I am a human after all. But through my close love and connection to what I call God and learned is God and through what I learned about Jesus, I just knew what was important. I still did wrong things and do to this day because of what people told me and how I got treated. But I never let go of these things.
Who am I to judge about anyone? Who are you? When it comes to crimes it is another story, but there you should also see the heart. This is why our laws and judgement systems are often doing wrong on people. Sometimes one gets into jail for stealing food because they had no money and were hungry. And then a mass murderer gets free because he had enough laws on his position and people helping him. Is this justice? Nope. Is this human? Sadly, yes. Is this how it should be? Nope.
So, what would Jesus do? A question I sometimes heard. I couldn’t answer it always for myself, but I guess deep down I always knew somehow. Not in a clear way or thought, but just in a feeling: Through love.
This is after all, just what I think, feel and experienced. Your opinion is your opinion. And if you should be happy with your believes, I am not here to tell you otherwise. I am also not here to tell you great stories so you start believing what I believe. I don’t even want that because you will never know or experience things the same way, so it would just be a strange thing. You have to find it for yourself. But if I can hint into one direction: Start investigating the Jesus in the bible. Especially if you hate religion, if you hate religious things and all these strange things. Because if you find that Jesus was none like that, you know more than so many people on this planet, while they all have their things to follow and believe. It is just a shame how so many people are not believing or really investigating what they do. Not everyone has to do that, but the people who know something is off, they should at least stick together and not do what everyone does. Fighting the world in an endless game, a lost battle. Even if you win, you usually just win because you did what others did. Jesus didn’t win through fighting the world, he could have, but through showing his true power: Not using his power.
A revolution will only change the view, the surface, but it will never really change what is inside, what people do in general. Violence, will cause more violence. This is not about giving up, you can defend yourself. But there is no glory on attacking others. If you do so and feel bad about it, it is okay. We all do things wrong sometimes. What matters is, that you know it was wrong. What matters is, that you are able to feel love, love others and yourself. And if you can’t start with yourself. I sure love you and God does, whether you think you know what or who God is or exists or not. Jesus would hug you close and tell you something nice. This is what I believe, be it a story or not, for me it isn’t, but many it seems this way, I guess.
I hope that I made some things clear. If not, here is my apology, I am not perfect. I hope I could inspire some people with love. 🙂
And don’t give up folks. The world is a cruel place to be, but we don’t have to make it even worse.
Like one of the people I care about the most ends the posts:
Don’t forget to pray for one another.
(And I am just adding: Prayer can be love you send towards others. 🙂 )
J.SYS signing off – till next time.
(I hope my book / story I wrote is somehow interesting and not too boring. I will post the first pages soon. Bye :D)