I think that this writing thing was one of the best decisions in life I ever made. The next one is finally making music no matter what others think or say and especially no matter what I think.
But I think I went to far with the thinking again. The writing was all good, the music was all good. Some of the things I wrote are pretty strange I suppose and I mean my thoughts now are just horrible. But I am trying to push through, trying to fighting it with all the weapons I made myself.
The forest, my safe space, is not an option anymore, at least not for now. But I made myself great music. I made myself write, almost endlessly. I should never stop writing, never stop making music and if it is just for myself.
This week broke me down again, I lost all my strength, all what I achieved, it seems. I actually fear the dark now again. I couldn’t even walk to the forest because of it. People took the peace out of it and now I can’t reach it anymore, even if I wanted. The fear is so immense and intense again.
I think I will just publish the book I was writing (and didn’t finish yet) now. This way I might fix some grammar errors etc. and also have a look at it because so far I just wrote it and didn’t really check for anything. And because I think selling it, wouldn’t be a good idea, I might just post some pages each day and see how it goes.
And because the book actually is related to this (you will notice it, when you have read some pages), it is actually a good addition. It all is related anyways.
But for now, I think it is a good bye and hopefully until next time, when I will write some better things again. When I feel better again. I went too far or I don’t know what exactly happened. But I simply feel beneath rock bottom this week. I thought this is impossible because rock bottom is like suicide attempt for me, but I actually went below it and found myself in my own hell, as if I were already dead and guilty of not taking my chances and when I took them, I didn’t appreciate the offer. As if I deserve this misery and I might already be dead or trapped in some kind of virtual prison of the future for whatever reason. My thoughts are actually way more complex and scary. So it is no wonder that I fear the dark again. Before I was able to switch off the thoughts, so that mainly positive feelings and thoughts had space to grow. Now something did explode, my whole past came out chasing me and I simply lost it, I couldn’t fight it, just see it all burn down again.
The optimist in me says: “This was necessary to get stronger.”
The pessimist in me says: “This was necessary, you have to realize that this is it. You are almost where you wanted to be. In a locked mental health clinic. So that you can’t harm anyone and you can waste until you die in the end.”
The rational thinker says: “You achieved so much. You are tested now to use all what you learned. This is like an exam. You have to fight the next boss. There will be more. But you have to fight this one first and you are actually a free man. You are just again facing your fears and traumas. You are just at the next stage. Don’t give up now.”
And the dreamer says: “You are dreaming and all you got is a big nightmare because you love pain, so you made yourself the worst nightmare you could imagine and disguised it as a life which will give you opportunities to be happy, but no matter what you do, you will never be really there. Only for some moments. Because this is what you wanted. You wanted to be crazy. And you did a very good job. Or was it someone else? Maybe…” *stops thinking process*
Conclusion: I am having a real bad time because I started to work on my traumatic events and tried to heal while still being in a toxic environment. So I am trying to breath fresh air in a place where you can just breath gas most of the time. And I need a lot of fresh air to process my traumatic life. I guess that now almost all my safe spaces (forest, room, mind, computer, internet, …) are invaded or not working. So I can only use my music and some music from other people. I prepared for this, God prepared me for this. But I didn’t see it. So now that I see it again, I have to take my weapons (music) and fight back again.
Thank you for your prayers, for your hope and time.
I love you, I don’t really know you or maybe don’t know you at all. But still. Love is better than fear or hate.
Thank you God for showing me where I stand, thank you to myself, for writing today. But still, I guess have to stop for now.
Maybe actually publish my book (some pages each day) as I wrote and then see how it goes with my mental health.
In the mean time I am rendering and uploading my latest tracks, so they are out on YouTube this evening or tomorrow.
Music never betrayed me so far. I hope I won’t hurt myself with it.
May the music be strong with you and the days bright, till the day it is actually bright again.